"United We Stand, Divided You Fall" -- David & Dorian (2008)

[David considers skipping Adriana's wedding ceremony]
Jared: Won't Dorian be expecting you?
David: Dorian and I have been down that aisle before. She's not expecting me.


[David unexpectedly shows up at La Boulaie and Dorian is not happy to see him]
Dorian: I'm sorry. Who are you? Oh, oh, didn't you used to be on some old country music show? I'm sorry, it's the clothes, they're -- oh, that's right, you're David Vickers. David, the same David Vickers that went to go see Victoria Davidson instead of coming to see me first -- thereby giving her the opportunity to crow about it? Caw, caw, caw.
David: Did Viki really crow like that?


David: (to Dorian) Listen to me. You're the east to my west. The yin to my yang. The rich to my -- eh. You might even say the love of my life.


Dorian: You need my help. I don't think you're in a position to play games.
David: From this position I can think of about three different games we can play.


David: What's it worth to you? Say 50/50?
Dorian: 90/10.
David: 75/20.
Dorian: Done.


[Blair says the timing isn't right for David to live at La Boulaie]
Dorian: I think that life is all about learning how to deal with things that you can't control, like bad timing.
David: That’s very nice. That’s always been our story, hasn't it?


[Dorian has just lied to Blair about David being in her bedroom]
David: (to Dorian) So was it memorable for you? Because it was highly forgettable for me.


[Dorian is going to out Jared as the fake Buchanan son]
David: Well, do you know who the real son is?
Dorian: Would you stop giving me the third degree? This is not important. What is important is who the son is not.
David: Why do you always get to decide what's important and what's not?


David: Hey, will you kindly tell me what the hell is going on?
Dorian: I am a very busy woman.
David: Well, so am I! That came out wrong.


[Viki finds David at La Boulaie]
Viki: Oh, David. Don't tell me you've sunk that low. You're back together with her? Oh, my. I thought nothing could make me laugh today.
David: What, Dorian and me? I'm afraid that love boat has sailed.
Dorian: You may need that boat to sail safely back into port. Think about that.
David: Aye-aye, Captain.


[David suspects Dorian of having Charlie stashed in her bedroom]
David: I wouldn't put it past you, you know? Because Charlie is Viki's guy and you hate Viki in an epic way.
Dorian: Not enough to imprison the man in my bedroom.
David: You done worse, baby.


Dorian: David, I have important things to do, so why don't you take a dip in the pool? Your tan is fading.
David: You cut me deep.


[Jared arrives at La Boulaie]
Dorian: Jared Banks. What a surprise to see you here. I thought all of the Buchanans were at a very important shareholder's meeting.
Jared: You know about that?
Dorian: Oh, yes, I make it my business to stay on top of all things Buchanan. Don't you? As the newest Buchanan, I would think you'd want to be there bright and early. After all, isn't this tantamount to your coming-out party?
David: "Will Asa's latest love child please stand up?"
Jared: Oh, you two deserve each other.
Dorian: Why, Jared, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.


David: This mystery guest you have stashed away upstairs -- does he have anything to do with the B.E. shareholder's meeting?
Dorian: David, when you try to figure things out, you get these funny little wrinkles on your forehead. It's unattractive.
David: I don't want to be thought of as unattractive.
Dorian: Maybe a facial would help.


[Dorian returns to La Boulaie after a news-report of her BE takeover]
David: Well, you just preempted third-run syndication. You're famous.
Shaun: And rich.
David: "-er."


Dorian: I now have controlling interest of B.E. and I nearly drove Clint Buchanan out of his evil little pea-brained mind.
[David sees bruises on Dorian's neck where Clint tried to strangle her]
David: Wait a second. Did he leave this many proprietary marks on your neck when you dated him?
Dorian: You make him sound like a vampire.
David: No, that would be you -- in the impossible-to-kill sense.
Dorian: Damn straight.
David: I'd pay money to see the other guy.


Dorian: Well, let's drink to the future.
David: And to your new company. What are you going to call it, anyway? Cramer Enterprises? Lord Enterprises? You've got all sorts of enterprises now, don't you? Do they all involve Viki's exes?


David: (to Dorian) So aside from the flying body, the broken glass, and Clint wringing your neck, your plan went off without a hitch.


David: I have a foolproof way to find out if you're telling the truth.
Dorian: Hmm?
David: Answer the following question without thinking.
Dorian: Shoot.
David: Do you swear you're not lying?
Dorian: I swear.


[David wants Dorian to give him his cut of BE]
David: So when do I get my share?
Dorian: You're drinking it. That's very expensive champagne, you know, and I'll throw in a few more euros just to give you a head start.
David: A head start? You promised me the moon. Actually, have you ever really looked at the moon? Seems so boring up there.


David: You promised me a cut of your spoils.
Dorian: Really? But we never established what that cut would be, did we?
David: What are you talking about? You promised me a 75-20 split.
Dorian: The math never made sense, and the pity is we never wrote it down.


David: Look, I am not asking for a handout. I'll settle for a job at B.E.
Dorian: What kind of a job?
David: Anything with a title.
Dorian: "Chief Executive Gigolo."
David: Yeah, something that people will respect.


Dorian: Why don't you try out your entrepreneurial skills on Viki? She'll be looking for companionship now.
David: Viki and I don't have that kind of relationship.
Dorian: Oh, no, of course not. Your relationship with Viki is so very pure. You save the dirty, underhanded part of you for me.
David: Now I'm getting turned on.


[David is fuming after Dorian refuses to share BE with him]
David: So that's it?
Dorian: C'est tout. C'est fini.
David: Oh, this is anything but over. United we stand, divided you fall.


Dorian: Rex, I'm awfully sorry about that business with your father. Poor Rex.
Rex: David, kill her.
David: (to Dorian) You have that effect on men.


[David informs Dorian that he has a new wife]
Dorian: Your new wife?
David: Yep, she's as new as they come.
Dorian: Robbing the cradle?
David: Oh, she's very mature.
Dorian: For her age -- whatever that may be. David, really, she must be crazy, I mean, certifiably nuts to marry you.
[Addie comes into the room in her wedding dress]
Dorian: Addie?
Addie: Mrs. Vickers, to you.
Dorian: What in the name of heaven is this?
David: The happiest day of our lives, right, Addie baby?
Addie: You bet that beautiful bottom of yours.


David: Dorian, do you have a kiss for your new brother-in-law?
Addie: I do.
[David and Addie passionately kiss]
David: Mm, I could do that forever, Addie baby.
Addie: Who's stopping you?
Dorian: I am!


[David and Addie show off their wedding rings]
Dorian: You stole those.
David: How dare you. I paid retail with my new wife's money.


David: You should congratulate us, Dorian. Addie and I had to kiss a lot of toads before we found true love.


Dorian: Well played, David.
David: Who's playing?
Dorian: Okay, how much is it going to cost to get you to divorce my sister?
David: You're trying to buy my love?
Dorian: Don't try to be funny, David Vickers.
David: David Cramer-Vickers.


[Dorian arranges to have a doctor from St. Anne's come to examine Addie]
Dorian: (about Addie) She's behaving impulsively and very self-destructively.
Dr. Bonner: Now, uh, what exactly do you mean?
Dorian: She has married this multiple-convicted gigolo.
David: Twice convicted!


David: If you had given me what I deserved, I wouldn't have done any of this.
Dorian: If I gave you what you deserved, you'd be lead soprano with the Vienna Boys' Choir.


Dorian: David, admit it. You only married Addie to get back at me. You don't care about her at all.
David: No. Addie is fun. She sees life as an adventure.
[In the background, Addie identifies one of Dr. Bonner's ink-blots as "Georgia O'Keeffe"]
David: See? She appreciates music. And that thing that turns people into selfish, craven monsters, she doesn't have an ounce of that. In other words, she's the exact opposite of you.


Dr. Bonner: It is my professional assessment that Addie was perfectly competent when she married Mr. Vickers.
Dorian: No one in their right mind would marry this man.
David: You almost did.


Dorian: I just decided to stop aggravating myself about your marriage. If the two of you say you're happy, who am I to judge?
Addie: That never stopped you before.
Dorian: What other choice do I have?
David: (counting on his fingers) Blackmail, kidnapping, assault, tricks, lies, bribes. You better stop me, I'm running out of fingers.


David: You brought this on yourself. I had the goods on Jared Banks, and you promised that you would pay me if I stayed quiet. Well, you reneged on that promise, so I launched plan B.
Dorian: Yeah, taking advantage of my -- my invalid sister.
David: Oh, she is hardly an invalid.
Dorian: And draining my accounts through her.
David: Well, there is that.


David: We go way back. How many plots did we hatch together, huh? How many close calls? How many tight jams? Oh, I miss those tight jams.
Dorian: Oh, I could horse whip you.
David: I miss that, too.


David: You turned on me. And why did you do that? Just because Viki had some laugh at the fact that she thought we were back together? And so you thought that I didn't stick up for you after you insulted me? What would you have me do?
Dorian: We were lovers. Viki was -- is nothing. You owe me more than you owe her, much more. Honor me, not Viki.
David: You're right. I'm sorry.
Dorian: You're sorry? You stood here naked in my bedroom after having spent the night in the bedroom down the hall next to my mentally ill sister. And you say you're sorry?
David: She's not mentally ill. Anymore.


Dorian: Oh, David? How do you think your dear friend Viki is going to feel when she finds out you've been taking advantage of my sister? Deeply, deeply disappointed.
David: That's not going to work. Bringing up Viki's name is not going to make me feel guilty.
Dorian: Do you really imagine I think you're capable of feeling guilty?


[Viki wonders why David and Addie got married]
Viki: Addie? Why?
David: Why, can you think of a better way to get back at Dorian?


[David is in the driver's seat of Dorian's car]
Dorian: Why are you posing as my chauffer?
David: Driving Miss Crazy.


[David finds Dorian's hidden bottle of rohypnol]
David: This here, this ruehyp -- rohypn --
Dorian: Rohypnol.
David: It's difficult to pronounce!


David: (about the rohypnol) I found it in your doctor's bag.
Dorian: And how did you get hold of my doctor's bag?
David: It was in plain sight in the back of your closet.


[Dorian and David's car has run out of gas]
Dorian: If you think for a second I'm going to spend the night out here with you, you are seriously deluded. Do something!
David: You know what? You're on your own. Why don't you mix yourself a roofie cocktail and sleep it off in the back?


[David leaves Dorian on the side of the road]
Dorian: Where are you going?
David: Away from you.
Dorian: Take a gas can.
David: Bite my knee.


[David ultimately returns to Dorian and the car]
Dorian: How did you get here?
David: The moon moved, I got lost, don't ask.


[Viki is having a heart attack and David wants Dorian to save her]
David: Save Viki's life. I will divorce Addie.
Dorian: You must love her very much.
David: Addie? She's got a big heart.
Dorian: Viki!
David: She's my friend, Dorian. I'm sorry if that hurts you. And don't deny that it does, because I know how you can get.


David: Dorian, don't you get it? You have nothing to be jealous about. Don't you know after all this time that you have a very special place in my heart? You and I have a bond.


Dorian: If I can save Viki, you've got to put it in writing that you will leave my sister.
David: I don't have a pen. You're going to have to take my word for it.
Dorian: Your word?
David: Dorian, listen to me. On everything that you and I have meant to each other, both good and bad, I swear to you. Save Viki's life -- I will leave Addie. So what's more important to you? That I'm out of Addie's life, or that Viki's out of yours?


[Dorian is uncertain about bringing Viki back from the dead]
Dorian: Even if I can bring her back, maybe she's better off where she is. Maybe -- maybe she's happy there.
David: You don't give a Flying Wallenda about her happiness.
Dorian: True.
David: But you care about me, Dorian, and I care about you.
Dorian: You do?
David: Why do you think I married Addie?
Dorian: To drive me crazy.
David: And if that ain't love -- look, if there's one thing I know, it's if I'm happy and you're happy, then we're both happy.
Dorian: And the fact that I know exactly what you mean by that makes it the most convincing thing you've said.
David: Then for God's sake, before it's too late, Dorian -- I know you can do it. Please, save her.


David: Dorian, please, I'm begging you, and I'm not into begging -- well, sometimes, but in a safer environment.


[David and Dorian bring Viki to the hospital]
Dorian: (to a nurse) I'm a physician, this woman is a transplant. She's in cardiac arrest. She needs immediate attention.
David: I'm a V.I.P.
Dorian: Oh, shut up, David.


David: Do you think, just maybe, by saving Viki's life you were actually saving your own?
Dorian: You're going to have to get yourself a television show and start dispensing this wonderful wisdom.
David: Face it, cookie, you did a good deed. And the reason that you did that good deed was because it was the right thing to do.


David: Hand over those papers, Dorian.
Dorian: What papers? These?
David: Excuse me. I see what you're doing. I know you're doing that "Liaisons Dangerose" bit, but I don't role play with you anymore. Give me the papers.


Dorian: You have got a shred of honor left.
David: Oh, high praise coming from the woman who had to be bribed to not let another human being die.


Dorian: (to Addie) Did you think that I would just sit idly by and watch you suffer the humiliation of being made a fool of by this user?
Addie: I've married a charming, good-looking, younger man who genuinely cares about me and who makes me laugh. You let him get away. I think we all know who the fool is.
David: That is so insightful.


Dorian: Your ride on the gravy train is officially over. Good night, sweet prince.
David: Drop the Shakespeare. Medea's the only role for you.


[Dorian walks in on David proposing to Addie, with a minister and violinist standing by]
David: (to Addie) It's been a whirlwind. Neither of us truly knew what we had until it was gone, baby, gone.
Dorian: Yes, you knew what you had. You had access to my bank account.
David: "We've only just begun. So many roads to cross. We'll start out walking and learn to run."
Addie: Oh, David, that's so beautiful.
Dorian: That's the lyrics to a Carpenters' song.
[Violinist plays "We've Only Just Begun"]
Dorian: Stop it!


[After David's aborted attempt to re-marry Addie]
David: I had to sell Addie's golf clubs to pay for the minister and the virtuoso. Hope you're happy.
Dorian: I am thrilled because Addie has kicked you like the bad habit that you are. However, you know, as a lovely little farewell gift, I'm going to allow you to keep all the designer clothes which you purchased at my expense.
David: How can you be so heartless?
Dorian: You are the one who left me at the altar.
David: That again?