"Bland - The Llanfair Way" -- David & Viki (2003-2006)

David: Look, Viki, I don't blame you for holding a grudge after the way that I deceived you and your family.
Viki: A grudge? No, David, that would imply that you actually enter my thoughts from time to time, and you don't.
David: All right...I guess I deserve that.


[David and Dorian have just arrived at Llanfair for Viki's Christmas party]
David: (handing Viki a gift) Merry Christmas.
Viki: A fruitcake. How fitting. Thank you.
David: No problem. Do I hear the dulcet tones of a punch bowl? This place is so classy.


David: Oh, Viki.
Viki: What?
David: Could you please try to leave a week from this Friday open? Dorian and I are getting married at St. James. We would be thrilled if you could make it.
Dorian: David's in such a big rush.
Viki: Why? Are you pregnant with yet another child? I hope you two will be so happy. (exits)
David: (to Dorian) Did I hurt her feelings? I think she may have always had a thing for me.


[Viki comes to visit David and Dorian in jail]
Viki: Dorian, hello. David.
David: Psst, Viki -- come here. Did you happen to bring a cake with a file in it?
Viki: Yes, I did, but they wouldn't let me bring it in.


David: Dorian had nothing to do with Paul's murder.
Viki: Oh, no, that's right -- you confessed. And yet it's all my fault and you two are innocent bystanders. David, if you had half a brain in your head, you would have realized weeks ago you could have gotten Dorian out of this mess. You could be helping build up her defense. But no, instead, you fabricate a confession?
David: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.


[David and Viki are at Blair's wedding]
David: It'll probably be a little while, so may I have the honor of showing you in?
Viki: Oh, you must be joking.
David: Viki, it's traditional for the fiance of the bride's aunt to escort the half sister of the groom into the ceremony.


[Following his break-up with Dorian, David has moved into Viki's carriage house]
Viki: David, do you need something?
David: Need? I need nothing. I'm self-sufficient. However, if you happen to have a spare martini, straight up, and whatever mansion-dwellers dine on, that would be very nice. And if you could please have Lois drive it down to the carriage house in the golf cart.


Viki: David, what is on your mind?
David: Well, Cook told me earlier that you keeled over, so I brought you some things to speed your recovery. (handing Viki some binoculars) Here we go.
Viki: Binoculars.
David: When you get bored, you can spy on the servants. I've had my eye on Lois and that gardener.
Viki: How thoughtful.
David: Spying can work up quite an appetite, so I brought you some mouthwatering snacks, albeit misshapen.
Viki: David, I'm afraid that is definitely not on my heart-healthy diet. Sorry.
David: Oh, no, the artery-clogging good stuff is for me. I brought you an apple, which may or may not be organic. And last but certainly not least -- (handing Viki a DVD)
Viki: Duck Soup?
David: Nothing like the Marx brothers to cure what ails you.
Viki: Look, David, I really, really appreciate what you're trying to do here --
David: Oh, no, no, no, you stop. You stop right there. Don't you say another word. This is what neighbors do. This is what neighbors are for. I know you'd do the very same thing for me. Now, I assume you have a DVD player here somewhere. You're not still using VHS, are you?


Viki: David, I don't mean to be rude to you, but I was actually just on my way up to bed when you stopped by.
David: No, you weren't, you were reading a book -- the last resort of the completely desperate.


David: Hey, I got an idea. Do you think maybe you could get one of the handmaidens to whip us up some popcorn?
Viki: Handmaidens are off tonight.
David: Hmm. Good thing I'm handy around a microwave. Salt and butter?
Viki: No, neither, David.
David: Bland, right. The Llanfair way.


[David is toying with a plate or bowl-shaped object he found on Viki's mantel]
David: Wonder if this thing is pre- or post-Cost Club.


David: You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that. You're going to give them a heart attack!
Viki: What is with you and heart attacks?
David: I'm sorry. Poor choice of words.


Viki: David -- you know, it's kind of funny, but Dorian actually mentioned to me that I should keep an eye on my valuables when you are around.
David: Singing my praises, was she?


Viki: I think you know that I have not been feeling well recently, right?
David: Yes.
Viki: Okay, I have a virus.
David: (backing away from Viki) Is it contagious?
Viki: And the doctors have prescribed absolute peace and quiet. And that is something you are not capable of granting me.
David: Oh, get it. I'm not dense. I know when I'm not wanted. (pause) This is one of those times, right?


David: (to Viki) I'm not getting back together with Dorian. I'm moving on. As a matter of fact, this is an arena in which you can help me. I would not be opposed to you introducing me to one of the rich, beautiful, not too smart, rich, powerful, and, did I mention, rich women that you might know.


Viki: You are perfectly capable of finding your own rich ladies.
David: Oh, I don't know. I've been with Dorian an awful long time. My suave, debonair hinges might be a little rusty.
Viki: Then I would recommend rust remover.


[Viki is telling David the story of how she met her late husband Ben]
Viki: Initially, we met because of a terrible accident. But then we came together, oddly enough, through a series of personal ads.
David: Personal ads?
Viki: Mm-hmm.
David: You mean like, "D.M. seeks S.F. with M.B.A. for G.T. and P.F."?
Viki: I don't have a clue what that means, so, no, not exactly.


[Viki finds David staring at his reflection in the glass panes of her patio door]
Viki: David? What are you doing?
David: I -- there are -- is a nick in your door.
Viki: Really? What a relief. For a minute I thought maybe there was something wrong with your face.


[David is telling Viki about the blind date he met on the Internet]
David: Listen to this -- she likes champagne and caviar by one of her fireplaces.
Viki: Oh, my God, she sounds like a cliche.
David: Originality is overrated.


[Viki is skeptical about David's enthusiasm regarding the woman he met on the internet]
Viki: Look, I hate to be the devil's advocate, but do you have any idea what she looks like?
David: She has several fireplaces. I may be shallow, but I have never judged a woman by her looks.


David: You know, I got to hand it to you. I don't think I would've gotten back into the game so quickly if it weren't for your wisdom, your maturity--
Viki: Okay, that's enough. I'm not Methuselah.
David: Methuselah was a thousand years old. You're not even half that.


[Viki's party-girl personality Niki Smith shows up at the Palace on New Year's Eve; David, of course, thinks Niki is Viki]
Niki: Come on. Let's dance.
David: Uh -- Viki, this isn't that kind of bar.
Niki: So what?
David: You're not that kind of multimillionaire.


[Dorian shows up at the Palace after hearing that Niki was there, drinking and trying to dance with David]
Dorian: What are you doing here with "Viki" on New Year's Eve?
David: Nothing. I was having a drink by myself. She sidled up next to me. I have animal magnetism, you know.


[David defends "Viki's" behavior at the Palace]
David: Now, I'm no doctor, but spending New Year's Eve with nothing to keep you company but your dead husband's heart -- that's a little grim. So she had a few. She got out of herself for a while.
Dorian: I'll say.
David: You missed the best part, though. You want to see some of Viki's new moves? Watch this.
[David starts trying to dance with Dorian]
Dorian: Stop it.
David: What?
Dorian: Well, that isn't Viki.
David: What are you talking about? (pause) Oh. Oh. Oh.


David: (to Viki) So, do you think your brother really wants to help me, or is this just Diabolical Plan #6902?


David: Viki, how is it that you always make me feel like I just got caught cutting class?
Viki: Did you?


David: Pretty weird about Dorian and Clint, huh? I never figured she was into cowboys.
Viki: Extremely weird.
David: You know what this means, don't you? You and I should give it a go.
[Viki looks at David]
David: Your expression says "no," but your eyes...say "no," too.


David: Can I buy you a free drink?
Viki: Oh. After you.
[Viki leaves]
David: One for me and one for me.


David: You know, it's serendipitous that you stopped by this morning because I thought I might let you offer me a job.
Viki: You're going to let me offer you a job? How generous. Unfortunately, David, I -- I don't really have any openings at the moment.
David: Not even for a tall, witty, strikingly handsome -- even in the morning -- chap like myself?
Viki: No, not even.
David: Hmm.


David: (to Viki) In order to get back on my feet, I need gainful employment -- emphasis on the "gainful."


[Viki is bothered by the fact that David's only wearing boxer shorts]
Viki: Oh, David, for heaven's sake, will you kindly go put some clothing on?
David: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. I must look pretty silly standing here like this.
Viki: Yes.
[David puts on a frilly, flowery apron]


David: Viki, what you see on the outside is directly proportionate to what I got on the inside.


Asa: (to Spencer) I don't know how a piece of manure like you could come from one of my seeds.
David: Unless his seed fell into a cowpie.
Viki: David, wrong time, wrong place.


David: (to Viki about Spencer) Two-to-one says he's a Buchanan.
Viki: Make it four-to-one and you're on.
David: (scandalized) Why, Miss Viki!


Viki: David, thank you. Thank you very, very much for what you said and for what you did. Thank you.
David: Yeah, well, I guess I got a soft spot for you.
Viki: And I for you.


David: (to Viki and Dorian) So, have I missed anything?
Viki: No. Jessica's not here yet.
David: No, I mean between the two of you. Have you been locked in mortal combat in front of the altar? I tell you what, you throw in some mud, I'll make a significant donation to the widows and orphans fund.


[Still at Jessica and Antonio's wedding]
David: What are you doing here, Dorian? Is everyone here aware that you ran over Jessica with your car?
Viki: Okay, that's it. Dorian is here as my guest.
David: She -- am I in Bizzaro Llanview all of a sudden?
Viki: Behave yourselves, both of you. Excuse me.
David: (to Dorian) Viki's guest? What'd you do, drug her decaf?