"Jedi Mind Tricks" -- David & Viki (2009)



[David is now a Buddhist]
David: (to Viki) I'm walking the thin path towards nirvana for the first time in my life. Although, I did misstep once during a layover in Sri Lanka when I met a Scandinavian circus contortionist. But other than that, I've truly found peace, Viki.


Viki: Why are you here asking me for advice?
David: Second opinion? I value yours only after the Dalai Lama's and my Zen master or any of the 210,000 other monks worldwide.
Viki: I think I am honored.


Viki: David, I think if you married Dorian under these circumstances, you would be the biggest idiot that ever walked on this earth.
David: I am an idiot? That isn't advice. That's a mean spirited comment.


Viki: You converted to Buddhism, David, not stupidity.


Viki: You are my friend, David Vickeroshi. That does not come with strings. I love you and I will support you no matter what you decide.
David: If nothing else, I've got good friend karma. Thank you, Viki.
Viki: Anytime. Namaste, David.
[Viki bows her head at him]
David: Bend from the waist. It shows respect.
Viki: Go home, David.


[Viki talks to David after he's kicked the Buchanans out of Asa's house]
Viki: So everything you put that family through -- throwing them out of their house -- you had no grounds, no legal right.
David: Legalities -- not my strong point.


David: I'm a Buchanan now. I have no sense of humor. Seriously, have you ever met one of them? Very dull.
Viki: Trust me, David -- they are anything but dull. Perhaps they just don't laugh at things that are completely inappropriate.
David: Look, don't get me wrong. It's not that I have something against them per se. It's just -- I'm allergic to horses, and as much as I love money, finances make my eyes cross.


Viki: When was the last time that you were truly joyous?
David: Acting on that TV show.
Viki: "Supermodel Crime Club"?
David: Gosh, that was a good show. I was good, wasn't I?
Viki: You were a lot of fun to watch.
David: You know how sometimes famous people say they want to give something back? I feel like that's what I was doing with my acting. I think I was actually helping people. But it's canceled, so what do I do now?


David: I'm very vulnerable today.
Viki: Why? What happened?
David: Dorian. We're through. Kaput. It's the whole reason I'm here in town.
Viki: Oh, David. Gee, I'm sorry.
David: Well you're not going to win any acting awards.


David: I know, you hate Dorian with the intensity of a thousand suns, and you want me all to yourself.
Viki: David, I --
David: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love Charlie, I get it. What do you say you sneak me in while he's taking a shower. You'd be following your own bliss, and I promise, I won't tell another living soul, so help me A-list fame.


Viki: You gave up following Buddha to follow celebrity. Whatever happened to exploring the spiritual side?
David: Where was Buddha when I was being dumped?


David: (to Viki) I have to get back to L.A. to shoot the new Have-a-Seat commercial. They say this one's a before and after. I don't know what that means, but it pays double.


David: (to Viki) Bottoms up. Get it? I said, "Bottoms up," and I do hemorrhoid commercials.


Viki: David --
David: Don't worry. No one's going to know how much you want me unless you tell them.


[David gets an idea for a new reality show]
David: Oh, wait a second! That's it! Dorian is not the only rich lady in this town with a cast of colorful characters, a big house with a fancy name. Llanfair, here we come.


[David pitches his new reality show to Ford]
David: Viki would do anything for me, and now that she's married, she'll be a real housewife of Llantano County. Plus with that family...we can still call it The Real Lords of Llanview!


David: (to Ford) Between Viki and her daughter Jessica, we have at least 9 characters, plus the alcoholic boyfriend.


[David wants Markko to secretly tape Viki at Llanfair]
Markko: I'm not taping Mrs. Banks and her family. That's messed up.
David: Oh, young man, that's inexperience talking. We'll get her to sign after the fact, just like they do when they make those fancy documentaries. Plus, when Viki sees how good she looks on tape, she'll be all for it.


David: Viki, please be honest. Did you miss me like a plant misses the sun?
Viki: Actually, I finally saw your commercial.
David: Oh. So you do watch television?


Viki: I think you must have helped a lot of people with your -- your wit and your charm. A product like that can be a very tough sell.
David: You know, I shadowed a proctologist to make my performance more...authentic.


Viki: Okay, so tell me, what projects have you got in the works?
David: Oh, I read scripts from time to time, but I find the dialogue can be so constraining. I like to think of myself more as an auteur. A provocateur. One of those European words.


[Jessica just smashed Ford over the head with a flowerpot]
Viki: (to Ford) Are you quite sure you're all right?
David: Oh, don't worry, Viki. We probably won't sue you.


[David sets up the filming for his reality show, starring Viki]
David: This is the magic. We have to get it on camera. Priscilla, audio, over here, foot of the couch. Ford, camera. Living room, downstage center. Viki--
Viki: Hmm?
David: You're in my light. All right. Okay. Uh -- try to keep up with me. I'm very good at this.


David: Viki, you were just telling me about marrying Charlie.
[Viki remains silent]
David: Okay, let's cut for a second. Um -- Viki, that was -- we call that your cue, okay? Now, you're going to start talking about the double wedding. Skip all the boring stuff. Just go straight to the stuff about who got drunk, who was sleeping with who --that sort of thing. We got to sell this puppy, okay? And if you listen to me, you just might get nominated for an Emmy.


[Viki refuses to be a part of David's reality show]
David: Viki, you're making a huge mistake. We're talking about television here, not the classic movie channel. Real television!


[David explains his desire to film a reality show]
Viki: And you came to me?
David: Who else would I go to?
Viki: Dorian.
David: Old habits die hard.


Ford: So a mother and a daughter with multiple personalities? If we can get one of those -- what did you call them? Alters? If we can get one of those on tape, then we'd be set.
Viki: I think it is time for all of you to leave.
David: Why, what's wrong? Your alters are more interesting than you.
Viki: I beg your pardon?


Viki: Have you completely forgotten what Jessie's just been through, and Natalie and Jared have been through?
David: Ooh, no, of course not.
Ford: The long lost twin from the wrong side of the tracks, and the guy that pretends to be her uncle.
Viki: And besides, Charlie and I just got married.
Ford: Yeah, the recovering alcoholic who builds an exact replica of the diner where they first laid eyes on each other.
David: Okay, you can probably stop now.


Viki: David, I've spent more than enough of my life in the public eye. I do not need cameras in my home.
David: You're not even going to see the cameras -- except maybe in the confessional room. We should probably have a confessional room, right?


David: (to Viki) I guess we have to find another mansion and a few other zany characters to flesh out our show. But if you don't mind, would you just throw me out one more time on camera? We could probably use it for "b" roll.


David: Viki -- she's just not herself.
Ford: Wait, so that was one of her alters?
David: Could be. She wasn't very nice. That might have been Jean.


[Viki is running for mayor]
David: Viki, my money is on you, Victoria Lord Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks.


Dorian: Mayor Lowell is not gonna pull any punches just because you're a woman.
Viki: Swing away, Mr. Mayor.
David: Yeah. Well, don't swing too hard. You don't want to dislodge one of her alters who will go all nuclear on you.
Viki: David, that's not helping.
David: Sorry.


David: Congratulations, Viki! You wiped the floor with that guy. I guess it also helped that we found out that he was a major drug trafficking criminal.


Viki: I could use a man like you on my staff.
David: "Staff"? I wasn't thinking job so much as paid celebrity endorsement.


[Viki has offered David a job on her mayoral campaign team]
David: Charlie? You'd be okay with this, knowing how Viki feels about me?
Charlie: To have someone with your, um, television expertise, I think it would be worth the risk.
David: You're right. I'm a tremendously valuable asset.


Dorian: David! How can you possibly consider working for her? You don't even know what her politics are.
David: I don't care about politics, Dorian. What I do care about: Perks.
Viki: I would offer you free room and board.
David: You had me at "free."


[David has decided to take a job with Dorian instead of Viki]
David: Viki... I'm sorry. I wish there were some other way.
Viki: It's all right, David. You don't have to explain.
David: You're my very best friend in the entire world. I hope you know that -- my very best friend.
Dorian: (in exasperation) She knows, she knows.


[David explains his plan to bring down Viki so Dorian wins the election]
David: Look, it's very simple. We distract Charlie. We send him out on a wild-goose chase one evening. And then we send in yours truly. Meanwhile, you stash a photographer in the bushes while I go to work.
Dorian: You go to work?
David: Yeah, on Viki. Tantric style. Make her wait for it. Or do you think she'd appreciate more of a traditional approach?
Dorian: Your plan is to have sex with Viki?
David: Well, yeah. I mean, we both know she's attracted to me.


Dorian: How dare you! You have sex with Viki on my dime?
David: If it helps get you elected, yes! Oh, if you pay me to do it, that would make you my pimp, and that would be bad for legal reasons. I'm starting to see your point. You're already tarnished by hanging out with that drug dealing mayor. You probably don't want to mess with racketeering right now.
Dorian: I'm this close to firing you.
David: Note to self -- don't sleep with Viki.


Dorian: (about Viki) Come up with other ways to decimate her at the polls.
David: I've got one. This one takes a little more effort, though. 24-hour surveillance on Viki. We catch her doing something embarrassing. Not me, of course, something else.


Dorian: You are Viki's best friend, or at least you're always telling me that. You go to that over-starched, dismal kitchen of hers, find out what she's got that I haven't got, and then steal it.
David: Oh, Dorian, you're not interested in Charlie Banks, are you? The man wears khakis, for God's sake.


Dorian: Visibility is a powerful thing.
David: So is having a reputation for successfully coming on to women. Except Viki. Did I tell you how hard I tried?


[Viki is suspicious of Dorian's motives for getting engaged to Amelia]
Viki: Did you have anything to do with this stunt?
David: No. It was all Dorian's...
Viki: Uh-huh.
David: Unbridled passion for that woman. You know, Viki, there's a saying that goes, "love conquers all." When people aren't getting along, they just need to remember that they love each other, and that's why we have love.


Langston: Dorian, I get that you want to win, but is this really the way?
David: (to Dorian) She's got a point. Viki's got another dead body on her hands. We may not need this lesbian wedding to clinch.


Dorian: Amelia, I can assure you, I do not intend to lose to Viki Banks.
David: That's right. There's a first time for everything.


[Viki drops by La Boulaie and David answers -- he's wearing only a towel]
David: What's cooking, good looking? Oh, I know what you're thinking -- it's Halloween. I must look pretty stupid in such a non-festive towel.


David: Dealing with a double murder in your family right before election night, your qi must be bound up tight.
Viki: Oh, David, please. I'm not really in the mood for naked tai chi.
David: Viki, if this isn't the time for sexual healing, I don't know when is.


Viki: Look, I need to see Dorian. Is she here?
David: Since when did Dorian become such a chick magnet?


[Dorian is preparing to marry Amelia]
Viki: What did you think was going to happen? Dorian made an announcement that she was gonna marry this woman on the 6:00 news.
David: I thought I'd get to watch them suck face a couple of times in public, and they'd have an inevitable breakup for personal reasons.
Viki: You're hurting, David. I know it.
David: Yeah, tell me about it. Talk about disappointment -- I thought I'd get to see some hot action.


David: (to Viki) Stop using your Jedi mind tricks to see through me.





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