"Lieutenant Bright Smile" -- David & Kevin (2003-2006)

David: (referring to Kevin) Lieutenant "Bright Smile" abandons his wife on a regular basis, but she's completely devoted to him. I mean, call it perverse, call it disgusting, but there's no way we're going to keep those two away from each other.


David: (to Kelly) Listen, don't spend too much time in Harrisburg, okay? You're one of the few interesting people here in Llanview. No offense, Kevin.


[David answers Kelly's phone]
David: Hello?
Kevin: Hello. Who is this?
David: Oh, Kevin, hi. It's nice to hear your voice.


[David returns to Dorian's after getting into a fight with Kevin over Kelly]
David: See you. The deal is off.
Dorian: I'm sorry, our deal doesn't have an "out" clause.
David: If Kevin Buchanan had a gun, I'd be cooling my heels in the morgue right now.


David: I've had a couple wonderful chats with Kelly recently.
Kevin: Which stop now, by the way.
David: And during one of them, she mentioned that she wanted to conceive your child -- for some idiotic reason.


Kevin: You can tell the tabloids anything you want, Vickers. Kelly and I are used to ridiculous rumors.
David: Yeah, I know. Have you heard the latest one? The reason your marriage is on the skids is because you want to bed down with your wife's cousin Blair.


[Kevin has come to see Blair]
David: Don't do anything tacky.


David: Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Where's Kelly? You didn't actually leave her alone on New Year's Eve, did you?
Kevin: Where Kelly is, is none of your business.
David: Or yours, either, I guess. The woman that I believe you're looking for [Blair] -- rather conspicuously, by the way -- she just arrived. So what does Kelly really matter, anyway, right?


David: I could hardly believe the news!
Kevin: Save it, Vickers, would you?
David: I was talking about the crop circles in Peru. Oh, you thought I was talking about your resignation. No, no, that didn't surprise me at all, no, given the circumstances.


David: Hey, Kelly, Kevin! Kelly, you look radiant. Motherhood obviously suits you. Say, are you and the little one registered somewhere, because it would mean a lot to me if I could charge something on Dorian's account for you.
Kevin: We don't need or want anything from you, Vickers, you got that?
David: Okay. Well, congrats, anyway. And I hope that becoming a father finally stops you from chasing after your wife's female relations.


David: Well, it was absolutely unbelievable to me how blind and thoughtless Kevin can be.
Dorian: Hmm. It's not really his fault. After all, he -- he inherited none of Viki's good qualities and all of her bad ones.
David: Yeah, I guess that just about sums it up.


[Kevin is knocking on Dorian's door; David has to go answer it]
David: I remember when Dorian had 24-hour staff to deal with this kind of nonsense.


Kevin: Where's Blair?
David: Can't help you.
Kevin: Can't or won't?
David: I can't and I won't help you locate your mistress.


David: Look, Kevin, you ought to be a lot more like me. I chose one Cramer woman, and I'm sticking with her.


David: (to Kevin) Everything in this house is about to be half mine. I'd like you off my half of the rug.


[David comes upon Blair and Kevin trying out dance steps for a possible section in "Craze" magazine]
David: Cozy.
Blair: (to David) Hey, we were just actually working on one of your great ideas.
Kevin: One of his ideas?
Blair: One of his -- yes, it's a good idea.
David: (narrowing his eyes at Kevin and Blair) Well, apparently, it was a bad idea.


[Kevin is talking to Blair about how concerned he is about Kelly]
Kevin: I just have to wait for her to come home, because I'll tell you what, I'm all out of ideas.
David: (coming into the room) Not to worry. I have more than enough ideas to go around.
Kevin: David, what are you doing here?
David: I am pointing out the trends we should cover in my magazine.
Kevin: "My" magazine...?


Kevin: Uh -- well, I -- I guess, welcome to "Craze" magazine.
David: I'm sorry, what?
Kevin: Oh, don't push it.
David: I feel like we should hug.
Kevin: No.
David: Should we hug now?


David: So, what do you hear from Kelly?
Kevin: She's out of town.
David: Still out of town. Interesting.


[Kelly says that she and Kevin are happy together]
David: Good. I'm very happy for you. You know, that must be what I saw Kevin telling Blair at the country club just now.


[Kelly defends Kevin to David]
Kelly: You should see the way he looks at that kid in there. He loves him.
David: Well, of course he loves his son. "Hey, look what I made!"


David: Oh, word around the office is you love the new "Craze" logo.
Kevin: I liked it.
David: Well, if you liked the logo and I created the logo, then you like me. It's a mathematical proof. You can't argue with math.


David: (to Kevin) See you around the water cooler, chief!


[David comes knocking on Kevin's office door]
David: Knock knock. Hey, boss. Have you checked on your grandpa lately?
Kevin: Why?
David: Well, he just let me in. I don't think he recognized me, and I daresay he was downright friendly.
Kevin: Well, don't take it personally.


Dorian: I still cannot believe that you called that adorable little baby Asa II.
Kelly: Yeah.
Dorian: Must've been Kevin's idea.
David: No, no, Kevin would've come up with something much more original, like Kevin II.


[Kevin catches David eavesdropping]
David: I've got a new column for the magazine -- "Eavesdropping Craze." No-tech is the way to go.
Kevin: That's the best you can do?
David: Yeah.


David: You want to talk to Kelly? Why don't you send her an email?
Kevin: Stay out of it, Vickers.
David: Not as long as I live in this house, Kevin.
Kevin: If you don't leave me alone with my wife, I'll arrange for you to live in the hospital.
David: Well, I'll take my chances.


Kevin: (to Kelly) How does David Vickers become the good guy? Huh?


[Dorian and David just had a "session" on David's desk]
Dorian: You think we broke anything?
David: Oh, it doesn't matter. Everything in this office is owned by Kevin.


[David opens up the door at Dorian's to find Kevin and several marshals]
David: Kevin. Oh, my God, what's wrong? Why are they arresting you?


Kevin: I just won custody of Ace. The marshals are here to make sure there aren't any problems.
David: Oh, wow. You really went all out, didn't you? What is this? (looking at the court order) "The party of the second part is hereby compelled to convey to the party of the first part --" ...this sounds like a great party.
Kevin: Where's Ace?
David: Wait -- excuse me. (to the marshals) Sirs, what does this legalese mean? "Chattels"?


[Kevin wants to know where Kelly and Dorian took Ace]
David: Yeah, they took him to a resort on the ocean.
Kevin: Which one?
David: The Atlantic Ocean.


David: (to Kelly) Kevin literally must have been a medieval torturer in another life. Thumbscrews, iron maiden, your rack -- the rack.


[David finds Kelly talking to Kevin]
David: Kelly, not so close. Kevin's been known to vomit forth acid without warning.


[David went jewelry shopping for Dorian]
David: I just told the jewelry story guy to pick out a few one-of-a-kinds that would make any other piece of jewelry feel inadequate -- sort of the way Kevin feels around most men.


Kevin: What do you want, David?
David: Well, I have some rather unpleasant news for you, and, unfortunately, it's not about your mediocre golf swing.


[a photographer has just caught Kevin and David in the middle of a fight; Kevin tries to cover]
Kevin: Yeah, we were just playing a little racquetball.
Photographer: Oh.
David: Tennis, actually.
Kevin: Yeah, tennis, of course.
David: Yeah, the candidate hates to lose.
Photographer: Mr. Buchanan lost?
David: Oh, I slaughtered him. I beat him all the time. David Vickers -- V-I-C-K-E-R--


David: Hey, the election results should be coming in. I'm going to get some popcorn, watch Kevin get creamed.


[Kevin is the new lieutenant governor]
David: What, Kevin actually won? Oh, how can that be? I voted for the other guy, several times.


David: (to Kevin) Where were you? Were you out celebrating your coup?


[David and Kevin at "Todd"/Victor and Blair's wedding]
David: Hello, Kevin. So, you here for the free booze or are you just a glutton for punishment?
Kevin: How much you want to bet Todd screws up this wedding?
David: Oh, you don't want to bet with me today. I'm en fuego. I just got a "get out of jail free" card, which isn't an easy thing to do when you just confessed to murder.
Kevin: Well, the things you do for love.
David: Hmm. Employing sarcasm to express condescending disapproval.


[A judge gave custody of Ace to JR Chandler]
Kelly: Kevin really loves Ace.
David: If he really wanted that kid, he should have bribed the judge.


[Kevin is resigning as lieutenant governer]
Kevin: Tomorrow morning I'll be submitting my letter of resignation.
David: Again?


[Kevin and Kelly want to know why David is so interested in Spencer Truman]
David: I was admiring Dr. Truman's suit, and he appeared to be about the same size as me. Most men in Llanview are shorter than I am. Isn't that right, Kevin?


[Kevin calls David's cell phone]
David: Hello?
Kevin: It's Kevin. (pause, then continuing in annoyance) Buchanan!


David: You may be the Buchanan from hell, but my brother is a couple concentric circles lower on the Shakespeare scale.
Kevin: (correcting David) Dante.
David: No, Kevin, his first name is William.


David: I could write a book on all the reasons I want Spencer away from Kelly.
Kevin: Yeah, I'm just asking for one.
David: Kevin, my brother doesn't go anywhere without a hidden agenda. All of a sudden he just shows up in Llanview? It reeks of something unpleasant.


Kevin: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually believe you.
David: Are you asking me to be best friends forever?
Kevin: No.
David: Good, because I still don't like you.
Kevin: Yeah, I don't like you, either.
David: Well, I'm glad we can handle this like adults.


Kevin: Now, look, if we want to keep Kelly away from your brother, we have to work together to figure out what he's doing here. Deal?
David: Let's forego the double-secret handshake, but you've got yourself a partner.


Kevin: (about Spencer) I don't trust him. Like you said, he's even more bad news than you are.
David: Did I put it quite like that?


Kevin: Get rid of your brother? As in get rid of?
David: Hmm. As much as I like your thinking, I think we'd better think outside the box, so to speak.
Kevin: What? A payoff?
David: No, I tried that. It didn't work. But you Buchanans, you own buildings, you own hospitals all over the world. Couldn't you come up with some sort of grant to give Spencer so he could continue his research elsewhere? Say, some third-world, double-landlocked country with only one plane in and out every five years?


[Renee refuses to let David leave until he pays for his drinks]
David: Kevin, give her that money you owe me.


Kevin: Tell your brother that the next time he wants to congratulate the Buchanans, send a gift basket.
David: What are you talking about?
Kevin: He came over to Asa's to congratulate us in person. I'm beginning to wonder which one of you is more bizarre.
David: Oh, he is.


[Kelly is getting ready for Dorian's bachelorette party]
David: What are you going to give Dorian anyway? Bubble bath, nail polish? Kevin's head on a stick?


[Outside of the hospital room where Spencer is operating on Kelly...]
David: So you think this whole operation business is a good idea?
Kevin: How is it any of your business?
David: Kelly is very important to me. She's a special friend of mine. We've even bonded over some bonding moments.
Kevin: Why are you here?
David: Real estate.
Kevin: What?
David: My brother, Spencer, is in there.
Kevin: I know your brother is in there.
David: And I've got a venture, some real estate.
Kevin: You said that.
David: I want to talk to him, but as you can see, he's busy, Kevin.


David: Spencer, if he's -- what happens if he's successful with the procedure?
Kevin: That's why we're here.
David: Are you aware that if you and Kelly have a baby it will be a Buchanan? Do you know what that will do to Dorian? She will make Kelly's life hell, and I know a thing or two about Dorian and hell.


[David returns from vandalizing Kevin's car in an effort to make him leave the hospital]
David: Kevin, did you park your car in lot C?
Kevin: Yeah.
David: In the far corner?
Kevin: Yeah, so no one would knock their door into it.
David: Well, I think some hooligans must have broken into it. I think they might have taken the stereo. It looked like they busted open the door with a hammer, a very small hammer.


[David is drunk at Capricorn when Kevin shows up]
David: Looking for your great-great-- whole bunch of greats grandfather?
Kevin: Hello, David.
David: I thought you were. He was in here. And, you know, it made me start to think about the different Buchanan character traits.
Kevin: Try to imagine how little I care about what you think, ok?
David: Arrogance. First trait I thought of.
Kevin: Boy, this place could sure use a drive-through window.
David: You know what your problem is, Kevin? I'll tell you what your problem is. Your problem -- I forgot what your problem is.


[Kevin gives a very drunk David some cash]
Kevin: Call a cab, all right? I won't have to tell Kelly someone else died.
David: That won't get me halfway home.
[Kevin hands David a few more bills]
David: Don't forget the tip.
Kevin: Oh, for -- (handing David even more money)
David: Hey, I got $20. I'm not going home. Bartender!


[David learns that Kevin and Kelly are engaged]
David: I understand congratulations are in order. It looks like you pulled out all the stops.
Kevin: Well, you inspired me, David.
David: Really? I inspired someone? How, because I left the love of my life at the altar?
Kevin: Well, no, because you reminded me not to do what you had done, not to take one minute of my life for granted with this beautiful woman.
David: I don't remember any of that. You probably didn't notice, but I was drunk.


Kevin: Oh, Kelly tell you that I was subpoenaed?
David: Yeah, better you than me.


Kevin: Now, come on, David, there's obviously something you want to tell me.
David: You know what? As a matter of fact -- as a matter of fact, there is. I'd like to know how it is that you do it. How do you, Kevin, be such a bastard but still end up coming out on top? I'd like to know exactly how it is that you do that.


David: Who the hell do you think you are, huh? Strutting around here, getting congratulatory pats from everybody. Can life be that unfair? Actually, I guess it can. What am I talking about?
Kevin: Dave, I have no idea what you're talking about.
David: Do you even remember that you cheated on your wife with her own cousin?
Kevin: Of course I remember that!
David: You wrecked your marriage, you grabbed custody of your stolen baby, and you nearly destroyed Kelly's life for good. Look at you now, huh? You're engaged to Kelly again. You're talking about having a baby, a baby that hopefully you won't have to steal this time. Does that seem right to you?


Kevin: I see what this is about. Okay, I'm happy and you're miserable, and you just can't stand that.
David: You're right, I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that no matter how many heinous things you do to people, you Buchanans continue to walk through clover while the rest of us wallow in misery.


Kevin: I was thinking about Kelly. She happens to like you. She feels bad about what happened between you and Dorian.
David: This sounds like it's warming up to a pep talk, so if that's the case just spare me.


Kevin: I know what it's like to be without someone you love. But don't take it out on Kelly and me because we're lucky enough to have a second chance.
David: Well, don't act so surprised, Kevin. Second chances are something that you Buchanans are in no short supply of.


[David is looking at want ads]
David: Not a lot of work for a guy with no education, skills, or experience. Not true. The Lieutenant Governor's job is still available.


[Margaret Cochran insists that she's not the woman David claims she is]
David: Oh. Ok, so your name's not Margaret, you don't have a baby. Well, in that case, maybe the world is flat, Elvis is alive, and Kevin Buchanan is taller than me.


David: (to Spencer) John McBain paid me a visit earlier. He told me that he found the gun that I dropped in the alley that night. It was full of blanks. I was shooting blanks just like Kevin Buchanan.


David: That gun was loaded with blanks. I was shooting blanks just like Kevin --
John: Yes, yes, I -- I heard it. Let's not push it, Vickers.


Natalie: David's gun couldn't have killed John's father.
Spencer: Well, of course not. It was loaded with blanks.
David: Oh, yeah, Blair, did you hear I was shooting blanks, just like Kevin Buchanan?
John: Don't -- don't tell that joke again.


Kevin: (to Spencer) You're going to pay for what you did to me.
Bo: No, no. Back off, Kev.
David: Hey, hey, hey, let Kevin go after him. Maybe he'll kill him.