"Such A Barnacle" -- David & Spencer (2006)

Spencer: Break into the mansion without Asa seeing you. And if he does see you, don't mention anything to him about the photograph because he really has no idea how it got there.
David: Wait a second, you just said that you gave it to him.
Spencer: I did. He was just slightly incapacitated at the time.
David: "Incapacitated?" Why would he lose his head over a photograph?


David: (to/about Spencer) It's ironic that a guy who looks just like Superman can act so much like Lex Luthor.


Spencer: Blair's distraught, you know?
David: Oh, really? Maybe because her life is falling apart. She's such a whiner, isn't she?


Spencer: (about Blair) How did she seem to you the other day on your visit?
David: How do you think? She's learning every evil thing that Todd's ever done -- the lies, the crimes. Look at you smirking. You're such a barnacle, Spencer.


Spencer: There's one more thing I need you to do for me.
David: Is this ever going to end?


Spencer: (putting his fingers close together) David, I'm this close to having everything I came here for.
David: Don't use that gesture when you talk to Blair.


Spencer: You know, David, as much as the Buchanan men despise you, don't you enjoy leading them around by the nose just a little bit?
David: You know, shocking as it may be to a cyborg like yourself, I only enjoy spreading menace and mayhem on my own behalf.


Spencer: It just doesn't suit my interests for you and Dorian to be together at the moment, but things do change. You just have to be ready.
David: So in the meantime, I just hang out at a place like this, drowning my sorrows until the worm turns? You being the worm, of course.


David: My life started going down the tubes the moment Spencer entered this town.
Dorian: Hmm.
David: My brother is a cancer.
Dorian: I would have taken him for a Leo.


David: (to Spencer, about Asa) His ticker has short-circuited. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Huh? So I just thought I'd call. You know, chat, exchange a few pleasantries, and let you know that, as usual, you've gotten what you wanted.


Spencer: I don't really have time for you cat-and-mouse games tonight, Davey.
David: Why is that? Trouble in Blair-a-dise? Huh? You get it?


Spencer: As for the questions about our mother, you're wrong, as usual, yeah.
David: Really? Based on the low level of scotch in the decanter, I'd say I'm right on target.


David: You see, I stirred my primordial soup and I came up with this theory. I worked it backwards, it goes like this -- Margaret died, Todd got blamed for it. They both lost, you won. Now, Todd gets the needle, which gives you a clear shot at the grieving widow. It's pretty brilliant.
Spencer: Well, it sounds like you have all the answers.
David: Except one. How long before someone else figures out that the wrong man went to death row?


David: Spencer, you have a tell. Embarrassingly, it's not even a very subtle one, you brainiac. It's always been to my best interest, because I've stood in good stead all these years.


David: Hell, your ex-wife won the Buchanan sweepstakes.
Spencer: As if that were some kind of great victory.
David: Wealth by association has always worked for me.


David: You know, it's actually good to have something on you for a change.
Spencer: You don't have anything.
David: "I don't have anything." You're sulking. We'll see.


David: (to Paige) Spencer doesn't know how much I know, but he's really rattled like a nun caught skimming from the offering.


David: (to Paige) I do know this -- Spencer wanted Todd out of the way and now Todd is out of the way via a double murder conviction/lethal injection, and then you had something you needed to tell Todd that only you know. You're engaged to the police commissioner, who happens to be a Buchanan, and Spencer hates all things Buchanan. It's a six-degree sort of thing, or seven or however many it took me to make the connection.


Spencer: This change in your disposition, David -- it's really becoming quite annoying.
David: Oh, I can imagine. I know how you hate not knowing damn near everything about damn near everything.


[Paige thinks that Spencer clubbed Margaret to death with a baseball bat]
David: Paige, Spencer's not that literal. You know that. I mean, a needle full of potassium chloride, maybe. But a bloody baseball bat? Come on, he wouldn't want to get something nasty on his suit.


Paige: You said last night you didn't think Spencer murdered anyone.
David: "Lately." I added that part, didn't I?


David: Spencer or Todd? Pick your poison.


["Todd"/Victor wants David to help him bring down Spencer]
"Todd"/Victor: So, let me get this straight. I'm going to get the lethal injection and you won't help me because you're too much of a freaking coward to stand up to your brother.
David: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.


David: (to "Todd"/Victor) We're talking about Spencer here. I know him. Once you think you've got something on him, he usually has an ace stashed up his lab coat.


[David is snooping through Spencer's belongings]
David: How many custom-made Italian shirts does one guy need?


David: Spencer loves to toot his own horn very loudly.


[David talks to a random doctor in an attempt to get dirt on Spencer]
David: (to the doctor) See, here's the deal -- Spencer is about to receive an award. They've asked me to say a few things about his accomplishments. There are so many accomplishments to cover. I'm very proud of my brother, and my parents thought that his chronic bed-wetting as a teen would lead to nothing but embarrassment for our entire family. He sure showed them, didn't he?


[Paige thinks that Spencer killed Margaret's baby]
David: Spencer is capable of a lot of things, but he usually thinks the person on the other end is getting what they deserve. That little baby didn't have time to do anything to him yet.


[David cheerily takes a picture of Margaret and sends it to Spencer over his cell phone.]
David: Good morning, Spencer. At least it is in my neck of the world.
Spencer: And where would that be, Dave?
David: I am on a photo safari. And I just bagged a beauty. Did you get it? Would you like to compliment your brother, the marksman?
Spencer: Oh, I think I could appreciate it a lot more if I knew where you were.
David: All right, all right! Since you insist, I'll put her on.
[David turns to Margaret and hands her the phone]
David: (to Margaret) Someone would like to reach out and touch you.
Margaret: (speaking into the phone) Hello? Who is this?
Spencer: Put David back on the phone, right now.
Margaret: Look, I don't know what this is about, but it's giving me the creeps.
[David takes the phone back and speaks into it]
David: I'll bet you can name that tune in four notes.
Spencer: All right, David, just tell me what you want.
David: Margaret, would you give me a few private roaming minutes with my big brother, Spencer?
Margaret: Oh -- okay. I'll wait for you over there. But this is really weird, and I want some answers. (she leaves)
David: Okey-dokey. Dead woman walking, away. (to Margaret) Not too far.


Spencer: You really think you have the upper hand, don't you, David?
David: Oh, I do have the upper hand. I have the ace in the hole. I have all the cards, all the marbles. And if you want to add one more cliché to the pile, let's talk turkey, Spencer.


David: How's the view from under my thumb, Spencer?


Spencer: All right, just tell me what you want, damn it.
David: Simply this. You make sure that my name is never mentioned in Thomas McBain's murder, and I will never let on that Margaret Cochran is alive and well and speaking Thai like a -- person from Thailand.


David: We'll keep Margaret our dirty little secret. Of course, I'll keep some evidence as an insurance policy. A guy can't be too sure when his brother's a stinking, lying liar.
Spencer: Oh, but you would throw Paige to the wolves just to save yourself, right, David?
David: There's nothing more I can do for Paige. But God helps those who help themselves.
Spencer: I'm not God, David.
David: Yeah, you just play him when it suits you.


Spencer: You have no idea what you've done, David.
David: Sure I do, Mr. Toastmaster General, so I took extra precautions to be safe.
Spencer: Safe? You're never going to be safe another day in your life, you understand me?
David: Oh, shiver. Should I be afraid?


David: (to Margaret) Spencer is the one who has been setting all of us up. We're going to cut him off at the knees -- speaking figuratively.


Spencer: All right, look, man, you know -- I mean, whatever bad blood there is between us, I don't want you dead, okay?
David: Yeah, just Todd Manning, right?


[David explains why he doesn't have a problem letting "Todd"/Victor stay on death row]
David: Todd Manning may not have killed Margaret, but he is far from innocent.
Spencer: Oh, I see. I'm not the only Truman boy who enjoys playing God.
David: The only difference is, I know I'm not God. Although he probably looks like me.


David: You'll have Todd's blood on your hands.
Spencer: And so will you, my brother. Along with Thomas McBain's.
David: Yeah, well, maybe they'll do a two-fer on the injection. Two of us for the price of one.


David: Let me make this very clear -- I never want another thing from you for as long as I live.
Spencer: Really? What about money?
David: Yeah, okay. That sounds good.


[Dorian comes to visit David while he is in jail awaiting trial for the murder of Thomas McBain]
David: You may find this hard to believe, but I was a stupid kid. But I wanted to be just like my old man, even though he was a petty, two-bit con artist. Spencer was his bagman.
Dorian: What is that?
David: A kind of collector. I wanted to show my dad that I could do anything Spencer could, so I offered to go on one Spencer's runs. It was a simple job -- I just had to go in and pick up a gambling debt. Go in, take the money, get out. I asked Spencer for a gun. I wanted to show that I could be a player. Everything after I picked up that gun just felt wrong. But I was 16, I was playing chicken with the world. You don't think about those things then. Anyway, I went in, and it turned out that there was a drug deal going on. A cop busted in. I got scared, I hightailed it out of there. The cop followed me. I heard him over my shoulder, he was shouting for me to freeze. I panicked. I shot. The cop went down. I went to the hospital. I prayed that he would live, but he didn't. He died, I killed him. Spencer covered for me. Spencer got me out of the country, and I didn't even know who this man was till a few weeks ago.
Dorian: This is what Spencer's been holding over you all these years?
David: He's used it to make me do a whole lot of things that I regret, none more so than losing the one piece of true happiness I ever had.


David: You know, Spencer, I thought you and I had a deal. I should've known better. Apparently, I was just a pawn in the Blair Cramer bidding war.


David: I want you to make this murder charge against me disappear.
Spencer: It won't be easy. John McBain has an eyewitness.
David: Well, why don't you take that eyewitness, Spencer, erase his memory, and ship him off to Thailand? Oh, wait -- you tried that once and it didn't work, did it?


David: Blair? Listen to me. Spencer is sick. He is psychotic. He makes Margaret look sane.


Blair: Spencer would never hurt me, David.
David: He'd pull the wings off of Tinkerbell.


Spencer: Hello, Davey.
David: Why can't you just call me David?


[David finds Blair and Spencer dining together]
David: You know, Blair, when you got engaged to Todd -- again -- I thought to myself "that's the biggest mistake she's ever made." Apparently, I was mistaken.


David: So, Blair, the fact that Todd is innocent doesn't matter to you, does it? On top of that, you have persuaded Dorian to share a table with my brother, whom she hates. So what's up with that?
Spencer: David, we all understand how much stress you must be under. I am very happy to see you fighting the charges, by the way, but that doesn't give you the right to come in here and insult my -- Blair.
David: I insulted her? I merely pointed out that she's sitting here with you, instead of her unjustly accused, got-the-needle-in-the-arm father of her children. Was that an insult?


[David is shocked that Spencer is the one who set bail for him]
David: So you just happened to have million dollars lying around to spend on me?
Spencer: Yeah. I mean, I moved some things around. Sold off some property. It was no big deal.
David: (to Blair and Dorian) Could either of you ladies produce a tissue? I'm about to start crying.


Spencer: I just couldn't stand the idea of seeing my own flesh and blood rotting away in a jail cell, that's all.
David: Keep your emotions in check, Spencer. You're borderline sincere.


David: Where's Blair? Did she finally wise up and go home?
Spencer: She's asleep. Don't worry, we can talk freely. She won't be waking up.
David: Why, did you kill her?


Spencer: I am going to kill you if you don't change your mind about pleading guilty.
David: Spencer, the magnitude of your threats is diluted by the sheer volume that I receive.


Spencer: They don't have enough evidence to convict. So why don't you just have a little faith, and you will be a free man.
David: That's probably what Todd Manning was thinking, too.


Spencer: I'm truly hurt, David.
David: You're also ugly. Next complaint?


David: (to "Todd"/Victor) A grudge match between you and Spencer? Why do I see all of Llanview burning?


Spencer: I'm your brother, David. I know you better than you know yourself.
David: Then what's the big surprise? You know I never listen.


David: I used to dream about that alley, Spencer. I'd see the dead cop lying there on the ground. I'd turn to run away. But instead of the alley, there was a brick wall. I would scratch and I would claw at that wall until my fingers bled.
Spencer: It's just a dream, David.
David: Spencer, it was my entire life.


Spencer: So is there anything I can do for you?
David: Absolutely. Get me a few cartons of cigarettes. Better than cash around here.


David: (to Spencer) John McBain paid me a visit earlier. He told me that he found the gun that I dropped in the alley that night. It was full of blanks. I was shooting blanks just like Kevin Buchanan.


David: You were there. You were in the alley when John's father was shot.
Spencer: Hey, David, do you want to -- you want to keep it down just a little bit here?
David: This is all starting to make sense in that sick, twisted, Spencer kind of way. You sent me on a pickup, and you gave me a gun loaded with blanks.
Spencer: You're in a county jail, David. Do you want to shut the hell up?


Spencer: I'm just happy that the judicial system has seen fit to drop the charges against my little brother. I applaud them, in fact.
David: My hands are nearly raw from applauding. Look at that.


Spencer: Oh, oh, what a beautiful night. I love it down here.
David: The fog is three feet thick, you moron.
Spencer: I know, I know. There's just something so comforting about it. It's almost as if you're kind of invisible, you know, like you could do just about anything you wanted to and no one would even be able to see you.
David: Spencer, you may be shallow, but you're not invisible.


David: You lied to me, you blackmailed me, and you let me believe that I was a murderer for 25 years. Well, now, my dear brother, it is payback time.
Spencer: What are you going to do, David? Shoot me and throw me in the Llantano river?
David: I don't shoot people -- not with real bullets anyway. That's more your speed, isn't it?


Spencer: Dangerous spot, David. You know, a guy could get murdered down here, they wouldn't find the body for days.
David: Cut the dramatics, Spencer. This isn't Calcutta.


David: You know, John's a very good cop, Spencer. He's like a dog with a bone right now, you being the bone.
Spencer: Listen, I don't have time to play "Top That Metaphor"...


Spencer: What do you mean, I've lost Blair? What are you talking about?
David: Todd's back.
Spencer: So what? She's over him.
David: That's never going to happen. Oh, Spencer, it was inevitable. Don't you know? Blair hates a liar. With the exception of Todd. And Dorian lies a lot. Kelly's not exactly honest, either. Never mind.


Spencer: (about Lenny) Why don't they just leave him alone? He's just a sick old man. Why don't the cops just leave him alone?
David: Oh, wow, Spencer. Your emotional outburst about your former forger is really touching.


David: (to John) Wouldn't it be a lot easier on you if Spencer came in here and spilled his guts, and saved so you don't have to go to trial where you might lose? In fact, he'll probably win by offering to install a brand-new liver on every jury member.


David: It's over, Spencer. You got sloppy. And pretty soon, Blair is going to drop you like a -- starts with a B.
Spencer: Bunch of bricks?
David: The other one.
Paige: Bad habit.
David: Right.


David: Good morning, good morning.
Spencer: Whoa. What are you doing?
David: Well, as you can see, I commandeered your breakfast. I signed for it, and I gave the waiter an outrageously large tip -- somewhere in the neighborhood of 15%.


David: Time's up, Spencer. You are going down, and I'm going to have a front-row seat to the main event. Hey, maybe they'll shoot you on your perp walk. That'd be a real showstopper.
Spencer: Hey, maybe you should just put all your fantasies on one big long continuous reel. That way, you could just watch it over and over and over.
David: Spencer, continuous reel -- this is the digital age.


Spencer: Let's face it, David -- you didn't have the talents. You weren't given the looks, the brains. As a matter of fact, you were a pretty crappy con man if I recall, as well. I have always been extremely lucky and rather gifted, I must say.
David: You're right. I always wanted to be just like my big brother, who turned out to be a sociopath.


Spencer: You've just crossed the line.
David: No, you have lost. Todd's back. It's just a matter of time until Blair welcomes him home with open -- you know.


Paige: Wow. Spencer was willing to let Todd die, just so he could have a straight shot to Blair.
David: How many guys do you know would instigate a double murder and an execution just to keep two people apart?


[Spencer has been arrested]
Spencer: I don't suppose you'd like to offer a little brotherly support here, Dave.
David: Spencer, I don't like "I told you so's" because they're usually aimed at me, but this one's classic and it's pointed at you.


[David comes to visit Spencer in his jail cell]
David: Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. I'm going to give you some advice from a guy who used to be where you are now. (he gestures toward Spencer's bed) Sleep with your head at that end, or the guys in the drunk tank will pull your hair.


[David returns to visit Spencer in jail]
David: Huh. That is the darndest thing. You look overweight and anemic at the same time.
Spencer: Get out, David. Just get out!
David: Are you sure you don't want my company? I could show you how to make a shiv out of cold butter and green beans.


Spencer: I am an innocent man, a victim of police harassment, false arrest, and I am going to launch one hell of a lawsuit against the Llanview police department. So you can expect some changes around here, buddy boy, starting with John McBain and Bo Buchanan.
David: Spencer, Bo and John aren't just sitting on their hands right now hoping for the best. They're like pit bulls with a shih tzu carcass.


Spencer: What happened to you anyway, David? I mean, you know, you -- you used to look up to me so.
David: Which is why I started wearing lifts in high school.


Spencer: I looked out for you, David. Didn't I?
David: You made me think that I killed a cop when you did it yourself. Yeah, that's watching out for my back, isn't it?


David: (to Spencer) Well, well, well. It looks like you're all out of friends, lovers, allies, and lackeys.


David: Spencer, if you plead guilty with an explanation, maybe they'll give you a couple of days off your life sentence.


Spencer: You really let me down today, little brother, you know that? I'm very disappointed.
David: You let me down every moment of every day of my life.


David: Bo, when it comes to being arrogantly cool and unflappable, Spencer, my brother here -- he wrote the pamphlet.
Spencer: Is that a compliment, David?
David: He also seems to think that there are rules that he can live by that don't apply to other people, so when you're dealing with him, be sure you keep that ubermensch complex in mind.


David: (to Spencer) You know what? There is something you ought to keep in mind. You're going to have to update your resume now. You can keep "kidnapper" and "murderer" and "generally no good," but you're going to have to add "inmate" to that list now.


Spencer: Those charges will be dropped, and the Llanview police department will be under investigation for gross misconduct and false arrest. I know that much.
David: What did they do, Spencer? Feed you an overdose of smug while you were in lockup?


Spencer: Actually, I do have a problem with being prosecuted by my son.
David: Whoa. What? Hugh Hughes is your son? Oh, Spencer, you finally find out you have a son, and it turns out to be the district attorney. What are the chances?


Spencer: You knew I had a son, David.
David: Oh, yeah. Everybody knew but you.
Spencer: Thanks for the heads-up, Dave.
David: You know, I think I like it on this side of the secret-keeping fence.


David: You set me up for a murder that you committed.
Spencer: Allegedly.
David: I guess I really shouldn't be surprised, though, should I? But then again, why did you hold on to the murder weapon all those years? Sentimentality? The only thing that Dad ever gave you was the gun, so you held on to it? You saved it like a -- a flower pressed between two pages? Oh, Spencer, my brother, the murdering yet sentimental sap.


Lawyer: (about Spencer) In no way has my client violated any of the bail agreements.
David: He was at the bus station restocking the aspirin.


David: (to Spencer) It looks like you're going to be spending some time in the yard wearing overalls and hanging out with a couple of tattooed fellas named bubba and snake.


Bo: Spencer Truman, consider yourself officially charged.
David: Don't look so concerned, Spencer. You're going to make a lot of new friends in the pen. And take a lot of cigarettes. They like cigarettes in the pen.


Bo: I do appreciate you sharing your theory with me, Vickers. I know that you're not a big fan of my family.
David: I may not love your family, but I hate what's left of mine.


Spencer: You're enjoying this, aren't you, David?
David: Well, I'm enjoying it a lot more than being behind bars for a crime you committed.


Spencer: Here's the thing, this is the irony of this whole situation. You and I are no different because you did pull the trigger. You did intend to kill Thomas McBain.
David: Yes. I murdered in my heart. Thank goodness I had you to put blanks in the gun.


David: What do you want, Spencer?
Spencer: My entire case, the state's case, rests -- it hinges upon your testimony.
David: Yeah, I thought so.


Spencer: You put me in that alleyway with that gun in my hand, David, you're an orphan, you get it?
David: I did want a brother, Spencer. I wanted a brother to teach me how to play poker, how to talk to girls, how to be disarmingly charming and witty -- well, I guess I didn't need you for that one, did I? But my brother put a gun in my hand and sent me down an alley. I don't need a brother like that, but you know what? I really do love that you appealed to my emotional side, to my sentimental side, asking for my help. But you know what I love more? Saying "No." Sorry, Spencer. You're on your own.