"Get Your Chi Flowing" -- David & Viki (2007)

[David finds Dorian, Viki and Clint looking gloomy at Llanfair]
David: I'm guessing you three aren't having a laughing gas party.


Viki: David, what do you want?
David: Well, whether you have heard or not, I'm no killer. And therefore, my friends at the attorney general's office have set me free. But "free" is not the way things are. Things are expensive, so I find myself at a crossroads with no job and no place to stay.
Dorian: Here we go...
David: Before you say no, please, just hear me out. I'm not asking for much. Say, the carriage house, maybe a car. You'll never even see me except when I'm at the pool. And I remember, if I'm going to wear my slingshot, I have to wear it in the backyard from now on when I lay out.


[David tries to convince Viki to let him stay at Llanfair]
David: It'd be just like old times, Viki. Popcorn, old movies. Lois gets to make me all the food that I like. What do you say?


[Dorian and Clint are outraged that Viki has agreed to let David move in with her]
David: You know, I'd like to get into the middle of this tete-a-tete -- a-tete, but I think I'll take a shower, and maybe put on some of the clothes that I borrowed from the lost-and-found at Renee's hotel.


[Viki is embarrassed to run into a naked David in the hallway at Llanfair]
David: I'm not the sun.
Viki: What?
David: You're not going to go blind if you look directly at me.
Viki: But I may turn into a pillar of salt.


[Viki insists that David dress himself]
Viki: Go get a -- go get a robe.
David: No, are you kidding? In this heat, I'll break into a sweat and need a whole 'nother shower.
Viki: David!
David: Am I making you uncomfortable? That is the last thing I want to do to my favorite landlady.
Viki: Well, then you should know that this particular landlady does "not" run a clothing-optional facility!
David: Oh, you've got a hang-up.
Viki: What?
David: About the naked body.
Viki: Oh, for heaven's sakes, David.
David: The human form is nothing to be ashamed of.
Viki: Is that so?
David: You know what would help?
Viki: If you grew up?
David: Naked tai chi.


David: You've never had your chakras flushed, have you?
Viki: Are you listening to me at all?
David: We could do it together. Would you like to flush your chakras with me?
Viki: No, I would like you to find somewhere else to live.
David: I know what we'll do -- we'll start with the long yang form. Don't worry -- I'll hold your ankles when you do the handstand.


[Viki admits that she invited David to live at Llanfair to bother Dorian and Clint]
David: It's about time you gave Dorian what for.
Viki: Really?
David: Yeah. And believe me, I will help you ruin the woman. We can cook up any kind of corporate espionage, maybe frame her for bigamy. Whatever you want, I'm onboard.


David: Let me stay because -- I could make it worth your while.
Viki: You're going to make it worth my while? What are you offering?
David: Companionship.
Viki: Of what sort?
David: The kind that any vibrant woman would value.


Viki: I'll get you a hotel room.
David: Call Renee. She usually keeps the penthouse at The Palace available for me whenever I'm in town.
Viki: You're on speaking terms with Renee?
David: We will be when you work your magic.
Viki: Oh, right. I'm so good at making people love each other.
David: Kumbaya, baby.


[Dorian is outraged to find Viki and David kissing]
Dorian: I'll tell you what I am not. I am not a lonely, vindictive, jealous, spiteful woman who is making a play for -- for David! My ex, a man who is so totally out of your league.
Viki: Out of my league? Oh, right. What would a classy guy like David fresh out of jail want with me?


David: (to Dorian) This isn't a farce. I've been hot for Viki for years. I just had to work my way up to her -- if you know what I mean.


[Viki and David celebrate that they managed to upset Dorian]
Viki: She was positively apoplectic.
David: You know what would make her apoplecticker?
Viki: Okay, not a word, but go ahead -- tell me.
David: If you and I actually slept together.


Viki: You want us to sleep together? Are you kidding?
David: Oh, come on. Admit it -- you love making Dorian -- what was the word?
Viki: Apoplectic.
David: Right. And that was when she only thought we were going to do it. So if we actually did it, she'd be on life support. What do you say? (he looks around the bedroom) Is there a switch to get the colored lights going?


Viki: So, you want us to sleep together just because of the effect that it will have on Dorian?
David: No, not just for that reason. But it's a pretty powerful aphrodisiac.


David: I saw a brand-new Viki when you invited me to stay here, someone who likes to live on the wild side. Very hot.
Viki: Yes, a house-guest with an electronic ankle bracelet is living on the wild side.
David: Hey, if you were doing this just to be nice, consider this a hostess gift. It's a lot more fun than some stupid centerpiece or a box of fancy soaps.
Viki: Since when have you been concerned with giving back?
David: Since never.


[Viki accuses David of having another motive for wanting to sleep with her]
Viki: You always have an angle.
David: How can you think so little of me?
Viki: Well, I'm sorry. Truly, I'm -- I'm very sorry. I apologize if I have offended you -- and all the other members of the International Gigolo Society.


[Viki thinks that Dorian still cares about David]
Viki: Why else would she have come charging over here?
David: Her buttons are pretty easy to push, huh? And the Viki button's always on speed dial.


Viki: (about Dorian) She gets upset at the thought of you with someone else. Especially me.
David: You're right. You think she'd pay me to stay away from you?
Viki: You could always ask.
David: I couldn't do that. Could I?


[David and Viki talk about when David and Dorian almost got married]
David: But that was then. And this is now. And here I am, and here you are. And you're classy and rich and witty and rich -- and a whole lot lower maintenance than Dorian ever was.
Viki: Just what I always wanted to be -- a four-cylinder car. Low maintenance.


David: (to Viki) I could be good for you. And you'd be good for me, too, you know? I don't have that much experience with people who are genuinely nice.


David: Hey, hey, hey, I'm not conning you. I actually like you.
Viki: Yes, I think you do. And I have a certain fondness for you, too -- now.
David: Oh, no, not that. I was hoping that you'd forgiven that, or at least forgotten it.
Viki: How do I forget that you pretended to be my long-lost brother and tried to swindle me?
David: Yeah, that was a long time ago.


David: (to Viki) Used to be, the first time I met somebody, the first thing I thought of -- how do I con them? Now, it'’s like the second or third thing.


Viki: You may stay here, but you must give up this silly campaign to get me into bed and you must wear clothes. If you choose to run around in a towel, stay in your room.
David: I can do that.
Viki: Okay.
David: Excellent. It's cheaper than the Palace.
Viki: I'll say.
David: And you won't have to go rattling around this house all by yourself.
Viki: I have not been rattling, David.


David: Does the guest room have cable?
Viki: You may watch television in the den if you are dressed.
David: It's no fun to watch television with your clothes on.


David: Hey, look -- Cary Grant week on the movie channel.
Viki: Oh.
David: "People Will Talk."
Viki: I love Cary. But for my money, the actor who plays his best friend totally steals the picture.
David: So you're going to watch it by yourself or are you going to hop up and pop us some popcorn?


[The next morning, David is confused as to why he woke up naked in Viki's bed]
David: I was just wondering, did – we well, you know, do it?
Viki: Are you suggesting that I took advantage of you?
David: You wouldn't be the first. No worries, I'm just trying to account for the lost time.
Viki: No, David, we did not "do it." I told you, I am not going to sleep with you. (she laughs) No, you conked out about 10 minutes into "People Will Talk," and then you proceeded to snore -- so I slept in the guest room.
David: Then how did I end up --
Viki: Naked? Not a clue. You can work that one out for yourself.
David: I have been known to strip down in my sleep -- makes for a quicker transition to tai chi in the morning.
Viki: Okay, as Starr would say, "too much information."
David: Are you kidding? Too much is never enough.


[David invites Viki to join him in tai chi]
David: A little pushing-hands motion -- get your chi flowing.
Viki: I -- I think my chi is fine, thank you.


David: Why don't you take advantage of me?
Viki: David, if I gave you all the reasons, it would be so boring.


[David gives Viki a massage]
Viki: Oh, David, it's unbelievable. Yes! Ah.
David: I could access you a lot better if you were lying naked under a towel.
Viki: Yeah, dream on. Where did you learn to do this?
David: Zanzibar, 1991. My lover Uta reconciled with her husband. She left me penniless without so much as a first-class plane ticket. So, I was on the run from the law, had no money, so I did what any grifter would do -- got a spa services gig at the Four Seasons and, as you can see, was a pretty quick study.


David: Viki Lord Davidson Buchanan and whatever other last names I don't remember -- you are one sexy mother --
Clint: (interrupting) Ahem.


[David and Viki face off against Dorian and Clint]
Clint: (to David and Viki) It is our opinion that the four of us should be able to co-exist in Llanview without coming to blows every time we happen to run into each other.
David: Sounds like another empty promise to me, Viki.


Dorian: All of us here have done something to hurt one of the others. I mean, no one here is innocent.
Viki: Well -- ahem -- I suppose I could've been a little more welcoming to you and Clint.
Clint: And I have had my moments, too.
Dorian: And I could be more -- I could be more gracious in the future.
[Everyone looks at David]
David: ...I could wear more clothes?


[Clint refuses to drink the pink colored Cosmo]
Viki: Everything all right?
David: Tell him, Viki -- pink is the new suede.
Viki: I don't know what that means, David.


[David and Viki are doing tai chi together]
David: Now, we're going to do "the beautiful woman turns at the waist" pose.
Viki: David --
David: Don't give me that -- it's not the lambada. Save that for the cruise ship.


[David has made Viki some tea]
Viki: David, how sweet of you. Oh, wait. Who did you pay off to make this?
David: I have very few legally marketable skills, but I can actually boil water.


David: Your granddaughter's in the kitchen throwing around the rest of my foie gras with Lois.
Viki: How politically correct of her.
David: Yeah, runs in the family.


David: (to Viki) I often wondered what it would be like to be a father. I know you're thinking I'd probably be very good at it, but deep down, I'm actually pretty selfish.


Viki: I got makeup on your shirt.
David: Ah, what's triple-woven Egyptian cotton between friends?


[David has agreed to give Jessica his liver]
David: Well, I was kind of hoping to take my liver out for one last spin, but I guess you'll have to do it for me.
Viki: Oh, David -- you don't have to joke just to prove how brave you're being.
David: I'm not being brave. This is how I act when I'm terrified.


Viki: Thank you once again for this extraordinary gift you're giving Jessica.
David: Well, it's better to give than to receive.
Viki: Oh, David! I think I would take that from just about anybody else but not you.


[Viki comes by David's room and he quickly gets off the phone with someone]
Viki: You didn't have to hang up on my account.
David: What, are you kidding? I would much rather talk with you than with the weather lady.
Viki: Oh, David, you were talking to the weather lady? She's a recording.
David: Oh, it gets very lonely around here, Viki. The weather lady is interesting, but frankly, she's not quite as interesting as the time lady. Actually, the time lady is kind of boring and predictable.


[David has a flashback to his demanding $10 million for the liver that saved Jessica's life]
Viki: How are you feeling?
David: Uh -- other than the occasional twinge, I feel pretty good.


[Viki's brought David a present -- a laptop]
Viki: It's -- it's the same computer that I have the one that you admired in my bedroom.
David: That's not all I admired in your bedroom.
Viki: Oh, David, shut up.


[Viki is outraged to learn from Clint that David demanded money in return for his liver for Jessica]
Viki: We were just talking about how far you had come since the first time we met, when you pretended to be my brother, just to get his inheritance. You know, David, I really cared about you.
David: I -- Viki, I care about you, too. Please, just try to understand this, okay? Asa owed me that money.
Viki: I don't care. I don't care why you did it, I care that you did it. I will always be grateful to you for saving Jessica's life. Always, and I mean that. But we'll never be friends again. That makes me really sad.
[Viki leaves and David turns to Clint]
David: Oh, you are going to regret this.


David: I am truly sorry.
Viki: Oh, I know you are. But for what, David? For extorting money from Clint, or -- much more likely -- the fact that I found out about it, right?
David: Both.


[David explains why he returned the money to Clint]
David: (to Viki) You know, I don't usually care what other people think about me, but somehow with you, it's different. You make me want to be a better man. I'm pretty sure I stole that line from a movie, but it's true.


Viki: You're a child, David, you behave like a child. When children do something wrong and get caught, they're very, very sorry. But that's who you are, so I expect -- we can't expect you to be any different. Yeah, I forgive you.
David: Maybe I could work on entering adolescence.


David: So what do you think? You forgive me? I've learned my lesson.
Viki: Oh? Which is what?
David: Don't do anything to change the way that you're looking at me right now?
Viki: Yeah, that's a start.


Viki: You know as well as I do David always lands on his feet.
Dorian: And on his back, more than a few times.
Viki: Yeah, well, you'd know a lot more about that than I would.


[David explains to Alex why he's gotten a job as a cabana boy]
David: I made a big mistake with Viki. It's a long story. Interesting plot twists, but ultimately not worth retelling.


[Alex wants to know why David gave back Clint's $10 million]
David: Because of the look on Viki Davidson's face. She made me feel like a jerk.
Alex: Since when did you care what other people think about you?
David: Since Viki.


[David is shocked to find Viki working as a waitress at a cafe in Paris, Texas]
Viki: David. Where did -- where did -- how did you get in here?
David: Well, the door was wide open. I just -- oh, my -- are you wearing clogs?
Viki: Oh, okay. Look, um, I'm sure you're wondering, so I -- I -- I can explain all of this.
David: That's not necessary. I know exactly what's going on here.
Viki: No, you couldn't possibly --
David: Don't you try to spin this. The jig is up, Niki!


Viki: David, I'm not --
David: Oh, save it, Niki. I'd know you anywhere -- the trailer-trash getup. All that's missing is a wad of chewing gum, which you probably swallowed as soon as I walked in here.


Viki: I am not Niki Smith. Do I sound like Niki?
David: Amusing -- Niki acting like Viki acting like Niki.
Viki: Stop this!
David: You are a horrible actress. What are you going to do? You going to try to jump my bones just like you did the last time you came out to play? Huh?


Viki: Listen I am not Niki Smith --
[David grabs Viki]
David: Come on, Viki. I know you're in there somewhere. Look what this floozy has you doing now -- nickel and diming it like a truck stop hooker waitress. Fight it! With all the blue, patrician blood you have in you, fight it, I say!
Viki: Stop it! This is ridiculous.
David: Not on your Yankee pot roast. You're coming with me, you trollop.


[Noelle has knocked David unconscious after seeing him grab Viki]
Noelle: I can't leave you here with this creep. What's he going to do to you when he comes to?
Viki: Noelle, I know this guy, all right? He's about as dangerous as a sponge.
David: (weakly) Sponge --


[David is awake and still thinking that Viki is Niki]
Viki: David, if I were Niki Smith, would I be ministering to your thick skull?
David: Point well taken.


David: Well, if you are Viki, what are you doing here slumming it in some roadside truck stop? Not very Viki-like.
Viki: I could explain it to you, but I don't think you would understand.
David: Try me. And don't lie because I'm smart.


Viki: David, my life here is about reinventing myself.
David: So you're reinventing yourself by handing out the blue-plate special?


Viki: David, if you work a minimum-wage job, you have very few choices in your life -- they're made for you. You don't go to the grocery store and decide what to buy -- you buy what's on sale. You don't choose between going to a movie or watching TV because television is free.
David: So, discovering that television is free gave you what?


David: How would your new circle of minimum-wage earners feel if they found out you were playing the simple life -- without Nicole and Paris by your side? Do you think they'd say "Aw, shucks, that's okay. Let's go bake a pie"? Or would they feel that they've been had by you?
Viki: David, I have not done anyone any harm, okay? What are you going to do, blackmail me?
David: Well, I told you I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, but yes, you should probably take that as a threat.


David: Look, I am serious when I say that I am trying to change. For example, do I need to remind you that I selflessly returned Clint's $10 million?
Viki: "Selflessly"? David, I said I was never going to speak to you again.
David: Behold the power that you have over me. David Vickers got a job.


Viki: How does your marrying Alex Olanov fit into your search for enlightenment?
David: Well, it enlightened me to the fact that I don't like to work. Plus, Alex always seems happier when she's married, so I threw her a bone.
Viki: David, she's a gold digger!
David: That's what I was hoping to do, but it didn't pan out.


[David needs money from Viki]
David: I hate to ask --
Viki: Yeah, like when has that ever stopped you?
David: You know, cash might be easier on both of us, but if necessary, you can write me a personal check.


Viki: You've been in worse situations -- like last summer, and look what you did. You applied yourself, you got a job, you made an honest living.
David: I was happier marrying Alex. Sorry.
Viki: Did you seriously think that was going to work?
David: Well, I figured it was probably a long shot, given her fondness for chrome-dome mobsters and septuagenarians.


Viki: There's a little motel across the street, the Bon Suites. It's not bad.
David: You're suggesting that I stay at that dive?
Viki: You know, David, once you get past the no minibar and no room service, it's quite charming.
David: Do they have a pool where people can watch me lay out?


[Gigi is surprised to find a shirtless David in Viki's motel room]
Viki: David is an old friend.
Gigi: Doesn't look that old to me.
Viki: And before you ask, he slept on the floor.
David: Yeah, I've got the shag marks on my face to prove it.


David: So this Charlie -- he's the guy that you've been hanging around for, huh?
Gigi: He's real nice. They went to the drive-in together.
David: The drive-in? Did you steam up the windows?
Gigi: She claims they didn't.
Viki: Will you stop it, both of you?
David: (to Gigi) You know, she used to blush like that when she talked about me.


Viki: (about Charlie) He said he would call, and he will.
David: Viki, haven't you learned anything? Men lie.


Viki: David? We're going over to the diner, okay?
David: Will you buy me breakfast?
Viki: Will you check out of my room?


[David comes to see Viki at the diner]
Viki: May I help you?
David: Oh -- today's a good day.
Viki: Mm-hmm.
David: I believe it's "Invest a Hundred Thou in David Vickers" day.
Viki: Sorry, not on the menu.
David: Oh, come on, Viki. This is my last clean shirt. If I don't get some money by sundown, I'm going to have to start wearing polyester.


[Viki suggests that David work at the cafe as a busboy]
David: You expect me to touch dishes that other people have used?


Viki: David, a lot of people don't get paid a lot for what they do, but they still have to do it.
David: You know what, Viki? I really appreciate the love affair that you're having with the working class. I do. That's a top-notch uniform. But if you want to have a pedicure, all you have to do is reach into that fat bank account of yours and check into a spa.


Viki: David, I've learned so much about myself living on very little money.
David: Well, that's impressive, but I'd like to be very, very rich as soon as humanly possible, and if I can do that without lifting a finger or breaking a sweat, so much the better.


David: Do I want that pie?
Viki: I don't know. Can you afford to pay for it?
David: You know, I think I'm having a low-blood-sugar thing.


David: (to Viki) I should probably have something to eat. You think you could sneak a poached egg and a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice out from the kitchen under your skirt? Maybe an order of french toast, no -- no crusts. You know, something easy. I don't want to be a bother. Oatmeal. I like oatmeal. Brown sugar and butter.


David: (to baby Sam) Our Viki's a loose cannon with work ethics -- all kinds of ethics. It's a bad combination.


Viki: David, why are you here? Or are you going to continue to try to duck the question?
David: I'm going to continue to try to duck the question.


David: (to Viki) It's one of those "what happens in Paris, Texas, stays in Paris, Texas" things, okay?


David: (about "Sally Ann"/Marcie) She needed to go to the airport -- or the store. I think she needed to go to the store, and you weren't there but I was, so she said, "Will you please watch my baby?"
Viki: What -- what was all that nonsense about rebounding and using each other for sex?
David: Okay, that part I made up, but only because I didn't want you to think I'd grown soft in my old age. I know you prefer me rakish, immoral.


David: (about "Sally Ann"/Marcie) She's friends with Gigi, Gigi's friends with you, I'm friends with you. You know what they say -- the friend of my friend is probably my friend, too.


Viki: Why don't you let me convince Moe to hire you as a busboy, hmm?
David: Thanks, but no thanks. I've seen the apron they wear -- it's not cut right.


Viki: (about baby Sam) What a little angel.
David: He's a baby -- what choice does he have?


[David is getting out of the shower]
Viki: Look, would you -- would you put something on.
David: I got a better idea. What do you say you and I play diner? You can be the sexy waitress and I'll be the customer who orders the "daily special."


David: Yeah, you were sitting up here on my shoulder in wings and a halo, just like you were when I gave the 10 million back to Clint.
Viki: Are you kidding -- you're blaming me.
David: You're damn right I'm blaming you. Mini-Me was on the other shoulder in red and horns making a very convincing argument, but he didn't stand a chance with you over here strumming on your harp.
Viki: So, in other words, you did the right thing?
David: Yeah.
Viki: Okay, so how do you feel?
David: Broke.


David: (about Charlie) He's a lucky guy. I hope he treats you well.
Viki: Thank you.
David: Because if he doesn't, I'm going to kick his butt! Or if he's bigger than me, I'll find someone who can.


Viki: So I guess this is goodbye?
David: Well, until you regain your sanity and hop back on your throne at Llanfair.
Viki: Ah, "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown," David.
David: I like quotes.


[Viki gives David a lotto card, but stops him from scratching it off]
Viki: No, no, don't do it now! Save it, do it later, and when you do, think of me.
David: Uh -- if I win anything, do I have to split it with you?
Viki: Would never enter my mind.