"Better Lock Up The Shotguns" -- David & Clint (2008-2009)

[Nora and Clint are shocked to find David lounging around the Buchanan mansion]
Nora: Is that Clint's robe?
David: I know, I couldn't believe it, either. It's such a nasty color.


[Clint is enraged to find David at the Buchanan mansion]
Clint: Nigel! Where's the buckshot?
Nigel: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, they're in the office safe at Mrs. Buchanan's request. (he leaves the room to get the buckshot)
Nora: (to David) My son lives here -- if I were you, I would run.
David: What, and miss all the excitement?
Nora: Stop it!
Clint: Vickers? If you're still here when Nigel gets back, you're going to be picking buckshot out of your backside from now until Christmas Day.
David: Now, I'm aware that things have probably changed since Asa went to the big roundup in the sky, but this certainly isn't kosher, is it, Nora?
Clint: (roaring) Nigel!
Nigel: Still looking, Sir!


David: Are you aware that I was the star of my own television program?
Clint: "America's Biggest Deadbeat"?
David: No, "Supermodel Crime Club."


Clint: How did you get past security? They have orders to shoot you on sight.
David: Well, not anymore. You know, you really ought to update that list at the guardhouse. Mitch Laurence is still on it, and he's dead.


David: You know, if anyone is a friend of this family, it should be me. Nora, are you aware that Jessica is running around with a piece of my liver in her? And Clint, you may be upset at Dorian and myself, but you should thank me for taking her off your hands. Aren't you happier here with Red?
Clint: And for that I won't shoot you till you get past the gate.
David: Not very Buchanan of you, is it? Aren't you supposed to lift up the downtrodden?


Clint: Vickers, I don't have time to shoot you right now, but if you're still here when I get back, I'll clear my schedule and make time.
David: I'll be in my usual spot on the east lawn.


[Clint and Nora leave after having been harassed by David]
Jared: Was that necessary?
David: You kidding? They love that. Jared, people like you and me give Nora and Clint a reason to feel superior. You're going to find out what that's all about if you don't give me my money and I'm forced to tell them that you're an impostor. What's Clint going to think?


Clint: (to David and Addie) I heard that the two of you tied the knot.
David: Yes, we did. We're registered at Logan's and the yacht club. We haven't received anything from you yet.


David: You wouldn't happen to have a plan B would you?
Clint: There is no plan B.
David: Oh, Clint. I'm an Einstein when it comes to these kinds of schemes. There's always a plan B.
Nora: Yeah, well, we don't have one.
David: Amateurs. Oh, I'm sure between our combined intellects we can come up with something.


Clint: You know something? You could find yourself back behind bars in Morocco.
David: I hate couscous.


[David was unsuccessful in getting B.E. from Dorian]
David: (to David Vickers the Dog) What do you say, D.V.? Should we head over to old Clint Buchanan's house and see if we can't work out a deal? Maybe if I'm brilliant and you're cute, he won't stop payment on the $10 million. That's a great idea. There's almost no chance of it working. Let's give it a shot.


Clint: David, you are in such a big hurry. Why don't you relax, have yourself a drink, and celebrate the good news?
David: No, no, I'm on a diet. I do allow myself one glass of champagne a day, but that's usually my morning mimosa.


Clint: Well, then just wait around for me while I call Dorian to congratulate her being reasonable.
David: What? No, don't -- you don't want to call Dorian.
Clint: Why not?
David: She's a sore loser. It wouldn't be much of a fun conversation.


[Clint knows that David tried to scam him]
Clint: Mr. Vickers, it was an awfully good try, but you're not getting anything from me.
Nigel: (to David) Your dog has just regurgitated on the carpet.
David: I think I might just follow suit.


Clint: (to Nora) You know, David Vickers always seems to be one step away from the big score. I almost feel sorry for him.


David: Namaste.
Clint: Vickers?
David: I am no longer David Vickers. I am David Vickeroshi.


Clint: David, we have heard about your remarkable transformation or the claim that you underwent.
David: I make no claim. I simply am. Namaste.
Nora: What does that mean, exactly?
Clint: It means "load of bull."


David: I, who have the gift of health, have a duty to take care of those who are older and weaker than myself. Clint, can I get you a chair or perhaps something soft to sit on?


David: My mission is to make amends to all those I have wronged in my life.
Clint: How long is that going to take?
David: I have committed many sins. It could take some time.
Clint: Or not. I mean, look how quickly I forgave you -- and Viki, too.
David: And Addie, bless her soul.
Clint: And Addie, bless her soul. See, you could have this wrapped up in a day and a half.


David: (to Dorian) Clint and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, perhaps because he is a great deal shorter than me, but he is a good man. I've decided I like him.


[David and Dorian arrive at the Buchanan Mansion, and David addresses the Buchanan]
David: Excellent, you're all here. I'm sure this has been as shocking for you as it has been for me.
Clint: Shocking is not the word I'd use.
David: Clint, you are a brother that a man can look up to. I'm honored to share your blood. I mean that.
[David goes on to address the rest of the family. Then...]
David: We're family. You should know how much you all mean to me. And now that you do, get the hell out of my house.


Clint: All right, so this whole Buddhist conversion thing, it was just an act, right? An act where you renounce all worldly goods, and then we put our guard down and you swoop in for the kill, huh?
David: I was doing my best to change, Clint. And as much as I enjoyed drinking tea and wearing orange, Dorian showed me my deeper calling -- to run Buchanan Enterprises and claim the gifts of my birthright.
Clint: Let's just turn it down a notch, shall we, Vickers?


David: (to Clint and Bo) You know, when I found out that Pa didn't love me enough to accept me as his true son during his lifetime, that was an unbelievable blow. But then to find out that my own brothers didn't want me? That can test a person's faith. But I'll tell you something. I'm stronger than that. I'm not going to let this get to me. I'm going to let these petty squabbles about the family, I'm going to let them slide. And for once -- for once in my life, I'm going to look out for myself.


Clint: I told you, David, don't get comfy, because pretty soon, you're going to be out in the street with nothing but the shirt on your back and that ridiculous smoking jacket.
Nigel: Actually, sir, the smoking jacket is yours.
Clint: Oh.


David: Dorian is making sure that this current DNA test is done correctly. She's a doctor, you know.
Clint: You know, she can run that test 10,000 times. The results will come out the same.
David: Oh, really? The same as what, Clint? "You're Asa's son. Oh, no, we're sorry, you're Rex's son. Wait, stop, hold on. Reverse that. You're Rex's father."


David: Clint, do you think you could give me the name of your monogrammer? I'm going to need to get all of these changed.


David: You know, I am a grown man. You can stop treating me like a child. I'm going upstairs for my nap.
Clint: I'll tuck you in.
David: Are you going to read me a bedtime story, Uncle Clint?
Clint: Yes. Once there were two grifters who ended up with nothing -- end of story.


David: I'm finally a Buchanan, but what do I do with that now? They don't want me.
Viki: Do you want them?
David: Nigel's efficient. Matthew's a good kid. Clint hates me, with good reason.


David: I can't just stand by and watch Bo and the rest of my new family get tossed into the street.
Dorian: Will you at least allow me the joy of sticking it to Clint?
David: Have at it.


[David returns to Llanview with cameras to film the Buchanans for his reality show]
Clint: You know that Nash's death was an accident.
David: That's your story. But is it true or is it a mystery? Secret treachery that I will expose.


[Clint decks David]
David: (holding his face) And that's how we roll with "The Real Buchanans of Llantano County."


David: I'm not leaving until my daddy comes home.
Clint: Oh, Bo does not want to see you.
David: He's in denial.
Clint: No, he's not. He's perfectly lucid, and he'd love to throw you in jail for trespassing.
David: And so it continues: Abuse and neglect. (to Ford) My father abandoned me at birth.
Clint: Bo didn't even know you existed, and now he wishes you didn’t.
David: Do you see? These people will cut you. I'm going nowhere until my father comes home and faces me.
Clint: Well, genius, get a load of this. Bo doesn't live here anymore.
David: Really? Well, Nora does, and he'll come here to see her. They always make excuses to see each other.
Clint: You don't know what you're talking about.
David: Oh, please. A blind man can see it from the back of a cave or a very dark room. (to Ford) I'm very good with metaphors. Try to get them all on camera.


David: Nora Hanen is--
Clint: No, it's Nora Hanen Buchanan because she's my wife.
David: You married Nora? (to the cameras) Clint Buchanan stole the love of my father's life away from him. So it's brother against brother for the love of a single woman, the same woman who once married a gay serial killer. The serial killer was gay, not the victims. Was that clear? Should I rephrase it?


[Clint agrees to sign the release form for the camera footage]
Clint: I want you to get everything on tape as I kill David.
David: (to Ford) Oh, come on. You got to let me take my shirt off now.
Markko: Did you miss the part about him killing you?
David: No, no, no, relax. That's just how they talk around here.


[Bo and Nora interrupt as Clint is about to shoot David]
David: Dad! Thank God you're here! My dad's here.
Clint: Bo, Nora. You're in the line of fire. You want to get out of the way?
David: He's off his meds, Pa! Put him down before he shoots me.


Clint: I am saving our family's good name.
Nora: From what?
Clint: From reality TV.
David: No one listen to Uncle Clint. (to Clint) You're becoming a bit of a camera hog.


Clint: All right, I've had it. Everybody duck except David.


Clint: Vickers?
David: Yes, Uncle Clint?
Clint: I don't think you heard my wife. She said get out.
David: Dad, will you please explain to Uncle Clint that you and I have to spend quality time on camera?
Bo: If you keep it up, I'm gonna give him his gun back.


Clint: You are just in this for the money, Vickers, and you know it.
David: Uncle Clint, please, you've got to start calling me Buchanan. As far as the money goes, we're all gonna be rich if this thing sells. We're obviously gonna have to edit that part out.


[David announces his casting plans for an upcoming Buchanan movie]
David: I will play myself. (to Matthew) You will be played by Zac Efron.
Matthew: Oh, he's good.
David: Jack Nicholson will play Bo. It's gotta be Jack.
Bo: Oh, God help me.
David: Hopefully Steve McQueen for Clint.
Clint: He's dead.


Bo: (about David) What if you'd shot him?
Clint: Well, then, I guess he'd be dead.


David: My reality show -- you signed the release.
Clint: Well, yeah, so what? The show's a bust.
David: Well, we have endless hours of footage. And you, Uncle Clint, stood out. The camera loves you. My producer, as a matter of fact, said -- and I quote -- "That guy is gold." He wanted to use the footage of you to raise money, and I said "Absolutely not. I will not exploit my family like that. We Buchanans have a saying. Family first."


David: I can take a hint, Uncle Clint. But before I go, a few parting gifts. (he hands out Dorian's campaign buttons) You may want to hold onto these. They're going to be collectors' items one day. And don't anybody worry. I wouldn't dream of using any of that footage to embarrass my family, like Uncle Clint firing a shotgun at me. Or Cousin Jessica having a meltdown and going after my producer in the bushes. That was probably just one of her alters. Do you know that Viki --
[Clint slams the door in David's face]


David: You and Nora belong with each other. Anybody can see that.
Bo: What about Clint?
David: Better lock up the shotguns before you break the news.


David: (to Bo and Nora) So, time to face the country-western music? You going to tell Clint that you're in love? I will take that as a yes, and good on ya, but I'll give you a piece of advice. Suit up. I'm talking full body armor, because Clint -- he likes to aim directly at the chest, so you got to keep moving, serpentine. It's your only chance, because I'll tell you something -- Uncle Clint, he may be a fine shot, but his eyes, they ain't what they used to be.


David: Isn't it great? The Buchanan men together at the old compound, huh?
Clint: What are you doing here, Vickers?
David: Getting in the way. I'll leave you alone to talk.


David: Uncle Clint cannot catch wind of this. It would be absolutely tragic. Like Shakespeare, only sadder.


[Kevin's cell phone rings]
Kevin: It's my dad.
David: What are you gonna do? Don't you do it. Your dad's not gonna like it. He's gonna shoot the messenger. He's got a shotgun, Kevin!