"What's So Funny?" -- David/Roxy 2003-2006

[David, dressed up in a tuxedo for his wedding to Dorian, enters Roxy's hair salon]
Roxy: (appreciative) Call a butcher. There's a slab of beefcake on the loose.
David: How you doing, Roxy? You like?
Roxy: Oh, yeah, Roxy likes. And likes and likes and likes --
David: Uh-huh.
Roxy: And likes.
David: Where's River? Is he here?
Roxy: Yeah, River's here. He's in the back. He's restocking the hair sprays. I'll go get him. But you stay right here, or mommy's going to have to spank you.


David: (to River) You may not understand, but Dorian and I -- she's my match, she's my centrum, and she's my equal. In fact, if I were a woman, I would probably be Dorian.
Roxy: Oh, that's just about the sweetest thing that I've ever heard.
David: Yeah? Well, it's true.


[David worries because Dorian is not at the church yet]
Roxy: Hey, David, don't worry about it, because what kind of idiot would stand up a tall, dark glass of love like you?
David: Dorian would.


[Andrew is growing impatient as Dorian is late for her and David's wedding]
Andrew: I gave up a really important engagement to be here, so if there isn't going to be a wedding, I'd appreciate knowing that.
Roxy: Oh, there's going to be a wedding, even if I have to marry this hunk myself. Mmm.


[Roxy has decided to be the photographer for David and Dorian's wedding]
David: Roxy, what are you doing?
Roxy: What does it look like I'm doing?
David: Well, could you please stop doing it?
Roxy: Hey, you got the wedding-day chiggers, huh? You know, you're going to thank me in the morning because your photographer's a no-show, the guests are a no-show -- not to mention the B-R-I-D-E.


[Lindsay and Roxy begin to argue as David watches]
David: You know, I should probably step in here and prevent you two from fighting, but I'm starting to imagine you doing it together, so round two.


[David goes to Roxy and Nigel's hotel to try to get a room after being kicked out of Dorian's]
Roxy: Well, looky, looky. What brings you to this neck of the woods? A little afternoon "uh-huh, uh-huh"?
David: Unfortunately, not this time, Roxy. I just need a room.
Roxy: Oh. I think that's a no-go. We're filled to the rafters. You better try the Palace.
David: I've already tried the Palace, and the Majestic, even the Llanview Arms. Believe me, this was the last place -- on my list. (seeing a stuffed animal nearby) This is a stuffed rat, isn't it? Oh, my -- maybe this is God's way of saying I got to go home.


[Roxy spots David trying to swipe a key for a room at the hotel]
Roxy: What are you doing under there?
David: I dropped a contact lens. (staring at the key in surprise) What is this key doing in my hand?
Roxy: You're trying to score a free room, aren't you?
David: Are you kidding? In this place? I live in a mansion.
Roxy: Oh, I heard -- La Chateau de Boulcrappay.
David: (pretending to find the contact lens) Oh, look, there it is. I'm out of here.


Roxy: I heard you and Dorian are "Splitsville."
David: Now, where did you hear that?
Roxy: All over the society pages.
David: (surprised) You read?


Roxy: Oh, baby, you know, self-flaggelizing isn't going to help anybody.
David: Yeah, that's easy for you to say.


Roxy: Why is marriage like a bank account?
David: I don't know.
Roxy: Because you put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
David: That's it? That's all you got?


David: Haven't you ever had to do something that you didn't want to do?
Roxy: You mean like pay taxes?
David: No -- actually, that's a pretty good analogy.


Roxy: Look, I'm not a real big believer in honesty. That didn't come out right. No, because I think honesty is a good thing. It's a very good thing. But I can really get behind lying. You know, because sometimes being honest makes everyone feel like crap.
David: Roxy, what is your point?


David: Well, well, well. Drinking alone on Valentine's Day.
Roxy: I'm not alone. It's like watching a movie.
David: A horror movie, maybe. Love stinks.


David: If you want a real drink, just go to The Palace.
Roxy: Nah, and sit around and watch those couples on a date? Unless they're serving free antidepressant martinis.
David: Yeah, make mine a double.


David: I thought you were with Nigel. Didn't he give you the hotel?
Roxy: Nigel's married to Asa.
David: I thought that was illegal in the progressive state of Pennsylvania.
Roxy: Yeah.
David: Well, I guess if you've got enough oil fields --
Roxy: Mmm!
David: What?
Roxy: No, it's not about the money at all. No, it's true love. It's like a dog, what he feels for his master. Oh, such a sickening thought.
David: You're a lot hotter than Asa.


[David and Roxy see that Michael is about to propose to Marcie]
David: On Valentine's Day. How cliché.
Roxy: Oh, shut up, it's romantic.
David: Oh. Sure, it's romantic -- today. But what happens when he looks back on this and he remembers that she threw him out on his ear? That she give away his cashmere sweater to someone else instead of him on Christmas Day? And then she makes this big production out of blowing into some multi-millionaire's ear just to make him jealous? Well, you know what he's going to do? He's going to look back on this day and he's going to wish that he could do it all over again. And on Valentine's Day. And every subsequent Valentine's Day, it's all going to come rushing back to him, all the pain, the agony, and the torture, in direct proportion to the number of doilies and pink hearts and chocolate-covered crickets -- whatever people hand out to each other today. And he's going to remember one thing -- "I was given a heart. Now, why does that guarantee that it's going to be broken?"
Roxy: Right on, brother. It grows back like a lizard.
David: I'm exhausted. What are you talking about?
Roxy: You know when you cut the tail off of a lizard? It grows back. And a heart kind of does that, too, you know?
David: How many of those little chocolate bottles did you eat?


David: I'm over Dorian, you know.
Roxy: Oh, yeah, sure. And I'm Elizabeth Taylor.


[David wants to stop Michael from proposing to Marcie]
David: I can't let him do this.
Roxy: Hmm! Stop that. They're ga-ga over each other. They have been ever since they knew it.
David: Yeah, well, Dorian and I were ga-ga over each other, too -- all the way to the altar.


Roxy: (about Michael and Marcie) You know, personally speaking, I think they got a real shot.
David: You just wait till they start planning the wedding.
Roxy: Hey, you're harshing my mood, so if you don't behave yourself, you go mooch somewhere else.
David: Okay, okay, then I'll behave. I'd rather drink free beer than get sanctimonious.


[Still watching Michael about to propose to Marcie]
Roxy: Come on, Mikey. Come on. It's now or never.
David: This calls for the good stuff. (he breaks out a container of truffles)
Roxy: Ooh, you've been holding out on me.
David: Easy. Easy. Open the box slowly. These are truffles. They're from Paris.
Roxy: Ooh-la-la.
David: They are to be savored, one at a time. You'll do as I say. Are you ready?
Roxy: Mm-hmm.
David: Remove a truffle.
Roxy: Mm-hmm.
David: No. You'll do as I say, you got it?
Roxy: Uh-huh.
David: Look at it.
Roxy: I am.
David: Really touch it. Smell it. Now, put it in your mouth. Tell me what happens.
Roxy: (eating the truffle) Mmm.
David: Mm-hmm.
Roxy: Mmm.
David: Mm-hmm.
Roxy: Oh, man, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh!
Michael: Get a room, will you?


Roxy: (to Michael) Okay, here's the solution. You give her one of these -- (gesturing with the truffles)
Michael: Mm-hmm?
Roxy: You let her roll it around in her mouth, and then you talk fast.
David: No, you don't. (to Michael) Get your own truffles. If it backfires on you, I don't want you to blame me.


David: (to Michael) I've done this a million times -- the proposal part. I haven't followed through so much, but the proposal I got down. You look her in the eye, try to be spontaneous, surprise her -- stun her if you can -- and then you sweep her off her feet. Kiss her so hard on the mouth, she can't say no.
Roxy: Excuse me, who's going to say no to a hunk of doctor like this?
David: Uh, the doctor part will work.


Michael: Are you two all right?
David: Define "all right."
Michael: Well, you're here. Are you here -- together?
Roxy: "Together" together?
Michael: Yeah. I mean, are you two an item?
Roxy: You think that the two of --
David: What's so funny? Why is that funny?
Roxy: Oh, that's got to be illegal somewhere in this country.


[At the bar]
David: Roxy --
Roxy: Yeah, honey.
David: Two shots. Nothing girlie.