"WWPD? What Would Pa Do?" -- David & Bo (2010)

David: Pa, I need you to arrest someone for me!


[David finds Blair and Eli together in Bo’s office]
David: You're doing it on my dad's desk? Is the Palace booked?


Bo: What can we do for you, David?
David: Oh, Pa, I'm really sorry to hear that Dorian gave you the heave-ho, you know, job-wise. I swung by "Crème Brûlée." I wanted to give her a piece of my mind. She's not there.
Bo: Well, thanks, son, but I don't want you to go and badger Dorian on my -- you know what? On second thought --
David: Say no more, Pa. Say no more. I will find Dorian and by golly, I will force her to give you your job back.
Bo: I doubt you'll be able to do that.


David: (to Bo) Poor Matthew, huh? He gets his legs back just in time to have his heart stomped. I guess he's got to be pretty happy that he can pee standing up again.


Bo: David, you wanted me to -- to arrest someone for you?
David: I totally do. Robert Ford stole my name, he stole my reality show, and worst of all, he recast me.
Bo: (with faux shock) No.
David: Yes. And now he's got the show up on the internet, he's raking it in, and the guy he recast me with is a total nerd loser.


David: Why did you fire Bo?
Dorian: Ha! Ahem. We haven't seen each other in how long and that's the first thing you're going to say to me?
David: He's my dad, Dorian.


David: Do you really think I would take up with you after you fired my father?
Dorian: David, are you gonna let this issue with your father get in the way of our happiness?
David: Until you rehire Bo, there's no room for us to find happiness. As a matter of fact, you and I have nothing to say to each other.


David: Are you going to rehire Bo?
Dorian: No. It's out of my hands.
David: Then so am I.


David: (to Kelly, about Rex) You know what? I don't understand why my dad always thought that guy was so great when he left me out in the cold. It's bringing up all sorts of memories about how my family shut me out.


Bo: (to John) I think of everything that my boys have added to my life, and -- ha. Even David, all right? And there is no way to measure it.


[Brody was out trying to get a wedding tux for Bo]
Brody: Logan’s was closed because the power was out.
Bo: Well, what about that other place? What's it --
David: No, no, no. Bite your tongue. You don't mean Tommy’s Top Tuxes, where polyester goes to die?


[Bo puts on a vintage blue tux]
David: Well, if disco comes back, you'll be right in style, Pa.
Brody: Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay? But it really was the last tuxedo in town.
David: Well, on the bright side, it's a perfect color match to your eyes.
Bo: You noticed.
David: What, are you kidding? Where do you think I got my baby blues? I inherited them from my Pa.


Matthew: Hey, big brother, how'd you get in here?
David: Hey, little brother. (to Bo) We call each other big brother and little brother. Isn't that cool? (to Matthew) What do you mean, how did I get in here? I got my ways.
Bo: Yeah, well, whatever you do, don't teach any of them to him.


David: All right. Found us a nice red to go with the sauce.
John: You stole wine from the church.
David: Oh, no. It's all right. It hasn't been blessed yet.
Brody: That's not the point.
David: You can arrest me if you like, but I'm not sending my Pa to the altar without a nice toast.


[David tries to pour Matthew some wine]
Bo: Don't even think about it.
David: I tried, little bro.


[David makes a toast]
David: Well, during this momentous occasion, I think it's appropriate to invoke the immortal words of Rudyard Kipling. "A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." To Bo and Nora.


Bo: My bride will be here in just a couple of minutes, and we don't even have anybody to perform the ceremony!
David: How about me?
Bo: This is no time for jokes, David.
David: Who's joking? I happen to be an ordained minister.
Bo: The Buddhists ordained you?
David: No, no, no. The Scientologists, when I was out in L.A. doing my acting. I just couldn't resist those thetans.
Rex: Why would they ordain you?
David: Somebody had to marry Tom and Katie.


David: So, what do you say, Pa? Will I marry you?


David: Please, Pa, let me marry you.
Bo: Uh, I don't think Nora would like this.
David: Oh, come on. Ma loves me like a son. Besides, who's gonna do the ceremony? Little Richard?
Bo: I think I still have his number somewhere.
David: Well, of course you do, but you're aware he's still recovering from hip surgery.
Bo: Tsk.
David: I know people. So I may not be Little Richard, but I can do this. Legally! I want to do this. You brought me into this world. This is the least I can do in return.


Bo: You're really a minister?
David: Well, I quit the Scientologists when I left Los Angeles. Creative differences. But I was recently ordained online in London. Here. I have proof. (showing him a card from his pocket) There you go.
Bo: AFTRA?
David: Mm-hmm. Oh. Sorry. Wrong card. (getting out the right card) I am an official member of the BMOC.
Charlie: BMOC?
David: British Ministers Ordained in Cyberspace. I'm still waiting on my Union Jack Bible cover.


[Bo agrees to let David marry him and Nora]
David: I'll go change.
Bo: Hey, David? David! No orange robe.


[David is dressed in a bright, multi-colored robe to marry Bo and Nora]
Bo: David, what did I tell you?
David: No orange robe. You were very clear about that. As you can see, this is not an orange robe.
Bo: Whoof! What is it?
David: The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Apparently St. James is doing a production this summer. It's nice, right?


[Bo and Nora are about to get married with David presiding]
David: Shall I begin?
Bo: Just make sure that you stick to the ceremony.
David: Absolutely. No worries. Ladies, please be seated. (reading off a script) "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join [Insert names] in ho--" oh! To join my Pa Bo Buchanan and his lovely ex-wife Nora Hanen Gannon Buchanan Hanen Buchanan Buchanan. If you're thinking Colson, you're wrong. That marriage was annulled.
[Clint threatens to shoot David after accusing him of making Kim leave town]
Bo: Is this true, David?
David: Pa, you believe a man who brought a shotgun to your wedding over your own son?
Nora: Okay, you're not answering the question now.
David: Fine. I did or did not do what I may or may not have done out of love for the Buchanan family.
Clint: Say that again, Vickeroshi.


David: Pa and Nora, it was destiny that originally brought you together. (looking over at Destiny) Not you.
Destiny: Jackass.
David: But it's love that has now brought you back together. And now for a reading on this subject, Jessica Brennan and Natalie Banks, your twin nieces. Fraternal.


[Matthew has the rings for Bo and Nora]
David: Yo, little bro. Bring the bling.
[Matthew hands over the rings]
Bo: With this ring, I thee wed.
Nora: With this ring, I thee wed.
[Matthew fist-bumps David a little too vigorously]
David: Ow. And so, by the power vested in me by Andrew Lloyd Webber and the BMOC, I now pronounce you husband and wife. What David Vickers Buchanan has brought together, let no man put asunder.


[Rex wants to volunteer to step in to give the best-man speech for Bo]
David: I was just about to offer.
Rex: You performed the ceremony.
David: Exactly. So why get in the way of my flow? Besides, he's my Pa, not yours.
Bo: David. You did just a bang-up job on the ceremony.
David: Did I? I did. I did.
Bo: Yeah, but now I want to share with you something that my Pa told me when he was teaching me how to play poker.
David: Ah! Poker advice from Asa Buchanan. A rite of passage.
Bo: Yeah, yeah. See, what he told me was that you always quit while you're ahead.
David: Got it. Rex, you should make the toast.


[Rex has finished his speech for Bo]
David: Eh, I give the speech a 7.5. I took off points for split infinitives and dangling participles.
Bo: Well, that's only fair.
David: I guess it could have been worse. At least he didn't say "between you and I." I hate it when people use the reflexive form of "I" when it's the object of a preposition. Don't you, Pa?
Bo: Yeah, yeah, but maybe there's hope for Balsom yet.
David: Eh, maybe.
Bo: David. Thanks for letting him make the toast.
David: He's like a son to you.
Bo: Yeah. Yeah, he is. And so are you.
David: You don't have to say that.
Bo: Ah, I know.


[David is writing down the details of Matthew’s fight with Dani]
Matthew: Are you writing all this down?
David: Oh, I see Pa do this all the time. Seems like a good idea. After all, a crime has been committed here, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.


David: (to Matthew) WWPD? What would Pa do?


David: (to Matthew) I left Viki, a veritable feast, and the best tanning day of the entire year because I'm supposed to be keeping my eye out for you while Ma and Pa are on their honeymoon.


Matthew: As mad as I was at Dani, I was even more mad at Nate. So I found out a way to get some revenge.
David: I don't know what I want to hear first, why you were at the country club spending all of Pa's hard-earned money without me or what exactly you did to get back at this Nate guy.


Matthew: I'm probably gonna regret this decision, but what do you think I should do?
David: Let's think of what I would do and then do the opposite because that's what Pa would do.


David: I know how that works. You start blaming me, and you make up stories about parties and hookers.
Matthew: Well, that's the truth.
David: No. Those are simply facts, and they don't help us in our case with Pa.


[Bo and Nora return from their honeymoon]
David: Pa! Ma!
Nora: Okay, you're -- I -- don't call me --
David: Welcome back!
[David sees that Bo and Nora are wearing leis]
David: Oh, look, Matthew, they got lei'd in Hawaii.


[Bo is surprised that the apartment is spotless]
Bo: Uh...you two responsible for this?
David: Let's go with yes.


Nora: I'm amazed. This is -- this is not how I thought two guys alone would live.
Bo: No, I expected to find pizza boxes, dirty laundry.
David: Come on, Pa. That is so cliché.
Bo: I thought it was normal.


[David thinks Bo and Nora brought him a gift from their honeymoon]
David: Oh, boy. I can hardly wait. What'd you bring me?
Bo: Uh...
[Bo reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of airline peanuts]
David: Bag of nuts?
Bo: Yeah.
David: Thanks, Pa!
[David grabs Bo and hugs him]
Bo: No -- okay, David, David, a little goes a long way.
David: You can say that again.


Bo: Listen, hey, David, I want to thank you for keeping things under control around here.
David: Well, you sound surprised.
Bo: Completely surprised.
David: Well, I tell you what. I'm gonna keep surprising you, and you're never gonna have to post bail.


David: Do you notice anything new?
Bo: Did you get new teeth whitener?
David: No. I -- well, actually, yeah. I did. Why, does it look bad?


[Bo sees muffins]
Bo: Where did these come from?
David: That's what I was talking about. Your favorite son baked them himself.
Bo: Matthew knows how to work an oven?
David: Your other favorite son.
Bo: You made these?
David: Just for you. I used real eggs!
Bo: Ah.


Bo: I got to get to work.
David: But I was gonna start a new tradition between the two of us -- daily father-and-son breakfasts.
Bo: Daily?
David: Yeah. Hey, I have an idea. Every morning, you and I, we can have coffee. We could read the paper together. Hey, The Sun has a new weather section!


Bo: David, listen. There's barely enough room in here for Nora, Matthew, and me.
David: I'll bunk with Matthew.
Bo: No. You take more time in the bathroom than all the rest of us put together.
David: That's because I care about my appearance, not like you quaint, simple folk.


David: Didn't I do a really good job taking care of Matthew while you and Ma were on your honeymoon?
Bo: Maybe too good.
David: Well, what is that supposed to mean?
Bo: Come on. Hookers, David? Really?
David: Fawn and Wendy are escorts.


David: (to Bo) Well, where am I supposed to go, huh? Uncle Clint's entire security detail has got orders to shoot me on sight.


Bo: Listen. You're an adult. At least you're grown. Now, I know that you're gonna land on your feet, David. You are. What about Dorian?
David: Dorian? That woman would make a train take a dirt road.


Bo: Can I give you a little fatherly advice?
David: You kidding? I'd like that more than anything.
Bo: Wait until people have eaten your muffin before you tell them that you are the one that made it, okay? Okay.


Viki: Bo throw you out, huh?
David: Viki, don't get mad at my pa, okay? He had to do it for Nora. She couldn't take her eyes off me.


David: So what was the perp? How was that? Did I sound like Pa?
Brody: Not at all.


David: (to Clint) If you kill me, my pa will have to arrest you, and I'm not worth it. You don't want to go to jail.


[David finds Nora watching Bo and Inez]
David: Uh-oh. I don't know who she is, but if she sticks around, you can kiss Pa good-bye.


[David saw Bo talking to Inez]
David: I don't like that.
Bo: Aw, come on.
David: No wonder she doesn't know you have another son. There's not a single snapshot of me in here anywhere. I'll tell you what. I'll get you an 11x17 from the wedding album. You can put it right there on the wall.
Bo: Huh? Are you getting married?
David: Yes, I am.
Bo: I hope it's not to that hooker that you left stranded at the garret. I don't think she is bride material.
David: Nah, nah, nah. She was just one step on the long and winding road to Dorian Lord.
Bo: Very funny.
David: It's not a joke.
Bo: Wait. You're marrying Dorian?
David: You don't approve?
Bo: Well, if I didn't, would that stop you?


Bo: You want my blessing with Dorian. I want to know what would happen if you didn't get it. Would you marry her anyway?
David: Would I lose my inheritance?
Bo: That is not an answer, David.
David: By God, I love her. So yes, I'd marry her whether you approved or not.
Bo: Good.
David: Good? Is that a thumbs-up?
Bo: Not really. I just wanted to make sure that you love her, because that's all that counts.
David: Well, I hope that means you'll be my best man.
[Bo grimaces]


David: The last time you were a best man was when Uncle Clint got married to Nora. Don't you want to wash that bad taste out of your mouth? This wedding will do that. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Bo: Where is the wedding?
David: The country club.
Bo: The same place you left Dorian standing at the altar?
David: Yeah, we're gonna power-wash our mouths, too.


David: Now, come on, Pa. I performed that ceremony for you. I stepped in, I saved the day, right?
Bo: You got a point.
David: Besides, I really want my pa standing next to me. Because you really are...the best man.
Bo: I'll be there. I will. Congratulations...son.
[David hugs Bo]


Langston: I told them to start playing, but Bo and David weren't in their cabana.
Dorian: Oh? Huh, Bo and David? Go check in the bar, darling.


[David has been thrown in jail in Morocco]
David: Guard! This is a big mistake! My pa's the police commissioner. He's also my best man! He's not gonna like this one bit.


[David yells at the guards in jail]
David: You can't treat me like this. I know people. I know people who know people. Hell, I am people. I'm a Buchanan. Whoever grabbed me better be scared. My pa is the police commissioner! When he finds out, he's gonna come at you guys with everything the Buchanan empire has.


David: (to the guard) You can hold the couscous, pal, because when my pa and Dorian figure out what's going on, your days are numbered.


Nora: You and I drove Clint into Kim's arms, and your son David drove Kim away.
Bo: My son David. Does that always stick in your throat?
Nora: Well, I've been practicing.
Bo: Oh, really?
Nora: A lot of practice.