"Match, Centrum, and Equal" -- David & Dorian (2004)
Dorian: (holds out her hand to shake David's) Happy new year, David.
David: I save you from years in Statesville, and you offer me a handshake? Is that any way to say thank you?
Dorian: I already said thank you.
David: Well, then consider this "you're welcome." (he kisses her)
[David has returned the diamond necklace to Dorian]
Dorian: I'm really surprised you didn't try to keep this.
David: Yeah, well, it doesn't really go with any of my outfits, so...
Dorian: And now Adriana has gone missing. Why can't I protect my girls?
David: (laughs) Adriana is already one of your girls? You got to be careful. You're starting to believe your own material.
David: Dorian, you of all people should know that the linchpin to any well-constructed plan is to know when to abort it.
[Dorian needs to have a moment alone with Carlotta]
Dorian: David, could you please, please leave us alone? Thank you.
David: By all means.
Dorian: And, David dear, would you close the doors behind you?
David: Yeah, not your butler.
Dorian: Oh, and what good would you do me in Puerto Rico?
David: That island can be awfully romantic, Dorian. You and I could go down there, we could find Adriana together and, oh, I don't know, maybe get married.
Dorian: Or join the circus.
David: Admit it, we're good together, plus we suffer from the same affliction.
David: An insatiable lust for cash.
David: (to Dorian) Now, you may not know this about me because I keep it pretty close to the vest, but I'm fairly high-maintenance.
[David, who is stuck at Dorian's house with Starr, Addie, and Viki, leaves a message on Dorian's cell phone]
David: Hey, Dorian, it's me. I just wanted to -- I just wanted to know how the weather is down there in Puerto Rico, and to see if you found Adriana yet. Could you please get back here quickly? The inmates are taking over the asylum.
[Yet another phone call to Dorian]
David: Oh, this is one happy household. (pause) Of course I'm joking.
David: You sound crankier than usual.
Dorian: And why wouldn't I be? I couldn't get a direct flight and the only seat I could get is in coach.
David: Coach? That's a four-letter word.
[River accuses Dorian of lying about being Adriana's mother in order to secure Aunt Betsy's millions]
David: River, do you really think that little of your grandmother?
Dorian: David, we don't use the "g" word here.
David: Right, sorry.
Dorian: Little Adriana actually seemed devastated at the news I was her mother.
David: Yeah, I guess so. (studying a car catalog) Hey, do you think I should order this in black, silver, or red?
Dorian: I could only admit this to you, but actually I feel guilty lying to that girl about her true parentage.
David: Oh, yeah, tricking her into inheriting $30 million is a really rotten thing to do.
Dorian: Some people don't think money is everything.
David: People we respect? Look, you're basically being a guardian angel to this girl. One day she's going to look at you and say, "Thank God Dorian kept her eye on the loot."
David: Marry me, Dorian.
Dorian: No, I won't marry you. Neither will my $30 million.
David: All right. Have sex with me, then.
Dorian: Been there, done that. Too dangerous.
David: Too dangerous for you? I don't think so.
Dorian: Let's face it, my entire family is a disaster. I mean, Blair is a total mess. I mean -- and that's Todd's fault -- and Kevin's. Come to think of it, I get home from Puerto Rico and -- and I find out that Kelly really is pregnant. She's not just faking it. And what do I do? I go and lose myself in meaningless sex.
David: Ow. Twist the knife a little deeper, why don't you?
David: You and I are good together. We're the real deal. Admit it, you genuinely like me. You're just -- you don't trust yourself.
Dorian: I don't trust you. When and if I ever do, maybe I'll let you know.
David: Yeah, well, maybe I'll still be here.
[The phone is ringing and Dorian is ignoring it]
David: Whom are we avoiding?
Dorian: Aunt Betsy. She keeps calling about Adriana.
David: Aunt Betsy has been threatening her own demise for months. She can wait until the trial's over.
Dorian: Wait for $30 million? David, am I really talking to you?
David: Well, I want you to be focused on the plan when you see Aunt Betsy. And besides, her money is accruing interest.
[David and Dorian managed to stop Adriana and River from getting married]
Dorian: I'm telling you, that was a close call. If River hadn married her, if Aunt Betsy had disinherited her --
David: Then that little sneak, Paul, would've gotten all of our money.
Dorian: Adriana's money.
David: Oh, right. Sorry.
David: We'll always be one step ahead of your greedy little nephew.
Dorian: Protecting Adriana.
David: He's really no match for the two of us, is he? In fact, no one is. It's really kind of pathetic.
Dorian: It looks like you took a stone out of my necklace without my permission and you had it made into a traditional engagement ring.
David: I never could get anything past you, could I?
Dorian: David --
David: (kneeling on the ground) All right, look, I'm not a traditionalist, all right? God knows you aren't either, so -- all right, I -- uh -- look, this hurts my back. Why do guys do this? Could you please help me up?
[Aunt Betsy is dead and Dorian is calling the authorities]
Dorian: (on the phone) Oh, she is here. Yes, at my home, La Boulaie. What do you mean you've never heard of it? It's one of the oldest estates in Llanview. It's a fine --
David: Dorian -- big picture.
Dorian: 202 Lincoln Avenue.
David: Aunt Betsy got to me, okay? Thinking of all those years that she went without -- look, when she asked me for one simple kiss, Dorian, how could I deny her?
Dorian: Of course. You being the selfless, generous person that you are.
David: Well --
Dorian: And you earned her eternal gratitude.
Dorian: Plus, you got the spiritual gratification of fulfilling an old woman's dying wish.
Dorian: How much?
David: A million bucks.
[David might be a suspect in Aunt Betsy's death]
Dorian: I could end up being your key defense witness -- your only witness. You don't have many friends.
David: I've never understood that. I'm such a people person.
David: I thought that medical examiner would never sign Aunt Betsy's death certificate. Hey, would it be considered bad taste to frame this?
[Dorian's angry that Kevin is paying too much attention to Blair]
Dorian: Kelly is risking her life to have that man's child, and what is he doing? He's sitting by Blair's bedside, holding her hand!
David: We'd better get you some caffeine. You're not wound up enough.
[David wants Dorian to marry him immediately]
David: Come on, you've been wearing that ring for weeks now.
Dorian: Weeks is not a long engagement.
David: What's the point of a long engagement? We've known each other for years. We were even married once.
Dorian: With disastrous results.
David: All right, everything's just about set for the wedding.
Dorian: David, I told you, I want a great, big, marvelous wedding. I don't want to go running off to some Justice of the Peace in the middle of who knows where.
David: Well, I've reserved St. James. I put a deposit on The Palace ballroom. Oprah's segment producer hasn't gotten back to me yet.
David: I love you.
Dorian: Let me count the ways, all 30 million of them.
David: Ah -- 29 million. Don't forget, Aunt Betsy left me a cool million all my own.
Dorian: Ooh, I don't even want to revisit the reason why.
David: Yeah, I don't want to, either. I try to block it out.
[David and Dorian are talking about how to invest Adriana's money]
Dorian: I say we should put it in mutual funds.
David: Hey, I got a hot tip on cattle futures. Mad cow disease isn't that big a deal, right?
[David defended Dorian to River]
Dorian: Thank you for defending me.
David: Well, I'm not just going to stand there and let him cast aspersions on your fine taste in husbands.
David: A relationship is based on trust. And even though I temporarily stole that from you, you could always trust that I was going to give it back.
[Dorian wants David to get a job before the wedding]
Dorian: There are lots of good jobs listed in the paper. I've circled some of the most interesting ones.
David: You know, most men wouldn't even stand for this.
Dorian: Most men already have jobs.
[Adriana is telling the lawyer for Aunt Betsy's estate that she wants to use her money to build a hospital]
David: (to Dorian) Would you do something!
Dorian: David? Get a grip.
David: Would you get rid of that lawyer? And tell your daughter that charity starts at home.
David: I mailed our wedding invitations.
Dorian: You mailed our wedding invitations? Really? So soon?
David: Yeah, I drew the little hearts on the envelopes.
Dorian: I want to be taken seriously.
David: I do take you seriously.
Dorian: Not just by you, okay? By all of Llanview, by the world. And you've got to admit, your status is a bit questionable.
Dorian: I've got to meet the Chief of Staff of the hospital. He wants to talk to me about a position there. You know what this means?
David: Free tetanus shots?
David: The R.S.V.P.s are pouring in!
Dorian: Yes? Who's accepted?
David: Well, I'll tell you. (looking at his clipboard) There's -- I'm sure we're going to have a yes by the end of today.
Dorian: I was so hoping that he wanted me to be a medical doctor again.
David: Yeah, me, too. I sure like the sound of "Dr. Dorian Vickers."
David: (to River) You may not understand, but Dorian and I -- she's my match, she's my centrum, and she's my equal. In fact, if I were a woman, I would probably BE Dorian!
[River has just shown up at David and Dorian's wedding]
Adriana: I thought you weren't coming.
River: I wasn't, but I -- Dorian, I figured I really would appreciate it if you stood behind me and Adriana, so who am I to judge your taste in men?
David: (to Andrew) How do I take that? (pause, looks around) I *paid* for these candles. Please light them.
Dorian: David, I've thought about this long and hard.
David: You still think that I want to marry you for your $30 million?
Dorian: Adriana could hear you.
David: I don't care who hears me! I do not want to marry you for your money. I want to marry you because you are the only woman on the planet who doesn't bore me!
Dorian: Why is getting married so important to you?
David: Why is -- why did you suddenly change the name of your home to La Boulaie?
Dorian: Because I wanted to get the respect I finally deserve.
David: Exactly. That is exactly what I want. You know what everybody says about me around here, that I'm a grifter, a con artist.
Dorian: You are.
David: Not when it comes to you and me. I am so tired of everybody in this town telling me that I'm full of it.
Dorian: David, getting married's not going to change that.
David: Yeah, but it'll show everybody that we take each other seriously, and they'll just have to deal with it.
Dorian: Oh, they'll say we're crazy.
David: Since when do you give a damn about what anybody thinks about you? Come on. Let's show the world we mean business.
Dorian: Business? No, I thought this was about true love.
David: No, I'm not -- not "business" business -- would you just marry me, damn it?
David: You must be so concerned that someone's going to come in and take all that money, that you're depriving yourself of your own happiness. You know what you're doing? You are essentially choosing money over love.
Dorian: What if I just don't want to get married?
David: Well, I do! And I could make you happy if you just -- if you weren't so hung up on your bank account that you'd let me do it. I love you. But if you can't accept the fact that I'm telling you the truth, then one day you are going to wake up and realize all you have left is 30 million cold, lonely dollar bills.
Dorian: I don't know what to do.
David: Then marry me!
Dorian: You are like a broken record!
David: You know, everything is perfect. You're wearing that gorgeous ring that I gave you. Why the hell won't you just say yes?
Dorian: Because I'm starting to fall in love with you.
David: You won't marry me because you love me? Yeah, that's crazy, even for a Cramer.
Dorian: David, can you promise me that you're never going to leave me? Can you promise me you are never going to throw me over for another woman?
David: I promise -- as long as she's not worth $40 million.
David: Where you and I are going, you're not going to need a coat. Warm ocean breezes wafting over us --
David: Swaying palm trees --
Dorian: Oh. If you're trying to seduce me --
David: Sipping mai tais on the beach, just you and me.
Dorian: Hmm -- it's not going to work.
David: You rubbing suntan lotion on my skin. Me enjoying it. You shimmying up a coconut tree to fetch me a coconut. Me enjoying it.
David: Making love on the beach under the stars until the blue, crimson, and pink sunrise. Making love on the beach all day long until the bright --
[the phone starts ringing]
David: orange sun dips behind the --
[the phone continues to ring]
David: Oh, come on! I'm painting a picture here!
Dorian: David, don't you understand how important this hospital position is to me?
David: I understand how important it is, but getting out of here is also important to us. We got to get away from all this madness at Crème Brule.
Dorian: Can you cut a deal with the fates?
David: Are you kidding? I'm on a first-name basis with the fates. They're like putty in my hands.
Dorian: The moonlight on the water is just spectacular.
David: At these prices, it better be spectacular. Thank God you're rich.
Dorian: I think Ramona and Cesar may be trying to avoid us. Every time I call, the line's busy.
David: Well, maybe she likes making prank phone calls.
Dorian: Well, I have to say I'm a little disappointed.
David: Imagine how the groom felt.
David: I couldn't pull a dirty trick on you now if I tried.
Dorian: Oh, David, that's the sweetest thing you ever said to me.
David: It is? I got to start saying some sweeter things to you.
Dorian: Oh, David, come on! We are not married yet!
David: Yeah, well, down with technicalities, up with traditions!
[Dorian is worried that Antonio will start snooping around Adriana's inheritance]
Dorian: I mean, with a new inheritance like this, if he gets suspicious and can manage to get the account audited, we could be in trouble.
David: Trouble? Nobody with this much money gets in any kind of trouble.
[Dorian has disappeared and David has hired a PI to look for her]
PI: Checked the airports, trains, and buses.
David: Dorian, take a bus? That I would pay to see.
David: You may have avoided my question last night at the hospital, but then we come back here to the hotel and you flagrantly use sex to avoid answering my question again.
Dorian: I believe I did it again this morning.
David: Yes, you did. And though it was very good, I've got a limit.
David: Hey, baby.
Dorian: David. Following me around everywhere, as promised?
David: Girls like that. Shows devotion.
Dorian: It's not like you to be so patient about our getting married.
David: Well, you told me someone might get killed if we get married, and I, for the first time in my life, have way too much to live for.
Dorian: Stop trying reverse psychology. You'll only confuse yourself.
David: (to Dorian) Just tell me the truth about Adriana. You know what? Don't even bother answering that question. You know why? Because I have spent time with that girl. She is a knockout, she's got a brain, and she does whatever she wants. She has to be a Cramer woman.
[David is accusing Dorian of cheating on him with Adriana's father, Miguel Santi]
David: Am I too tame for you? Huh? You had to go back to scary Mr. Whoever the Hell he is and relive Adriana's conception?
Dorian: David, you have no reason to be jealous.
David: Really? Let's see, you slip a mickey into my drink and then you fly away to some exotic-sounding country -- which I can't find on a map, by the way -- and all the while, all I can think about when my head isn't pounding from the drug-induced hangover is that you were falling into the arms of some mysterious old lover.
Dorian: I love that you're jealous!
David: I'm glad one of us is enjoying this.
Dorian: Honestly, I wasn't with another man, I swear.
David: You swear on what?
Dorian: I swear on my desk, on the family pictures, on the statue, on -- (seeing an expensive-looking silver candlestick poking out of David's bag) ...My candlestick in your luggage?
David: (mock surprise) What's your candlestick doing in my luggage!?
Dorian: Never mind.
Dorian: I must admit I was skeptical. I didn't think you'd be able to keep a job for a day, let alone work for Kevin and Blair. I was sure that was doomed.
David: Is there a compliment coming somewhere down the road?
Dorian: I do love you, but I'm not going to marry you unless you trust me.
David: I can't trust you if you don't tell me the truth, or at the very least, a plausible lie.
[Dorian tells David that if they get married, someone will die]
David: Just tell me who it is who might be killed. It isn't you, is it? Is it me? Oh, my God, it is me, isn't it? Someone who's jealous wants to have me murdered.
Dorian: You're really very, very sweet.
David: "Sweet"? Don't patronize me.
Dorian: I'm not patronizing you. David, please, can we just not talk about this tonight?
David: Fine. Just go home, I'll write a new column. "Engagement Craze -- find out what your fiancée is hiding from you."
David: I'm going to tell you something privately, in confidence, and if you ever tell anyone, I will deny it. I actually like working. If I knew it was going to be this much fun, I would've taken it up a lot sooner.
Dorian: Hmm. If you had, then you wouldn't have had the contacts that you do so that you could start at the top.
David: I wonder if starting at the bottom would be as hellacious as waiting for you to set a wedding date.
David: What am I supposed to tell all of my friends when they ask me, "Hey, when's your wedding date?" It's embarrassing.
Dorian: What friends?
David: Watch it.
Dorian: David, I think you've been watching too many TV wedding shows.
David: It's research!
Dorian: Furthermore, once again, you've been stealing from me.
David: What? I'm not stealing from you. Other than the ring, that diamond, and the candlestick, I haven't stolen anything from you in a long time.
[Dorian accuses David of stealing $2,500 from her safe]
David: Hmm. So I stole cab fare from the woman I'm madly in love with, the woman who happens to be worth 30 million-plus, despite the fact that I'm asking her to share her stocks and her bonds, her house and her home, despite the fact that I sold my irresistible lip lock to Aunt Betsy for a cool million of my own.
Dorian: You killed Aunt Betsy.
David: Yes, I did. I am that good.
[Dorian has just told David that she's still married to Adriana's father]
Dorian: You couldn't just leave it alone, could you? I could have gotten an annulment, and you never would have known about it.
David: Well, I think I deserve to know a thing or two about my fiancée. Her marital status, for example.
[David finds Adriana and River making out in Dorian's living room]
David: Hey, hey, hey! Break it up. Nobody christens "La Boulaie" before Dorian and I get our shot at it.
[an irate David has tracked Dorian to a hotel room in Puerto Rico]
David: Open up, Dorian! Open this door! I know you're in there! If you don't open the door, I will break it down!
Dorian: (opens door) David, for goodness sakes, will you calm down! You're going to disturb the entire hotel!
David: (walks in) Thank goodness. I could have really hurt my shoulder. (spies food) Hey, look -- grapes.
[Dorian tells David that her former husband is dead...a very giddy David thinks *she* killed him]
Dorian: David, listen to me. I did not kill Adriana's father.
David: Oh, right, right. We'll play it that way until you're safely out of the country.
Dorian: No, no, no. I really mean it.
David: Yes, and I should probably provide you with an excellent alibi, and if you go to trial, I will be right there. And if you go to jail for murder, I promise you, I will be there the day that you get released.
Dorian: Oh, that is so sweet.
David: I know why you did this. You did this so that you and I could finally be husband and wife. They understand crimes of passion down here.
Dorian: I did not kill Manuel Santi.
David: Manuel Santi?
David: "El Toro" Santi?!
Dorian: Yeah, that's him -- that was him.
David: You were married to the most notorious drug lord this side of --
Dorian: Briefly, but I didn't kill him.
David: Well, as long as somebody did. Did he ever happen to know my name? Not that it matters now, but...
[back safe at La Boulaie]
David: Thank God we escaped San Juan! El Toro es muerto!
Dorian: David --
Dorian: Keep your voice down.
David: Why? I'm excited to be alive.
Dorian: It made me think that every day of life is very, very precious and that I shouldn't waste it, especially not playing games with someone that I love. (pause) Oh, dear. Did I say something...?
David: I wasn't talking.
David: (about Adriana) She really is your daughter, isn't she?
Dorian: Yes, she is.
David: Then we should do something really nice for her. Maybe use some of her 30 million on the biggest wedding Llanview's ever seen.
David: Dorian, I love you. I would never think about sleeping with anyone other than you.
David: Well, I might think about it.
Dorian: (to River) Of course Adriana's my daughter. We have the DNA test to prove it.
David: Got two of them!
[Dorian is trying to explain to Adriana and River why the money Adriana got from Aunt Betsy is gone]
Dorian: The problem was Aunt Betsy put most of the money in one stock. That's a terrible mistake to make. You're supposed to diversify --
David: Lose the lesson. Give them the goods.
Dorian: The point is the stock tanked, my dear, and because of the way Aunt Betsy's trust was set up, David and I -- our hands were tied.
David: How incredibly stupid is that, huh?
Dorian: (referring to Adriana) Do you think she's going to be all right?
David: What, are you kidding? She doesn't even care about the money, much less being the Santi drug heiress.
Dorian: Shh! Don't say that! Please! I mean, if she is in any way connected with the Santi family, it could cost that child her life. The less those people know about her and the less she knows about them, the better off she'll be.
David: Well put, wise Widow Santi.
Dorian: What did you mean earlier when you said two DNA tests?
David: You knew I was sending out samples from your hairbrush. Even a lab on the internet says that Adriana's your kid.
Dorian: Of course she is. Are you telling me you didn't believe me?
David: No. And it was very sneaky of you to tell me the truth. I'm not used to that.
David: I know what you're up to. You're going to run off, and you're going to find where Manuel Santi hid his 100 million illegal dollars.
Dorian: You know me so well. It's almost comforting.
David: (insulted) I'm not a household pet.
David: You know, by this point, Dorian, when you look into a mirror, it's probably my reflection you see looking back at you.
Dorian: Hm. What a bizarre thought.
[David is leaving a frantic voicemail message for Dorian after realizing that he has led a Santi hit-man straight to her]
David: Dorian, it's me. This is message number five tonight. Look, I didn't want to leave this on your voicemail, but if you get this -- and I sure as hell hope that you do -- get out of Mendorra as soon as humanly possible. You might want to keep that little gun nearby. Look, if you run into a man who's -- well, he's about -- his hair is -- well, he's sort of nondescript. But if you run into him, run the other way, all right?
David: (to Dorian on the phone) I have left about a million messages for you. I'm on a first-name basis with half the population of Mendorra!
David: (on the phone with Dorian) I'm at Ultra Violet. No, I'm not partying...I'm researching an article for Craze. Now, tell me where you are. Cannes, France? Well, I guess that's okay. As long as you're not in Mendorra. That's where the Santi family thugs think you are. But what are you going to find in Cannes except maybe a bunch of cranky French people giving you the bug-eye?
David: (on the phone with Dorian) Bonjour, ma cherie. How are you doing, Dorian, my one and only...? (puts his hand over the phone and gestures at the bar-tender) Hey, I'd like to send four shots to those two girls. Something cheap.
David: (on the phone with Dorian) Well, I tell you what -- why don't I come join you on the Italian Riviera and we make "bellisima musica"? (pause) You know, I'm getting a little tired of hearing you say no. (hangs up the phone pissily)
[Dorian tells David that she has just been made the hospital chief of staff]
David: Well, congratulations. I can just see you there at work cracking the whip, but then again I've seen you at home cracking the whip.
[Dorian tells David that Aunt Betsy's money is gone]
David: I don't believe you, Dorian. I worked hard for that money, and if that money was really gone, you'd be lying in bed with an ice pack and a cocktail shaker.
David: (to Dorian) I always tell you the truth now. No more secrets. Except for the ones you want me to keep. You know, you are the only person in my life that I actually trust. What a concept, huh?
[Dorian shows David some numbers on the back of Manuel Santi's brooch]
Dorian: I think that Manny had them engraved in there.
David: I don't need to hear your nicknames for him.
[Dorian tells David that she hurt her ankle while tripping in her high-heels]
David: Are you sure you didn't break anything?
Dorian: Just my dignity. I was mortified.
David: Well, I would guess so. It's my understanding that every Cramer woman receives her first pair of heels right after she takes her first steps.
[David doesn't believe Dorian's story about tripping]
David: If you really fell down the stairs, you would have made up a lie.
Dorian: What makes you say that?
David: Because it would kill you if people thought that you were clumsy.
Dorian: That's ridiculous.
David: I need to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth -- and don't lie because I'll know it. Who did this to you? Because I swear to God, I'm going to kill them.
[Dorian and David are about to dine with Tico Santi]
Dorian: I need you to be on your best behavior.
David: Well, when am I not?
David: (to Dorian about Tico) It's a wonder his name is Augustico. What, does he have a sister named Septemberica?
David: (to Dorian) Why aren't you dressed? Tico Santi's expecting us at his fancy dinner party, and if that guy thinks I'm going to be impressed by an invitation sent on 100% cotton stock -- he's right.
David: Kelly has been asleep all day long. Her doctor gave her a whopper of a sedative. She's going to be asleep all through the night. There's nothing more you can do.
Dorian: I know and that's what really upsets me.
David: Look, one upset female Cramer in the house at one time, please.
[Tico gives Dorian a gift: pearl earrings]
Dorian: Oh, my! This is extraordinary!
David: Yeah, and mucho expensivo.
Dorian: David, try to be civilized.
David: You can't try to be civilized. You either are or you aren't, and around this guy -- (gestures to Tico) I'm doing my best.
David: (to Dorian) If I'd known all it was going to take to win you over was a pair of pearl earrings, I'd have gone to the gift shop at Sea World.
[Adriana is upset and Dorian wants to cheer her up]
Dorian: Maybe I'll take her shopping.
David: Ah, the Cramer women's cure-all. That should fix things up. And if you see something that's hollering my name --
Dorian: I won't let it get away.
David: There you go.
Tico: Is everyone in Llanview this suspicious of newcomers?
Dorian: Only when they're worldly, charming, handsome, sophisticated --
David: (interrupting) Are you talking about me again? Am I blushing? (to Tico) I turn bright red when she goes on and on about me.
David: (to Dorian) Hey, I have seen Kelly go through a lot, okay, and she's always survived. Hell, she survived me. Then again, I survived her. (sees food) Hey, look -- toast.
[Dorian tried to give Tico his father's watch, but Tico turned her down...after Tico leaves...]
David: The guy says no to one ugly, old watch; you get all weak in the knees?
Dorian: David, you're jealous.
David: I'm not jealous. I got my own watch.
Dorian: You're jealous. You're jealous.
David: Nothing of the kind. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and fantasize about his sexy foster sister, Sonia. Are you jealous?
David: The custody hearing still isn't for a while, all right? We got plenty of time to make sure that Kelly doesn't look wacko on the stand.
Dorian: David, please. The preferred term of reference is "mentally unstable."
David: Well, whatever you want to call it, we're going to make sure she doesn't lose it.
Dorian: (to Adriana) Honey, is something wrong?
David: This looks like one of those conversations that I could best serve by going to the pool.
David: I've got impenetrable faith and confidence in you.
David: Yeah, I don't really know what that meant, but my heart was in the right place.
David: Duke Buchanan -- who's that?
Dorian: Kevin's son.
David: There's another Buchanan in town?
Dorian: Yes, and apparently he's staying.
David: Oh, that's just great news.
David: Now we're completely outnumbered.
David: But do you even know [Duke] yet?
Dorian: What do I need to know? He's Kevin's son.
David: As usual, your logic is up there with Aristotle's.
David: (about Duke) I'm going to make sure that he leaves Adriana alone. Maybe I should go see him right now. Is he big? Is he scary?
David: Great. Since he doesn't know me, I can get in a good sucker punch.
David: Do we like Duke or not?
Dorian: He may testify in Kelly's behalf at the custody hearing.
David: Against his own father?
Dorian: Against his own father.
David: So we're nice to him till the hearing, and then we can hate him?
Dorian: Sounds like a plan.
Dorian: If Tico did get a hold of Manuel's $100 million, he ought to be ashamed of himself.
David: My sentiments exactly. You know, it is so sad. Money like that should be shared, or stolen by those who will appreciate it.
Dorian: What did I do to deserve you?
David: I'm only after you for your money.
Dorian: I know that.
David: Now, frankly, I thought you had a whole lot more of it.
Dorian: I'll be doing better once I get a hold of the Santi millions.
David: No, hold on a second. I want you to stay away from those guys. I don't ever want to see another bruise on your beautiful body. Unless it's a hickey, from me, which is tacky, but it's a temporary tattoo of love.
Dorian: What would I do without you?
David: Well, if you'd marry me, you wouldn't have to find out!
Dorian: Please, how can you talk about our marriage at a time like this?
David: Because I want us to be one big, happy family where I'm in charge.
David: (about working at "Craze") It's just a stupid job that I got so you'd marry me. Which, by the way, you haven't done yet.
Dorian: David -- really! I'm planning it.
David: They planned the Normandy Invasion in less time.
Dorian: (about the gala that Tico is throwing) And it would be very embarrassing if all my Cramer girls weren't there.
David: Oh, well, we do not want you to be embarrassed. Not in front of Gus -- humanitarian extraordinaire, the Patron Saint of Santi. Pray for us in our hour of greed.
[David is going to escort Dorian and Kelly to Tico's gala]
David: Arriving with two goddesses on my arms? I'm going to be the talk of valet parking.
David: Hey, I really need your help. I'm doing a supplement for the December issue of "Craze."
David: Yeah, it's kind of a "buy everything at the last minute because you're lazy and thoughtless" kind of column, but I need a title. What do you think about "Taking the 'Yu' out of 'Yuletide'?
David: Well, as soon as we get our hands on all that Santi money, none of us are going to have to work.
Dorian: Yes, it's true that Kelly and I wouldn't have to work, but, you know, working is good for us.
David: It gives me a rash.
Dorian: In fact, when Manuel's millions are mine --
David: "Mine." "Mine, mine, mine." You keep saying pronouns like "I" and "me" rather than "we" and "us."
David: (to Dorian) I love you twice as much as I don't trust you. You watch your back in New York, okay? Don't go playing Starsky without Hutch.
David: Hey, you were pretty frisky last night, not to mention this morning.
Dorian: Oh, jewelry always has that effect on me.
David: What jewelry does to you, money does to me.
[David is trying to get into Dorian's safe]
David: What the -- she changed the combination on me! How subversive. I respect that.
David: I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on you. I remember what you were wearing -- bright orange, prison polyester.
Dorian: The visiting room at Statesville Prison.
David: The moment I saw you, the security guards and cinderblock walls just faded away, and all I saw was you. It was the most romantic moment of my life.
Dorian: Darling, if you were so concerned about getting rid of my gun, what is it doing right here in the drawer where I left it?
David: I got distracted, all right? Look, if you and I are going to make this marriage work --
Dorian: We're not married!
David: Which is another subject that I would like to address with you, preferably when you're not brandishing a gun.
Dorian: And now, Kelly, I want you to promise me that you will not let David make you feel like a third wheel.
David: I've never understood this "third wheel" term. Shouldn't it be "fifth wheel"?
Dorian: Viki is the one who started the rivalry! I mean, she will always try to take away anything I really care about.
David: Don't worry, she's not my type.
[Dorian has been arrested; David meets her at the police station]
David: When you called me and told me to meet you here, I thought that you'd been arrest --
Dorian: (gesturing to the nearby policemen warningly) Tst, tst, tst, tst.
David: -- For jaywalking again.
Dorian: (seeing Viki) Oh, will you look who's here.
David: Retract your talons, continue walking.
Dorian: I met Paul at the cemetery on Halloween night.
David: Was there a werewolf and a full moon, too?
Dorian: Darling, I've had to sell off those diamonds one by one. How do you think I've been paying our overhead? I mean, we're pretty high-maintenance, you know, and then the renovations at La Boulaie.
David: So we're broke?
Dorian: No. We have a liquidity problem.
David: Oh, my god, we're poor.
Dorian: Never say "poor." We're cash-challenged.
David: I think I'm getting shingles.
Dorian: I, um -- I went to Judge Hernandez's funeral, and I was standing there by her grave, looking down --
David: Trying to look pious.
David: Paul was beneath the casket?
Dorian: You don't -- you don't seem surprised.
David: Impressed, really. It's a good hiding place.
Dorian: You left for the "Craze" office so early this morning I didn't have a chance to --
David: Well, that's exactly what you get for forcing me to get a job.
Dorian: Where were you?
David: Well, on my way home, I got a flat tire. You know me and manual labor. But then I thought, "How hard can it be to change a tire?" Well, it turns out really hard. But luckily, a student from the university stopped and she changed it for me. The jack gave her some problems for a while, but she muscled through it and she fixed it. So are you proud of me?
Dorian: How did the dirt get on your jacket?
David: Well, I'm not stupid. I put it on the ground so I'd have something soft to sit on while I supervised.
David: I love you. I'll do anything for you, you know.
Dorian: Yes, I know that. And I love you, too.
David: Yeah, well, you better. You won the lottery when you found me.
[upon hearing that Dorian is under arrest for Paul's murder, David gallantly shows up at the station to "confess" in order to save her]
David: Well, I'm ready to give my statement. What happens now? Do you at least offer me a beverage? What are we waiting for?
Bo: We are waiting for one more person.
Dorian: (enters the room) Thank goodness. At last, someone's ready to hear -- David?
David: I'm sorry, honey, I'm -- I'm coming clean. I'm telling them everything. They already know that I killed Paul.
Dorian: Oh, my -- (she hits David)
Dorian: What do you think you're doing?
David: Hey, I'm doing the right think for a change, okay? I can't let you take the fall for something that I've done. (to Bo and Nora) Paul was a threat to our family. Dorian doesn't have it in her. She's too good. She didn't kill her own sister's son. I did.
Dorian: Shut up, David! And don't say anything else until you have a lawyer present!
David: Hey, let me go, baby! I don't need a lawyer! I don't need a lawyer! I am guilty, and I'm ready to stand up and take responsibility for my actions. And I know these are probably hollow words coming from a guy like me, but I got something to say. I've changed. No, I've more than changed. I used to be a -- an ugly caterpillar. But now I'm a beautiful butterfly. And do you know who's responsible for that? This woman. Dorian's love has transformed me.
Nora: (to Bo) Haven't we seen this movie?
Dorian: Couldn't you have just stayed out of it?
David: Oh, I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. My apologies. You don't need me. You're only looking at, what, 25 years to life for Murder Two?
[David and Dorian are in seperate jail cells]
David: (inspecting his lunch tray) They call this lunch? What did my dad used to call this -- something on a shingle -- what was that --?
Dorian: David! We've got other things to worry about besides food, like getting out of here.
David: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm perfectly comfortable in here. This is a four-star resort compared to the Moroccan dirt box I used to call home.
[Viki comes to see Dorian in jail; the subject of Tico's murder comes up]
Dorian: (to Viki) I never trusted Tico. Jessica and Adriana were duped by him, but he never fooled me for a minute. In fact, I think he got what he richly deserved.
David: You might want to limit the murder talk while we're in prison, my love.
[David and Dorian are at Todd and Blair's wedding]
David: You know, Blair better get down here or I'm going to pull you in front of that justice of the peace and marry you.
Dorian: Honey, you'd never get married in a two-star hotel.
David: So you think Blair and Todd are actually going to pull off this shindig?
Dorian: Oh, please. She won't listen to reason. The best we can hope for is get this thing over with and then go home.
David: That sounds like a good idea. We'll make sure that they get married for the third or seventh time -- whatever it may be -- then we'll get out of here.
[Dorian VS Viki, round 10,305...]
Dorian: You don't care anything about Blair.
Viki: I do care. And I think that she and Todd are going to be very happy.
Dorian: Oh, until he kidnaps her children again or starts physically abusing her, huh?
David: All right, all right, I'm going to have to play referee here....
[Viki leaves the room rather than argue with Dorian]
David: (to Dorian) You won. She quit. She's a quitter.
David: (to Dorian and Blair) I stopped by the police station to pick up my things. You can't just trust anyone with 24 karats, you know.
David: (to Dorian) Employment is really overrated, trust me. You know, before I got my job at "Craze," I was a highly skilled non-laborer.
[Dorian lost her job as chief-of-staff at the hospital]
Dorian: Despite what Viki says, I was good at my job.
David: Yeah, at least you weren't selling body parts like your predecessor.
Dorian: According to Viki, I was Llanview's number one menace to society.
David: Oh, come on, she wasn't really saying that.
Dorian: Oh. There you go, taking her side again.
David: No, I'm not taking her side. Just, listen, I don't like to see you get so mad, because when you do, you're either a lot of fun or you're not any fun at all.
[David gets Dorian a framed picture of himself for a Christmas gift]
Dorian: Oh, David, I'm speechless.
David: Well, I can imagine how much it probably means to you. Merry Christmas.
Dorian: Thank you. Where should we put it?
David: Oh, wherever you want. I have different sizes for the other rooms.
[David is dressed at Santa and passing out presents]
David: (hands Blair a gift) You've been very naughty. (hands Dorian a somewhat larger package) And Dorian has been particularly naughty this year!
[Dorian tries to lighten the mood at her family Christmas gathering]
Dorian: I know -- let's sing Christmas carols. (to David) Hit it, Santa.
David: Uh -- we wish you a merry Christmas...
David and Dorian: We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas --
David: And let's have some beer!
[the Cramer women start arguing on the way to the Love Community Center Christmas party]
David: All right, it's cold, we're getting cranky. Why don't we go to the party so everybody can start admiring us?
[at the Love Center party]
David: What are we doing here, anyway?
Dorian: Maybe I'm here for inspiration.
David: From the middle class?
Dorian: "An eye for an eye," that's always been my motto.
David: I thought you said your motto was "it's always better to look good than to feel good."
[Dorian wants photographic "evidence" that Viki is having an affair with a university student]
Dorian: Get me that proof, David, no matter how you have to get it.
David: What do you want me to do, enroll in some classes and slip her a mickey?
Dorian: I am not in the mood for bad jokes.
David: My jokes are not bad.
David: (to Dorian) You know, I seem to be so good at so many different things, it's hard to settle on just one career.