"The Pilot Fish to My Thresher Shark" -- David & Matthew (2010)

[David sees Matthew for the first time since Matthew’s recovery]
David: Bro! Look at you! You're all -- vertical!


[David learns that Matthew and Destiny broke up]
David: What are you talking about? What happened? She was crazy about you.
[Matthew stays silent]
David: Oh, fine. Don't tell me, your big brother, who paid your legal fees so you could sue for the right to walk again.


David: (to Bo) Poor Matthew, huh? He gets his legs back just in time to have his heart stomped. I guess he's got to be pretty happy that he can pee standing up again.


David: Hey, little bro. In the immortal words of Roxanne Balsom, "You gotta get back on the hearse." She meant "horse."


Matthew: Hey, big brother, how'd you get in here?
David: Hey, little brother. (to Bo) We call each other big brother and little brother. Isn't that cool? (to Matthew) What do you mean, how did I get in here? I got my ways.
Bo: Yeah, well, whatever you do, don't teach any of them to him.


[David tries to pour Matthew some wine]
Bo: Don't even think about it.
David: I tried, little bro.


[Matthew has the rings for Bo and Nora’s wedding]
David: Yo, little bro. Bring the bling.


David: Well, apparently Matthew has snuck off for a little sumpin' sumpin' with Viki's niece.
Viki: Why don't we just wait for a few minutes? Okay?
David: I don't know. Buchanan men are known for their stamina. This could take a while.


David: Hey, did something happen last night at the wedding? My memory's a little hazy.
Matthew: Maybe it's because you were dancing on the tables all night.
David: Oh, yeah? People love it when I do that.


Matthew: I knew it was a mistake to get out of bed today.
David: Absolutely not. You listen to me. We do not take to our slumber boxes when something goes wrong. We are Buchanans! So when life hands us lemons, we make lemon drop martinis. Now, you listen up. We have the same genes, you and I. And I've been known to slob around when I've had a bad haircut, I've lost a part to a lesser actor, or a woman to a lesser lover. And I'll tell you something, your hair looks fantastic. I know you didn't lose a role, so is it Dani?


David: What the hell happened?
Matthew: Take a wild guess.
David: Oh, no. That's not a good idea. That usually gets me in a lot of trouble.


Matthew: It's because I'm the biggest jerk on the planet.
David: That is impossible. I know much bigger jerks in Llanview alone.


[Matthew explains why he turned down sleeping with Dani]
Matthew: It was just about her being messed up about her dad. So I told her we shouldn't do it.
David: That's so...noble.


David: Matty, listen to me. You are a prize, my boy. Any girl from Taylor Swift to...anyone else named Taylor would be lucky to have you.


Matthew: Nate is all brooding. The guy quotes movies. He thinks he's Johnny Depp or something.
David: Is he really like Johnny Depp? You may be in trouble. That guy is really cool. (correcting himself) I mean, Dani is a shallow, no-good, fickle girl with no soul.


David: (to Matthew) WWPD? What would Pa do?


David: (about Bo) He would take you to Llantano River with a can of worms and a tackle hook.
Matthew: Fishing tackle.
David: No, buddy, I'm pretty sure it's called a tackle hook. The point is, he would tell you all about the other fish in the sea.
Matthew: More like the ones that got away.
David: Both are good lessons, but that's not gonna happen, either. I left my wading pants in London.


David: (to Matthew) A change is a-coming. So you go take that shower and then pick out your studliest threads. Actually, let me pick them out for you.


David: Matthew, you go ahead and use my Feral Pheromone shower gel.
Matthew: Now that's an offer I just can't refuse.
David: Hey, it's weapons-grade material. A little dab'll do ya.


Matthew: All right, all right, could you lay off the hair now?
David: Lay off? Do you have any idea how much work it is to make it look like you don't care what your hair looks like?


[David asks Matthew if he wants to be Clint or Asa as they are about to go out with a couple of escorts]
Matthew: Asa. I want to be Asa all the way.
David: Gives us a lot of room to work with.
Matthew: Well, I'm 16.
David: Only on paper.
Matthew: But Fawn and Wendy, they're ladies.
David: Don't let them hear you say that!


David: Matthew, you are rugged. You've lived. You've survived. You've seen the world, and you have platinum credit. (pause) Actually, you're none of those things, but you'll be standing right next to me bathed in my aura. You'll be the pilot fish to my thresher shark. What an image!


Matthew: (about Fawn and Wendy) They were prostitutes?
David: Don't you look down your nose. Your grandmother is one of them.
Matthew: You paid somebody money to be nice to me?
David: I paid them for the sex. The nice is all about you. Look. She's not gonna be the love of your life, all right, but after the week you had, you need a little fun and little confidence. Look. I promise you, once you cross this frontier, the world is gonna look like a whole different place. What's wrong? You looked ticked off.
Matthew: Actually, it's the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time.


Destiny: So, you've been with Bambi.
David: Her name is Fawn.
Destiny: Whatever. And you just passed her on to your little brother?
David: Nothing but the best for my little bro. She's the third-most expensive escort in Llanview.


Matthew: (to Destiny, about Fawn) I didn't sleep with her. Just don't tell David, okay? He wants to think that he made everything better for me.


David: (to Matthew) Yeah, there he is, my little cougar tamer.


Matthew: You want me to call Fawn?
David: I programmed her into your cell phone. (about Dani) Let little Miss South Pacific over there see you in the company of a real woman.
Matthew: Okay, do you not realize that this our grandmother's hotel?
David: Do you not realize that she doesn't have a problem with p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-i-o-n?
Matthew: Uh, Dad will if she tells him that I'm here with a working girl.
David: Evening consultant.


David: (to Matthew) We don't worry about things. We talk behind people's backs. We're Buchanans.


David: (to Matthew) Ah, youth. You remind me of myself 15 years ago. Don't you do the math.


David: (to Matthew) We're brothers. You have to watch out for me while I look out for myself.


Matthew: I found out Nate came into some money.
David: Money?
Matthew: A lot of it.
David: You buried the lead.


Matthew: I'm probably gonna regret this decision, but what do you think I should do?
David: Let's think of what I would do and then do the opposite because that's what Pa would do. I would lie, so you should fess up.


Matthew: (about Dani) She completely blew me off. She didn't even want to hear what I had to say.
David: I knew it. Nothing good ever comes from following your conscience.


[David and Matthew overslept on the day Bo and Nora return from their honeymoon]
Matthew: We were supposed to get up at 7:00 and clean. Remember the plan?
David: Was I at this meeting?
Matthew: It was your idea! Remember? "We'll go through here like commandos"?
David: If I said, "Go commando," that's not what I meant.


[Bo and Nora’s place is a mess thanks to David and Matthew]
Matthew: We might as well start thinking of excuses now.
David: No, no. I know how that works. You start blaming me, and you make up stories about parties and hookers.
Matthew: Well, that's the truth.
David: No. Those are simply facts, and they don't help us in our case with Pa.


Matthew: Were you drinking last night because you were in a good mood or a bad mood?
David: Usually starts as the former and ends as the latter.


[David sees that Bo and Nora are wearing leis]
David: Oh, look, Matthew -- they got lei'd in Hawaii.


David: Why are you so glum? Are you sick? Are you drunk? If you're drunk, I'll join you.
Matthew: I'm not drunk.
David: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you got dumped again. That would be a record. No, actually, I hold that record. You know, I got dumped by half the kick line at Radio City Music Hall in one night.


Matthew: Can you keep a secret?
David: No, but I love secrets. All you got to do is tell me once a day to keep my mouth shut. Better yet, I'll tell you what, I'll put it in my phone under my daily alarm. (begins typing on his phone) "Don't tell anyone that Matthew..."


[Bull is dead, and Matthew feels guilty]
Matthew: Look, the only reason I told --
David: The truth.
Matthew: Was because I was jealous.
David: Jealous? What are you talking about? Half this town is jealous of me. It doesn't make them guilty of murder.


Matthew: David, somebody died. I have to tell my parents.
David: And break their hearts? What if you're right, Matthew? What if there's some itsy-bitsy law that makes you guilty?
David: So only Bull and me know the truth. Bull is dead, and I'm your brother. Your secret is safe.
Matthew: I can't ask you to lie for me.
David: Who's lying? I'm just not -- volunteering. There is a difference.


David: Didn't I do a really good job taking care of Matthew while you and Ma were on your honeymoon?
Bo: Maybe too good.
David: Well, what is that supposed to mean?
Bo: Come on. Hookers, David? Really?
David: Fawn and Wendy are escorts.


Destiny: Since when are you listening to David?
Matthew: Believe it or not, the guy actually gives some pretty good advice. (showing her a manuscript) Why do you think he's been shopping this around all day?
Destiny: (reading the manuscript) "Learning to Live With Guilt. It's Not as Bad as You Think." By... David Vickers wrote a book??


[David just invited the pool boy, who turns out to be Nate, to his and Dorian’s wedding]
Matthew: That's Nate.
David: Nate who?
Matthew: Nate, the guy who stole Dani.
David: I thought you said he was ugly. He's your average good-looking person.
Matthew: The point is you're my brother. You're supposed to have my back.
David: You're right. (to Nate) I'm sorry. You're uninvited.


Matthew: You really think I have a killer instinct?
Clint: It's a Buchanan family trait. Asa had it in spades, and I think I've proven myself in that department, as well.
Matthew: You mean like when you brought the shotgun to my parents' wedding and threatened to shoot my brother?