"Stolen Any Good Husbands Lately?" -- David & Kelly (2003-2004)

David: (to Kelly) Have you stolen any good husbands lately?


[David sits down at Kelly's table and immediately gives a waiter his order]
David: Hey, do you think I can get one of these, please? And put it on Dorian Lord's tab. Thank you.
Kelly: Excuse me. Did I invite you?
David: What, do I need an invitation engraved in gold?


Kelly: I must've said I wanted to be alone to another David Vickers.
David: Kelly, you and I go back so far, we shouldn't let some little formality like an invitation come between us.
Kelly: The only thing I want between us is space. Something like the Atlantic Ocean would be nice.
David: That was good, but it hurt.


Kelly: Why are you here, David? I thought you and Dorian were an item, you know, cooking up something nefarious.
David: Ah, nefarious. Dorian? Me?
Kelly: Yeah, Dorian, you. Oh, no snappy comeback?


David: Dorian didn't actually send me. It's more like she motivated me to find someone to talk to about what she's done to me.
Kelly: Whatever she did to you, I'm sure you deserved it.
David: You have no idea.
Kelly: David, you'll never outsmart her, so stop trying. Why did you come back here, anyway? I mean, Paris, maybe. Rome, yes. But Llanview? What is the attraction?
David: It's sort of a fatal attraction.


David: Well, it's nice to finally see you smiling again, just like the old Kelly.
Kelly: What's that supposed to mean?
David: I miss the wild thing. Don't you remember her? Those midnight polar bear swims in the quarry, that summer on Llantano Mountain when you -- we probably shouldn't talk about that in public. What happened, Kelly? You seem so sad now. What the hell happened to you out in Texas?


Kelly: David.
David: The one and only.
Kelly: I can't deal with you right now.
David: You make it sound like I'm selling timeshares.


David: So you haven't had a chance to tell Dorian how I feel about her?
Kelly: I've been a little preoccupied. And besides, I don't even know if my aunt should get involved with you.
David: Oh, come on, Kel. I'm a changed man -- the new and improved David Vickers. You know, I could be a positive force in Dorian's life.
Kelly: I'm not so sure about that.


David: You're leaving?
Kelly: Well, yeah. Dorian isn't here, and you're kind of freaking me out.
David: Yeah, but look at this night. The water's warm, the air is cool, the stars are shining, the moon is up there somewhere....


Kelly: Why aren't you swimming?
David: It usually involves getting wet.


[David barges into the Buchanan mansion, despite Nigel's efforts]
Nigel: So sorry, Miss Kelly. He literally twisted my arm.
David: Oh, stop exaggerating. Miss Kelly knows that I'm not capable of violence.


Kelly: (to David) Let yourself out. And don't steal anything.


Kelly: I'm not lonely, David. Look, read my lips -- Kevin and I are fine. In fact, we have an incredible marriage.
David: Oh, it's incredible to me, all right. So, what, does he make you call him "lieutenant governor" now?


David: The guy was professional assassin. I mean, he was locked up for life. And cranky --
Kelly: Didn't your mother ever tell you to stay away from career criminals?
David: If my mother was ever in a Moroccan prison.... (pause) Maybe she was. So, anyway, my Egyptian must have been kind of rusty because I was trying to ask this assassin if I could pay him for protection but what I actually said was, "Do you use protection?"


Kelly: How does one find themselves in a Moroccan prison anyhow?
David: Todd Manning is how. Besides, I would have gotten out if your aunt Dorian hadn't double-crossed me. I mean, honestly. What is it with you Cramer women that make you so irresistible?


Kelly: You know, Kevin is the lieutenant governor, and, I'm sorry, who are you?
David: I'm a work in-progress.


Kelly: Have you ever even held down one job?
David: I freelance.
Kelly: You're a con artist.
David: That's freelance.


Kelly: Kevin wants to make a difference in the world. Do you have any idea what that takes? Everybody wants something from him -- his time, his money, jobs, a kind word.
David: Does that include you? You see, because I've heard of absentee landlords, absentee ballots, but you got yourself an absentee husband.


Kelly: You're a very attractive man and, regardless of your reputation, not a bad guy.
David: Yeah, well, whatever you do, do not tell that to Dorian.


Kelly: I just got a letter from a brother I didn't even know I had.
David: Yeah, that seems to happen a lot around here.


Kelly: Hello?
David: Hi, I'm calling to officially pester you. You said you'd call me back, but you didn't, so I'm calling you back.
Kelly: David --
David: Sorry, patience isn't one of my few virtues.


Kelly: I can't believe Aunt Dorian trusted you with her house. Are you sure you're not breaking in?
David: For once, I'm completely legit -- and insulted.
Kelly: You'll get over it.
David: Hey, I'm reformed.
Kelly: Hmm.
David: Seriously. Life in a Moroccan prison can put your goals in perspective.
Kelly: Goals? Goals like what?
David: Like not being in a Moroccan prison the rest of your life.


Kelly: You care about Dorian.
David: No, I just -- I -- it's --
Kelly: Yeah?
David: It's not so much caring as -- I've grown accustomed to her face, all right? Her annoying, bossy, pretentious, somehow-attractive-even-though-I-can't-explain-it face.


David: Have they found Dorian?
Kelly: No. No, not yet. But I do know that they are trapped in a cave somewhere.
David: A cave? Somewhere?
Kelly: Apparently, an avalanche filled the entrance. But it's okay. Look, there are some rescue teams in the area, and Kevin and Walker went with them to search for them.
David: Oh, Dorian will be thrilled to hear that.


[Dorian imagines that David responds to her "death" by getting Kelly pregnant]
David: My goodness, you're pregnant! I mean, you're getting as big as my ego.


[More of Dorian's David/Kelly fantasy...]
David: I am so glad that Dorian is not here to see this. She would have never let you get pregnant, even if it meant going to bed with both of us to make sure.
Kelly: I know. Remember, she was running around, going "thrombophilia, thrombophilia."
David: I must have blocked that out.


[Still more of Dorian's David/Kelly fantasy...]
Kelly: Oh! The baby's coming!
David: Now?
Kelly: Oh, God, I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I don't want to die!
David: Relax -- relax! I want you to breathe in, and out, in. Now, I want you to concentrate. I'm going to ask you something very important. Is your will in order?


Kelly: What the hell are you grinning about?
David: Cramer women just flip my switches.


[David comes upon Kelly at The Palace]
David: Ah, Kelly. Let me buy you a drink. Barkeep, she'll have sex on the beach. In fact, maybe we both will.


Kelly: Oh, since when did you grow a conscience?
David: I don't know. It's a new thing for me.


Kelly: You don't want to be with me because you're in love with Dorian.
David: (laughing) That is not what I said.
Kelly: You know, you keep this up, you're going to lose your edge.
David: You know, you keep looking in bars for a sperm donor, you're going to -- oh, my God, you're looking in bars for a sperm donor. You've lost your mind, Kelly.


David: Look -- have you considered getting pregnant the old-fashioned way?
Kelly: Meaning what?
David: You could sleep with your own husband.


David: (to Kelly) Three billion men on the planet, and you're stuck on the one who doesn't appreciate you.


[Kelly wants Joey to get her pregnant]
Kelly: Joey is perfect. And then my baby would really be a Buchanan.
David: Your husband's brother? That would be breaking how many commandments?


Kelly: (about Joey) He used to be my -- my husband. He's my friend. He probably still loves me.
David: How cruel is that?


[David calls Kelly]
Kelly: Hello?
David: Hey, it's me.
Kelly: Hi. What's up?
David: Hey, you know, I was thinking, if you faked a pregnancy, how difficult would it be to fake a miscarriage, huh?
Kelly: Oh, that's funny, that's funny. Thanks for calling. Bye. (hangs up on him)


Kelly: I have fantastic news.
David: You're leaving him [Kevin]?
Kelly: No. I'm pregnant for real.
David: Okay. You want me to back you up? What should I say, you're having triplets? Is that too much?


David: Kelly, you look radiant. Motherhood obviously suits you. Say, are you and the little one registered somewhere, because it would mean a lot to me if I could charge something on Dorian's account for you.


Kelly: You guys have a wedding to plan, anyway.
Dorian: A wedding? David, what did you say to her?
David: Kelly basically begged me to look at the invitations. What was I supposed to do?


David: (looking at baby Ace) Good job here, Kelly. Beats buying a baby, right? Maybe one day he'll get elected Lieutenant Governor. Then again, I'm a nonvoter.


Dorian: I still cannot believe that you called that adorable little baby Asa II.
Kelly: Yeah.
Dorian: Must've been Kevin's idea.
David: No, no, Kevin would've come up with something much more original, like Kevin II.
Kelly: Actually, it was my idea.
David: Brainwashed!


David: Well, Dorian happened to mention that you asked her for a loan -- some kind of investment?
Kelly: So?
David: So why don't you ask your obscenely wealthy husband for the money? And what was with that frantic phone call you were making?
Kelly: Please just leave me alone, David.
David: Wow. The women in your family have a real problem with communication, don't they?


Kelly: You killed my brother and then you let me think I did it!
David: Yeah, I know, but I feel really bad, okay? And I did come back. I was going to take responsibility -- or at least dump his body behind a casino.


Kelly: (about Paul) He had to be dead! We stuffed him in the laundry cart, then we stuffed him in the trunk of the car, and then we threw him out here! He was dead!
David: Wait a second. What -- what does this remind me of? Oh, that's right -- the time that you buried me alive, Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, shut up, David!


David: Whoever took Paul's body has the upper hand, Kelly. (pause) And arm and --
Kelly: Oh, God.
David: Sorry.


David: (sees Kelly by Dorian's pool) Hello, legs. You think you can wash away your sins in the pool?


David: Why are you so stressed? Paul's alive.
Kelly: Yeah, I know, but I'm his sister and I turned him in.
David: That's small potatoes compared to dumping his body in a landfill.


Kelly: What is that?
David: That, my dear, is a GPS Chip -- global positioning system. You stick one of these little guys in your kid's backpack, you find out if he's really at the library or if he's out partying with his homeys.
Kelly: It's a good idea. If Starr had had one of those when she was kidnapped, they would've found her right away.
David: On the other hand, if Kevin had one on you...
Kelly: Oh, okay, stop it.


Kelly: So I told Kevin that the only reason why I called Todd was because I thought I'd killed Paul.
David: Well, he must've been relieved to find out that you and Todd were busy killing your brother instead of sleeping with each other.


David: Kelly, have you and Kevin separated?
Kelly: No, he's just -- he's staying with his mother for a few days while she recovers.
David: Yeah, he dumped you again, didn't he?


[David has come to the Buchanan mansion to talk to Kelly]
Kelly: Kevin and I are going to get back together.
David: So, you're going to go it alone here in the Buchanan loony bin for the duration?


[Kelly comes into the room as David is leaving a "Be careful" warning on Dorian's voicemail]
Kelly: Was that Dorian?
David: It was her voicemail.
Kelly: Why does she need to be careful?
David: It's just a figure of speech. Like "I value your opinion," or "Hey, let me pick up the check."


David: Where did Paul find Ace?
Kelly: Dorian didn't tell you?
David: No. I'm not a Cramer woman. I get told nothing around here.


Kelly: I'm not crazy.
David: I'm not saying that you are, but you're a little whacked out right now.


Psychiatrist: (about Kelly) Well, she has a tenuous grasp of facts and sequencing, and she's inconsistent in her ability to process information.
David: I understood almost none of that, but it doesn't sound good.


Kelly: So I want you to help me decorate Ace's room. You know, I don't want it to be too girlie. He's a Buchanan, after all.
David: Bandanas, chaps, and turquoise jewelry? They seem a little girlie to me.


Kelly: I couldn't stand seeing Kevin there with another woman. I just can't do it.
David: What are you talking about? Kevin's arm candy is just discounted junk food compared to you.


[David is going to escort Dorian and Kelly to Tico's gala]
David: Arriving with two goddesses on my arms? I'm going to be the talk of valet parking.


Kelly: You make me feel like everything's going to be okay.
David: Well, it is. You know, it just must be some extraordinary talent that people like Oprah and myself have.
Kelly: Mm-hmm.
David: We keep hope alive.


[Kelly arrives late to Tico's gala]
David: There you are. You're missing all the fun. Asa pulled a gun on Todd and Blair.
Kelly: Is everyone still alive?
David: Yeah, unfortunately.


[David and Kelly are looking at one of Ace's toys -- a barnyard set]
David: Let's take a look at this. (starts playing with the toy)
Toy: The horse says neigh.
David: Hmm.
Toy: The chicken says cluck-cluck-cluck.
David: Ace is supposed to learn about life from this?
Kelly: Life on a farm.
David: Yeah, like that's ever going to happen. You know what he needs? He needs one of these to describe all the lunatics in his family. (imitates toy) Your grandpa Asa says "varmint," "she-devil," "Look at my belt buckle." Lieutenant governor Daddy says "Read my beautiful veneers -- you will vote for me." Who else? Oh, yeah, how about cousin Starr. Cousin Starr says "You better leave me alone or my snake will squeeze your guts out."


Kelly: You're the best.
David: You know, I've been telling people that my entire life.


David: You and I are very good friends. We go way back. As a matter of fact, do you happen to remember that you tried to murder me in that fleabag motel and then dump my body in the woods?
Kelly: Oh, why are you bringing that up? Besides, you're the one who came back from the dead and scared the daylights out of me. That was very mean.
David: Mean?
Kelly: Mm-hmm.
David: You brained me in the head with a patriotic lamp right after you begged me to relieve you of your virginity, if I recall.


David: Do you remember the way that you dressed when you first came to Llanview?
Kelly: Oh, I try to forget. Grunge mall-rat chic.
David: Oh, you came a long way, baby.
Kelly: I told everyone I was from Paris.
David: Yeah, you did, and you couldn't even roll a French "r" if your life depended on it.


Kelly: I went to the parade, the Halloween parade.
David: Things aren't scary enough around here for you?


Kelly: Oh, you are not going to that judge's funeral, are you?
David: Well, why don't we go together? We can dance a tango on her grave.
Kelly: She gave Ace back to Kevin. That doesn't mean I want her dead.
David: Doesn't have to be a tango. I still know how to Lambada.
Kelly: (doesn't find that amusing)
David: Oh, come on! You usually give me a courtesy laugh, at least.


Kelly: David, stop following me around like an old sheepdog.
David: I am not old nor a sheepdog. I'm much more of a Russian wolfhound -- although, they have short lifespans. I want to be one of those dogs that carries booze around its neck.


David: (to Kelly) How do you look in neon orange? That's the perpetual fall color for Statesville jump suits.


David: You could stop hanging out with slime balls like Kevin. Man, some of the stuff that guy's tried to pull.
Kelly: Oh, and you're pure as the driven snow?
David: Oh, for corn's sake. You kidnap somebody and you hold them hostage on a boat one time....


David: I'm not like that at all anymore.
Kelly: Hmm.
David: In fact, "pure as the driven snow"? It's an apt description of me.


[David wants to take a break while he and Kelly are on the road looking for Ace]
David: Kelly, would you think I was being selfish if I wanted to go somewhere for a cheeseburger?
Kelly: Here! Here it is -- Liberia, North Carolina!
David: ...I'd even be willing to sample drive-through.


Kelly: Now, the crash that Paul was in -- the helicopter crash -- that was the same night that he got me Ace.
David: Hmm. Fortuitous.


Kelly: What if Babe had a son, not a daughter? What if Paul gave me Babe's son?
David: Okay, now, don't get mad at me or anything, but I'm starting to get so confused. I'm going to have to sit down.


David: Look, if Ace belongs to Babe, where did Paul get the kid that he gave to Babe?
Kelly: What if the daughter that Babe has is really the daughter that Bianca thinks is dead?
David: Oh, man, we're not even on the road yet, and I'm already lost again.


David: (to Kelly) Now, listen -- there is one thing that you have to know about the motel, okay? There's only one room. Are you okay with that? Because if not, you're more than welcome to sleep in the car.


[David and Kelly are stuck in the motel with food poisoning]
David: Oh -- Grandma, can I have some cookies?
Kelly: Oh, come on, David, you're not delirious. This is all your fault! If you hadn't made us eat those sandwiches from B.J.'s --
David: Now, I don't want to worry you, but I may not survive that sandwich.
Kelly: Huh! Right.
David: But don't you worry about me. You get some sleep and I'll just try to die quietly.


David: I am never eating in Pine Valley again.
Kelly: Huh.
David: I think this might be some kind of a punishment. Hey, do you think maybe I'd start feeling better if I confessed all my sins?


Kelly: You'll feel better tomorrow.
David: I might be dead tomorrow. You know, I really think I'd feel a whole lot better if I confessed all my lustful sins to you.
Kelly: No, no! I don't want to hear anything.
David: They're not about you. I have no lustful thoughts about you.
Kelly: Good.


David: Look, I'm sorry about all this.
Kelly: Blame the fry chef in Pine Valley. Oh, my god, I'm never eating there again.
David: Yeah, but here you are, you're out here trying to find Ace, and you're stuck with a guy who's got -- well, description defies polite company.


[David and Kelly decide to play poker in their motel room to pass the time]
Kelly: Are you sure you want to take on the poker queen of the Lone Star State?
David: Well, that's quite a title for a pretty little lady, but you don't stand a chance against the Mighty Menace of the Lower 48.


Kelly: That's why I really wanted to give Ace a strong and secure home. I don't ever want him to have to pretend to be someone he's not. I did a lot of that.
David: You don't have to remind me, (imitates French accent) Miss Parisian schoolgirl.


David: Kelly, Ace couldn't forget you. How could he? You're -- you're unforgettable.
Kelly: Kevin forgot me.
David: Yeah, well, he's lost his alleged mind.


[Kelly is channel-surfing in the motel]
Kelly: Ugh, there's nothing on but old news on how to make a million bucks in a month.
David: A million bucks in a month? (grabs remote control away from Kelly)
Kelly: Give me that.
David: I'm serious. What channel?


[David leaves the motel room to find ice cream for Kelly]
David: Whatever you do, don't ever tell anyone you saw me go out of doors dressed like this. It'll ruin my debonair con man image. Fade out on David Vickers.


[David returns from his ice cream hunt]
David: (to Kelly) Well, unfortunately, JaMocha almond fudge hasn't made it to the hinterlands yet. They only had vanilla, and it's not even French.