"Let Slip the Dogs of War" -- David/Spencer 2005

[David is waiting for Spencer in Spencer's hotel room]
David: You've got to show up sometime, Spencer. And when you do, I'll be waiting, hiding, and ready to let slip the dogs of war.


[Spencer comes back to his room and is amused to find David there]
Spencer: How many years has it been now?
David: Not enough.


[David drank the bottle of wine in Spencer's room]
Spencer: Well, I hope you enjoyed the Bordeaux.
David: It was a bit pretentious, but I considered the source.
Spencer: Well, I'd ask you to pay for it, but I know how you are about that sort of thing.


David: I thought we had an agreement, Spencer -- you stay in your part of the world, I stay in mine.
Spencer: Well, is it my fault that Llanview hospital is in desperate need of a brilliant surgeon? Now, how am I supposed to turn down a humanitarian request like that, huh?
David: Say no. It's easy, just like inflating your own ego.


David: Spencer, just tell me why the hell you're here.
Spencer: I'm saving lives. I'm a doctor, remember?
David: You are a lot of things, none of them any good.


[David sits down at the table in the restaurant where Spencer is having dinner]
Spencer: You know, there's a reason the table's only set for one.
David: Good. Gives me more room to show you something.
Spencer: What could you possibly have, David, that I would find even remotely interesting?
[David puts a briefcase on the table]
Spencer: Wow, that is impressive. You own a briefcase.
[David opens the suitcase to reveal that it's full of money]
Spencer: I'm surprised, David. I mean, that really is impressive.
David: That's right -- $100,000, enough to get you to skip town.
Spencer: I'm still talking about the briefcase.


[Kelly wants David and Spencer to tell her how they know each other]
David: The end of this story is even less interesting than the buildup.
Spencer: Besides, it's ancient history, and ultimately extremely unimportant.
David: Certainly not as important as how you met Kelly. Did you give her a tracheotomy, too?
Kelly: No. B.E. is financing one of Spencer's medical programs.
David: Oh. How noble.


Spencer: I like to think of myself as a skilled negotiator.
David: I like to run around the house in a white cape and sunglasses and think of myself as Evel Kenevel.


[David visits Spencer at the hospital]
David: What a dump. It's a little declasse for you, isn't it?
Spencer: Well, I found the espresso machine. You know, I can live without just about anything else.
David: Including a soul.


David: When are you leaving?
Spencer: When my work is finished.
David: Work or "work"?


David: (to Paige) Spencer has always got an agenda, sometimes up to six.


David: What is that sound? Oh, it's Spencer sucking the life out of the room.


[Spencer and David ordering at a bar]
Spencer: Scotch, neat, please?
David: Make mine a double. Put it on his tab. His credit's good.


David: So tell me, why the interest in the way Kelly was kissing Kevin?
Spencer: She's a very beautiful woman.
David: You mess with her, you'll find out why your little brother was in that Moroccan prison.


[Spencer thinks David is just like their dad]
David: Just like Dad? Me? I may have been like Dad a long time ago, but not anymore because now I know what it's like to be a friend. And hopefully, I know what it's like to be a good husband. You know, Spencer, I wake up in the morning now and I know what it's like to be needed, I know what it's like to be part of a family. A family -- a word that's probably not even in your vocabulary.


[David tries to steer Spencer away from talking to Dorian]
David: Dr. Truman, I've -- I've been meaning to run across one of you doctor folk this evening. I have an awful boil that I've got, and I -- (turning to Dorian) It's even bigger than the last one. (turning back to Spencer) I need to have it lanced. Would you mind if I spoke to you just for a brief moment, a brief moment, about lancing?


Spencer: You obviously haven't told your fiancée about me.
David: I was going to.
Spencer: Really? When?
David: At your funeral.


[Dorian says that it seems like Spencer is quite the catch]
David: Oh, he's a catch, all right -- like a poisonous puffer fish.


David: (to Dorian about Spencer) I am so tired of people shoving me aside so they can line up to worship him.


Spencer: Uh-oh. Looks like my baby brother's circling the wagons. Isn't that right, Dave?
David: Don't you have a lobotomy to perform somewhere?


David: You know, just hearing the name Truman makes me feel like somebody walked over my grave. (showing Spencer is arm) Look at this. I got goose bumps.
Spencer: Come on, Dave. I'm sure there's still a small part of you somewhere that misses being part of The Truman Show.
David: Oh, you mean The Spencer Truman show? All Spencer, all the time? No, thank you.


Spencer: Well, you can change your name as many times as you want. You'll always be David Truman.
David: I outgrew the name Truman a long time ago. Just like you outgrew that embarrassing polyester leisure suit you thought was rocking in the 1970s.


David: You are going to receive an invitation to my wedding. Throw it out.
Spencer: What, and miss the big day. Davey, not a chance. I'm your best man, remember?
David: Don't even think about it.
Spencer: Oh, I'll be standing up for you, Davey, just like I always have.


[David is annoyed to see Spencer at the Palace restaurant]
David: Spencer, do you know about all of the other wonderful restaurants in Llanview? Or San Francisco? Maybe Gatar?


[Spencer talks about a wedding he attended for the son of the ambassador to Thailand]
Spencer: I was seated at the surgeon general's table. He called me after the tsunami to help with the relief effort. It was my job to coordinate the various volunteers with certain hospitals in the region and so forth. I was very honored that he called.
David: Is there anything that you haven't done, seen, tasted, or rescued?


[Spencer and David fight, but Spencer takes David down with some karate moves]
David: Where'd you learn all this Hong Kong Phooey crap?
Spencer: France.


David: (to Spencer) You see, you're the one who seems to like to do the role-playing. You like to play this good Dr. Truman. You ride in, you rescue all the needy little people, but I know the truth. You don't care about any of your patients. You treat them like notches, like tally marks on a stethoscope.


David: You have to give love in order to receive love. It's a cliché, it sounds silly, but it's true. And until you do, your life is just one big, empty nothing. Does that sound familiar?
Spencer: Actually, it sounds like something one might find on a greeting card in a car wash. How very pathetic of you to hold it up as a virtue.
David: Spencer, if there's someone pathetic around here, it's you. For the first time in my life, I have something that you want. So naturally, you want to take that away, but you can't. You're still the most popular kid on the playground, but you're not the happiest, are you, and you never will be. You know, I feel a lot better now, so I'm going to go home, because I have a home full of people who love me -- all of them women. Can you say the same?


[Kelly and Blair are at Dorian's for a day of swimming -- Spencer is there, too, much to David's chagrin]
David: (to Spencer) So you've got a bikini by the pool, and now you've got a bikini in the pool house. Where are you going to go for first?


[Dorian wants David to reach out to Spencer]
David: If I reach out to Spencer, he'll bite my arm off. He's like a hyena, and not one of those funny ones in that lion cartoon.


Spencer: (answering the phone) Hello?
David: Hello, it's David. I'm sure you're busy reanimating the dead, but I got to talk to you.


David: (to Spencer) Well, that was fast. I didn't expect you so soon. Hope I didn't interrupt the world's first brain transplant.


Spencer: Smart move, asking me to be your best man. I know you don't trust me, Dave, but, believe me, I've got your back on this one.
David: You've got my back? Spencer, I'm not asking you to save Private Ryan here. I'm just asking you to stand next to me while I say my vows and try not to drop the ring.


David: What kind of secret?
Spencer: Well, if I told you that, then it wouldn't be a secret, would it?
David: The last time I remember you using that phrase, you broke my Aquaman decoder ring.


Spencer: Oh, Davey, how serendipitous. You know, I was just thinking how honored I was that my little brother stood up finally and in person to ask me to be his best man at his wedding.
David: Yeah, well, I was asked under duress, okay? It wasn't because I've got any special place in my heart for you.


[Dorian is worried that David and Spencer will be late for their tux fitting]
David: Don't worry, Dr. Dork-a-lot has plenty of custom suits and tuxedos in his closet. The fact that he's condescending to a Rent-A-Tux? That should tell you what he thinks about this.


Spencer: David, listen, I got to reschedule the tux fitting. Something's come up.
David: Aw, darn it. I was really looking forward to comparing inseams with you.


[Paige is wondering why Spencer has come to Llanview]
David: Well, I've been spending the last several weeks and about a dozen bottles of vodka trying to figure out the very same thing.


[Spencer sees Paige and David at the bar together]
Spencer: Drinking partners all of a sudden? I didn't know you two were so close.
David: Strength in numbers.


David: You're still here?
Spencer: And I have to put up with this attitude, why, exactly?
David: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Paige is the one who roasted you, not me.
Spencer: Hmm. The prerogative of an ex-wife, yes, but then again, you should know all about that. How many have you had now?
David: Legally or otherwise? You know what? Don't even answer that question. You know why? Because I'm getting married for the last time to Dorian, who adores me and puts me on a pedestal, by the way -- unlike you, who got dissed by not only one, but two women in the same evening.


David: (to Dorian) Please don't get me wrong. I love Spencer like a brother. No, I don't, I hate him, and that's because I know him.


David: (to Dorian at the hospital) Spencer is probably around here somewhere, trying out some double-secret D.N.A. atomic experiment. We better get out of here before the whole place blows.


[Spencer shows up at David and Dorian's]
Spencer: Good morning, Dave.
David: Spencer. We love it when you stop by unannounced.


Spencer: You know, it's a good thing I don't take your criticisms personally.
David: Oh, sociopaths never take things personally.


Spencer: You know, it is comforting to know that when you and Dorian do tie the knot, I'm not going to be losing a brother but gaining an ally.
David: Hmm. Well, maybe we'll just have to postpone the wedding -- again.


David: (to Spencer) Spin doctoring -- do they offer that degree at medical school?


[Kelly asks Spencer if he's the type to hold a grudge]
Spencer: No, no. Just ask David.
David: (turning to leave the room) I'm busy or late for something.


David: Spencer, don't you have a lobotomy to perform on yourself?


Spencer: Hello, Blair. It's nice to see you out tonight.
David: Oh, especially since Todd isn't around, right?


Spencer: You ought to really redirect some of that suspicious nature of yours towards this Margaret person and away from me, okay?
David: Hold on a second. You're every bit as dangerous as that half-price fruit stand.


Spencer: (to Blair) So you're worried that Todd might try to hurt Margaret?
David: He's a lunatic! He might even be a match for you.


Spencer: When you were a kid, I mean, you could play a shell game better than guys who'd been hustling for 20 years. I mean, Dad and I would watch in amazement. Really, 10 years old, you could charm the money right out of a grown man's pocket. (laughing)
David: I was good, wasn't I? Hey, remember that time in Dallas at the car wash? Wait a second. You're changing the subject.
Spencer: Just reminiscing.
David: Yeah, I lived through it. It was mostly bad times.


[David is annoyed when Spencer shows up to have dinner with him and Dorian]
David: Spencer -- what a treat. (to Dorian) Would it do me any good to ask what he is doing here?


[Dorian is insisting on Spencer's help with the wedding]
David: (to Spencer) Saving mankind isn't enough anymore. You've become a wedding planner.


[David shows his hastily hand-drawn diagram to Spencer]
Spencer: You want to tell me what in the hell this is?
David: If that were at all legible, you'd see that it's a diagram of all the people you're stalking in Llanview.
Spencer: "Stalking"? I see. That's very fascinating, David. The artwork needs a little help, but please do continue.
David: This triangulation of arrows shows where you cornered me and Paige, which makes sense, since we were the only people you knew in town. But the arrow with the curlicue shows where you weaseled your way into Kelly's life, deciding to play doctor to her.


[David is still going over the diagram with Spencer]
David: Notice the thick arrow. It indicates where you fell in love with Blair and you didn't know what to do with it. Whatever plan you're hatching, it didn't involve falling in love with someone. That's where your plan went wrong, isn't it?
Spencer: You're really starting to bore me, Dave.
David: Blair's the wild card, isn't she, Spencer? She's the wrench you throw proverbially into the -- really big tractor.


[David is in the office working on an article for "Craze"]
David: "As Chinese culture continues to permeate western civilization, we keep hearing the phrase 'fung shu--' 'feng sh--'" how in the hell do you spell "feng shui"?
[David opens up a dictionary, not realizing that Spencer is standing behind him]
David: (muttering to himself, flipping pages) Got to know how to spell it to find out how to spell it. (looking on a random page) Hey, look, there's Gerald Ford.
Spencer: F-e-n-g s-h-u-i.
David: Thanks. Is that one word or -- (noticing Spencer) Do I have to call security or throw you out myself?


Spencer: (about Starr) I hope she'll be okay.
David: Wow. That was a really good imitation of someone who cares.


David: Spencer, I see through you. I'm onto the con. And what really ticks me off is you treat me -- you treat me like I'm just another mark. It makes me feel, well, less than fraternal.


[Spencer, irritated with David telling him to stay away from Blair, calls David a "self-righteous little prig"]
David: No, you're not just going to sit around and wait for Blair to come to you. You're going after her. I want to know two things. Number one, what is your plan? And number two, what exactly is a prig?


Spencer: Plan, Davey? I don't have a plan. There isn't any plan. There's no plan.
David: Save that for somebody who doesn't know that "plan" is your middle name.


Spencer: Blair understands that my attraction to her was only temporary and that now I'm just proud to be able to call her my friend.
David: Oh, Spencer. Maybe you're past your prime if you're resorting to the "friend" angle with a woman.


David: So you're going to circle like a vulture and feast on what's left of Todd Manning's life?
Spencer: You know, this carrion imagery that you're projecting here, it's all very interesting, but it's a little graphic, don't you think?
David: Enjoy your slim pickin's. I got work to do.


David: (to Dorian) So aside from a closet full of $3,000 suits, did you find anything else of interest in Spencer's room?


[David snoops through some of Spencer's secret files]
David: "Buchanan Enterprises"? Spencer, Spencer, what -- first you make me steal B.E. intel from Kelly, and now this. What are you up to? I don't know what your interest is in the Buchanan's, Spencer, but someone I care deeply about is bound to get hurt -- me.


[Paige says that Spencer is out of control]
David: Paige, Spencer is a lot of things, but control is a commodity that he's not in lack of.


David: (to Dorian) Nothing has changed. Spencer is still the person I would most like to see hit by a speeding locomotive.


Spencer: What's with the beard?
David: I thought it might intimidate Asa. What do you think?


Dorian: David, Spencer, what are you two doing here together?
David: Ask the short one.


David: Dorian, that was sarcasm, kind of like -- (turning to address Spencer) "Spencer, I'm so glad you moved to Llanview. You are the best big brother a guy could have." Kind of like that.


[Asa has invited David and Spencer to the Buchanan lodge for David's bachlor party]
David: (to Spencer) We better head over to the lodge. He's probably going to want me to shoot a deer or a raccoon or something.


[At the Buchanan lodge]
Spencer: (to Asa) We came in peace, you know, we came to play cards.
David: Yeah, we were bearing gifts. I brought six beers. I'd like five of those right now.


[Kevin doesn't think David should be the dealer for Asa and Spencer's poker game]
David: What, do you think I'm going to cheat? For who, my brother? Whom I love -- like a distant, unlikable cousin.


Dorian: (about Spencer) Honey, what comes over you whenever he's in the room?
David: I try to get out of there as quickly as possible.


David: (about the wedding rings) I just picked these up from the jewelers. You leave them in the box. You don't touch them, all right? They're the best man's responsibility now.
Spencer: Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. Tonight is the big night, isn't it?
David: You forgot?
Spencer: Well --
David: Damn it. Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? I had to remind you.


Spencer: I am not going to screw up your wedding, Dave. Man, have you got a bad case of prenuptial jitters. Look, I will be the perfect best man.
David: Just show up with the rings, all right? You can even ride up on Home-Under-the-Range -- or whatever the hell the name of that dead horse is you stole from Asa.


[The day of David and Dorian's wedding]
David: I've got that last meal kind of feeling. My no-good best man's about to show up. I'm afraid that's what he's going to be up to -- no good.


[Spencer arrives at David and Dorian's wedding]
David: Gee, I was about to start crying because I thought you stood me up.


[After Spencer forces David to leave Dorian at the altar, he explains what he would have done had David refused]
Spencer: It would've been my civic duty to confess that my brother shot a man, yes.
David: And people think I'm the bottom of the barrel.


Spencer: Do you remember when we were kids, Dave? We used to play pinball in the arcade, and you had to push the buttons with just the right amount of pressure and move the levers that push the little steel ball up into the bumpers, and it ricocheted around and rack up a bunch of points and then dump off into the pocket?
David: Your metaphor is as loquacious as it appears to be pointless.


[Kelly asks Spencer if he knows why David left Dorian at the altar]
Spencer: Actually, yes, I do.
David: Take it, Spencer. This ought to be interesting.


Spencer: (to Kelly) Well, you know, Davey -- he's just always had such a real self-destructive kind of a nature, you know, about himself. He's just never really allowed himself to feel any real happiness and --
David: Cue the violins.


[David is hanging around the hotel, where the catered wedding reception was supposed to be held]
Spencer: So are you having a hard time leaving the scene of the crime or are you just hungry?
David: Bite me, Spencer.


David: I've told Dorian everything.
Spencer: Oh, really? Well, that's very interesting, since you couldn't possibly know everything.
David: I know how you like to sound pithy and enigmatic, but the bottom line is I told Dorian that I killed someone, and that's everything whether you like it or not.
Spencer: Really? How did she take it?
David: Yeah, that's what I want to do, Spencer. I want to start sharing with you. I want to start telling you everything, especially about the worst moment of my life. Me trusting you so much and all.


Spencer: It is mildly interesting, see, how a woman like Dorian, not normally known for her moral fiber, would react to the news that her apparently spineless paramour actually took a human life.
David: You shouldn't sneer at people who are better than you.


[Blair urges David to go talk to Spencer]
David: I can't talk to him because he's not human.


David: (to Spencer) When you ruined my relationship with Dorian, you ruined all chances I had for happiness, but I guess you know that because you're the ruiner of chances for happiness.


Spencer: So did you come to inquire about a nice, cozy bed here at the hospital? I could arrange that, you know -- have your legs broken, get you right into the orthopedic ward. Oh, my gosh, Dave. I swear you've lost every speck of your delicate sense of humor. What's going on?
David: I'll laugh when you say something funny.


Spencer: I have got you over a barrel, Dave, and it's a really big barrel filled with, say, hydrochloric acid?
David: This isn't about acid or barrels or any other kind of hydrochloric threat you might throw my way.


Spencer: You know, unfortunately, I am bound by the doctor-patient confidentiality clause which prohibits me --
David: Oh, come on, dude! You just cut the confidentiality crap. You've got the ethics of a pit viper.


Spencer: Good morning, Dave.
David: (suffering from a hangover) You don't have to yell.


Spencer: You know, I thought that you'd had a chance to sleep on my offer and that you'd reconsidered.
David: What offer?
Spencer: Coming over to my side.
David: The dark side, huh, Darth?


Spencer: We were not raised to differentiate between good and bad and right and wrong and all the just winners and losers, right? History has all written by the winners. Winners are always the good guys. The bad guys are always the losers. And I may be a lot of things, Davey, but I am definitely not a loser.
David: I am flattered that you would spend so much time rehearsing that existential speech just for my ears, but even if I understood it, I probably wouldn't agree with you, Spencer.
Spencer: How very broad-minded of you.
David: Look, can we just -- just drop the philosophy and get down to it? I'm spending way too much energy trying to figure out what's next on your warped plan to take over Llanview.


David: I just don't see how you do it, Spencer.
Spencer: What?
David: Carry around that enormous head on a daily basis. Do you force the interns to prop it up when nobody else is looking?


Spencer: I am so happy to see that you have retained a certain amount of your razor-sharp wit, Davey, I really am.
David: Well, that's all you left me with.


David: (to Specer) You know, it's one thing to be insufferably arrogant. It's entirely another to enjoy it so much.


David: Spencer? Does it ever even cross your mind that I'm your brother?
Spencer: Oh, no, you're not going to throw a tantrum, are you? Please, no tantrums, none.
David: I'm -- I'm serious. Does the fact that we have the same parents or grew up in the same house or shared the same rotten childhood ever even enter your brain when you're carving me up? I know we can't choose our family, and you're certainly not obligated to like me, but do you have any good thoughts or pleasant memories about anything that happened between us? You're my big brother. You were supposed to look out for me. Instinct is supposed to tell you to protect me, protect me from people like you. You failed me as a brother a long time ago, but you know what's worse? You are still failing yourself as a man. Now, can you look me in the eye and tell me what it feels like to be the sole cause of your little brother's pain?
[Spencer doesn't answer David]
David: You got nothing to say? Well, Dr. Truman has sure picked an ironic time to become speechless.


David: The Buchanan's are cockroaches. They've infested this town. And arrogant! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an arrogant cockroach. I am sick of the way they act like they own this town. It makes me want to do something really --
Spencer: You know, you remember what Dad used to say -- "Don't get mad, get even?"
David: Now, why do you do that? I'm on fire with my bug analogy and you interrupt me with a cliché.


David: What's so funny, Spencer, huh? It couldn't possibly be the fact that my own magazine just hit the stands with a cover story that I've never even laid my eyes on. Because a story like that would lead to a gruesome and painful death for me at the hands of my publisher, Blair Cramer. And that wouldn't be funny at all, would it?
Spencer: You mean you didn't write this?
David: Cut the crap. It's got your fingerprints all over it. Why do you keep using me to do your dirty work? Are you trying to get me killed?


Spencer: "Every member of Todd Manning's family has felt the consequences of his crimes, including his children. As a result of a rape charge his own wife leveled against him, Manning's daughter, Starr, ran away from home and was subsequently kidnapped, leading law enforcement officials on a cross-country chase." Never a dull moment with Manning. You know, the beautiful thing about this is the writer didn't even have to embellish.
David: Hmm. You know, you left out a few things about Blair -- about how she likes to punch holes in men who wrong her, pushes their girlfriends out windows. So again, I ask you, do you want me to die?


Spencer: There's no danger of anything happening to you because of what your writer here wrote.
David: Oh, really? You know, I went to fire the guy, only to find out that he'd taken early retirement -- overnight in Belize.


Spencer: Well, at least you still have me.
David: I'd rather be back in solitary in Morocco.


[Renee asks David if he and Spencer will spend Christmas together]
David: Not if I have any say about it.


David: (to Renee about Spencer) He's his most polite right before he slits your throat.


David: You know, I would've thought my illustrious brother would have plans on New Year's Eve.
Spencer: Oh, I do have plans, Davey.
David: Listen to you, practically licking your chops.


David: (to Spencer) What's that stuff on your knuckle? I'm no C.S.I., but tactically I'd guess that's 10w-30 high-viscosity motor oil. What's it doing on the manicured hand of a surgeon?


[As part of his master plan against the Buchanans, Spencer wants David to call Kelly to have her meet him on New Year's Eve]
David: I hate the Buchanans. I hate you. What tips the scales in your favor?
Spencer: Do you remember Cairo, Dave? Circa 1990?
David: What do I have to do?
[David ends up calling Kelly for Spencer. Afterward...]
Spencer: Well done, little brother.
David: Spencer, this makes us even on Cairo. That thing with the donkey and the rug merchant was just a misdemeanor.


Spencer: I'm glad I finally won you over, Dave.
David: You've hardly won me over. You get your kicks by ruining other people's lives. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for bringing down the Buchanans. But I think the less I know about your plan, the better.


David: So you've ruined Asa's New Year's Eve party. Big deal. That's kid's play.
Spencer: You remember playing chess when we were little, Davey?
David: I remember you played chess, Spencer. I just moved the pieces around the board so you'd have somebody to beat.


David: Listen, Spencer, I don't know what started this whole Truman/Buchanan battle, but since I'd like to see someone else in a little bit of pain, break a leg. Yours, theirs -- doesn't matter to me.