"Such a Barnacle" -- David/Spencer 2006

Spencer: (to David and Paige) I see you two have been putting your heads together again. Should I be concerned?
David: Oh. Spoken like a man with a guilty conscience.


Spencer: Seriously, Davey, I still have my hopes up that you and I will be able to be a team again someday just like we used to be.
David: Oh, yeah, the good old days, when we bilked people out of their money, among other things.


Spencer: Look, just go to the mansion, all right, and find the photograph that I presented to Asa on New Year's Eve.
David: Spencer, why can't you just tell me what it is?
Spencer: Well, what would be the fun in that? Besides, I need to know if you still have the touch.
David: You're either born with it or you're not. You don't lose the touch.


Spencer: Break into the mansion without Asa seeing you. And if he does see you, don't mention anything to him about the photograph because he really has no idea how it got there.
David: Wait a second, you just said that you gave it to him.
Spencer: I did. He was just slightly incapacitated at the time.
David: "Incapacitated?" Why would he lose his head over a photograph?


Spencer: You want what's best for Blair and the children, don't you?
David: Yeah, and that's not you.


Spencer: Well done, David, well done. A slightly wooden performance, though, but, hey, you had such a gullible audience.
David: Why did you make me do that? You heard her herself. She's already there.
Spencer: Just confirms what I already suspected -- that Todd's history, but --
David: Are you telling me that you -- you put her through all of that just for confirmation?
Spencer: Well, that and the fact that I just plain old like making you do stuff.
David: It's ironic that a guy who looks just like Superman can act so much like Lex Luthor. Blair's going to wake up one day, and she's going to realize that you're more sinister than Todd Manning ever was.


David: What did I miss?
Spencer: Oh, not much. Blair's distraught, you know?
David: Oh, really? Maybe because her life is falling apart. She's such a whiner, isn't she?


Spencer: I think she's just finally starting to realize that the faith that she had in Manning was misplaced, that's all.
David: Well, that's good for you, isn't it, Spencer?
Spencer: How did she seem to you the other day on your visit?
David: How do you think? She's learning every evil thing that Todd's ever done -- the lies, the crimes. Look at you smirking. You're such a barnacle, Spencer.


Spencer: Get her out of here.
David: I'm not the valet.


Dorian: Of all the people on earth, you had to call your brother Spencer? I mean, why do you still have any faith left in him at all?
David: This has nothing to do with faith. Somebody had to tell Blair that Starr was missing. He only won by proximity.


David: Wow, Spencer, congratulations. You broke a land speed record moving in on the widow manning.
Spencer: She's not married, David, and all I'm doing is merely helping Blair get through a rough time, that's all.
David: You don't merely do anything.


David: I'm going home.
Spencer: Hang on, hang on. There's one more thing I need you to do for me.
David: Is this ever going to end?


Spencer: David, I'm this close to having everything I came here for.
David: Don't use that gesture when you talk to Blair.


Spencer: You know, I just wanted to thank you for giving Duke that little nudge earlier.
David: Well, what can I say, I love doing your dirty work.


Spencer: You know, David, as much as the Buchanan men despise you, don't you enjoy leading them around by the nose just a little bit?
David: You know, shocking as it may be to a cyborg like yourself, I only enjoy spreading menace and mayhem on my own behalf.


Spencer: Now, look, you are so ridiculously incapable of thinking long-term.
David: Really? Well, why don't you educate me, o wise one?
Spencer: Well, it just doesn't suit my interests for you and Dorian to be together at the moment, but things do change. You just have to be ready.
David: So in the meantime, I just hang out at a place like this, drowning my sorrows until the worm turns? You being the worm, of course.


[David is trying to get a hold of Spencer on the phone]
David: Spencer, pick up the phone or I'll just keep calling. You know, you can't avoid me after you told me what you did to Kevin. All right, fine, I'm coming over there, then -- and don't think that I've forgotten how to break into a locked door.
[David hangs up and mutters to himself]
David: How am I going to break into that locked door?
.
.
David: (to Paige) So Spencer murdered Margaret. Somehow, you found out about it, but now you can't say anything because of Bo. My God, the one crime I thought my brother didn't commit --


David: My life started going down the tubes the moment Spencer entered this town.
Dorian: Hmm.
David: My brother is a cancer.
Dorian: I would have taken him for a Leo.


Spencer: Dave, what do you want? It's late, come on.
David: Oh, nothing much. I just felt like chatting. How are you doing? You know, I'm really surprised that you're not down here at the hospital. I'm surprised that you'd give up an opportunity to dance on the grave of Asa Buchanan. Although, I guess he's not technically dead yet.
Spencer: What are you talking about?
David: Oh, come on, Spencer, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. The old cowboy's having a massive heart attack. Well, you've been trying to ruin his life for, I don't know, the past few months, I don't even know why. But looks like maybe you've succeeded.


David: (to Spencer about Asa) His ticker has short-circuited. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Huh? So I just thought I'd call. You know, chat, exchange a few pleasantries, and let you know that, as usual, you've gotten what you wanted.


David: Well, you've got your hands in all kinds of pots now, don't you?
Spencer: Don't I always?


Spencer: I don't really have time for you cat-and-mouse games tonight, Davey.
David: Why is that? Trouble in Blair-a-dise? Huh? You get it?


Spencer: As for the questions about our mother, you're wrong, as usual, yeah.
David: Really? Based on the low level of scotch in the decanter, I'd say I'm right on target.


Spencer: So did you and Paige have any new revelations about me or is it just the same old "I hate Spencer" song and dance?
David: No, no. We covered new ground -- Margaret Cochran.
Spencer: Yeah, and? You're telling me this why, exactly?
David: I know you had something to do with Margaret's death, Spencer.
Spencer: Dave. You've gone over the edge this time, man.
David: I don't think so. You see, I stirred my primordial soup and I came up with this theory. I worked it backwards, it goes like this -- Margaret died, Todd got blamed for it. They both lost, you won. Now, Todd gets the needle, which gives you a clear shot at the grieving widow. It's pretty brilliant.
Spencer: Well, it sounds like you have all the answers.
David: Except one. How long before someone else figures out that the wrong man went to death row?


David: Spencer, you have a tell. Embarrassingly, it's not even a very subtle one, you brainiac. It's always been to my best interest, because I've stood in good stead all these years.


David: This seemingly childish vendetta that you've got against Bo -- it's -- it's got to be more than just bourgeois jealousy.
Spencer: I couldn't care less who Paige sleeps with.
David: Oh, sure you could, but it's got more to do than -- than just sex. The guy's crazy about her. His kid even adores her. Hell, your ex-wife won the Buchanan sweepstakes.
Spencer: As if that were some kind of great victory.
David: Wealth by association has always worked for me.


David: You know, it's actually good to have something on you for a change.
Spencer: You don't have anything.
David: "I don't have anything." You're sulking. We'll see.


David: (to Paige) Spencer doesn't know how much I know, but he's really rattled like a nun caught skimming from the offering. I like it, I've never seen him like this.


David: (to Paige) I do know this -- Spencer wanted Todd out of the way and now Todd is out of the way via a double murder conviction/lethal injection, and then you had something you needed to tell Todd that only you know. You're engaged to the police commissioner, who happens to be a Buchanan, and Spencer hates all things Buchanan. It's a six-degree sort of thing, or seven or however many it took me to make the connection.


[Spencer finds David dining at The Palace]
Spencer: Must be a new waiter. He obviously didn't recognize you from your likeness on the "wanted" poster in Renee's office.
David: Spencer. Fancy meeting you here.
Spencer: No, nothing fancy about it. I do live here, take most of my meals here, so it only stands to reason that you would find me here.
David: An excellent point. I'm about to receive a complimentary bottle of champagne. Why don't you join me?
Spencer: Oh, merry -- I'm sure I'll be paying for it, right?


Spencer: This change in your disposition, David -- it's really becoming quite annoying.
David: Oh, I can imagine. I know how you hate not knowing damn near everything about damn near everything.


Spencer: I know you're trying to con your big brother. You got nothing, David.
David: You got nothing, either, Spencer, especially Blair. A hitch in your best-laid plans?
Spencer: She's having a rough time adjusting to losing Todd, that's all.
David: What if she doesn't make the adjustment?


David: Actually, I came prepared to speak about something more interesting than your love life with Blair.
Spencer: What could be more interesting? However, David, I think I'll let the pot get just a little bit bigger before I go into discussing details about my love life with you.
David: Okay. But if you don't play, you don't win. So think on this -- everybody has allies, even Todd, and wouldn't you like to find out who they are?
Spencer: You better not be bluffing, David, because if you go all in with me, you better have a card up your sleeve or you will lose everything.


[David finds out that Spencer is being honored with an award]
David: (to Spencer) What blind moron recognized you?
Michael: The Scarborough society.
David: You finally perfected the personality transplant.
Spencer: Well, when I do, you'll be my first patient, Dave.
David: Hmm.
Michael: Your brother's just been awarded one of the most prestigious awards in medicine.
David: Groovy.


David: Spencer, all of the awards and the honors are going to be a nice, ironic touch when everyone finally sees you for the wart that you truly are.
Spencer: Oh, thank you, David. I appreciate the sentiment.


[Paige thinks that Spencer clubbed Margaret to death with a baseball bat]
David: Paige, Spencer's not that literal. You know that. I mean, a needle full of potassium chloride, maybe. But a bloody baseball bat? Come on, he wouldn't want to get something nasty on his suit.


Paige: You said last night you didn't think Spencer murdered anyone.
David: "Lately." I added that part, didn't I?


David: Hey, we need to talk.
Spencer: Not now, David. In case you haven't noticed, I'm just a little preoccupied saving lives.
David: You might want to put those miracles on hold.


David: Spencer or Todd? Pick your poison.


[Todd wants David to help him bring down Spencer]
David: I would love to see Spencer get what never seems to be coming to him. I thought you actually had a viable plan. Apparently, all you want me to do is do your dirty work for you, so no. You picked the wrong ally.
Todd: You hate me that much?
David: Whether I hate you is irrelevant. I don't have anything on Spencer. I can't help you.
Todd: So, let me get this straight. I'm going to get the lethal injection and you won't help me because you're too much of a freaking coward to stand up to your brother.
David: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.


David: (to Todd) We're talking about Spencer here. I know him. Once you think you've got something on him, he usually has an ace stashed up his lab coat.


[David is snooping through Spencer's belongings]
David: How many custom-made Italian shirts does one guy need?


David: Spencer loves to toot his own horn very loudly.


[David is on the phone trying to find Spencer and Blair]
David: Have Dr. Truman and his lady friend left the hotel? Hmm. This is his pharmacist, Dr. Charles Dilman. He had requested an ointment for a rather urgent and personal matter, if you know what I mean. I can't seem to reach him on his cell phone. Oh, he is? He's still there? Well, maybe the problem has cleared up on its own, although that's very unlikely. Thank you.


[David talks to a random doctor in an attempt to get dirt on Spencer]
David: (to the doctor) See, here's the deal -- Spencer is about to receive an award. They've asked me to say a few things about his accomplishments. There are so many accomplishments to cover. I'm very proud of my brother, and my parents thought that his chronic bed-wetting as a teen would lead to nothing but embarrassment for our entire family. He sure showed them, didn't he?


Spencer: You're awfully quiet, little brother.
David: Well, all this humanitarian talk is giving me goose bumps that I can't get rid of. Or hives. You're both doctors. Are these goose bumps or hives?


[Paige thinks that Spencer killed Margaret's baby]
David: Spencer is capable of a lot of things, but he usually thinks the person on the other end is getting what they deserve. That little baby didn't have time to do anything to him yet.


Paige: The old Spencer -- the man that I married -- he was manipulative, he was arrogant, but -- but underneath it all, he was still a human being.
David: He doesn't have a soft, gooey center, Paige. You're giving him too much credit.


[David goes to Thailand to try to find Margaret's baby...he shows a bartender there a picture of Spencer]
David: This is my brother. His name is Spencer Truman and he's not okay in the head, if you know what I mean. He's going around telling people he's a big-shot doctor.
Bartender: Is he in trouble?
David: No, he's not the kind of guy that gets into trouble, he's the kind of guy that makes trouble, and I think that he may have made some trouble in and/or around Bangkok. He makes the messes, I clean them up.


[While in Thailand, David calls Paige -- but Spencer, who is with Paige, grabs the phone away from her]
Spencer: I'll bet that this is my brother, David, isn't it? Long time no talk to.
David: Spencer?
Spencer: And now it's time to play "where in the world is David Vickers?"
David: It doesn't really matter where I am. I'm just getting a little R and R.
[Spencer hears a person speaking Thai in the background]
Spencer: Well, apparently, you're grabbing it in Thailand.


[David has found a very much alive Margaret Cochran in Thailand -- only she claims not to know anything about her past history]
Margaret: Look, it's not every day that somebody comes to my door claiming to know me and carrying on about some people named Todd and Spender.
David: "Spender?" No one's named Spender. Spencer -- Spencer Truman! The guy who used you to frame Todd to get him out of the way. You remember Todd, don't you, the one you were madly in love with?


[David cheerily takes a picture of Margaret and sends it to Spencer over his cell phone.]
David: Good morning, Spencer. At least it is in my neck of the world.
Spencer: And where would that be, Dave?
David: I am on a photo safari. And I just bagged a beauty. Did you get it? Would you like to compliment your brother, the marksman?
Spencer: Oh, I think I could appreciate it a lot more if I knew where you were.
David: All right, all right! Since you insist, I'll put her on.
[David turns to Margaret and hands her the phone]
David: (to Margaret) Someone would like to reach out and touch you.
Margaret: (speaking into the phone) Hello? Who is this?
Spencer: Put David back on the phone, right now.
Margaret: Look, I don't know what this is about, but it's giving me the creeps.
[David takes the phone back and speaks into it]
David: I'll bet you can name that tune in four notes.
Spencer: All right, David, just tell me what you want.
David: Margaret, would you give me a few private roaming minutes with my big brother, Spencer?
Margaret: Oh -- okay. I'll wait for you over there. But this is really weird, and I want some answers. (she leaves)
David: Okey-dokey. Dead woman walking, away. (to Margaret) Not too far.


Spencer: You really think you have the upper hand, don't you, David?
David: Oh, I do have the upper hand. I have the ace in the hole. I have all the cards, all the marbles. And if you want to add one more cliché to the pile, let's talk turkey, Spencer.


David: How's the view from under my thumb, Spencer?


Spencer: All right, just tell me what you want, damn it.
David: Simply this. You make sure that my name is never mentioned in Thomas Mc Bain's murder, and I will never let on that Margaret Cochran is alive and well and speaking Thai like a -- person from Thailand.


David: (to Spencer) I didn't come here looking for Margaret, I came here looking for the baby. I thought you killed the nut job. You remember the baby, don't you? The one that you and Paige delivered? You're listening to me now, aren't you? Yeah, I'm all too aware of the not-so-immaculate delivery.


David: We'll keep Margaret our dirty little secret. Of course, I'll keep some evidence as an insurance policy. A guy can't be too sure when his brother's a stinking, lying liar.
Spencer: Oh, but you would throw Paige to the wolves just to save yourself, right, David?
David: There's nothing more I can do for Paige. But God helps those who help themselves.
Spencer: I'm not God, David.
David: Yeah, you just play him when it suits you.


Spencer: You have no idea what you've done, David.
David: Sure I do, Mr. Toastmaster general, so I took extra precautions to be safe.
Spencer: Safe? You're never going to be safe another day in your life, you understand me?
David: Oh, shiver. Should I be afraid?
Spencer: Yes, Davey. You should be afraid -- very afraid. Sleep tight, wherever you are.


Margaret: So, did your brother get more chatty after I left?
David: Spencer was a little bowled over. He didn't say much.


David: (to Margaret) Spencer is the one who has been setting all of us up. We're going to cut him off at the knees -- speaking figuratively.


Spencer: All right, look, man, you know -- I mean, whatever bad blood there is between us, I don't want you dead, okay?
David: Yeah, just Todd Manning, right?


[David explains why he doesn't have a problem letting Todd stay on death row]
David: Todd Manning may not have killed Margaret, but he is far from innocent.
Spencer: Oh, I see. I'm not the only Truman boy who enjoys playing God.
David: The only difference is, I know I'm not God. Although he probably looks like me. I didn't want to do this, Spencer, but you forced my hand. Do we have a deal, or not?


David: You'll have Todd's blood on your hands.
Spencer: And so will you, my brother. Along with Thomas Mc Bain's.
David: Yeah, well, maybe they'll do a two-fer on the injection. Two of us for the price of one.


David: Listen, all you need to know about Spencer is that the only person on the planet he cares about is a woman named Blair Cramer, and he would do anything to have her.
Margaret: Anything?
David: Anything.


David: Let me make this very clear -- I never want another thing from you for as long as I live.
Spencer: Really? What about money?
David: Yeah, okay. That sounds good.


[Natalie and John have found David in Thailand]
Natalie: Well, while I'm stuck with you, why don't you enlighten me on who did frame Todd? Was it your brother?
David: My loving brother, Spencer? The brother who recently tried to have me killed?


[Dorian comes to visit David while he is in jail awaiting trial for the murder of Thomas McBain]
David: You may find this hard to believe, but I was a stupid kid. But I wanted to be just like my old man, even though he was a petty, two-bit con artist. Spencer was his bagman.
Dorian: What is that?
David: A kind of collector. I wanted to show my dad that I could do anything Spencer could, so I offered to go on one Spencer's runs. It was a simple job -- I just had to go in and pick up a gambling debt. Go in, take the money, get out. I asked Spencer for a gun. I wanted to show that I could be a player. Everything after I picked up that gun just felt wrong. But I was 16, I was playing chicken with the world. You don't think about those things then. Anyway, I went in, and it turned out that there was a drug deal going on. A cop busted in. I got scared, I hightailed it out of there. The cop followed me. I heard him over my shoulder, he was shouting for me to freeze. I panicked. I shot. The cop went down. I went to the hospital. I prayed that he would live, but he didn't. He died, I killed him. Spencer covered for me. Spencer got me out of the country, and I didn't even know who this man was till a few weeks ago.
Dorian: This is what Spencer's been holding over you all these years?
David: He's used it to make me do a whole lot of things that I regret, none more so than losing the one piece of true happiness I ever had.


[Spencer comes to visit David in jail]
Spencer: I thought I'd better come check up on you, see how you're doing. I was worried about you, Dave, down there in Thailand. Being monsoon season and all, it must've been brutal.
David: Well, believe it or not, it wasn't the weather that ruined my trip, Spencer. It was the hit man who tried to kill me -- twice.
Spencer: Sorry about that. I'm glad to see you made it, though.


David: You know, Spencer, I thought you and I had a deal. I should've known better. Apparently, I was just a pawn in the Blair Cramer bidding war.


Spencer: Blair's not going to believe a damn thing you have to say, David. Your butt's in the sling for shooting Thomas Mc Bain. That makes you a desperate man, and a desperate man would say and do just about anything to save his own skin.
David: Even so, I bet I can persuade her. All I need to do is plant a seed of doubt. Actually, what I'll probably be doing is sprinkling fertilizer over a seed that's already been planted.


David: I want you to make this murder charge against me disappear.
Spencer: It won't be easy. John McBain has an eyewitness.
David: Well, why don't you take that eyewitness, Spencer, erase his memory, and ship him off to Thailand? Oh, wait -- you tried that once and it didn't work, did it?


David: I'll go straight to Blair and tell her everything that I know.
Spencer: And what would that accomplish? You'd still be in jail.
David: But I'd get to watch you lose for a change. Blair's all you care about. You are obsessed with her.
Spencer: It's all about spite with you, isn't it, Dave?
David: If my life's going to be ruined, your life's going to be ruined, too.


Spencer: I can help you get out of here -- I'm probably the only person in the world who can. I could talk to your lawyer.
David: Don't use very big words.
Spencer: Okay. Guard? Have I ever let you down before, David? Trust me, I'll take care of you.
David: Not if I take care of you first.


David: Blair? Listen to me. Spencer is sick. He is psychotic. He makes Margaret look sane.


Blair: Spencer would never hurt me, David.
David: He'd pull the wings off of Tinkerbell.
Blair: That's a good one.


Spencer: Hello, Davey.
David: Why can't you just call me David?


[David finds Dorian, Blair and Spencer all apparently dining together]
David: What a happy little gathering. Are we celebrating something? You know, Blair, when you got engaged to Todd -- again -- I thought to myself "that's the biggest mistake she's ever made." Apparently, I was mistaken.


David: So, Blair, the fact that Todd is innocent doesn't matter to you, does it? On top of that, you have persuaded Dorian to share a table with my brother, whom she hates. So what's up with that?
Spencer: David, we all understand how much stress you must be under. I am very happy to see you fighting the charges, by the way, but that doesn't give you the right to come in here and insult my -- Blair.
David: I insulted her? I merely pointed out that she's sitting here with you, instead of her unjustly accused, got-the-needle-in-the-arm father of her children. Was that an insult?


[David is shocked that Spencer is the one who set bail for him]
David: Would you put up that much money to get me out of jail?
Spencer: Well, you are my brother, David, and, you know, I've already been witness to one innocent man almost being put to death for something he didn't do. And look, I know you didn't kill that man.
David: Well, thank you for your vote of confidence, Spencer. So you just happened to have million dollars lying around to spend on me?
Spencer: Yeah. I mean, I moved some things around. Sold off some property. It was no big deal.
David: (to Blair and Dorian) Could either of you ladies produce a tissue? I'm about to start crying.


Spencer: I just couldn't stand the idea of seeing my own flesh and blood rotting away in a jail cell, that's all.
David: Keep your emotions in check, Spencer. You're borderline sincere.


Spencer: David, listen. Who's got your back on this? Who are you going to trust here? I'm your brother. I'm the one in your corner.
David: I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about me. As difficult as it is for me to say this, I got to grow up. I shot a man. I killed a good father who had two sons. I lied, I ran, and I am guilty. That's precisely how I plan to plead.


David: Where's Blair? Did she finally wise up and go home?
Spencer: She's asleep. Don't worry, we can talk freely. She won't be waking up.
David: Why, did you kill her?


Spencer: I am going to kill you if you don't change your mind about pleading guilty.
David: Spencer, the magnitude of your threats is diluted by the sheer volume that I receive. You should try a little good old-fashioned diplomacy.


Spencer: They don't have enough evidence to convict. So why don't you just have a little faith, and you will be a free man.
David: That's probably what Todd Manning was thinking, too.


Spencer: David, look, I realize our relationship has suffered over the years because of this whole thing. I mean, look at the magnitude of the secret we had to keep between us. How it could it not? We were bound to feel the -- the strain of it all.
David: The strain of it all? That's a bit of an understatement, wouldn't you say?


Spencer: I'm truly hurt, David.
David: You're also ugly. Next complaint?


David: (to Todd) A grudge match between you and Spencer? Why do I see all of Llanview burning? I'll tell you one thing -- when this whole thing's over, only one of you will be left standing.


Dorian: I understand there are dire consequences for running out on bail.
David: Yeah. Yeah. There's a bright side. Spencer's out a million bucks.
Dorian: Ooh. Good thinking.


[David is upset when Spencer comes to visit him in jail]
David: Can't a guy get any peace around here? Whatever happened to prisoners' rights, huh? I should have a say in who gets to come to visit me.


Spencer: I'm your brother, David. I know you better than you know yourself.
David: Then what's the big surprise? You know I never listen.


Spencer: Would you just shut up for a second, David. Let me think, damn it.
David: Well, don't hurt yourself.


Spencer: I won't let you throw your life away, David.
David: Well, it's my life. I'll trash it if I want.
Spencer: You're just being stubborn, man.
David: I'm all growed up, Spencer. I don't need your protection anymore.


David: I used to dream about that alley, Spencer. I'd see the dead cop lying there on the ground. I'd turn to run away. But instead of the alley, there was a brick wall. I would scratch and I would claw at that wall until my fingers bled.
Spencer: It's just a dream, David.
David: Spencer, it was my entire life.


Spencer: So is there anything I can do for you?
David: Absolutely. Get me a few cartons of cigarettes. Better than cash around here.


David: (to Spencer) John McBain paid me a visit earlier. He told me that he found the gun that I dropped in the alley that night. It was full of blanks. I was shooting blanks just like Kevin Buchanan.


David: You were there. You were in the alley when John's father was shot.
Spencer: Hey, David, do you want to -- you want to keep it down just a little bit here?
David: This is all starting to make sense in that sick, twisted, Spencer kind of way. You sent me on a pickup, and you gave me a gun loaded with blanks.
Spencer: You're in a county jail, David. Do you want to shut the hell up?


David: You just don't get it. Spencer -- he's not just smart. He is cool and he's clever. Confronting him will get you nowhere.
John: It'd be fun to rip him apart, though.
David: Tell me about it.


David: Guess who got a get-out-of-jail-free card, Spencer. You know what this means, don't you?


Spencer: I'm just happy that the judicial system has seen fit to drop the charges against my little brother. I applaud them, in fact.
David: My hands are nearly raw from applauding. Look at that.


Spencer: Oh, oh, what a beautiful night. I love it down here.
David: The fog is three feet thick, you moron.
Spencer: I know, I know. There's just something so comforting about it. It's almost as if you're kind of invisible, you know, like you could do just about anything you wanted to and no one would even be able to see you.
David: Spencer, you may be shallow, but you're not invisible.


David: You lied to me, you blackmailed me, and you let me believe that I was a murderer for 25 years. Well, now, my dear brother, it is payback time.
Spencer: What are you going to do, David? Shoot me and throw me in the Llantano river?
David: I don't shoot people -- not with real bullets anyway. That's more your speed, isn't it?


Spencer: You're my brother, David. I could never hurt you. I love you.
David: Well, you got a sick way of showing it.


Spencer: Dangerous spot, David. You know, a guy could get murdered down here, they wouldn't find the body for days.
David: Cut the dramatics, Spencer. This isn't Calcutta.


David: You know, John's a very good cop, Spencer. He's like a dog with a bone right now, you being the bone.
Spencer: Listen, I don't have time to play "Top That Metaphor"...


David: John tracked down Lenny. He connected him with those forged papers in Margaret's case and he figured out that Lenny's got a brand-new heart thanks to you and your magic powers.
Spencer: What else does McBain know?
David: Well, he threw me in a room with Lenny, tried to get me to soften him up so that when he goes in for the kill -- Or the grill, as it were...


Spencer: Did Lenny make me for the forgery or not?
David: No, he didn't. Apparently, Lenny would rather go to jail than rat you out. How's that for loyalty?


Spencer: What do you mean, I've lost Blair? What are you talking about?
David: Todd's back.
Spencer: So what? She's over him.
David: That's never going to happen. Oh, Spencer, it was inevitable. Don't you know? Blair hates a liar. With the exception of Todd. And Dorian lies a lot. Kelly's not exactly honest, either. Never mind.


Spencer: So Lenny didn't make me, even though McBain offered him a deal.
David: Lenny is as loyal as a Labrador. But not quite as smart, unfortunately.


Spencer: (about Lenny) Why don't they just leave him alone? He's just a sick old man. Why don't the cops just leave him alone?
David: Oh, wow, Spencer. Your emotional outburst about your former forger is really touching.


David: I don't know you well enough to hate you, Spencer. There was a time when I did. There was a time when I thought the sun rose and set by you. I wanted to be just like you. There was a time when you were more of a father to me than dad ever was. You had everything I wanted. You had respect, you had a career, you had a woman who loved you, and somewhere, you went wrong. It all went wrong, Spencer, and I, like the lemming that I was, went wrong right alongside you, and my life has been a disaster ever since.
Spencer: Don't you dare put that off on me.
David: Why not? Why can't I put that off on you? You created some mechanism so that I was under your grasp at all times. You have held that against me ever since. Well, not anymore. My marker with you is now null and void. I don't owe you spit. Oh, a word of advice -- even though I didn't do it, when I confessed to murdering John's father, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace. You ought to try it sometime.
Spencer: Peace?
David: Confessing. Peace is just a side effect. Do the right thing.


David: (to John) Wouldn't it be a lot easier on you if Spencer came in here and spilled his guts, and saved so you don't have to go to trial where you might lose? In fact, he'll probably win by offering to install a brand-new liver on every jury member.


[Spencer is surprised to see David at the hospital gala]
Spencer: David, how are you doing? What a pleasant surprise.
David: Well, you didn't think we'd miss your big night, did you, Spencer?
Spencer: I didn't think you could afford the tickets.


David: It's over, Spencer. You got sloppy. And pretty soon, Blair is going to drop you like a -- starts with a B.
Spencer: Bunch of bricks?
David: The other one.
Paige: Bad habit.
David: Right.


Spencer: I have nothing to fear from John Mc Bain. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rescue my fiancée and start living happily ever after.
Paige: Oh, yeah, your life is going to be a real fairy tale.
David: From the Brothers Grimm.


Spencer: Do you want something from me?
David: I'd like brotherly love.


Spencer: Can't help you. I want to collect my fiancée and get the hell out of here.
David: Yeah, yeah. About that -- the collecting fiancée, I mean -- what was that whole public display about? Because from where I was standing, it looked more like a guy who was trying to say "Eat your heart out, Todd Manning," as opposed to a man telling his fiancée that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
Spencer: You don't know anything about love, David.
David: It also seemed to me that a man who knows the answer to his proposal would take his intended to a nice little out-of-the-way restaurant, pop the question in a nice little booth in the back.
Spencer: I'm not afraid to express my emotions in public.
David: You gave her no choice -- say yes or suffer public humiliation. Wise up, Spencer. This is a big, fat fiasco waiting to happen.
Spencer: Yeah? Unlike you, little brother, I plan to make it all the way through my wedding.


Spencer: You're the con man that cried wolf, David. No one's ever going to believe a damn thing you have to say about anything ever again.
David: Well, then I guess I'd better not say anything else.


David: Good morning, good morning.
Spencer: Whoa. What are you doing?
David: Well, as you can see, I commandeered your breakfast. I signed for it, and I gave the waiter an outrageously large tip -- somewhere in the neighborhood of 15%.


Spencer: What are you doing here?
David: What do you think I'm doing here?
Spencer: You didn't have anybody to play with? I don't know.
David: No, Spencer, I don't. I don't have anyone to share anything with, since you blackmailed me into leaving Dorian at the altar.
Spencer: Oh, here it comes. That's what this is about, what you told me last night about me never marrying Blair? I get it, I see.
David: And I thought you never listened to me.
Spencer: That's very childish of you, Dave. You know that?
David: Waiting with bated breath to see my evil brother's demise? What's childish about that? It's all falling apart, you know. John McBain is going to come at you from angles you can't even imagine. So at the risk of sounding annoying, tick-tock, Doc.


David: Time's up, Spencer. You are going down, and I'm going to have a front-row seat to the main event. Hey, maybe they'll shoot you on your perp walk. That'd be a real showstopper.
Spencer: Hey, maybe you should just put all your fantasies on one big long continuous reel. That way, you could just watch it over and over and over.
David: Spencer, continuous reel -- this is the digital age.


David: Come on, Spencer, I just told you that McBain spent the entire night interrogating me. Don't you want to know what he asked? Or I guess the better question would be, what didn't he ask?
Spencer: (opening up the door) In case you've forgotten what the universal gesture is for "get the hell out of my crib" is, this is it.


David: (to Spencer) So that technicolor proposal you gave Blair last night -- that's all going to be for naught, isn't it? Because as soon as she finds out that you convinced her that Todd was a murderer, she will never forgive you. And then once that's out in the open, it's just a matter of time until Todd and Blair go running into each other's arms, just like they always do.


Spencer: Let's face it, David -- you didn't have the talents. You weren't given the looks, the brains. As a matter of fact, you were a pretty crappy con man if I recall, as well. I have always been extremely lucky and rather gifted, I must say.
David: You're right. I always wanted to be just like my big brother, who turned out to be a sociopath.


Spencer: I've tried to be compassionate and supportive --
David: You ruined my life! You took any potential I may have had and you tossed it in the drain for letting me believe for 25 years, Spencer, that I killed a cop! Is that how you take care of people? Because to a sane man, it sounds like you were just trying to save your own ass.


Spencer: You've just crossed the line.
David: No, you have lost. Todd's back. It's just a matter of time until Blair welcomes him home with open -- you know.


David: (to Spencer) You're the most hateful person I've ever known. You know, I used to be intimidated by you. Hell, I used to -- I used to worship you. But not anymore. I don't care what happens to you. You're no longer my brother. Oh, and if I should turn up dead, trust me -- the first person they'll look at is you.


[Regarding Spencer's upcoming arrest....]
Paige: Aren't -- aren't you happy?
David: Uh -- I don't know if that's the word for me, but I bet I know one guy who's doing the happy dance over this news.


Paige: Wow. Spencer was willing to let Todd die, just so he could have a straight shot to Blair.
David: How many guys do you know would instigate a double murder and an execution just to keep two people apart?


[Regarding Spencer's arrest]
Bo: Been waiting for this for a long time.
Paige: We all have.
David: I feel weird. No, I feel satisfied. No, I feel weird.
Natalie: That's because, no matter what, Spencer's still your brother.
David: Well, he sure never acted like one.


[Spencer has been arrested]
Spencer: I don't suppose you'd like to offer a little brotherly support here, Dave.
David: Spencer, I don't like "I told you so's" because they're usually aimed at me, but this one's classic and it's pointed at you.


Spencer: You just really can't handle the fact that Blair's going to be my wife, can you, Todd?
Todd: I wouldn't schedule any conjugal visits if I were you, Truman.
David: "Conjugal?"


[David comes to visit Spencer in his jail cell]
David: Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. I'm going to give you some advice from a guy who used to be where you are now. (he gestures toward Spencer's bed) Sleep with your head at that end, or the guys in the drunk tank will pull your hair.
Spencer: Charges are never going to stick, David, so just go ahead, man. Take your cheap shots while you can.
David: Good, because I got a few zingers that I've been working on in the mirror. And I don't have to be anywhere for the rest of my life. But first -- say "cheese." (he takes a picture of Spencer with his camera phone) Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to have to email this to Dorian, because in her words, it's to die for.


[David returns to visit Spencer in jail]
David: Huh. That is the darndest thing. You look overweight and anemic at the same time.
Spencer: Get out, David. Just get out!
David: Are you sure you don't want my company? I could show you how to make a shiv out of cold butter and green beans. You know, when someone used to come to visit me here, I would welcome them with open arms whether they were carrying pastries or pitchforks.


Spencer: You know, David, the only entertaining I'm going to be doing is in my very own home with everyone begging my forgiveness because they doubted me in the first place.
David: You are still buying your own press, aren't you?


Spencer: I am an innocent man, a victim of police harassment, false arrest, and I am going to launch one hell of a lawsuit against the Llanview police department. So you can expect some changes around here, buddy boy, starting with John Mc Bain and Bo Buchanan.
David: Spencer, Bo and John aren't just sitting on their hands right now hoping for the best. They're like pit bulls with a shih tzu carcass.


Spencer: What happened to you anyway, David? I mean, you know, you -- you used to look up to me so.
David: Which is why I started wearing lifts in high school.


Spencer: I looked out for you, David. Didn't I?
David: You made me think that I killed a cop when you did it yourself. Yeah, that's watching out for my back, isn't it?


Spencer: You had your chance to team up with me against the Buchanans, David. Remember? And you turned me down. You turned me down flat, so what's going on, little brother? Sudden change of heart?
David: Oh, I didn't come to bargain. I just came to gloat.


David: Well, well, well. It looks like you're all out of friends, lovers, allies, and lackeys.
Spencer: Their loss. I still have a brother, don't I?
David: Yeah, you do still have a brother. I guess there's nothing I can do about that, but you are on your own. Got to fend for yourself now.


David: I didn't think you had it in you -- nailing Spencer like that?
Paige: It was 20-plus years of hostility speaking. But I'm surprised you haven't done the same thing. It felt damn good to let go.
David: Brothers don't have that option.


Paige: You need to seriously rethink your relationship with Spencer. He has used you your entire life and he's going to keep using you as long as you let him.
David: Old habits die -- well, sometimes, they don't die at all, do they?


[John attacks Spencer and Evangeline steps in to try to stop him]
David: I don't know. What do you say we let McBain save Llanview some money?
Spencer: Thanks, little brother. I appreciate that.


David: Spencer, if you plead guilty with an explanation, maybe they'll give you a couple of days off your life sentence.


[At Spencer's bail hearing]
David: Judge, may I speak?
Judge: Quietly and to the point.
David: I am the defendant's brother and if you -- excuse me, Todd. My friend lieutenant McBain and Mr. Manning are right. If you allow my brother, Spencer, out on bail, you will never see him again. And the people of Llanview will live in fear for the rest of their lives. And that, your honor, includes me. I have nothing further. (pause) Oh, I was thinking --
Judge: All right, all right, all right, all right. I've heard enough.


Spencer: You really let me down today, little brother, you know that? I'm very disappointed.
David: You let me down every moment of every day of my life.


David: Spencer, if you're going to live your life to the fullest -- and I think that's great -- shouldn't you have your fiancée by your side? The woman of your dreams, the woman you've been waiting your whole life for, and where is Blair?
Spencer: Blair? She's dead to me now.
Spencer: Blair is not with Todd because she doesn't love him. And she's not with me because she's been lead astray.
David: Wait -- why is Blair dead to you? Because if she was "lead astray," as you so put it, it makes sense that she would drop you like a hot brick.


David: Bo, when it comes to being arrogantly cool and unflappable, Spencer, my brother here -- he wrote the pamphlet.
Spencer: Is that a compliment, David?
David: He also seems to think that there are rules that he can live by that don't apply to other people, so when you're dealing with him, be sure you keep that ubermensch complex in mind.


David: I know you like French cuffs, but I prefer your handcuffs.
Spencer: And you know just how they fit, don't you, David?


David: You know what? There is something you ought to keep in mind. You're going to have to update your resume now. You can keep "kidnapper" and "murderer" and "generally no good," but you're going to have to add "inmate" to that list now.


Spencer: Those charges will be dropped, and the Llanview police department will be under investigation for gross misconduct and false arrest. I know that much.
David: What did they do, Spencer? Feed you an overdose of smug while you were in lockup?


Spencer: Actually, I do have a problem with being prosecuted by my son.
David: Whoa. What? Hugh Hughes is your son? Oh, Spencer, you finally find out you have a son, and it turns out to be the district attorney. What are the chances?


Spencer: You knew I had a son, David.
David: Oh, yeah. Everybody knew but you.
Spencer: Thanks for the heads-up, Dave.
David: You know, I think I like it on this side of the secret-keeping fence.


David: You know, imagine my surprise, Spencer. No sooner do you find out that you have a son than you parlay it into your own favor.


David: You set me up for a murder that you committed.
Spencer: Allegedly.
David: I guess I really shouldn't be surprised, though, should I? But then again, why did you hold on to the murder weapon all those years? Sentimentality? The only thing that Dad ever gave you was the gun, so you held on to it? You saved it like a -- a flower pressed between two pages? Oh, Spencer, my brother, the murdering yet sentimental sap.


Lawyer: (about Spencer) In no way has my client violated any of the bail agreements.
David: He was at the bus station restocking the aspirin.


David: Looks like you're starting to fray around the edges there, Spencer.
Spencer: Don't touch me.


David: (to Spencer) It looks like you're going to be spending some time in the yard wearing overalls and hanging out with a couple of tattooed fellas named bubba and snake.


Bo: Spencer Truman, consider yourself officially charged.
David: Don't look so concerned, Spencer. You're going to make a lot of new friends in the pen. And take a lot of cigarettes. They like cigarettes in the pen.


Bo: I do appreciate you sharing your theory with me, Vickers. I know that you're not a big fan of my family.
David: I may not love your family, but I hate what's left of mine.


David: Reading the law, huh? You want me to tell you how that book ends?
Spencer: What, spoil the ending?
David: The bad guy's found guilty, gets fried.


Spencer: You're enjoying this, aren't you, David?
David: Well, I'm enjoying it a lot more than being behind bars for a crime you committed.


Spencer: Here's the thing, this is the irony of this whole situation. You and I are no different because you did pull the trigger. You did intend to kill Thomas McBain.
David: Yes. I murdered in my heart. Thank goodness I had you to put blanks in the gun.


David: What do you want, Spencer?
Spencer: My entire case, the state's case, rests -- it hinges upon your testimony.
David: Yeah, I thought so.


Spencer: You put me in that alleyway with that gun in my hand, David, you're an orphan, you get it?
David: I did want a brother, Spencer. I wanted a brother to teach me how to play poker, how to talk to girls, how to be disarmingly charming and witty -- well, I guess I didn't need you for that one, did I? But my brother put a gun in my hand and sent me down an alley. I don't need a brother like that, but you know what? I really do love that you appealed to my emotional side, to my sentimental side, asking for my help. But you know what I love more? Saying "No." Sorry, Spencer. You're on your own.