"Rant, Rave, But Remember" -- David & Dorian (2005)
Dorian: I am going to have to apologize publicly to Viki. Could there be anything more humiliating in the world?
David: Oh, come on. You've been humiliated worse than that before.
Dorian: (about Adam Chandler) He demanded to know everything I know about Ace. How dare he think he can try to push me around.
David: What a fool. You're a Cramer girl.
[the governor sent Dorian a bottle of champaign]
David: Blah-dee, blah-dee, blah. We're supposed to get all excited about cheap domestic booze?
[David and Dorian argue over her plan to try to seduce the governor]
Dorian: So I guess kissing him is out of the question?
David: Mouths open or mouths closed?
Dorian: David, Viki must be vanquished. Or else how can I become the person that I was meant to be and more?
David: You don't need to be more. You're already too much as it is.
David: Adam Chandler is one of the richest men in the world. He's got good hair, too.
Dorian: Sweetheart, he's not my type.
David: Scads of money. Piles and piles of money. Come on, tell me you weren't just a little bit tempted.
David: (to Dorian) How are we supposed to go up against guys like Asa and Adam with all their money and power and money?
[David is trying to get a branch out from where it's stuck to Viki's car]
Dorian: Can you get the other half out, dear?
David: What, are you kidding? Just give me a minute or two with a crowbar to show it who's boss, you'll be good to go.
David: (to Dorian) Your girls have a real knack for getting themselves in trouble.
David: (about Dorian) Her methods are sometimes a little creative, and by "creative," I mean crazy and usually kind of loud -- but her heart's always in the right place.
[Dorian and Viki are fighting again]
David: You know, one day I'm going to put you two in a ring and sell tickets.
Dorian: I should have known that Adam Chandler would find a way to buy the judge.
David: Buy the judge, the police force, pretty much anyone in town -- with the obvious exception of me.
[Dorian finds out that Kevin lost custody of Ace]
Dorian: Well, looking on the bright side, at least Kevin got what he deserved.
Viki: Dorian, will you knock it off!
David: Here we go, round two.
[David and Dorian are looking through old photos and newspaper clippings]
David: I love this one right here. That was taken when you and Blair were arrested for moving Paul's body.
Dorian: And what makes you like this one?
David: Three reasons. A, grave robbing is a turn-on. B, when your hair is slightly out of place and you don't notice it? It's very sexy. And, c, this black-and-white photo, see this? It accentuates your jaw line.
David: The point is that the Cramer women survive many things when many people count them out.
Dorian: We are survivors.
[David has made an elaborate dinner for Dorian]
David: This whole thing is really just a ruse. We've known each other a long time, and I was hoping this would never come up between us, but there's something I feel I need to tell you about me, and that is -- when I was very young, just a kid, I spent some time with foster parents. They were cruel people, abusive. They made me work in the kitchen of a restaurant they owned.
Dorian: That doesn't sound so bad.
David: No, you don't get it. You see, they forced me -- I'm sorry, this is very difficult for -- they forced me to wear a hairnet. Try not to picture it. I told you, they were terrible people. But the good part is -- the upside to this story is I left that restaurant having memorized the recipe for salmon dijonaise.
Dorian: And how fortunate that that is my favorite dish at the Palace restaurant.
David: Oh, man! Did you buy it even for a second? Darn it! That's the front half to this orphan con I used to run when I was a kid. I'd tell you what the end of it is, but you'd just wind up taking me to the ice capades or buying me a pony.
Dorian: I really do know very little about you.
David: The only thing about my past that you need to know is the day that I met you.
Dorian: That is very sweet.
David: Eat your salmon. Or I'll have to spank you.
Dorian: Promises, promises.
Dorian: Look at Viki, happy as a clam.
David: I never understood that analogy. Or is it a metaphor? What's a simile?
[Dorian is angry with Viki again]
Kelly: You know, she didn't have to get in touch with us after Kevin called.
Dorian: Oh, I forgot. Of course, you're the president of the Viki fan club. I'm astonished you haven't started a web site!
[in the next scene, David pipes up to defend Viki]
David: I'm not going to start a web site or anything....
Dorian: Thank you.
David: Thank me? For what?
Dorian: For being someone I can count on.
David: Death, taxes, and David Vickers.
[David sympathizes with what Todd went through]
David: I mean, if anything like that ever happened to you --
Dorian: Nothing like that would happen to me, because if you ever brought a woman like margaret into our lives, we'd be over, we'd be finished. That designer luggage I got you? Out, into the driveway.
David: Dorian, don't. How can you say that? Not the luggage.
[David interrupts a fight between Dorian and Viki]
Dorian: Et tu, David?
David: Don't start with the French.
David: I better go make sure that Viki and Dorian aren't using weapons of mass destruction.
[David goes over Dorian's plan to forge a check in Viki's name]
David: One day very soon, an overzealous L.U. accountant is going to discover that President Davidson wrote a very large check -- a very large university check -- and she deposited that check into her newspaper's payroll account. Viki will go down for embezzlement, which, as you know, is Portuguese for "stealing."
[Dorian got batter everywhere in the kitchen trying to make pancakes]
Dorian: I know, I look a mess. I've made a mess of our beautifully redone kitchen and you're disappointed, huh?
David: Because you're not some homespun domestic goddess? Bite your tongue. I like you just the way you are.
Dorian: (going to embrace him) Oh, you are --
David: It's perfectly all right with the -- don't you touch me! I look good. You wash your hands.
David: I'm very handy around the kitchen. And believe me, I know my way around the oven.
[David starts toward the stove]
Dorian: The stove. The oven's over there. (points to the oven)
[David is making the pancakes for Dorian while Dorian rants about all of her enemies]
David: I think dollar-sized pancakes is poetically appropriate for us.
Dorian: Imagine, Asa offering a reward for Blair's return -- ha! And setting up a hotline? Yeah, sure, at his mansion. And of course, it got us nowhere.
David: (indicating the pancakes) Hey, look at this. If you feel like complimenting me, right now is a pretty good time.
Dorian: And then, of course, there's his son. Bo Buchanan, our beloved police commissioner. He has turned the Llanview police department into the keystone cops. No wonder they can't find Blair. Oh, yes -- Bo and Asa and Todd -- what a triumvirate.
David: (still making the pancakes) I couldn't find the whipped cream. Do we still keep that up in the bedroom?
Dorian: And then, of course, we have St. Viki. She has had her hand in every single thing that has ever gone wrong in my life or my family's life. She is like a curse on this house.
David: She's probably responsible for these lousy pancakes.
Dorian: Every time I turn around, somebody in my family's life is being ruined by one of the Buchanans. I mean, really -- can you believe that my Adriana is dating Duke? Oh, it makes me so angry. And -- and my wonderful Kelly -- I think she's starting to get interested in Kevin again. And, of course, Todd. He ruined Blair's life. Maybe even cost her her life.
David: Thanks to the woman I love and make pancakes for, the Buchanans are about to get an eye-opener. What goes around will come around.
[the pancakes are finished]
David: You know, these are slightly misshapen, but we're going to cut into them anyway, right, so it doesn't really matter.
Dorian: Oh, I've lost my appetite.
David: Well, more for me, then.
[David decides to make a stressed out Dorian some coffee]
David: I realize that a stimulant is probably the last thing you need right now, but unfortunately coffee is the only thing I know how to make all by myself.
Dorian: I'm just so angry, and I don't know what to do with it.
David: Uh-oh. Venting your anger usually involves me being tied to something in a gallon of baby oil -- which rotted, by the way. I suppose we could use the maple syrup --
Dorian: The Buchanans must be stopped.
David: That sounds definitive.
David: Now, are you sure that you're not crossing the fine line between reality and victimization?
Dorian: There is no such line.
David: Well, I just want you to consider one thing, and that is, playing the victim is not -- it's not --
[Dorian has just threatened to kick David out of the house for not supporting her anti-Buchanan rant]
David: I can let you ride out this incredibly bad mood that you're in until you exhaust yourself and fall into my arms. Or I can get angry at your ultimatum, turn around, walk out of here, and never come back. So let me explore my options. The latter would make me homeless, while the former would probably end up with you and me in bed together. So I'll choose the former.
David: Hey -- I am the one person in Llanview that you can always count on. You can rant, you can rave, but remember, nothing's ever going to come between us. As a matter of fact, I think that's your new mantra -- "Rant, rave, but remember."
Dorian: "Rant, rave, but remember."
David: There you go.
Dorian: It's just that i'm just really worried and anxious.
David: Okay, well, you can be worried and you can be anxious about your girls, but not about me. You may not always like everything I say, you may not like everything I do, but the one thing that you can trust is, at the end of the day, my loyalty lies with you.
Dorian: Please, can you ever forgive me?
David: Now, you see, I like that. I love it when you play needy because it makes me feel like I wear the pants in the relationship when we both know that I don't!
[David finds Dorian in the kitchen again]
David: For someone who doesn't know how to boil water, you're spending an awful lot of time in here lately.
[David stops Dorian from arguing with Kevin at the police station]
David: (to Kevin) All right, you -- that's enough. (to Dorian) You -- count to 20 by twos.
[later, after Kevin has gone]
Dorian: I loathe them. I despise them all.
David: You didn't count to 20, did you?
[Dorian is getting furious with a policeman who won't give her any information on Blair]
David: Baby, you know the old adage about files and honey?
Dorian: David, it's flies and honey.
David: Oh, now that expression makes sense.
[David doesn't think Dorian and Adriana are as close as Dorian says they are]
Dorian: Oh, you mean we could never be as close as Viki and Jessica?
David: Or for that matter as close as my aunt Rose and fat cousin Mae. Talk about two peas in a pod? A really big pod, if you know what I mean.
[Dorian and David are out on a date when they run into Kelly and Kevin]
Dorian: (about Kelly) What is that girl thinking?
David: First of all, Kelly's not a girl and who cares what she's thinking? Isn't this supposed to be the night that you're just thinking about me?
[David steers Dorian away from Kelly and Kevin's table]
David: (to Dorian) Well, look at that. Nothing to see here except the subpar table that Kelly and Kevin have been seated at in the corner. Why don't we go sit at our superior table?
Dorian: I just will have to keep the faith that eventually Kelly will realize what a duplicitous, empty suit Kevin is and that Blair will finally toss Todd out like the days-old garbage that he is. And that Asa will rot in jail and that -- that Viki will get thrown off her high horse and land in the same jail, right in the cell next to his. Mm-hmm.
David: That's an awful lot of faith to keep track of.
[Dorian is spying on Kevin and Kelly; David hovers over her shoulder]
David: You know, in case you're looking for me, I'm about two inches to your right.
David: You take all of your time and your energy and your passion, and you focus it on someone that you hate -- Viki -- instead of focusing it on someone that you say that you love.
Dorian: Meaning you?
David: You're damn right and I've been there for a lot of it. I've held your umbrella while you stomped through every rainstorm that you conjure up and, believe me, there have been a lot. Not to mention the fact that I have been waiting patiently for you to marry me.
[David and Dorian are talking about possible honeymoon spots]
Dorian: Do you have any suggestions?
David: As a matter of fact, I do. Puerto Rico's out of the question, and nowhere near Morocco.
Dorian: You're not still angry with me, are you, hmm?
David: Unless today is our wedding day, yes, I'm still angry with you.
David: So, how about this weekend?
Dorian: What about this weekend? What are you talking about?
David: Oh, nothing important. Just our wedding.
Dorian: Honey, we are going to get married. Just not yet.
David: Well, of course 'not yet.' You haven't extracted your pound of flesh yet, have you?
Dorian: Come on, David, you can't be serious about really leaving me.
David: Did you even notice that I wasn't on my 2/3 of the bed last night? Or were you too busy plotting how to get Blair away from Todd or Kelly away from Kevin or boil Viki in oil to even notice?
Dorian: You make me sound like the little old woman who lived in the shoe.
David: Yeah, well, you used to be the hot woman who lived for new shoes.
Dorian: Is that what you want me to be? Shallow, self-serving, hedonistic?
David: Music to my ears.
David: Come on, admit it, you were a lot happier when your life revolved around me.
Dorian: You certainly were happier.
Dorian: What? Me as a June bride? You wouldn't expect me to wear a white dress, would you?
David: You've never been one to stand on convention. That's one of the things I love most about you.
David: (to Dorian) I just don't want to spend the rest of my life without you in it.
[David is moving out of La Boulaie after an argument with Dorian]
Dorian: And, oh, yes, some of your other things you keep throwing around the house. (hands David some stuff) There you go.
David: (looking in box) There's my fencing mask!
[Adriana informs David that Dorian's not home]
David: Ugh. Probably out on another mission of mercy for one of her girls.
[Dorian finds a towel-clad David at Kelly's]
Dorian: I've been looking all over town for you, and I find you in Viki's carriage house with Kelly, half-naked? What do you have to say for yourself?
David: First of all, I'm mostly naked.
Dorian: Well, David, I'm waiting.
David: Well, you can just hold your horses. Because if you think that I am going to stand here in a towel and look ridiculous, well, you got another thing coming.
[Dorian is angry that Kelly and David are both staying in Viki's carriage house]
Dorian: Do either one of you know how humiliating that is to me?
David: I've got a feeling you're going to tell us.
Dorian: So, now you're calling me pathetic?
David: If the designer shoe fits --
[David practices going back to Dorian]
David: "Look, Dorian, I -- I'm -- look, what I want to say is I love you and I'm --" oh -- maybe this will be easier when I see her. But then again, maybe it won't. I should probably have a sandwich first.
[David suggests that all of Dorian's girls are turning on her]
Dorian: Cassie, Kelly, Blair, Adriana -- they all love me. And so do you, underneath this ridiculous facade.
David: You can love someone and at the same time not like them very much.
Dorian: I'm ready to take you back.
David: (sarcastically) Oh, my God, Dorian, thank you. Will I get to use the big closet now?
Dorian: Oh, David, be serious.
David: Do I need to jog your memory and remind you that I'm the one who left you?
[David just gave Dorian a "word association" test to see if she has truly changed her ways]
Dorian: David, can we go home now?
David: I don't know if you passed the test. If I grade on a curve, you got 50%.
[David and Dorian see Kevin and Kelly together at the Palace, but Dorian doesn't seem alarmed]
Dorian: I hope they have a wonderful breakfast together.
David: (suspicious) How do I know that you're not an alien wearing a Dorian suit?
[David is playing a crossword puzzle game by himself -- but he keeps thinking of Dorian]
David: (muttering to himself) You're not together anymore. She's out of your system. Ahem. (going back to the puzzle) 21 across. "Oscar Wilde's _____ Grey." I don't know. (looks at the answer) Ugh! "Dorian." I cannot get this woman out of my system.
[David admits that he's not that happy living in Viki's carriage house]
Dorian: David, you have a home.
David: Actually, now that you mention it, I've been giving that a lot of thought.
Dorian: And what have you been thinking?
David: I think maybe I should sue you for my half of La Boulaie.
Dorian: Yeah? Just try it!
David: There's only one thing of yours that I want.
Dorian: Oh, and what's that?
David: Your heart. All I've ever wanted is your heart. And I think Viki, despite her seemingly ambivalent attitude towards me -- she sees that. Why do you think she planned this chance encounter between us? (pause) Can I have it?
Dorian: Can you have what?
David: Your heart.
Dorian: Oh, David, you've always had that.
[David and Dorian pull away from a passionate kiss]
Dorian: That was -- uh -- unexpected.
David: Not an evening with the Marx brothers, but it's a close second.
Dorian: Well, what does it mean?
David: I think it means we're hot for each other.
[David is browsing online dating services in an effort to move past Dorian]
David: Ah, "Match-A-Mate." Ding, ding, ding. That sounds good. Okay. Oh, I need a user I.D. "IrresistibleAdonis." No, that's too on the nose. "SexPilot." Nah, she'd probably just want to use me. "SensitiveLatinLover." Hmm, that's a good one. Unfortunately, I'm not...sensitive. Let's see, what do I want in an ideal mate? (starts typing) "I'm looking for a woman who is funny and impulsive." So if that's what I'm looking for, then I need to be -- (starts typing) "powerful, yet romantic." Oh, I've got it -- "KingOfHearts."
[David's "KingOfHearts" profile has scored a "match" with a user named "OnePerfectRose" -- David reads her profile]
David: Hmm. "Sitting in front of one of my fireplaces"? Well, well, well. She must have a very large house, or several metal trash cans. "I enjoy fine dining, champagne, and caviar." Hmm, me like. "I am funny, strong-willed, intuitive." Uh-oh. She sounds like she's smart. Well, let's give it a shot. Okay, "OnePerfectRose," fasten your seat belt. You're about to take a ride with the KingOfHearts.
Dorian: David, are you stalking me?
David: I'm not here for you. I have a date.
Dorian: Oh? From which escort service?
David: Your wit needs sharpening.
Dorian: I'm here for a date, too -- a legitimate one, one I don't have to pay for.
David: Really? With what? A troglodyte from the stone age?
[Dorian realizes that David is "KingOfHearts" and he realizes that she is "OnePerfectRose"]
Dorian: The King of Hearts? The King of Lonelyhearts would be more like it.
David: Yeah, well, you're no "perfect rose" yourself. "OnePerfectThorn" is more like it.
David: You know, Viki was right. You are a cliche.
Dorian: Viki said that?
David: While we were watching a movie.
Dorian: Fine! Date Viki. She's an original, all seven of her.
David: Well, you know what they say. "Variety is the spice of life."
[Dorian takes issue with the "interests" David listed in his online profile]
Dorian: What was all that about "dinner in Paris, dessert in the Piazza Navona"? You can't even afford a pizza, much less a private plane.
David: Yeah, well, maybe not. But the part about me being funny and clever and devastatingly handsome? That was true.
[David has asked Dorian for her engagement ring back]
Dorian: I beg your pardon?
David: I said I need my ring back. Please give me my ring back.
Dorian: Fine. In fact, that's precisely why I came over here. (holding up her hand) Note -- I'm wearing it on my right hand.
Dorian: If that's how you feel, we are now officially unengaged.
[Dorian gives David the ring and prepares to leave]
David: Wait, there's one more thing.
Dorian: What? What do you want?
[David walks over to Dorian and then gets down on one knee]
David: I want you to take this ring. I love you. Even though you can be a major pain in the ass most of the time, I love you with all of my heart. I don't ever want to lose you again. Ever. Now, do you have something to say to me?
Dorian: I say yes. Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes, yes, yes, yes!
[David and Dorian are relaxing in bed]
Dorian: Oh. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could spend the rest of our lives in bed?
David: That's not a bad idea, considering it's the only place we never fight.
Dorian: (proposing a toast) To making up.
David: To making up -- again and again and again and again and again and again and again --
Dorian: Sweetheart, you didn't let me finish my toast.
David: My apologies.
[Dorian reads the story that Todd wrote about Daniel Coulson in "The Sun" newspaper]
Dorian: "Prosecuting criminals with his oblivious wife by day, and hitting sleazy motels with his much younger boyfriend by night, the murderous district attorney apparently had no clue that his web of lies and deceit were about to come crashing down around him." Wow.
David: Those fools. A web doesn't "come crashing down." (pause) It breaks, right?
[Dorian finds out that Renee has barred David from The Palace]
Dorian: The last time I heard, Renee was a former madam. Who does she think she is, barring anyone from this dump?
David: Renee is a former madam?
Dorian: Oh, yes.
David: I can't wait to use that.
Dorian: David, are you suggesting that we fly all the way to Paris just for coquilles St. Jacques?
David: Of course not.
David: We're going to go shopping until our credit cards can shop for themselves.
[David is on the phone with Dorian -- who had to go to Paris alone because of a problem with David's passport]
David: Dorian, everything is fine. Listen to me, I'm going to apply for my emergency passport first thing in the morning, and I -- the girls are fine. Yes, Adriana is fine. Blair and Kelly are staying out of trouble. There is no trouble anywhere in town. As a matter of fact, the Llanview-nics have all turned amish. Amish. No, long beards, funny hats, no buttons? Right. Look, I promise I will be in France before you can say, "voulez-vous coucher avec moi."
[David comes to meet Dorian at the airport when she comes back from Paris]
David: Oh, look at you. You look so European. I hardly even recognize you!
[David tries to peek at the packages Dorian brought with her from Paris]
Dorian: You can't look at any of this, all right? Not any of it, until you take me home to La Boulaie and give me a proper welcome home.
David: How about a not-so-proper welcome?
Dorian: Even better.
[David sulks because Dorian won't let him look at the packages she bought in Paris]
Dorian: You know, if you had your passport updated properly, you could have done some shopping all on your own.
David: Damn bureaucracy.
David: You'd think that I had a record with Interpol or something.
Dorian: With all the things I bought, honey, we're going to need a porter.
David: We'll probably need a platoon.
Dorian: Evangeline Williamson has been selected as woman of the year?
David: What's wrong with Evangeline Williamson?
Dorian: This could have been my year.
David: And why could it have been your year? Because of the fact that you were arrested for murder or because you were fired from the hospital or because you weren't even nominated?
David: Dorian, you haven't even been in this country for five minutes and you're already obsessing. Please, let's just put the drama on the back burner until you and I can go home and take a nice hot bath a deux.
Dorian: We have an awards ceremony to go to.
David: I don't want to share you with all those boring people. You know what I want to do? I want to go home. A little champagne, nice hot bath, I'll let you give me a massage.
[David rehearses telling the truth about Spencer to Dorian]
David: Dorian, while you were in Paris, my brother came to town. And I know I never told you I had a brother and I'm sorry, but we never got along and he's bad news, and I was hoping to get rid of him before you came home. I'm sorry I lied -- well, not so much lie as intentionally hold the truth from you, which is different.
[At the Woman of the Year ceremony]
Dorian: I got held up in the ladies' room. I ran into the head of the selection committee.
David: Well, I hope you stole her shoes and locked her in a stall.
Dorian: Honey, I know that you had a very difficult childhood and that you've been alienated from your family. But for you to deny your own brother, especially when he's become such a distinguished man --
David: Oh, no, not you, too. I am so tired of people shoving me aside so they can line up to worship him.
[Dorian explains to Spencer why she should have been Woman of the Year]
Dorian: I was chief of staff at the hospital until --
David: (interrupting her) Not the place, not the time.
Dorian: ...until very recently.
David: That's my girl.
[David finds Dorian outside]
David: What are you doing?
Dorian: Counting the stars.
David: I tried that once. Give you a hand. (gesturing toward the sky) You take that half, I'll take this half.
Dorian: David, where did you go when you went rushing out of the country club earlier?
David: Oh, I got a call from "Craze." You know, it's becoming a 24-hour job being the keeper of who's in and what's out.
Dorian: Sharing your life with somebody means exactly that -- sharing everything -- I mean, everything in your life, and that includes your long-lost relatives.
David: Oh, right, similar to the way that you shared with me about your long-lost daughter.
Dorian: I told you the whole story once Adriana came back into my life.
David: Not exactly.
David: I really don't want to talk about this.
Dorian: Okay. Fine. So I suppose I'll just have to resort to your tactics when you think you're being shut out.
David: Oh, no, you do not want to live in Viki's carriage house, believe me.
Dorian: Do you know what I missed most about you when you were gone?
David: It's hard to say. I have so many fine attributes.
Dorian: I missed lying in bed with you after we made love, in the dark, talking.
David: I missed that, too.
Dorian: We told each other our deepest secrets, shared our most delicious misdeeds.
David: Our misdeeds were fun, weren't they?
David: I hope we have more misdeeds in the future.
Dorian: So your father educated you in the way of the con.
David: Oh, yeah. Our training began when we could walk and talk, and by the time we could ride a bike we were part of the act.
Dorian: What kind of an act?
David: Oh, all different kinds. There was the little boy who was lost, who was searching for his parents. There was the blind kid who was in desperate need of an operation. That was my favorite. I did blind good.
Dorian: Oh, I'll bet. And people gave you money?
David: No, not always. But they were usually distracted long enough for Spencer to lift their wallets. My dad always said if they were stupid enough to fall for a con, they got what was coming to them. Hmm. J.T. Truman. Life with my father made "Paper Moon" look like "Sesame Street."
David: I changed my name legally 20 years ago when I dropped the life.
Dorian: You never dropped "the life"!
David: What are you talking about? Listen, I've got a legitimate job now at "Craze."
Dorian: Only because I made it a prenuptial requisite.
David: (to Dorian) I have always lived my life the only way I knew how. I tried charming my way into people's hearts and into their bank accounts, but that's not what I wanted. For all those years, I was looking for a way out, and I never thought I would find it. Then you came back into my life. When I realized that I was in love with you, I knew I could never be David Truman again, not by name or thought or deed. So if you don't think that you know who I am, here's who I am. I am the man who wakes up every morning and thanks whatever force in the universe led me back to you, Dorian. I love you. And if that's not good enough, if you still want to bail on our wedding because of some preoccupation you've got with my brother, then I guess I'm not the only one who was looking for a way out.
Dorian: David Vickers, would you please do me the great, great honor of allowing me to become Mrs. David Vickers on August 19?
David: (in wonderment) You just picked a date.
Dorian: Yes, and it has to be in August.
Dorian: Because you came back into my life in August two years ago.
Dorian: I gladly accept the fact that you are Vickers, not Truman. I accept the fact that you wanted to choose your own new name and -- I just wonder, though, darling, are there any other Trumans that I should be aware of?
David: Probably Harry S.
Dorian: I'll give you the time to decide when, where, how you're going to share with me whatever it was that happened between you and Spencer.
David: You'll back off? Would you back off for, say, 20, 30 years?
Dorian: Now, then, can we talk about Kevin? What is going on between you and the man most likely to ruin my niece's life?
David: Kevin just doesn't like Kelly seeing Spencer.
Dorian: Aw. (pleased with herself) Well, then he's going to be really upset, isn't he?
David: (irritated) That's not a foregone conclusion.
Dorian: Oh, yes, it is. Come on, have you noticed the way Kelly looks up at him? I mean, he just about takes her breath away, that brother of yours.
David: That might just be asthma.
[Dorian greets Whitney, the woman who will be the planner for David and Dorian's wedding]
Dorian: Hola! (speaking rapid-fire French)
David: That was at least three different languages.
[Dorian and Whitney are going over things for the wedding but David is distracted]
Dorian: David? If you can't focus on me and our wedding --
David: I'm focused. I'm very focused. Let's talk about something very important to both of us -- napkin color.
[Whitney and Dorian talk about having "tapas hour" at the wedding]
David: Mmm, tapas. Si, como no.
[Dorian and Whitney leave to talk to the chef about entrees; David is still annoyed about Spencer]
David: Tapas, entrees, evil siblings....
[Dorian and David argue over Dorian's dinner plans with Spencer]
Dorian: Why don't you just shackle me with a ball and chain?
David: Wouldn't be the first time.
David: (to Dorian) I thought we straightened this whole thing out. You stay away from Spencer, I'm happy. Fair exchange.
[Dorian has invited Spencer to her house at the same time Blair will be there swimming]
Dorian: I need his help because I want to get my job back at the hospital.
David: Oh, I see. And Blair running around in a little bikini is going to demonstrate your qualifications to Spencer?
Dorian: (to Kelly) David and I were just discussing the menu for our wedding dinner, and I got so confused I thought to myself, who can I get to help me pick the caterer? And that's when David said --
David: (looking at his swimsuit distractedly) Does this suit make me look fat?
[David and Dorian are out at the pool]
David: I promise to stay in the shallow end.
David: Dorian, you know I adore you. But watching you try on 300 pairs of shoes --
Dorian: You love shoes.
David: My shoes. Three-inch heels give me chicken legs. Don't ask me how I know. Just trust me.
Dorian: (modeling a shoe for David) What about this?
David: Uh. It is a shoe.
David: (about the shoes that Dorian is trying on) Not only are those shoes perfection, they may be the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. Now, can we talk about what I'm going to wear?
Dorian: David, how about wearing a morning suit?
David: Mourning? I'm not in mourning? Nobody died.
David: (to Dorian) The day that Spencer is my best man is the day that Viki is your maid of honor.
[Dorian has gone and made Viki her matron of honor -- she wants to know what David thinks]
David: What does it matter what I think? It's a done deal, isn't it? Viki is probably planning your bachelorette party already. Are male strippers allowed at the country club now?
David: I want our wedding day to be the most important day of our lives.
Dorian: So do I, and that is what this is all about, sweetheart. You and me and our family and friends celebrating us.
David: Viki's not family. And it would be a colossal stretch to call her a friend.
Dorian: We made a deal -- Spencer for Viki or Viki for Spencer.
David: I never said -- no, I --
Dorian: It was your idea, David!
David: It was a throwaway, kind of like "when hell freezes over" or "I promise to pay you back."
Dorian: (about Spencer) What did he do to you?
David: He stole my jelly beans.
Dorian: Spencer is not just simply going to go away.
David: Yeah, well, a guy can dream, can't he?
Dorian: Honey, if you hadn't thrown down the gauntlet, I never would have asked Viki to be my matron of honor. But now that I have, you know, it -- it suddenly seems right. Because Viki and I have gone through some of the most horrible things in our lives together. We've survived enormous catastrophes together.
David: So you think that our wedding is going to be catastrophic?
Dorian: I think Blair's right. You are my soul mate. And in a different way, so is Viki.
David: That started out nice and ended weird.
Dorian: David, where do you think you're sneaking off to? Hmm?
David: I'm not sneaking off anywhere. I was headed towards the solarium.
Dorian: We don't have a solarium.
David: Not yet, but I got the perfect place for one.
Dorian: You haven't asked Spencer to be your best man yet and that's why you were slithering out of here.
David: Hold on a second, you've crossed the line. I do not slither.
[Dorian holds a phone out toward David in an attempt to get him to call Spencer]
David: Do you want me to time you to see how long you can hold the phone out like that?
Dorian: What happened to keeping your friends close and your enemies closer?
David: You know, I've never understood that expression. I don't want my enemies within firing-range distance of me.
Dorian: David, I just found out that David Goustie cannot do the catering on the 19th and that my custom-made bustier from Paris won't arrive until the end of the month! This is a disaster.
David: Well, maybe we should postpone the wedding.
Dorian: Postpone the wedding?
David: Well, we certainly can't get married without David Bustier and your goustier.
[Blair thinks Dorian is making a too big a deal out of the wedding guest list]
Dorian: Would you explain to Blair why this is so important?
David: What, are you kidding? I wish we'd just elope and go to a Caribbean hideaway and spend all the money on ourselves instead of people we'd rather feed broken glass to.
Dorian: Can we get through this evening without mentioning Margaret Cochran or Todd?
David: (imitating a parrot) Margaret Cochran, Margaret Cochran!
[Kevin and Kelly are arguing nearby]
David: Think they're going to hurt each other?
Dorian: Personally, I'm rooting for her stabbing him with a shrimp fork.
David: Creative, but a serrated steak knife would do more damage.
[David and Dorian are at the hospital to visit the recently rescued Natalie]
David: Hold on a second, why do we care about Natalie?
Dorian: Because I can hardly commiserate with Viki if I don't pay my respects to her daughter. Natalie's been through a terrible ordeal.
David: That doesn't sound right.
Dorian: Besides which, it allows me to demonstrate some compassion for my future matron of honor.
David: Now, that really doesn't sound right.
Dorian: If we did run into your brother, it wouldn't be a terrible thing.
David: Why, so you can grill him some more about our past, huh? Why don't you just put him on the rack?
Dorian: I could get a lot more information out of him than I have out of you, and I wouldn't have to torture him.
David: Yeah, well, torture never hurt anybody.
David: (to Dorian) Well, looks like they're ready to move Natalie. I think we should probably go ahead to her room and make sure that the pump works on that squeezy thing they put around her arm.
[David is tired of hanging out at the hospital with Dorian]
David: Can we please go home now? You know I hate hospitals. They're full of sick people and germs, and have you seen the personnel? Everybody who works here looks like they need to take a multivitamin.
[Dorian is "pretending" to cook, but David doesn't buy it]
David: Exhibit A -- takeout delivery bag from La Francais Provence Matin. Exhibit B -- (picks up the note attatched the delivery bag) and I quote -- "Dorian, if you like this, I'll teach you how it's done. Last night, boiling water. Tomorrow, le monde." Pretentiously yours, Spencer. I rest my case.
Dorian: I did not say that I baked the egg blossoms, I said that they were freshly baked.
David: Dorian, I'll give you a dollar if you stop saying "egg blossoms."
Dorian: My darling, every day spent with you is an occasion for celebration.
David: Since when do you talk in greeting cards? And why did you insist that we had to come here, anyway? You knew that I was craving the coquille St. Jacques over at the Palace.
[Dorian insists she's always been interested in "Craze" magazine]
David: You know, I find that really surprising, because in all the time that I've worked at "Craze" magazine, you've never even once looked at the cover.
Dorian: That's not true.
David: Really? What color is the logo, blue or yellow?
Dorian: It changes with every issue.
David: (surprised) Does it, really? I had no idea.
Dorian: You've gotten paranoid. It's not attractive.
David: (scandalized) What? I'm not attractive?
Dorian: (about Hugh) Well, I understand he is the new hot, most eligible bachelor in town. Maybe you should do a story about him, too. Mm-hmm?
David: Now, that's a great idea. Why don't we position that story right next to the story about sexy, sneaky fiancees who want everything they can get?
[Dorian tries to get David to believe that she has given Blair many ideas for "Craze" magazine before]
David: Oh, Dorian, stop the charade. You are a horrible actress.
Dorian: You are going to eat your words when you hear just how many brilliant ideas I have given Blair for that magazine.
David: Oh, sure, because Blair has never been known to confirm one of your lies before.
David: (to Dorian) Look at this. Does this look like a stupid face to you? Don't you answer that question.
[Dorian tells David that the data disk she has was given to her by their wedding planner]
Dorian: It's got a -- a collection of processionals she wants me to look at --
David: Oh, yeah? Does it have Purcell's "Trumpet Voluntary"?
Dorian: I have no idea.
David: It's my favorite processional.
[David's cell phone starts ringing...he checks the caller ID]
David: (to Dorian) It's the crack security team over at "Craze." (mimicking the security guards) "The lights are out. What should we do?"
Dorian: (about Todd) Oh, I just detest that man.
David: But you cover your feelings so well.
[Dorian is writing out the names of the guests for the place cards at the wedding reception]
Dorian: I think we should begin with Viki Davidson, my matron of honor.
David: Victoria Lord Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson.
Dorian: That is awesome.
Dorian: You're brilliant.
David: You're the one who made me do all the homework on her.
Dorian: Oh. Now, then -- okay, why don't we just keep it simple. We'll make it "Victoria Davidson."
David: Brilliant idea. Save on paper.
[Dorian wants to know what Spencer's middle name is so she can have it written on his place card for the reception]
David: Spencer Vito Truman.
David: Spencer Vito Truman.
Dorian: You know, if you're not going to take our wedding seriously, I ask you, why should I?
David: Don't get so mad.
Dorian: Oh, it's too late for that.
David: All right. Spencer's middle name is Bradley, same as mine. My parents were not very imaginative.
[David, fed up with questions Dorian's asking about his past, starts to ramble pointlessly about random aspects of his childhood]
David: And my kindergarten teacher -- don't remember her name, but she was very foxy.
David: Old man Mongol lived on the corner. He used to threw quarters into the swimming pool and watch the kids jump in after them. Come to think of it, he was pretty creepy. And then Mrs. Walker drove the school bus. She had a cluster of melanomas on her face in the shape of the Spice Islands. Anything else you want to know about my childhood?
Dorian: At this point, no. Silly, I want to know everything. Like, for instance, oh, honey, did you and Spencer have any pets?
David: All right, I think that's it. I don't think it's important to know if Spencer and I had a dog named Scooter or a cat named Bloomers.
Dorian: How about a goldfish?
David: (to Dorian) I've got a suggestion. Why don't we stop working on our wedding and start working on our wedding night? Practice makes perfect, you know.
Dorian: How about a little sorbet? You know how I like something sweet before I go to bed.
David: Sorbet? We just ate. I'm full as a wood tick.
David: Is something wrong?
Dorian: No. Why do you ask?
David: Well, you're sitting here like you just lost your best friend, and I know that's not the case, because I'm standing immediately to your left.
Dorian: I had a little fight with Adriana.
David: Uh-oh. What about?
Dorian: Oh, well, what is it mothers and daughters usually fight about?
David: Which Rambo film was the best?
Dorian: (about her fight with Adriana) I don't even really remember what we did fight about.
David: Well, whatever it was, I'm sure that you are completely blameless, you two are that much closer for it, and you made Adriana an even better person.
Dorian: I would like to know, pray tell, what you were doing rifling through the contents of my purse.
David: Looking for my allowance.
[David has found a key in Dorian's posession]
David: My brother was missing his key not long ago. Do you remember that? And now this shows up in your purse. If that's a coincidence, then I'm not the tallest man in Llanview. Except for Spencer -- and Asa. (thinking aloud) Is Kevin taller than me?
Dorian: (on the phone with Spencer) No -- no, it's a date, firm. Thank you, Spencer. All right, bye-bye. (hanging up the phone) Ah. My, oh, my. Is your brother always so full of surprises?
David: (with feigned enthusiasm) Can I go to the cooking class, too?
Dorian: Oh, stop it.
David: (on his plans for their honeymoon destination) I don't want to disappoint you.
Dorian: Darling, as long as you are with me on our honeymoon, I could never be disappointed.
David: Mm-hmm. Would that were really true.
[Dorian asks David how he knew she was hiding in Spencer's office]
David: How did I know you were here? Let's see -- maybe it was the eau de $400 perfume that you spritzed all over yourself.
David: (to Dorian) You have insinuated Spencer so deeply into our personal lives that you have reduced us to dueling cat burglars.
[Still in Spencer's office...]
David: What are you looking for here, Dorian?
Dorian: What are you looking for, David?
David: I asked you first.
David: Cat -- cop -- I'm out of here.
[Dorian has just finished ranting over the fact that Kelly may be trying to get pregnant with Kevin's child]
David: (to Dorian) Now, for the record, I really liked that "propagate the Buchanan dynasty," but that hand gesture that puncated it? Seemed a little rehearsed.
David: Look at us. We both sneak in here, we catch each other red-handed, and we still got secrets from each other. If this is the beginning of a marriage --
Dorian: No. It's just a curve in the road, that's all.
David: This curve has a wide ass, baby.
Dorian: And we have an agreement that we are going to be completely honest and truthful with each other so that we can get married on November 1?
David: D-day. D&D day. November 1.
[David and Dorian are about to leave Spencer's office, when...]
David: (to Dorian) Spencer's not due back in this room for about 3 1/2 hours. What do you say we christen the couch?
[Paige tells Dorian and David that she has to be getting back to the hospital]
Dorian: (referring to Paige being the new chief of staff) When I held that position, I hardly left the hospital.
David: Yeah, except for when she was running around the globe looking for treasure.
Dorian: (gives David a "look")
David: (to Paige) I mean, she's a lot better at your job than you currently are.
[Dorian is suspicious of Paige and David's conversation]
Dorian: Do I need to be worried?
David: She's no competition.
David: She's a lightweight. She's blond, after all. You know, I bet that hospital is kicking itself for not letting you run things.
Dorian: And I'm a better kisser.
David: That you are.
Dorian: Are you telling me you have kissed Paige?
David: Now, you see, that's what you get for trying to entrap me. That thing doesn't work on me.
David: (to Spencer) You know what you should've realized when you were studying Dorian all that time is that she would walk through fire for her family. And she would certainly step on anyone who tried to harm them.
David: (to Spencer) You know, I tried to control Dorian once. That's how I lost this finger.
Dorian: How can you just keep eating like that?
David: It's a restaurant. I'm hungry.
Dorian: We'll, I've lost my appetite.
David: Oh, well, in that case, can I have some of this?
[Dorian worries over a special medical procedure Kelly wants to have done that will allow her to become pregnant with Kevin's baby]
Dorian: Even Kevin thinks it's a bad idea, and we know the Buchanans. Any chance they can get to sow their seed --
David: I'm eating here.
Dorian: I can't stand it. Kelly having a child with that selfish, soulless egomaniac --
David: Hmm, okay. So there's the rub. See, if it was Prince William's baby -- or even Harry's -- you wouldn't have half as much problem with this, would you?
[Dorian wants to go after Spencer]
David: He is my brother. Leave him to me.
Dorian: But, David --
David: There's no buts here, okay? I'm the one who wears the pants in this family -- from time to time. Don't make me get neanderthal on you.
Dorian: This is supposed to be my night, all right, and I am not going to let Viki tarnish another special time in my life.
David: Yeah, the nerve of her. Just because you told her daughter was insane?
Dorian: David, honey, it was your idea that she be my matron of honor.
David: Dorian, that was sarcasm, kind of like -- (turning to address Spencer) "Spencer, I'm so glad you moved to Llanview. You are the best big brother a guy could have." Kind of like that.
Dorian: Honey, how can you possibly eat at a time like this?
David: Did you know that "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"? I read that on a pillow somewhere.
David: (offering Dorian some food) Muffin?
Dorian: That's a cream puff!
David: You know, you make it extremely difficult to enjoy eating while you're doing that.
Dorian: Doing what?
David: Pacing. You're making me seasick.
Dorian: Honey, you've got cream in the corner of your mouth. (David tries to wipe it off) The other side. (David tries again) The other, other side.
David: Did I mention that I've planned a centerfold layout of you and me as bride and groom in the next issue of "Craze"?
Dorian: We'll be fabulous.
David: Now, just so you know, I've instructed the press to sit on the right side of the festivities, because after exhaustive interviews with the interns at "Craze," I've concluded that my right side is my best side.
Dorian: My left side is my best. You see? We were made for each other.
David: Perfect. I think I might marry you even if the paparazzi doesn't show up.
David: I decided that I'm going to be taking your last name instead of you taking my last name -- Mr. David Lord.
David: Sounds like I own some castles.
David: Picture this. After a very moving, yet spectacular and touching ceremony --
Dorian: And it has to be all of that.
David: Oh, I was just kidding. I don't really care if the flowers wilt, the cake collapses, and the candles catch the drapes on fire.
Dorian: I have a million things left to do. One, I have to get my hair done. Two, my makeup done. Three, I've got to pull together what is left of my bridal party.
David: That's not a million items. That's three items. What happened to the other 999-- nine, six -- how much is a million minus three?
Dorian: We don't have time to do math now.
David: Carry the one --
Dorian: Stop it. I have a million-minus-three things left to do.
Dorian: We are going to have one heck of a wedding.
David: One heck of a wedding, one heck of a marriage and one hell of a life.
[Dorian calls David on their wedding day]
David: Why are you calling me? It's bad luck.
Dorian: That's only if the groom sees the bride on the wedding day.
David: I did see you. Your picture comes up on my cell phone when you call. You've jinxed us.
David: (to Dorian) Look, you and I are getting married today even if I have to club you over the head and drag you back to my cave. Well, technically, it's your cave, but you get the idea.
David: (to Dorian) You sound stressed. You should try binging on canapes. It helps relieve the pain.
[Dorian calls David from her bridal suite and asks him to find the Cramer girls for her]
Dorian: Do you see them anywhere downstairs?
David: Only Carlotta.
Dorian: Thank heaven. Send her up. The woman can work miracles with just about anything.
David: Ah, it looks like she's got her hands full. Jack's trying to escape from his bow tie without actually loosening it. Hey, do you think it's bad luck if the great-nephew tries to kill himself on the wedding day?
Dorian: Oh, never mind. I'll call someone else.
[Dorian is shocked when David tries to leave her at the alter]
Dorian: Baby, I've always been able to tell when you were lying to me.
David: Not always.
Dorian: You listen to me. You know that we were meant for each other, and nothing, nothing you could ever say will make me believe that you have changed your mind.
David: Let it go. Let me go. In the long run, you will have done yourself a very big favor.
Dorian: None of this is making any sense, so I am just going to have to assume that you are having the worst case of cold feet ever, in the history of the world, okay?
David: (to Spencer) This is going to sound corny to you, but I knew I found a soul mate in Dorian the first time we watched a movie together. We both realized we were rooting for the villain. You see, it's our imperfections that brought us together.
[David explains what Spencer used to blackmail him into leaving Dorian at the alter]
David: It happened when I was working for my father. The events that led up to it are not important. What is important is I killed a man.
Dorian: You, a murderer?
David: I was hoping that I would never have to tell you.
Dorian: I am not going to condone or condemn. What I am trying to fathom here is why you would permit your guilty conscience to implode on our wedding day!
David: (to Kevin) Are you aware that if you and Kelly have a baby it will be a Buchanan? Do you know what that will do to Dorian? She will make Kelly's life hell, and I know a thing or two about Dorian and hell.
[Dorian demands to know what David said to Kevin at Capricorn]
David: I attempted to shed some light on what I believe to be the Buchanan character.
Dorian: Which would be what?
David: The word "arrogance" came up.
Dorian: Ha. I wish I had been there.
David: I wish you'd been there, too. You know, it was fun when we were on the frontlines together.
Dorian: Do not drive in this condition. You are smashed.
David: "Are not. Haven't heard the click." That's what drunk people say.
David: You enjoying yourself, boozing it up with the Buchanan's? Last week martinis with Asa, today wine with Clint. Maybe tomorrow you'll enjoy a pitcher of margaritas with Bo at the hospital.
Dorian: Por que no? Sounds like a lovely idea.
David: Yeah, and at this rate, you'll be pimping out your girls to the next cowpoke holding a branding iron.
David: You're not fooling anybody. You hate the Buchanan's.
Dorian: I hate being left at the altar. But you know, it is so amazing how public hmiliation can just k
nd of give you a new perspective on things.
David: Oh, I know what this is. This is that "neighbor of my best friend's enemy" thing you're always talking about.
David: (to Spencer) As much as Dorian and I appreciate everything you've done for our relationship, I think we can handle this on our own.
Dorian: Yes, David is perfectly capable of crashing and burning on his own.
David: And as for you, if you want to play the fool to the entire Buchanan wagon train, you can be my guest.
Dorian: And what business is it of yours if I find that I now prefer to associate with rich, powerful, grown-up men?
Spencer: Wow, that was a low blow.
David and Dorian: Shut up!
David: (pointing upwards) Look at that.
David: That is mistletoe.
Dorian: David, that isn't mistletoe. It's a pine tree.
David: Where do you think mistletoe comes from?
Dorian: Mistletoe can grow on any tree. It's a parasite, just like you.
Dorian: Pardon me for asking, but, David, what are you doing in this neighborhood?
David: Well, I'm staying at the Angel Square Hotel till I get a better offer. What's your excuse?
Dorian: I was delivering presents to the Vegas -- earrings and a gift certificate to a health spa for Carlotta, and, oh, yes, cashmere sweaters, originally intended for someone else, for Antonio and Cristian.
David: You gave my cashmere sweaters to the Vega's?
David: (addressing Dorian's driver) Edwards. How's the rolls running, old man? Got yourself a pair of new shoes? What are you looking at? Edwards?
Dorian: Edwards has been instructed not to acknowledge your existence. So has the entire staff at La Boulaie. You are persona non grata.
David: Come on, Dorian, it's not like I'm dead.
Dorian: Oh? You are to me.
David: I admit it, I made a mistake. I chose not going to jail over marrying you, but Spencer was talking about sending me up for murder. I panicked.
Dorian: Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you tell me about it? We could have handled it, David. But instead, you kept it from me, just as you have in the past, just as you will in the future, because you will never change.
David: You're right, I will never change. I will never stop loving you.
David: Look, I may have made bad choices. That doesn't mean that you have to make bad choices, too. You could choose to forgive me.
Dorian: And why should I do that?
David: Because it's the season.
Dorian: How do you know that, David, from some Christmas card somebody sent you? I doubt it, because you're a pariah in this town and nobody sends you anything.
David: That's not true. I have friends. I have lots of friends.
Dorian: Name one.
David: Paige Miller. Paige Miller told me I should talk to you, that I should beg your forgiveness, throw myself on your mercy. She said I should get down on one knee if necessary.
Dorian: Dr. Miller told you to do that?
David: I don't know, it may have been Renee.
David: You won't forgive me, but you'll give a Christmas present to Viki, who you hate?
Dorian: Viki never broke my heart.
[Dorian and Clint are spending New Year's together when they run into David and Spencer]
Dorian: Well, Happy New Year, Spencer...David.
David: Happy New Year, Dorian...Clint. (turning to Spencer) Well, lucky you. There's one Buchanan you won't have to destroy. My girl Dorian's going to take care of that for you.