"Too Much Information" -- David & Kelly (2005-2006)

[David interrupts an argument between Kevin and Kelly while they are all at the police station]
David: Hey! I know it may seem a little ironic for me to tell someone to tone it down, to be quiet, but if you two don't ratchet it back a couple of hundred notches, I'm going to ask one of these guys in the blue shirts to shoot you, or to take you to some cell where you can't be heard by Viki and Dorian and Starr.
Kelly: Oh, God, I -- I'm sorry. How much did they hear?
David: Well, how much did you whisper?


[Kelly comes in while David and Dorian are having a private moment]
Kelly: Well, okay! Don't let me interrupt.
David: Good, we won't. See ya.


[David goes to see Kelly after breaking up with Dorian]
Kelly: What are you doing here?
David: I need a favor. Okay, the long and the short of it is I need a place to stay -- but only until Dorian realizes that she's made a huge mistake and she tries everything to get me back.


Kelly: (to David about Dorian) Talk it over with her. You two belong together. You love each other. Just go home.
David: I cannot go home, because if I go home, here's what she'll say -- "David, everything's going to be just fine." And then Adriana will walk in with Duke or you'll mention Kevin's name -- and for the record, I think you're making a big mistake with him.


[David is not impressed with his first morning at Kelly's]
David: What the -- there's no newspaper! I don't smell coffee brewing. My God, how do people live like this?
[Kelly enters]
David: Oh, there you are. Where in the world are all the clean towels?
Kelly: Oh, you're not going to need a towel, because you're not going to have time to take a shower, because you're going to go upstairs and pack up the vast amount of luggage that you brought with you and get the hell out.
David: You know, I'm feeling kind of comfortable here. Despite its lack of creature comforts that I'm accustomed to, I think I could slum it here for a while.


Kelly: David?
David: Hmm?
Kelly: You were supposed to get up at the crack of dawn and call Dorian and make up with her. We had an agreement -- one night for one phone call.
David: Vaguely remember the conversation. Don't remember signing anything.


Kelly: Here it is, 11:30, and you're still in your jammies.
David: Oh, I don't wear jammies. Here, I can prove it.
Kelly: Oh, that's okay, that's okay, I believe you.


David: Kelly, you're my last hope, my port in the storm, my light at the end of the long, dark thing.


[Kelly is fed-up with David living with her in the carriage house]
Kelly: All right, all right! Enough, enough! I can't do this. I won't.
David: I completely agree. I can't work without caffeine. I got an idea. Hop up to Viki's house, see if you can get her to make us a pot of coffee.


Kelly: You can't stay here [at the carriage house].
David: Well, sure, I can. I just need a shot of java. I'll go out to the car, bring in the rest of my luggage -- unless you think you can get the help to do it.


Kelly: You don't think you're being just a tad overdramatic?
David: Don't be ridiculous! Dorian is dead to me! Dead, I tell you! Dead, gone, and buried! It's easier this way.
Kelly: Really? How so?
David: Kelly, I have had to end several relationships over my lifetime, and I always do it the same exact way. I pretend that the person has died a sudden and horrible death.
Kelly: It's just that simple?
David: Absolutely. It's like pulling off a bandage -- painful, but it's quick. I'm going to go take a shower now.
Kelly: Do you have any idea what Dorian's doing right now?
David: If I think about that, it contradicts my "painful, horrible death" strategy.


Kelly: (about Dorian and David) God, I'd like to smack some sense into both about you.
David: I could go for a little smacking around.
Kelly: Ugh!


[Kelly's throwing stuff at David]
David: Before you throw that airplane clock at me, does it belong to you or Viki?


[David's been drowning himself in wine since leaving Dorian]
Kelly: Step away from the wine, David. (gives him some coffee)
David: Now, where was this beautiful cup of Joe when I needed it this morning?
Kelly: Just shut up and drink it.


[Kelly tries to convince David to move out and go back to La Boulaie]
Kelly: You're really out of your element here, David. You belong at La Boulaie.
Adriana: Kelly's right. You're not the carriage house type. You need servants.
Kelly: And proper stemware.
David: You're right. I've been sniffing through your cabinets. You don't have a single piece of hand-cut crystal in the place.


Kelly: David, if you really love Dorian and you want to have a long-term, lasting relationship with her, then you're going to have to admit that love and relationships are not always easy and fun.
David: Oh, come on. Coming from you, that's rich.


Kelly: There are two ways to ruin a relationship. One is to blame the other person for everything that's going wrong, and the other is to just stop trying, and you've done both.
David: Oh, yackety-yackety, talk-talk. Let's go to the Palace restaurant. We'll conclude this conversation on a full stomach.


[Kelly is ranting to Viki about David]
Kelly: I have never, never in my entire life dealt with anyone so childish and entitled and self-absorbed, and those are his good qualities!
David: (coming into the office) Hello. My ears were burning in the hallway. Were you whispering sweet nothings about me? Well, don't be shy. What, in your individual opinions, is something that separates me from the herd?


David: Look, Kelly, I overheard your conversation on the phone requesting some time with President Davidson here. So, since I've exhausted all of the chick lit in the carriage house, and I did my daily pull-ups on your shower bar -- incidentally, I'm up to 11, if anyone's keeping track.
Kelly: Ugh.
David: So I figured, why not? I'd tag along, get myself back in the loop.


Kelly: Please, David, just go home. I take that back. Go anywhere but home.
David: I get it. I can read between those lines. So, I'll see you back at the carriage house. Oh, by the way -- we're out of peanut butter, bacon, and cotton balls.


[David whines about his day to Kelly while at the Palace restaurant]
David: This war is over for me. I get kicked out of Viki's office, I get read the riot act, and then I have to bear witness to my fiancée hitting on the governor just to make me jealous. And not only that, on top of all of that, I have to negotiate with the help just to get waited on in this restaurant. Apparently, there's a "wanted" poster in the kitchen with my picture on it, thanks to Renee.


David: Are you and Kevin back together?
Kelly: You know very well I'm working at B.E. now.
David: So will you be working under Kevin?
Kelly: Don't be crass.


[Kelly comes upon David doing a crossword puzzle]
Kelly: Huh. I didn't think you knew that many words. I'm impressed.
David: Some of us are just naturally gifted. What are you --
[Kelly looks closer and realizes that David's been cheating at the puzzle]
Kelly: Ah, yes -- at cheating.
David: (defensively) Cheating is an art, just like embezzlement.


[It's Mother's Day and Kelly is spending it by herself]
David: You should go see Dorian. She's like a mother to you.
Kelly: Yeah, I think I'd rather be alone today.
David: That's not going to go over very well with Dorian. She expects tributes on a day like this.


[David is watching D.A. Daniel Colson being arrested for murder (and outed as gay) on live television]
Kelly: I can't believe you're watching this.
David: Are you kidding? This is the best show in town. Did you know that Nora's husband is a gay double-murderer? Huh. You just can't trust their kind, can you?
Kelly: Gay people?
David: District attorneys.


[Kelly is tired of watching Daniel's arrest]
Kelly: Oh, please, let's turn this off.
David: What are you talking about? I haven't had this much fun watching television since Robert Blake left his gun in that Italian restaurant.


Kelly: (hollaring) David! Someone has used all the hot water.
David: It's called hydrotherapy.


[David is still watching Daniel's arrest on television]
Kelly: Haven't you got enough of this yet?
David: Not even close. Kelly, you know what a news junkie I am.
Kelly: News? More like gossip.
David: There's a difference?


[David tells Kelly that the woman he met through the online dating service turned out to be Dorian]
Kelly: So let me get this straight. Out of everyone on the internet, you and Dorian make a date with each other without realizing it?
David: Apparently.
Kelly: Well, you know what this means.
David: I'm as pathetic as she is?


Kelly: You know, of all the people looking for love on the internet, you and Dorian just happen to find each other.
David: Hmm. I've always had rotten luck.
Kelly: Face it, David, you were meant to be together.
David: We were about as meant to be as the icerg and the titanic.
Kelly: Well, they made history together.
David: And to extend this metaphor one step further, think about how many people went down with them. Huh? Not me. This boat knows how to turn around.


Kelly: (about Titanic) It's still one of the most romantic movies I've ever seen.
David: Yeah, it is, isn't it? The guy dies and the girl winds up with a big, honking diamond.


[David says he wants the diamond engagement ring he gave Dorian back, since they are broken up]
Kelly: So you would rather have a diamond ring than have Dorian back?
David: That ring is worth a small fortune. It's from the Bahdra.
Kelly: Don't say that word. The point is a diamond ring can't eat caviar with you in bed or take a private jet to Paris or read trashy magazines out loud by the pool. Or shop for a week for a cashmere sweater or -- or cook French toast and set the stove on fire. I mean, do I need to go on?
David: That cashmere sweater looked good on me.


Kelly: Women like Dorian don't come along every day.
David: Well, that's a good thing.
Kelly: Women like Dorian are once in a lifetime.
David: That's right. I barely survived.


[David is unnerved when he finds Kelly talking to Spencer]
David: Kelly, I was just saying to the good doctor here that he better not try any funny stuff with you.
Kelly: Oh, please, David!
David: It's the very least that I owe your aunt.
Kelly: So let me be clear. You're taking over for Dorian in the overprotection club? We were just talking about business. Jeez. David, you mind?
David: Fine. I'll be at the ar-bay if you eed-nay e-may.


David: Kelly?
Kelly: Good night, David.
David: No, listen, you've had a very difficult year.
Kelly: Thank you. Thank you for reminding me.


Kelly: So, what kind of scheme are you cooking up?
David: There's no cooking going on. I can't cook. And there's certainly no scheming.


Kelly: (to David and Paige) Come on, you two. I can tell there's a secret.
David: There's no secret. We're an open book. Well, I'm an open book. I don't know about her. I don't even know her. Maybe she's a magazine. Or just a pamphlet.


David: Kelly?
Kelly: Huh?
David: I'm probably going to regret this for the rest of my life, but I want you to stay with Kevin.
Kelly: Excuse me? You want me to stay with Kevin?
David: Yeah.
Kelly: Kevin Buchanan?
David: Yes.
Kelly: I got to start eating after I work out.


David: (to Kelly) I always speak in generalities. It gives me a more universal appeal.


David: You know, Kelly, there is a widely known business axiom that goes "business deals sometimes fall through."


Kelly: Spencer is merely giving me guidance on a medical procedure.
David: A medical procedure? Does that mean you're a doctor now or is something wrong with you?


[Kelly finds David drinking wine at Rodi's]
Kelly: David. What's wrong?
David: What, can't a guy have a glass of wine in the afternoon without being swarmed?
Kelly: Well, first of all, "swarmed" generally consists of more than one entity, and secondly, that's Rodi's wine.
David: Your point, Kelly?
Kelly: Well, Rodi's wine list consists of red, white, and sparkling. Why aren't you at the Palace where you belong?
David: Because I don't feel like Renee's digs right now about telling me how I should sit on the edge of the patio or paying cash upfront.


Kelly: You're not calling off the wedding, are you?
David: No, of course not, not after everything Dorian's done to get this thing off the ground. Do you remember how long it took her to pick out one pair of shoes? Now, imagine that with flower arrangements, invitations, cufflinks. This whole thing has become a huge production.


David: Kelly, you know how uncomfortable I get being the center of attention.


Kelly: Dorian's not going to let you steal the spotlight from her. You're not going to get too much attention, David.
David: Exactly. How am I supposed to spend time with a woman who's even more vain and self-centered than I am? We'll spontaneously self-combust.


Kelly: You and Dorian love each other. In fact, you're probably the only man on earth that can put up with her, and she you. You just have cold feet.
David: Stop making me sound ordinary.


Kelly: The Buchanans are throwing your bachelor party and they hate you. Something exciting's bound to happen.
David: Yeah, maybe you're right. (referring to his beard) I'm thinking of this as an anthropological experiment -- bearding the beast in the den, thus the camouflage.
Kelly: Dorian's going to hate that.
David: My face, my choice. If she wants me, she can take me exactly as I am -- if I don't scratch myself to death.


David: (to Kelly) I happen to make excellent company. And after the wedding, I'm not going to get to spend as much time with me. It's enough to break your heart.


Kelly: David, I just --
David: Do not give me the speech.
Kelly: What speech is that?
David: Love overcoming obstacles, honor and commitment, eternal happiness. Blah, blah, blah.
Kelly: Well, it seems I don't have to give you the speech. You know it cold.
David: Yeah, and don't forget the sequel, either. Bicker, fight, knockdown-drag-out, divorce. You know what, marriage should be banned. It's outdated.


Kelly: David, do you remember how miserable you were when you and Dorian split up?
David: What? I was miserable because you had nothing good to eat in the house.


David: Kelly, my bachelor party is supposed to take place in about six hours and it is going to suck. Tonight is supposed to be my last blast, my fond farewell to singledom, my adios to carefree life, complete with liquid refreshment and a fan dancer or two. And thanks to my brother, I'm going to be stuck up in some rustic lodge with a bunch of faux cowboys wearing flannel, drinking cheap beer. So apparently I've got to take care of this ritual on my own! So -- farewell, old life, my joie de vivre. Hello, responsibility. (pause) Don't tell anyone you saw me drink this wine.


Kelly: (assuring David about marriage to Dorian) You are going to be very, very happy. I guarantee it.
David: If I don't like it after 30 days, can I get a refund?


David: Do you think -- do you think you could do me one last favor? (he shows her some pink handcuffs)
Kelly: David.
David: They're velvet handcuffs.
Kelly: I know what they are. What do you want me to do with them?
David: Give them to Dorian.
Kelly: You've got to be kidding me.
David: No. Kelly, do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep her --
Kelly: Oh, oh, oh, my ears, my ears!
David: Is that too much information?
Kelly: Yes, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to look at you again.
David: Oh, give me a break. Like you don't have a couple of tricks in your toolbox.
Kelly: My tricks are none of your business -- and put those away! People are looking.


[David still wants Kelly to give Dorian the pink handcuffs as a bridal shower gift]
David: What are you going to give Dorian anyway? Bubble bath, nail polish? Kevin's head on a stick?
Kelly: Well, give me a little credit.
David: She'll leave you more in the will. We both will.


David: (to Kevin) Kelly is very important to me. She's a special friend of mine. We've even bonded over some bonding moments.


[David is not doing well after his non-wedding to Dorian]
Kelly: You look awful.
David: So I've been told, thanks.
Kelly: By Dorian?
David: Yeah, I should be so lucky.


Kelly: (about Spencer) Look, I know the two of you don't get along very well, but he's been really good to me and he's making it possible for Kevin and I to have a child.
David: Blah, blah, blah, he's a God.


David: (referring to Kevin) The next thing you know, that bum upstairs is going to try to make an honest woman out of you.
Kelly: Ahem, ahem. (she shows David the engagement ring Kevin gave her)
David: "Prime of Miss Jean Brodie!" How many carats is that?


Kelly: (answering her phone) Hello?
David: Hey, Kelly, I'm sorry to call you on New Year's Eve, but I had nowhere else to turn.
Kelly: Oh. Well, what is it? What's going on?
David: Look, I know you probably have plans, but I don't know what I'd do if I was alone tonight.
Kelly: Well, yeah, I'm supposed to go up to the lodge. Asa's having a big New Year's Party.
David: Just come by the Palace for a drink, one drink. Just, you know, spend some time, get me over the hump. Hey, I was there for you not too long ago. You, me, a roadside motel, and a deadly case of food poisoning.


Kelly: (arriving at the Palace) You don't look suicidal.
David: I called you in a moment of weakness. I guess I'm going to have to get used to being alone New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Tuesdays.


Kelly: Why don't you let me drive you back to your hotel?
David: What, are you kidding? New Year's Eve, alone in a hotel room? Better off here.
Kelly: You're being melodramatic again.


[Kelly walks in on David and Dorian about to have sex in the kitchen]
Kelly: Oh, my God!
Dorian: Um -- huh.
David: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi.
Dorian: Well, sweetheart, I didn't hear you come in.
Kelly: Obviously.


[Dorian and David try to explain to Kelly why they were having sex on the kitchen counter]
Dorian: David has gotten some really interesting offers to go to Hollywood and become an actor.
Kelly: Really?
David: Yeah.
Dorian: And he was just showing me how they shot a -- a scene in a kitchen in an old movie.
David: I was Jack Nicholson.
Kelly: Huh.
Dorian: Right, and I was --
David: My apple strudel.
Kelly: Yeah. You know, you guys don't have to explain anything to me. Who am I to judge?
Dorian: Oh.
Kelly: I smell pizza. Ooh. You know, I would have knocked, but it's, like, the kitchen.