"Karma Be Damned" -- David & Dorian (2009)
[Dorian is surprised to see David wearing his orange Buddhist robes]
David: Dorian, Namaste.
Dorian: What happened to your clothes?
David: I'm wearing clothes.
Dorian: I don't see any labels.
David: I've taken a vow of poverty.
Dorian: (laughing) Oh! That is a good one.
David: I've found bliss -- not in the trappings of material goods nor in the pleasures of the flesh, but in a feeling of a clear conscience and an unsullied soul.
Dorian: You don't expect me to actually believe that you're serious?
David: Do you know the last time I had sex?
Dorian: No, please. Don't tell me anything about Addie.
David: Addie and I never had sex.
Dorian: What are you talking about? What about all the -- the whispering, the moaning, the shrieking?
David: Pretending. We only pretended to have sex to drive you crazy.
Dorian: Oh! It worked! So, David? How long has it been?
David: Let's just say I didn't have a hard time sympathizing with the monks.
David: Dorian, have you no respect? Can you not see that I am a man on a mission?
Dorian: Huh. Aren't we all?
David: Well -- no. You're a woman.
Dorian: Huh -- you noticed.
Dorian: There are many ways to achieve nirvana. Hey, we made it to heaven more than once.
David: There is a sect that believes in the path of the flesh....
Dorian: Oh, meet me on that path.
David: I'm not a member of that sect.
Dorian: Oh, would you cut the crap, David? I know you. I know you really well, you meat-eating, money-grubbing man. And we know you've got one talent, so why don't you take that talent up the stairs and let's get it on -- old school?
[David is upset that Dorian has thrown a Buddhist party for local, homeless people]
Dorian: Oh, well, this was just a -- in honor of the traditional oo-- you know, uh --
David: Oh, Dorian. Uposatha isn't even today. It's Monday.
Dorian: I couldn't wait. And tell me truthfully, when did you ever have a day of observance observed in such a fashion?
David: Regretfully, I have not had that good fortune since my trek to Chomolangmang. Not since an evening with a mountain yak herder have I enjoyed Uposatha quite so nicely.
[Dorian arrives at the diner...dressed as a Buddhist]
David: Hmm -- some store in Llanview is running low on these robes.
Dorian: (to Jared) You're just totally taken care of. Unless, of course, the true, long lost Buchanan heir should happen to show up.
David: Oh, who cares about the Buchanan money? Let's go chant. They have the best cookies at morning satsang.
Dorian: The stocks and the bonds are going to be signed over to the Llanview Clouds-In-River Zen Center and the Sunshine-On-Meadow Mind Temple.
David: Well done. You are well on your way to acquiring the four immeasurables. Kindness, compassion, joy --
Dorian: And equanimity.
Rex: (to David and Dorian) I'm just saying I don't want to see you guys screw it up. Karma, that's all. I'd hate to see you come back as a couple of piranhas. Don't they eat their own?
Dorian: I have liberated myself from fear, because there is no death. There is only life, there is only love. I am at peace.
David: Dorian, I am a seeker of enlightenment, not an idiot. I know you.
David: Why is it you're so interested in the life that I lead? What do you get from it?
Dorian: Isn't it obvious? Inner peace.
David: The Dorian I know only likes two things -- money and drama. Inner peace gets you neither.
David: (to Dorian) Why are you trying to make me believe that you believe what I believe?
Dorian: Why do you think I was so out of control when you married my sister? Why I did everything I could to break the two of you up?
David: I know. You threatened to cut off my sacred lingam.
Jared: (to Rex) Dorian knowing that David is Asa's son gives a whole new meaning to "worst case scenario," don't you think?
Dorian: You know, when Mel died in that airplane crash, I gave up hope of ever finding love again. And then I found you, and fell head over heels.
David: I did, too.
Dorian: David, let us join our lives together, and we can walk toward nirvana, if only you'll marry me.
David: I am honored by your proposal, and if I allowed myself to desire, it would be you that I desired.
Dorian: What made you decide to say yes to my proposal?
David: I sought the council of the wisest person I know.
Dorian: The Dalai Lama?
David: The wisest person I know locally.
Dorian: Well, I'm certainly delighted that you insisted that we fly coach. It's so good to be surrounded by real people.
David: Those whose visions are not clouded by salted nuts nor free booze.
David: A little chanting before takeoff?
Dorian: David, didn't we do that when we came in?
David: No, that was a greeting.
Dorian: I knew that.
David: A little Zen humor. I'm going to laugh of the humor you provided me. Feel free to join.
[David and Dorian both laugh loudly]
David: Yours seemed forced.
Dorian: That's judgmental.
Dorian: I remember how devastated I felt when I caught Clint kissing Nora. Oh, it was all consuming.
David: Negativity clogs the plumbing of the spirit.
Dorian: That is so true. However, there was one positive thing that came out of that whole mess.
David: The way of dharma?
Dorian: The best rebound sex you and I ever had.
[David marvels that Dorian was able to give up all of her riches]
David: The choice was easy for me. You know how I used to love a gourmet meal or a bespoke suit. But I could never afford them on my own. So to long for them was a dead end. The life of the soul, the life of poverty made sense for me. But for you, you have it all. And to give that up to marry me, to join me in the gutter -- priceless.
Dorian: Your life is my life.
David: I know. You keep saying it. I'm actually starting to believe it.
David: Dorian, it means so much to me that you would want what I have to offer. Not that I'm knocking it. You haven't lived until you've fasted for 10 days, and then tasted your first teaspoon full of yak butter. It's been a lonely life. I've missed you. I've missed us. We're fun.
Dorian: We're about as fun as it gets, David.
David: Dorian, will you marry me? I know you've already asked me, and I've accepted, but I thought I'd return the favor.
Dorian: Yes, David. I will be happy to marry you.
David: And yes, we'll be penniless. But we'll have the sun in the morning and the moon at night. And in the winter, there's this wonderful little ashram in the Bahamas where they let you eat for free if you do the dishes.
Dorian: You wash, I'll dry.
David: I hurt you. Or I should say David Vickers hurt you. I made you love me. I made you long for me. And then I dumped you.
Dorian: Let's not go there.
David: No. I dumped you. I humiliated you. I made you look ridiculous. People were pointing at you and they were laughing.
Dorian: Stop. That's enough.
David: And you're afraid that I will do that again. But I won't, my ruby-throated hummingbird. Because I'm different. I'm a changed man. I'm not the same man that left you in a puddle in a pew. I'm new. I don't want your money. I want the here and now. I only want you, Dorian. And if you can see me for the man that I am now, not a Vickers or a Truman, not even a wannabe Buchanan, but a full-fledged Vickeroshi, then I'm yours. If you'll have me.
Dorian: David, with all my heart.
David: Toward my wife, I undertake to love and respect her, be kind and considerate, faithful, delegate domestic management, and present gifts to please her.
Dorian: Toward my husband, I undertake to perform my household duties efficiently. I'll be hospitable to my in-laws and to my husband's friends, and I promise you I'll be polite to Viki. Oh, one last thing. I love you. I really do. And I want you to remember that whatever happens, whatever led us here to this place, I wouldn't be marrying you unless I wanted to.
[Dorian wonders why Lama Bill doesn't say, "You may kiss the bride."]
Lama Bill: PDAs are frowned upon in the temple of tranquility.
David: Karma be damned. (he kisses Dorian)
Dorian: I made a commitment to your best friend, Victoria Davidson, to co-chair the "Go Red Ball" with her. I certainly can't go back on that. I mean, she might have another heart attack.
David: The "Go Red Ball." I seem to remember something bad happened there last year....
Dorian: Once the news of our marriage gets out, why the news trucks, the paparazzi, they'll be swarming all over the Zen center. I cannot do that to your spiritual home. No, the monks would never forgive me.
David: That's really very generous of you, Dorian. But selfishly, I really want everyone to know we're soul mates.
David: What are you up to this time, Dorian?
Dorian: David, how can you possibly doubt me? Why, I gave up my home. I gave away its furnishings, its art, my jewelry, to Maurice Stubbs and his fiancée. I married you. I said my vows in the Temple of Tranquility. I flew coach.
David: When we were in the airport and you went to the ladies' room, I ordered a BLT and I ate all of the bacon before you returned.
Dorian: You did not.
David: I did too. Perhaps I will return as a pig in my next life. So be it.
[Roxy sees David and Dorian dressed up in their Buddhist robes]
Roxy: News flash -- Halloween was a couple of months ago. (to David) Hey, what you got going on underneath that? You going commando?
Dorian: Wait a minute. David and I are wearing all that we need. We're following a spiritual path.
Roxy: (laughing) You two kill me -- you really do.
[Dorian introduces David at the Go Red Ball]
Dorian: My husband, David Vickeroshi, has transformed my life. He has taught me the meaning of "dharma," that only in the act of giving selflessly can one truly receive what one wants. And I did not have to go to Tibet -- I found this wisdom right here in my very own Llanview. I cannot imagine this night getting any better. (with pointed emphasis toward the Buchanans) But then again, perhaps I can.
[David has just found out that he's a Buchanan, and he suspects Dorian knew that all along]
David: Dorian, did you marry me for love?
Dorian: Yes, of course I did. I love you, David. I always have, you know that.
David: Did you really give your home to Moe and Noelle?
Dorian: That's not so simple.
David: Do you wish to follow the path of the Buddha?
Dorian: To be perfectly honest with you, I'm not as fond of all of that as you are.
David: When you got control of Buchanan Enterprises, you didn't want anything to do with me. And then you lost it. Did you marry me just so you could get your hands back on the Buchanan estate?
Dorian: Oh for heaven's sake, you know I did. So what? David, now you need me more than ever.
David: I should've known you could sink this low.
Dorian: Oh, come on, David. In the grand scheme of things --
David: I've seen you do worse things to other people. But never to me.
Dorian: David, the whole purpose of your spiritual journey was to find your true self. Inside you beats the heart of a true American aristocrat. And that heart is yearning to break free. Well, I am here to liberate you.
David: So this is your higher power talking now? Your mission is to lead me to a life of luxury?
Dorian: Is that so hard to believe?
David: It's impossible to believe.
David: Don't you get it? I do believe. I believe in the four noble truths. Honesty. Integrity. And the other two. Life is suffering. And the origin, Dorian, of suffering --
Dorian: Oh, get a grip, David. You're a Buchanan. And Buchanans were not meant to suffer.
Dorian: I cannot think of any more wretched existence than that of a lonely billionaire.
David: Know about that firsthand, do you?
David: Oh, Dorian, you're working me again.
Dorian: No, I am simply confused.
David: You are never confused. I'm the one who gets confused!
Dorian: Just bear with me because this is -- this is really unfamiliar territory to me.
David: What is? Me having money?
[David and Dorian wake up after having slept together the night before]
David: I thought long and hard about what you said.
David: You married me for the wrong reasons. But you apologized and said that you were vindictive and mean.
Dorian: Did I use those exact words?
David: Something along those lines.
Dorian: We'll have everything now.
David: Kind of looks like we already have.
David: (to Dorian) I find comfort in a simpler life. I see the world in a different way, and for the first time in my life, I have found peace. Am I really ready to give all of that up? Yeah, absolutely. Who needs peace when you've got all that Buchanan money, huh?
David: (to the Buchanans) You know what? If you all had been a lot nicer to me, maybe we could have been one big happy family. But it's too late for that, my estranged brethren, much, much too late.
Dorian: Karma's a bitch, ain't it?
Dorian: So we're agreed. We're going to tear up the south lawn and put in a labyrinth.
David: A labyrinth? I thought we were going to build a big maze made out of hedges.
[Addie is surprised to learn that David and Dorian have renamed the Buchanan Mansion as "Maison Fleurie"]
David: It's French.
Addie: I know that. Learning français was on my list. How come you renamed the Alamo with something so delicate as a flower?
David: A flower? (to Dorian) You said it meant stud.
Clint: So, David, you're broke again. How does that feel?
Clint: Yeah, well it's about to get colder. You can expect divorce papers within, oh, I'd say about an hour.
David: So who's my daddy?
Kyle: Your father is someone named Rex Balsom.
David: Rex Balsom is my father? How can that be?
Dorian: Oh, Clint. I knew you were slipping, but this takes the cake.
David: Rex is a little bit younger than I am.
Dorian: Couldn't you at least give this stooge you paid off a plausible story?
David: Can he even drive?
Nora: We know Rex Balsom and he's too young to be --
David: Oh, my God, he's found it -- the fountain of youth.
Kyle: Rex Balsom is not David Vickers' son.
David: I told you I never had sex with Roxanne.
Dorian: Shh. I don't ever want to think about that again.
David: Dorian, honestly, do you need this house? Or Clint’s money? Do you have to rob him of his dignity?
Dorian: Yes. Is that a problem?
David: I kind of think it is.
Dorian: You want to just throw away our whole plan?
David: No, I don't want to.
Dorian: Thank heaven.
David: I have to. Look, I don't want to be some rich guy who lives off of his wife's money and his father's money and sits around in a smoking jacket drinking port and playing golf all day.
Dorian: It never bothered you before. Well, the golf, maybe.
David: It bothers me now. I don't want to be like that.
Dorian: Well then don't be. David, you're a wonderful man.
David: No, I'm not.
Dorian: Of course you are. Why else do you think I married you?
David: Because it was the only way you could get your hands on the Buchanan windfall.
Dorian: Okay, that was true in the beginning. And I was honest about that. But you've got to know how much I have always cared about you.
David: Now that I do know.
David: There's always been something missing. Something that I've been leaving out. It's my gift. My gift of acting. Acting in Hollywood.
Dorian: Excuse me? You're going to give up all of this for warm weather and cosmetic surgery?
David: I have been lying and scamming my way through life for as long as I can remember. And I have been exactly what people have always called me. A two-bit con artist.
Dorian: You stop that. You are a very talented con artist.
David: The real thrill of conning was convincing someone that I was someone who I wasn't. It wasn't the money. Well, it was the money to a certain extent. But there was more to it than that. And the only time I've ever felt the same way, that I ever had that same sense of purpose, was when I was doing my acting.
David: I think there would be a lot fewer problems in this world if more people would watch me do my acting.
Dorian: With all the Buchanan money, you could produce your own show. You could star in it, direct it, script approval --
David: No, Dorian, that's cheating. I want to earn this. I don't care if I have to go to a dozen auditions before I'm a movie star. No shortcuts. No pretending to be I'm someone who I'm not. Except on camera. You know what I mean.
Dorian: David, I can't go to L.A. with you. I have a life here, a family, a teenager who's my responsibility --
David: A brand-new house, someone else's fortune to ransack --
Dorian: Oh, oh, oh. You're in no position to judge. You were just as committed to this takeover as I was.
David: I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. But I like being with you.
Dorian: Well, that was one of the biggest perks of this arrangement.
David: Ah, man. Our timing's off again, isn't it?
Dorian: Mm. I'm afraid so.
David: You know a lot of couples, they do the long-distance thing.
Dorian: Yeah. We know how that works out.
Dorian: How can you not support me in this?
David: I can't just stand by and watch Bo and the rest of my new family get tossed into the street.
Dorian: Will you at least allow me the joy of sticking it to Clint?
David: Have at it.
[Dorian watches David's new commercial, unaware of the product he'll be advertising]
David: Not too shabby, eh? But it's nothing special for me. I'm out on the town every night of the week. Tonight it's a movie premiere, and I'm seated next to a couple of people named Brad and Angelina. But I can't go. Why not? Because of this. Oh! That's right, my friends. I can't sit down. Like many of you, I have known the painful agony of hemorrhoids. That was me before -- before Have-a-Seat. One swipe with the wipe and you'll never be afraid to be glued to your chair again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a movie premiere to get to. But first, I need to -- Have-a-Seat. Control your 'rhoid rage with have-a-seat. One swipe with the wipe and you'll be sitting on top of the world. Have-a-Seat -- treatment and cure.
[After the commercial, David calls Dorian]
David: Did you see it? Wasn't I fantastic? Did you see me wink or was it too subtle? Are you proud of me?
Dorian: Why don't you come home and let's celebrate together?
David: Dorian, I can't come home now. I have what they call "heat."
Dorian: As I recall, you always did have heat.
David: No, not -- not like that.
Dorian: David! Why didn't you call?
David: Well, I got the photo of you in lip lock with lover boy over here, so I thought I'd surprise you.
Dorian: That was just a joke.
David: Oh. Then what's the punch line?
David: I have a professional acting career to attend to.
Dorian: You could have a professional acting career here.
David: Doing what? "Hamlet" with the Llanview players? No, thank you.
David: You know, what happened to that support you had for me? You supported me at one time, and now that I'm actually living my dream, where is it?
Dorian: Your dream? Of becoming the Have-a-Seat man? You are the poster boy for a hemorrhoid remedy.
David: It is the number two hemorrhoid remedy, I'll have you know.
Dorian: You have your new life in L.A. and my life is here in Llanview.
David: Wait, but what about everything you said on the telephone, that you'd move to Los Angeles to save our marriage?
Dorian: I meant it at the time.
David: You do have a sincerity that subsides quickly. I've always admired that.
David: Why is it -- our timing is always just off?
Dorian: I don't know.
David: So what happens now, baby?
Dorian: Well -- well, I don't want to be the one to say what we're both thinking.
David: Hmm. Then I will. I'm dumping you.
David: So this is goodbye.
Dorian: It's only our marriage that's ending. We'll still be David and Dorian.
David: (to Ray, about Dorian) You take good care of her, Montez, or I'll break your legs. Might call Shaun to do that for me.
[David returns to Llanview, much to Dorian's surprise]
Dorian: The hemorrhoid commercial money ran out.
David: What, are you kidding? Hemorrhoids and a bad economy go hand in hand, or cheek to cheek. People are sitting around on their duffs more than ever. The royalties are pouring in.
David: (to Dorian) I should never have let that Rico Suave seduce you away from me. I'm here to win you back.
David: I want the complex yet fulfilling life that you and I were building with each other, with your accessible family and those quirky, 3-dimensional friends we had.
Dorian: What friends?
Dorian: (about Ray) He was taking care of his disturbed daughter.
David: He has a disturbed daughter?
Dorian: She took L.S.D. at the senior prom. She poked holes in condoms. She killed her mother. Not in that order.
David: What about Addie? She's here, isn't she?
Dorian: Yes. Yes. She just got back from the Amazon.
David: And Langston, that sassy orphan who's so lucky you took her in?
Dorian: Well, sometimes she feels lucky. Other days, not so much.
David: And the ever-promiscuous Blair -- she still raising hell around here?
Dorian: Blair is not promiscuous.
David: (about Blair) What about her brood? I sure like that Starr. How is my would-be favorite mother?
Dorian: She's not would-be. No, Starr's baby was found alive and well and is living with us.
David: Starr's baby...is here?
Dorian: It's a long story.
David: My goodness. I've missed out on all the good stuff.
[Dorian finds out that David and Ford are filming her for a reality show]
Dorian: What are you two babbling about?
Ford: Our new show. This is the pilot.
Dorian: What new show?
David: Ours, yours, and mine--although that billing may change.
David: Come on, think about it. It's going to be so much fun. Look. The prodigal award-winning actor comes home and moves back in with the gorgeous yet quirky women, and now we have a baby and a crazy ex-husband. That's a bonus.
Dorian: Wait a minute. Are we talking about a slice-of-life reality show or one of those shows where the audience votes who gets to stay in the house and who leaves?
[David and Ford consider this for a moment]
Ford: Nah, it's too done.
David: Yeah. I always find voting confusing.
David: Come on, think about this. You're going to have your very own show that I'm the star of. We're still thinking of the name.
Ford: How about "Real Lords of Llanview"?
David: Or "Cramer vs. Cramer vs. Cramer"? Which do you like?
Dorian: David! You want me to star on a reality show?
David: No, I want you to be my co-star on a reality show.
Dorian: You must think I'm a fool.
David: You're always a fool for me, but I always make it fun.
Dorian: I will not have my family used to fuel some basic cable train wreck.
David: Bite your tongue. This is going to be a network train wreck.
David: Being a celebrity is exhausting. Everybody loves you, and nobody loves you.
Dorian: David, I will always love you.
David: Oh, don't say that off camera. Markko! Two shot, Dorian telling me that she'll love me forever. And...action.
Dorian: Where's the other one?
David: What other one?
Dorian: There were 3 in your crew.
Ford: You mean Priscilla.
David: Budget cuts. She had to go. It killed me. And...action.
Newscaster: Mayor Stanley Lowell’s recently appointed campaign manager, Dr. Dorian Lord, is issuing a statement.
David: What are you up to now, Dorian, and how do I make it work for me?
David: Dorian, I have realized something.
Dorian: That you're a raving narcissist?
David: Reality television is on its way out, and my appeal leans towards a more refined, sophisticated, discerning audience.
Dorian: Your Have-a-Seat fans?
Dorian: How can you do this to me? David, me? Me of all people?
David: Come on, seriously?
David: Viki... I'm sorry. I wish there were some other way.
Viki: It's all right, David. You don't have to explain.
David: You're my very best friend in the entire world. I hope you know that--my very best friend.
Dorian: She knows, she knows.
Dorian: You cannot have a private jet! This is a local election!
David: You don't know that!
[David arrives at La Boulaie]
David: Most of my luggage is coming on the next truck.
Dorian: No. You are not moving back in here.
David: Oh, yes, I am.
Dorian: No, you're not.
David: Breaking news! Dorian Lord is already breaking campaign promises, and she hasn't even been elected yet.
Dorian: Do you have any idea the kind of day I've been having?
David: How would I know?
Dorian: Okay, you expect to move back in here, you better earn your keep. Quick. Three ways to destroy Viki. Go!
David: Destroy Viki? On a sultry Indian summer afternoon, that's how two beautiful, sexy people in a mansion with a fully stocked wine cellar want to spend the afternoon?
Dorian: I need you to dig up some fresh dirt on Viki.
David: And I need the blue room, lunch served at 11 A.M. and again at 2 P.M., and a bottomless slush fund.
[David explains his plan to bring down Viki so Dorian wins the election]
David: Look, it's very simple. We distract Charlie. We send him out on a wild-goose chase one evening. And then we send in yours truly. Meanwhile, you stash a photographer in the bushes while I go to work.
Dorian: You go to work?
David: Yeah, on Viki. Tantric style. Make her wait for it. Or do you think she'd appreciate more of a traditional approach?
Dorian: Your plan is to have sex with Viki?
David: Well, yeah. I mean, we both know she's attracted to me.
Dorian: How dare you! You have sex with Viki on my dime?
David: If it helps get you elected, yes! Oh, if you pay me to do it, that would make you my pimp, and that would be bad for legal reasons. I'm starting to see your point. You're already tarnished by hanging out with that drug dealing mayor. You probably don't want to mess with racketeering right now.
Dorian: I'm this close to firing you.
David: Note to self--don't sleep with Viki.
Dorian: (about Viki) Come up with other ways to decimate her at the polls.
David: I've got one. This one takes a little more effort, though. 24-hour surveillance on Viki. We catch her doing something embarrassing. Not me, of course, something else.
David: (to Dorian) You got that look in your eye. Diabolical one. The last time you got all schemey, a man took a header through a skylight.
Dorian: So help me, David, if you betray me--
David: I know, I know. You'll get back at me really good.
Dorian: (about Blair) She's still hung up on Todd, even though she won't admit it. So that's why she's so determined to put a stop to Todd's wedding to Téa.
Dorian: Oh...you know, it's basically simple physics. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
[David starts fake snoring]
David: This plan of yours sounds awfully similar to something you pulled on Adriana. Look where that got you.
Dorian: Success. Adriana is not with that awful Rex Balsom anymore.
David: And when is the last time you spoke to your daughter?
David: Oh, how about this? "Put your faith in Dorian Lord, a Lord you can finally believe in." I've really got a knack for this stuff. Let's take a break. My head hurts. You're not doing your share of the thinking anyway.
Dorian: Sorry. I just can't keep my mind on the campaign. Not--not when so much is at stake for Blair.
David: Yeah, well, you're gonna have to learn to multitask if you want to run the city and your girls' lives at the same time.
Dorian: (about Ross) All we can do right now is pray he comes through.
David: Or we could chant.
Dorian: You are Viki's best friend, or at least you're always telling me that. You go to that overstarched, dismal kitchen of hers, find out what she's got that I haven't got, and then steal it.
David: Oh, Dorian, you're not interested in Charlie Banks, are you? The man wears khakis, for God's sake.
Dorian: (about Todd) I should just have him killed. Yes. That way, I'd be free of Todd and his sniping at me in his odious, little newspaper--two birds, one stone.
David: Speaking as your campaign manager, you should probably avoid killing someone. Might hurt you in the polls.
[Dorian wants to appear to be in favor of gay rights by having David pose as a gay man]
David: You want me to pretend to be gay?
Dorian: You're an actor, act. Ha! I cannot let Viki win the gay and lesbian vote. Marching her homosexual staff around like it's gay pride parade.
David: All right, fine, we'll take out an ad online. We'll hire someone. "Token homosexual wanted immediately."
Dorian: You said I needed a homosexual at the top level, and that, dear, would be you.
David: It doesn't have to be your campaign manager.
Dorian: Oh, it's too bad you don't still have that little dog. That dog would sell it.
David: I'm not a homosexual, and I will not pretend to be something that I'm not.
Dorian: What do you mean you can't pretend to be something you are not? That's what you do, David. That's your full-time occupation. Victor Lord's son, faux Buddhist--the list goes on and on.
David: Dorian, there's no way people are going to believe that I'm gay. I'm way too rugged and outdoorsy. People find me dangerous.
Dorian: You get weekly pedicures.
David: Women like a well-groomed man.
Dorian: Eyebrow waxing?
David: I had a coupon for that and it was a one-time thing.
David: (to Dorian) No one is going to believe that I'm gay. I'm handsome, charismatic, and quick to turn a phrase. (pause) I'm starting to see your point.
David: Sorry. My sexual identity is not for sale.
Dorian: David, you know very well everything is for sale.
David: Not this time. I won't go gay for pay.
Dorian: Think "bold political move."
David: Otherwise known as "fraud"?
Dorian: Visibility is a powerful thing.
David: So is having a reputation for successfully coming on to women. Except Viki. Did I tell you how hard I tried?
Dorian: Please don't make me puke.
[The doorbell rings]
David: And someone at the front door.
Dorian: The servants will get it.
[The doorbell continues to ring]
David: Lost them in the recession, did you?
[Dorian's new campaign manager, Amelia, sets up a photo-op for Dorian at Carlotta's diner]
Dorian: Buenas días indeed. Whew! Huevos rancheros. David, why didn't you think of this?
David: Because you hate huevos rancheros.
Dorian: "The people" love them.
Dorian: (about Carlotta) She's a very close personal friend of mine. I practically raised her two sons.
Amelia: Really? Because I see that Mrs. Vega's wearing Viki's campaign button.
David: Uh, that would be because Carlotta used to work for Dorian, and people who used to work for Dorian tend to have issues with Dorian.
David: Poor Viki.
Dorian: Poor Viki? Her daughter had you hogtied in the stables trying to prove that Jared was the true Buchanan heir. They practically stole your birthright from you.
David: True, but like my pa, Bo Buchanan, I found that I have compassion in my heart.
Dorian: David, the Buchanans have made you into a mush brain.
[Dorian is hosting a breakfast for gay activists]
David: I have to admit, this is impressive. The gay banner is well-hung.
Dorian: How clever is my new campaign manager, suggesting that I have this impromptu party right here at La Boulaie?
David: Mm-hmm. "Guess who's coming for breakfast? Gay people!"
[David doesn't like Amelia]
Dorian: David, is this envy masquerading as suspicion, or do you really have valid concerns about Amelia?
David: I don't do envy.
Dorian: Okay, I've got a question for you. Do you do homophobia? Because that's exactly what this is looking like.
David: Are you kidding me? The thought of you and Amelia up late hours going over hot and steamy campaign strategy?
Amelia: All my thoughts and prayers are with my partner Dorian and her niece Blair.
David: Dorian's niece falls out of a window, and Amelia turns it into an election year pitch for same-sex marriage. That is...talent.
Nick: It's not that--
David: Craven? Opportunistic? Diabolical? Nick, these are compliments. That one and Dorian may be the perfect couple.
Dorian: Blair has a concussion but no spinal injury, no broken bones. Thank heaven. She's gonna be fine.
David: Oh, good. Your female fiancée will be thrilled to hear that.
Dorian: Don't be that way, darling.
David: Oh, now I'm darling.
Dorian: I also believe in equal rights for same-sex partners. Don't you?
David: Of course. Why shouldn't they be as miserable as every other married couple?
Dorian: Very cynical, David.
David: It's been one of those days, Dorian.
Reporter: You're David Vickers?
David: David Vickers Buchanan. Actor, entrepreneur, freelance political operative.
Reporter: You were married to Dorian Lord?
David: Indeed. Dorian and I had a tumultuous 6-part-miniseries-type relationship. It had its ups and downs, intrigue, romance, a few laughs thrown in there just for good measure. Her niece, by the way, is going to be all right.
David: Blair Cramer, fell out that window. Ring any bells?
Reporter: Of course. Thank you. We'll be happy to report that. The ups and downs of your marriage--were they around Dr. Lord's sexuality?
David: You're going to want to rephrase that in the edit. Dorian's niece is going to be all right, everyone. I know you were concerned.
[David makes a statement to the press about Dorian's "coming out"]
David: I knew that something was up when Dorian let me get away. I thought she was jealous of my female fans, but after I completed my television ad campaign for the good folks at Have-a-Seat hemorrhoid pads, I received a lot of adulation and praise, and my female fans threw themselves at me. Naturally. But then I realized it was something more, and it put a strain on my relationship with Dorian. And I saw that Dorian found her true self with Amelia. I couldn't stand in the way of that. I did what any man would do. I stepped aside and I let love live.
Reporter: I think I've got everything I need.
David: Are you sure? I've got more. Would you like more?
Amelia: You've got to admit, this did up the ante.
David: I don't think Charlie and Viki are gonna be able to beat that, unless maybe one of them has a sex change.
Amelia: This is about more than beating Mrs. Banks.
David: You obviously don't know Dorian.
[Oliver disagrees with using Dorian to try to get gay rights]
Oliver: Why use a straight woman to get them?
David: And believe me, she is straight. Funny story--I tried to get her into a ménage a trois once. Dismal failure.
Amelia: Word to the wise, don't try to elbow me out. You're the ex, I'm the lover. Got it?
David: And Dorian's the pawn.
Amelia: Dorian and I are getting married.
Blair: I beg your pardon?
Dorian: I'm sorry, but I really do have to be honest with my niece.
David: Buckle your seat belt, Blair.
Dorian: My campaign is not about your fragile ego!
David: Oh, are we talking about your campaign? Silly me; I thought we were talking about your girl-on-girl nuptials, if you know what I mean.
Langston: Dorian, I get that you want to win, but is this really the way?
David: She's got a point. Viki's got another dead body on her hands. We may not need this lesbian wedding to clinch.
Dorian: Amelia, I can assure you, I do not intend to lose to Viki Banks.
David: That's right. There's a first time for everything.
David: (chuckling) Oh, Amelia. If you had been as intimate with Dorian as I have been, you would know that Dorian Lord does not share the spotlight with anyone, especially on one of her many, many, many wedding days.
[David doesn't want Dorian to marry Amelia]
David: Dorian, this has nothing to do with the election.
Dorian: Oh. Then what has you so upset?
David: Love, Dorian. You're about to marry someone you don't love.
Dorian: Since when did you become a proponent of marrying for love?
David: What are you talking about? I'm all for love -- when there's no possibility of monetary gain.
Dorian: (about her marriage to Amelia) I know this isn't a match made in heaven.
David: This isn't a match made in Bayonne.
Dorian: I can't miss this opportunity to combine my prominence with Amelia's activism. It's a no-brainer.
David: I'm sure that Amelia sees it that way.
Dorian: What's that supposed to mean?
David: Dorian Lord, you are being used.
David: What if you fall in love with a man while you're married to Amelia?
Dorian: What difference does that make to you? We're divorced. What we had is over. Isn't it?
David: Do you think whatever we had is over?
Dorian: Are you saying I wasn't ever in love with you?
David: Well, I know we were great in the sack, but love?
Dorian: Oh, right. So -- so are you forgetting that you once stood me up at the altar, humiliated me in front of the entire town? I was so in love with you, David, and you broke my heart.
David: You know that my late former brother, the sociopath, made me do that.
Dorian: That's your story, and you're sticking to it.
David: You married me because you found out I was a Buchanan.
Dorian: Money had nothing to do with it.
David: Oh, it didn't have anything to do with the yak butter tea, I'll tell you that.
David: You told me to follow my dream.
Dorian: All the way to the Have-a-Seat commercials.
David: I couldn't get you out of my head. Why do you think I came home?
Dorian: Because you wanted to trick me into using La Boulaie for your tacky little reality show. You said you wanted me back, but all you wanted to do was be a star on reality TV.
David: Well, that doesn't make it any less real. That's why they call it reality!
David: Look, I'm sorry if I hurt you. I am. But I meant every word I said.
Dorian: And which words were those?
David: That I wanted us to be man and wife. I wanted us to be married again.
Dorian: This is a wonderful cause for me, even if I do have to marry a woman.
David: Women are wonderful, but I know you, Dorian. You need a man. You like men. The way that they touch you and hold you. The way that they love you. Come on, baby, do you really think you can give this up?
Dorian: What was it you were about to say to me?
David: Don't let anyone talk you out of wearing white. After all, it's your first time marrying a woman, and you look hot in white. Bon chance.
Viki: Look, I need to see Dorian. Is she here?
David: Since when did Dorian become such a chick magnet?
Viki: As you are so fond of saying, "c'est la vie." Huh?
Dorian: Hmm. No, it's not "c'est la vie." C'est la guerre.
David: Dramatic much?
Dorian: David, put on some clothes.
David: Clothes make me look fat.
Viki: David, are you really going to stay here and watch Dorian go through with this?
David: Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn't think it would go on this long.
Viki: What did you think was going to happen? Dorian made an announcement that she was gonna marry this woman on the 6:00 news.
David: I thought I'd get to watch them suck face a couple of times in public, and they'd have an inevitable breakup for personal reasons.
Viki: You're hurting, David. I know it.
David: Yeah, tell me about it. Talk about disappointment -- I thought I'd get to see some hot action.
Dorian: Still in your towel?
David: Still in your little ninja outfit?
[David thinks that Dorian should cancel the wedding]
David: Well, if you're guaranteed to win the election, why not? That way you can support all the real gay and lesbian couples who want to make a commitment to each other, and you don't have to wake up tomorrow morning as Mrs. Amelia Bennett.
Dorian: I am not a quitter. Viki is. I cannot disappoint my public.
David: What about your privates? I mean, the people who matter to you the most?
Dorian: David, darling, with great power comes great responsibility.
David: I'm pretty sure you just quoted a cartoon superhero.
David: I can't go anywhere. I'm Dorian's head of public relations, you know?
Destiny: Lots of people telecommute.
David: Yeah? Well, their clients aren't closeted straight women.
Dorian: I need to ask your advice.
David: Good. I'm excellent at giving advice.
[David is stunned to find out that Dorian and Amelia are planning to legalize all gay marriages -- including theirs]
David: It doesn't matter how I feel, Dorian. It matters how you feel, so why don't you tell me? How do you feel?
Dorian: I feel like I made a promise to the people.
David: Thank you.
Dorian: For what?
David: For making my decision a whole lot easier. I quit.
Dorian: David, you'll always be welcome here.
David: Even after you're Mrs. Amelia Bennett?
Dorian: Would you stop that. I still need you.
David: Not enough.
[Dorian's dress for her wedding to Amelia is the same dress she wore to marry David in 2005]
David: I see you have repurposed your dress from our day that didn't happen.
Dorian: Since I didn't use it for its original purpose.
David: That's true. Amelia couldn't ask for a more beautiful bride.
Dorian: Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay? You could give me away.
David: I think I already gave you away.
Destiny: You awake?
David: Asleep, perchance to dream that Dorian is about to marry a woman.
Destiny: Maybe she is gay.
David: Trust me, Dorian is not gay. If she was, I'd be the first to know. Dorian and I were soulmates.
Langston: David, it's Langston. Dorian's still in love with you. You're the one that she wants, so get your butt down here to Angel Square before you lose her to another woman.
David: (to Bo) Whatever you do, don't be like me and Dorian, two giving, generous, crazy people in love but too stubborn to say that they belong with each other and therefore destined to always be apart. I mean, sure, Dorian and I are beautiful, glamorous, and fantastic in bed together, but we're not good role models. Learn from us, Pa. No matter how much you may want to, don't be like us.
Bo: David, do you think by any chance you're gonna take your own advice and try to work things out with Dorian?
David: Are you asking because you care or because you want a heads up?
Bo: Ah, it's 6 of one, half a dozen -- you know.
Destiny: I have a message for you...from David Vickers. I was with David when you married that sister.
Dorian: David was here in Llanview? Did he vote for me?
Destiny: (to Dorian, about David) If he'd stayed here, who knows? Maybe you'd actually be married to somebody you actually like.
Shaun: That was a sweet thing you did, telling Dorian about David.
Destiny: They're just meant to be. I know it.
David: You know, a part of me is glad that Viki won that election.
Nevil: I'll undoubtedly regret asking this. Which part, sir?
David: The part of me that says, "Finally, Dorian can give up this silly crusade towards human rights and equality and focus on what's truly important."
Nevil: Which would be what, sir?