"It's Just Endearing" -- David & Dorian (2003)
[Dorian has just been kidnapped]
Dorian: People will know that I'm missing. They'll call the police. When the police find us, you're going to be in big trouble.
Jacques (aka the kidnapper): What becomes of you is completely up to the man I represent, for whom we are waiting for.
Dorian: Well, you can tell this man that you represent, this man for whom we are waiting that as far as I'm concerned, he is a filthy, disgusting--
David: (walks into the room)
Dorian: We were once married.
David: Yes, well, it was a large club.
Dorian: But you were always one of my favorites.
David: Dorian, Jacques was in prison with me in Morocco -- the prison where Todd Manning had me thrown into, and my only chance to get out was for -- well, that's water under the guillotine, isn't it?
Dorian: David, about that misunderstanding about your trial --
David: Oh, yes, we're going to get to that in a minute. But right now, we have more pressing matters to attend to. You see, unlike me, Jacques wasn't thrown into prison by Todd because he wanted him out of the way.
David: Jacques was thrown into prison for murder. Murders, in fact. And I helped him escape when I had to escape because someone who was supposed to bribe a judge didn't.
Dorian: You're going to protect me from Count Valmont, and in exchange, I give you the Badhra diamond, which is worth, what, millions of dollars?
David: It's "Badhra," Dorian. Why do you say it like it's something out of The Arabian Nights? It's just "Badhra."
David: You're physically incapable of telling the truth, aren't you, Dorian?
[Dorian has just told David that she doesn't know where the Badhra diamond is]
David: It's not like you to lose track of something as valuable as a multimillion-dollar diamond.
Dorian: Well, I had other things on my mind -- like keeping Mitch Laurence from killing me.
David: That experience might come in handy.
Dorian: Oh, David. You never were the killing kind.
David: You know, it's amazing what time in a Moroccan prison will do to you.
David: (threatening Dorian) Don't forget, I've got Count Valmont on speed dial. If he finds out where you are, your life won't be worth cubic zirconia.
[Dorian doesn't want David to see the combination to her safe]
David: I know what the numbers are, anyway. It's your birthday, right?
Dorian: Oh, you don't know the real year of my birth.
David: Something about the invention of the wheel, I believe.
Dorian: For a man so eager to get his hands on a certain item, you certainly took your time getting here.
David: Well, your graciousness makes it worth the wait.
Dorian: David, do you suppose that perhaps I could have one of the stones, you know, like this, oh, little darling teardrop in the center, as a commission for delivering the necklace?
David: Hmm -- no.
Dorian: I really did expect more from you.
David: I really did expect more from you, too, but you left me in prison.
Dorian: French magistrates don't come cheap!
Dorian: Find yourself another fool.
David: You're the only fool I want.
Dorian: There is nothing that would make it worthwhile getting wrapped up with you again.
David: Oh, you used to like getting wrapped up with me....
David: I'll meet you at your house tomorrow.
Dorian: My house?
David: Our house, actually. If you remember, we used to live there as man and wife. And I believe we spent at least a couple happy, breathless evenings...
Dorian: I believe you spent nearly all of my money.
David: Yes, I did, didn't I?
David: (to Dorian, at The Palace resturant) Don't forget to leave your standard 8% tip.
[David overhears an argument between Dorian and Kelly]
David: (to Dorian) Still getting along swimmingly with your family -- I think that's nice.
Dorian: Last night I handed over millions of dollars worth of diamond necklace, and you said you had a bigger game to play. All right? You said a robbery.
David: Was I that direct? Are you sure I didn't say "a transfer of wealth, "a repositioning of assets"?
Dorian: You want me to do an insurance scam?
David: Absolutely not. Don't be ridiculous. The queen mother of all insurance scams.
David: (to the governor, about Dorian) I'm her ex, David Vickers. Husband number three, maybe four, could be six.
Governor: She's quite a woman, that Victoria Davidson.
David: Yeah, you don't have to tell Dorian that.
Dorian: Unfortunately, her husband was shot and went into a coma, while Viki, who has some mental problems, was under the influence of one of her alter personalities.
David: Dorian is absolutely heartbroken for poor Viki.
David: So tomorrow I want you over by the windows. I'll be behind the curtains. And at some point there's going to be a very big commotion. That's when I'll grab the necklace.
Dorian: What kind of commotion?
David: I'm planning a -- there will be a -- I don't know, but I'll think of something.
Dorian: I can't believe that you pulled me away from the most eligible bachelor in the commonwealth. Are you some kind of moron?
David: Pretty soon I'm going to be a $25 million moron, so you ought to be a lot nicer to me.
[David is getting himself comfortable on Dorian's couch]
Dorian: What are you doing?
David: I'm settling in for the night.
Dorian: Not here!
David: I'm either staying down here with the necklace or upstairs with you. Either way, I'm sleeping with one of you.
[The next morning, Dorian sees David shirtless]
David: Try to keep your hormones under control.
Dorian: Oh, don't flatter yourself.
David: Your eyes betray you.
Dorian: I was just about to make a suggestion.
David: Oh, yeah? What would that suggestion be?
Dorian: That you get your lazy carcass out of bed.
David: You calling me a carcass?
Dorian: Well, I guess I could have added "your lazy, greedy carcass" because you could have checked into the Palace Hotel last night, but, no, you had to be near your precious diamonds.
David: Why, Dorian Lord, you sound jealous.
David: You know, no one would blame you for having fond memories about our marriage. You can share your true feelings with me.
Dorian: My memories are hardly fond.
David: Okay, so the days were pretty much hell, but the nights, when we stopped fighting --
Dorian: Oh -- that's ancient history.
David: I don't think you've forgotten how compatible we could be.
[Blair has found David and Dorian in a compromising position]
Blair: Now let me get this straight. You had a pain in your neck. David offers to come over and massage it out with his shirt off?
Dorian and David: So?
Blair: So, the last time I heard, you two hated each other.
David: Blair, that's why I'm here -- to make amends for causing Dorian so much pain and heartache over the years.
Blair: With your shirt off.
Dorian: And not being one to hold a grudge, I decided to accept his gracious apology.
Blair: With his shirt off.
David: (to Dorian) Hey, you know what? You ought to go for the governor. All you care about is false power, and money, anyway. He's perfect for you.
David: Two martinis, rapido.
Dorian: Help yourself!
David: I made them last time. Hop to it.
Dorian: Oh? Well, by all means! That way, I can add just the right amount of arsenic.
Dorian: David, your diversion, the falling chandelier, almost got my niece killed.
David: I didn't have anything to do with the falling chandelier. You want to know what my diversion was going to be? Get this -- I was going to flip off the lights.
Dorian: Brilliant. Why did you give me the signal?
David: We should've changed that signal a long time ago. You've never gotten it right once.
David: What are you laughing at?
Dorian: Oh, nothing. It's just as much as I despise you, I keep wondering why the gods keep throwing us in each other's paths.
David: Well, the gods obviously have a sick sense of humor, and besides, you don't despise me. You just pretend that you do.
Dorian: You are an amoral, selfish, egotistical -- I mean, you name it. You are, you have been, and you always will be alone.
David: It's like we were separated at birth, huh?
Dorian: I like my solitude. Oh, yes. No relationship is better than a bad relationship, and I am not bored.
David: I believe I never had a problem maintaining your interest.
Dorian: (on the phone) Hello, David...I need you.
David: I was wondering when I would hear those three little words from you. But be careful. Next comes "I love you."
[Dorian asks David to distract Kelly from Kevin]
David: Even a man of many charms like myself has his limits. Besides, Kelly hates me.
Dorian: Oh, David, I don't want you to seduce her. I just want you to keep her too busy for him.
David: What do you want me to do, take her miniature golfing, maybe to a tractor pull?
Dorian: How dare you -- breaking and entering! What were you doing in my bedroom?
David: Hey, I just wanted to surprise you.
Dorian: Oh. Pawing through my --
David: Eight-track tapes, baseball CD collection, what?
David: Kelly mentioned something about a long-lost brother.
Dorian: Yes. Paul. He wrote her a letter and -- wait a minute. That "I'm your long-lost brother" -- isn't that one of your favorite scams?
David: What, you think I'm behind it? Not this time, sister. I can't be behind everything.
Dorian: You're not to touch Kelly with a 10-foot pole!
David: I don't have a 10-foot pole.
David: Look, Kelly's a big girl. She can choose for herself who she wants to be with. She doesn't need you meddling in her life.
David: I know, it's a big word. I'll explain it later. But you might want to get a life of your own.
Dorian: My girls are my life -- Cassie, Kelly, Blair. I mean -- all that matters to me is that they're happy.
David: Dorian, that's actually really nice...in a sad, controlling sort of way.
David: I want that money. I need it now.
Dorian: Look, David, you have no idea how many creditors I have. I mean, they hound me on a daily basis and --
David: Oh, do they really? I don't care. Make it out to cash.
Dorian: I'm not -- not going to be able to make it for the full amount.
David: Oh, well, then I'll just have to turn you in and you'll go down for insurance fraud. Come on. Quick like a bunny.
David: (to Dorian) You know, nothing can change my mood like a comma, a decimal point, and a whole bunch of zeros.
David: Oh, what's the matter with you? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed?
Dorian: Someone just told me that Harrison Brooks spent last night with Viki.
David: Oh, no! How dare he.
[Dorian has decided to give her house a name]
Dorian: Birch Grove, yes, that's the name that the house used to have. So I will call it "La Boulaie."
David: Oh, is that French for "pretentious"?
Dorian: "La Boulaie," it's a beautiful name. "La Boulaie."
David: So your idea to fight Viki for the governor is to name your house?
Dorian: Don't you see? He's only interested in Viki because of her lineage, her title, and that stuffy old mansion of hers -- Llanfair? I mean, really. It sounds like the name of an agricultural exposition.
David: Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
David: You know, what do you want with some fuddy-duddy old governor when you got me, baby?
Dorian: Because he's a governor and you're nothing but a sweet-talking con man.
[David and Dorian are in disguise in an attempt to sneak Dorian onto the governor's airplane]
David: This is never going to work.
Dorian: Yes, it will.
David: You look like you're auditioning for "Sunset Boulevard."
Dorian: You look like you're auditioning for the Village People.
[David and Dorian were successful in getting Dorian onto the plane]
Dorian: I hate to admit this, but sometimes, David, you are as good as you think you are.
David: (referring to their disguises) You know, we've never tried role-playing before. I think I'm a little aroused.
[Viki discovered Dorian and kicked her off the plane]
Dorian: Viki -- she's such a control freak.
David: I told myself, "Don't answer the phone. Just let the answering machine pick it up."
Dorian: She makes up her mind, and then, of course, everybody else's decision is made for them!
David: But in that last split second right before the final ring, I can't listen to myself. It's like driving by a car accident -- you just have to turn your head at the last second and look.
[Dorian has gone missing and David is concerned]
David: (to Kelly) Of course I care about Dorian. She owes me a big pile of money. She said she doesn't, but she does. And I doubt very much that she took very good care of me in her will.
[While trapped on the mountain, Dorian imagines one of David's possible reactions to her "death"]
David: Speaking as Mr. Dorian Cramer Lord Vickers. I've been with supermodels, flight attendants, a circus cont-- contor-- acrobat. But nothing compares to Dorian. No more sex! What's the point without her?
[Dorian imagines that David takes over her house following her "death"]
David: I have a beautiful new home, my estate, La Boulaie.
Woman: What's a boulaie?
David: It's some kind of skinny white tree. But now that it's mine, all mine, I think I'll rename it. What do you think of Chateau Von Vickers?
[Dorian imagines yet another of David's reactions to her "death"]
David: (to Dorian's casket) I never told you, but I think you knew.
David: (hugging Dorian) Dorian -- oh, God. Thank God. Oh, my God, I was so worried about you. I was so worried about you.
Dorian: David! My goodness. I almost believe you.
David: Even after everything you've been through, you're still this cynical?
Dorian: It's what I do.
David: Yes, it is. It's what you do, and you're back. You're back. In a horrible hunting jacket, but you're back.
David: You must be exhausted. Would you like a nice, hot cup of tea?
Dorian: Why, yes, that would be very nice.
David: Okay. Great. Come show me how to make it.
David: So, what's the good news from dear old Aunt Betsy?
Dorian: I just stopped her from pressing charges against Starr for attempted murder.
David: Why? What happened?
Dorian: She went to her digitalis bottle, and she found that the digitalis had been substituted with antihistamines. It was just by sheer luck she found it out. She could have been killed.
David: Wow. Those Manning kids sure start young. Got to respect that.
Dorian: We certainly don't want Aunt Betsy to die.
David: At least not until she's had a chance to change the will.
Dorian: I'm going to make La Boulaie so grand.
David: Yeah. Maybe even as grand as Llanfair.
Dorian: Grander. Viki and I are equals. Why is it she gets everything she wants? I think I deserve an equal chance to get everything that I want, don't you?
David: Dorian, don't you know that you'll always have something that Viki doesn't?
Dorian: What's that?
[David kisses Dorian]
David: It's me.
Dorian: Believe me, you find me a suitable Cramer heiress, and you'll get more than your fair share.
David: You amaze me. Even after all these years, you still think that I would take you at your word. You know, it's just endearing.
[Dorian has bought a bronze name-plate for the house]
David: "La Boulaie, 18--" 18-- is this house really that old?
Dorian: Give or take a century. Don't you love the sound? "La Boulaie."
David: Sounds like "creme brulee."
David: (to Dorian) I found the perfect girl to play the long-lost virgin Cramer, guaranteed to knock Paul out of the running for Aunt Betsy's millions. She is so good, she is so pure, we could drop her into the mouth of a volcano.
David: (to Dorian) This strudel is amazing! Hedy sent this over. I'm telling you, if she was 30 years younger, 30 pounds thinner, or $30 million richer...
[David notices that Dorian is upset]
David: I want to, you know, be there for you.
Dorian: Huh. Excuse me? Don't try to con me.
David: I am experimenting with being thoughtful.
Dorian: What happened to that, you know, innocent, young girl you said you'd found for me?
David: Well, apparently, I gave her too much encouragement. She moved to Los Angeles to become a real actress.
[David is trying to convince Paul to take a lie detector test]
David: (turning to Dorian) You know, Dorian, I know you've never done anything that you're ashamed of. Why don't you show Paul here that it won't hurt.
[Dorian lets David hook her up to the lie detector]
David: All right, Dorian. Why are you always so jealous of Viki Davidson?
Dorian: I'm not.
David: Uh -- you see that? Lying.
[The lie detector test continues]
David: Which of your husbands did you love the most?
Dorian: That isn't a fair question.
David: Just be honest.
Dorian: Why, you, David, of course.
David: Lying again.
Dorian: Mel Hayes.
David: Mel -- what, the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist you're always bragging about?
Dorian: You wanted me to be honest.
David: What I want is another shot at the top spot, baby.
Dorian: You keep dreaming. It's what you do best.
[David tells Dorian about the girl Paul was meeting]
David: Her name is Babe.
Dorian: That sounds like an alias.
David: I thought so, too, but she didn't see the humor.
Dorian: Aunt Betsy could croak at any minute -- now, you do understand, I don't wish her death.
David: Oh, of course I understand, and neither do I. Especially since she's leaving her millions to Paul.
David: We're not going to let some Cramer-come-lately take what's rightfully ours.
Dorian: You talk as if that money were yours.
[David sneaks up on Dorian]
Dorian: Am I going to have to tie a bell around your neck?
David: You can try.
David: I brought you a present.
Dorian: Excuse me?
David: I brought you a present! A Christmas present! Don't get all gooey about it, all right?
[Dorian and David have just exchanged Christmas gifts]
Dorian: (opens the package to find a fancy key chain) Oh, David, it's beautiful!
David: (opens the package to find a business card holder) Oh, Dorian, I love this!
Dorian: Oh. (studying the engraving on the key chain) My, my, my.
Dorian: You got the key chain monogrammed with the letter D. What, wasn't it masculine enough for you?
David: What are you talking about?
Dorian: Oh, this is obviously a regift. Come on, tell me who gave it to you.
David: I bought that for you, Dorian. You're always misplacing your keys, you know. (holding up the gift she gave him) Well, what about this? A monogrammed business card holder with the letter D? That could be a gift or maybe a regift, as the case may be.
Dorian: I picked that out for you.
David: (gestures to the keychain) I picked that out for you.
Dorian: Oh, my. We're really a Christmasy pair, aren't we? I guess we're going to have to learn to trust each other.
David: I guess it's never too late to try new things.
[After David has arranged to get a girl to marry Paul]
Dorian: David, would you do the toast?
David: Why not? I've done everything else.
[David wants the girl he hired, Michelle, to get married to a drugged Paul]
Michelle: You said it was only for a day.
David: That's right, and you can get an annulment tomorrow. The important thing to remember is that young Paul is going to have a valid marriage license.
Michelle: I'm not so sure about this.
David: You should speak to Dorian here. She's been married lots of times.
Dorian: What kind of justice of the peace marries somebody in a motel room when the groom is unconscious?
David: The kind of justice of the peace that works for me, all right?
Dorian: This is supposed to be a celebration with just my family.
David: (looking around) The invisible family?
Dorian: Well, River did spend the night with his father.
David: Oh, rocking at the rectory?
Dorian: And Paul went to Ohio to be with Aunt Betsy.
David: How selfless of him.
David: Why is it so difficult for you to admit that you're lonely?
Dorian: And what about you? I mean, you have no family. You're always over here, plotting and scheming about things that have nothing to do with you, including Aunt Betsy's millions.
David: I have a sophisticated criminal mind and it needs exercise.