"Sore Loser" -- David & Paul (2003-2004)

Paul: You know, David, I'm sorry you don't like me.
David: Of course I like you, Paul! What's not to like? You're charming, witty, a little bit shorter than me, and soon to be loaded.


[Dorian says that she's happy for Paul because he's had a hard life and deserves a "little" good fortune]
David: This is a very big fortune, especially considering everything he's going to have to give up in order to get it. Love, passion.
Paul: No, just marriage. And that's what kills love and passion anyway, right?
David: Sounds like you've been there, done that.
Paul: No, I've been lucky. I haven't made that mistake myself.
David: Yes. Very lucky. Especially since good old Aunt Betsy stipulated in her will "no marriage" in order to inherit her millions.
Paul: Right. Thanks for noticing.
David: No problem.


[David is giving Paul a lie detector test]
David: Okay. Have you ever been in love?
Paul: No. Have you? I mean, except with yourself?
David: I'm asking the questions, thank you very much. So, if you've never been in love, it would follow then that you've never been married. Is that true?
Paul: I've already answered this question, like, a dozen times.
David: Hey, we're just having fun. Answer it a dozen and one.


David: So what's with your nephew the speed demon, huh?
Dorian: What are you talking about?
David: Paul. He just took off out of the garage like he was late to the reading of Aunt Betsy's will.


[Paul has bought Dorian a Christmas gift]
David: Oh, wow! You really went all out, didn't you, buddy boy? You're about to inherit $30 million and you bought her a datebook.


David: (to Dorian) That nephew of yours annoys me.


Paul: (about Aunt Betsy) I care about her, you know.
David: Never met a dying woman worth $30 million you didn't like, right, huh?


David: Aunt Betsy, I see Paul seated you here on the stairs. How classy.


Betsy: Paul seems to believe that this young would-be heiress might be another friend of yours.
David: I think Paul probably thinks that I'm responsible for global warming and overpopulating the third world.


David: I'll catch you later. Unless, of course, you're planning on leaving town because you're finished trying to bleed the Cramer family dry.
Paul: Isn't that your job?
David: I'd love to stay and trade insults, Paul, but I've got to fly.


[Paul shows up at Dorian's house unannounced]
Paul: David. Hello. I'm looking for Kelly. Is she here?
David: As luck would have it, Paul, since she doesn't live here, no, she's not here. Why are you looking for her?
Paul: I'm concerned. She's been going through a tough time. I'm her brother, remember?
David: Oh, right, her long-lost brother, yes.
Paul: Look, I know you've been trying to make me look like this total scam artist, so --
David: Mm-hmm. I mean...I have?


[Paul has come to Dorian's to pick up some of his things in an upstairs closet...he comes back downstairs empty-handed...]
Paul: Dorian get off okay?
David: Yeah, I just put her in a cab. California, here she comes. Whoa, you don't seem to have all those things you said you left up there in the closet. What a surprise. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy or late for something.


[David runs into Paul, River and Adriana rushing out the door of Dorian's]
David: Hello, hello, hello. Where is the fire?
Paul: Actually, we were on our way to Rowdy's to get some burgers.
David: It's Rodi's, actually.


Paul: I just came here looking for Kelly and ran into River and his friend --
David: Wow, you are a horrible liar. Why would Kelly be here? She's got a home.
Paul: She's always here -- kind of like you.


Paul: What's taking Aunt Betsy so long?
David: Are you really that anxious to find out that you lost $30 million, Paul?
Paul: It's not a done deal yet.
David: After Aunt Betsy met Adriana yesterday; you'd have better odds buying a bunch of lottery tickets.


Paul: I don't believe Dorian has another daughter.
David: You don't? Well, Aunt Betsy does, and that's all that matters.


Paul: So you can't wait to help Dorian manage Adriana's money?
David: Only until Adriana's 18. Or maybe 21. I haven't decided yet.


Betsy: "To my grand-nephew, Paul Cramer, I leave the sum of $100."
Paul: What -- what did you just say?
Betsy: You heard me correctly. I am leaving you $100. You have a lot of drive and ambition, and I like that. I'm sure you'll be able to parlay this small sum into a large fortune by investing wisely in the market just as I did.
David: (to Paul) Or you could just buy yourself a bunch of lottery tickets.


Betsy: True to my word, I am leaving my fortune to Dorian's daughter -- to Adriana.
David: I think it's a very wise and sound decision. Don't you, Paul?


[Paul comes by Dorian's]
David: Paul! Stopping by to drop off a wedding present?
Paul: When's the wedding?
David: Friday. Only three shopping days left.


Paul: By then I'll have already proven that you two killed Aunt Betsy.
David: Wow, I just can't seem to get rid of you, can I? Must've really angered the Norse gods. Apparently, you need some psychotherapy for your grief. I think you know the way out.


Paul: Betsy's report showed that she died of a massive coronary that could've been caused by some intense shock -- or maybe just something she caught from you. I'm going to find out what it was.
David: Well, at least she died happy, knowing that her money would go to Adriana and not you.
Paul: I'm going to find out exactly how you guys rigged this. And your little walk down the aisle? It's going to be a perp walk.
David: So does that mean I can write you down for a yes?


David: (to Paul) Hello, nosy. If you're here to accuse me of Aunt Betsy's demise again...


Paul: You know, Dave, I cannot figure out how you rigged those D.N.A. tests to make Adriana Dorian's daughter. But then again, you know, when you're desperate for a phony kid, you got to do what you have to do, right?
David: Ah, don't be such a sore loser, Paul. I'm sure you can steal somebody else's money.


David: (about Paul) You like that guy?
Kelly: He is my brother.
David: Yeah, that's not what I asked. If Paul is breathing, that means he wants something.


[David thinks he might have killed Paul]
David: Come on, Paul, this isn't funny. Come on! People don't die that easily. I only hit you one time!


[David and Dorian confront Paul]
Dorian: Blair caught you sneaking around down here when nobody was home.
Paul: Well, Dorian, I was looking for you.
David: You thought Dorian was in the wall safe?


Dorian: You were looking for something. Could it possibly have been a certain brooch?
Paul: Gosh, now you've lost me.
Dorian: David, call the police! There's been a terrible accident.
David: A horrible tragedy. You mistook your nephew for a burglar.


Paul: Yes, I was after the brooch.
David: A brooch? Really? Accessorizing may prove to be your fatal flaw.


David: (to Paul) It's a shame you have such a credibity problem. I'd like to believe him, would you, Dorian? But he's such a bad liar. He even lied on that lie detector test.


[David finds Paul and Natalie trying to sneak off in Puerto Rico]
David: Hey, hi. Hi. How are you? Did you guys forget to call our suite and let us know you were leaving, huh?
Paul: All right, just relax. God.
David: Why don't we have a seat, huh? I know that sounded like a request, but it wasn't. Sit down. (Paul sits) Now, don't you think our chances for success would increase exponentially if we acted as one big, dysfunctional family?


[Paul and Natalie are arguing]
David: Why don't you two wrap up your exclusionary squabble session so we can get this done fast.


[David tells Paul that Dorian had to go come to find Adriana]
Paul: Well, gee. You should go with her, man. I mean, she's going to need some major handholding.
David: Well, thanks for the great idea, Paul, but I think I'll stick to what I do best -- procuring wealth that technically belongs to others.


[Paul and Natalie discuss Jessica's motivation for lying to them]
David: Hey, I've got an idea. We go to the vault now, we analyze our siblings later, okay?


[Paul and Natalie are kissing]
David: Oh, for the love of pete, could you two make a display of yourselves after we find the money?


[David and Paul have been discovered by the cops while trying to break into the Santi vault]
Emilio: You knew about the Santi money, and you thought it was inside this vault. That's why you came here.
David: Look, you've got this all wrong. My colleague and I have never seen a prison vault before. The savagery of the plantation system -- I also happen to be a huge fan of historical slave rebellions.
Paul: You know, I -- I thought the whole Santi money stuff was a myth.
David: You mean it isn't? That money could be in here?
Emilio: What do you know about those chains?
David: (looks at the chains) Oh, Paul, would you take a look at this?
Paul: Wow.
David: Oh. The horror that must've occurred here. This blood almost looks real. I can hardly wait to journal the crimes that must've occurred in this place.
Paul: Wow.


Paul: You know, having you around is like some kind of jinx. And this is screw-up number two for you.
David: What was screw-up number one?
Paul: Aunt Betsy's money? Hello? You and I both wanted it, and then you and Dorian cheated me out of it, but then you both lost it.
David: Oh, right, those lost millions -- how sad.


David: (to Kelly) Hey, if you're looking for someone to strangle the truth out of Paul, I'm available.


Paul: Listen, David, I love my sister, okay?
David: Oh, yeah. Nothing says "I love you" like a few months of blackmail.


Paul: My life is on the line, and I think that you're the only one that can help me out.
Dorian: When you say, "Your life is on the line --"
Paul: Somebody wants me dead.
David: That's 2/3 of the people on this patio.


David: (to Paul) But I tell you what -- if you do turn up dead, I know the perfect little landfill for your shallow burial.


Paul: I wasn't lying to you, all right? I mean, ask Natalie if bullets weren't flying by our heads! Ask Kelly if some lunatic didn't come by Asa's mansion and try and take a shot at me!
David: Wow, this is all so very wild, wild west, isn't it?


Dorian: Paul, just how much money are we talking about here?
Paul: 100,000.
David: Oh -- 100,000? Paul, con man to con man, you might want to ratchet it back a decimal.
Paul: All right, how about 50,000?
Dorian: Pardon me, did your life suddenly go discount?
David: Wait, wait, wait. What happened to the extra 50,000? Was that a tip?


Dorian: (about Paul) No, I'm not going to be happy until he's on another continent.
David: Yeah, like Canada.


Dorian: (about Paul) David, I don't want him near Kelly ever again.
David: So once we have the Santi millions, we hire the best in the go-away business, and he'll never bother Kelly again.
Dorian: Honey, this is my sister's child we're talking about.
David: Right, so we sacrifice Paul in order to save his sister, Kelly. This is not exactly "Sophie's Choice" here.


[Paul has been murdered]
David: (to John) Do you think maybe the Santis got ahold of Paul? Cement shoes, bottom of the Llantano River, that sort of thing?


Dorian: I met Paul at the cemetery on Halloween night.
David: Was there a werewolf and a full moon, too?