"You Look Horrible" -- David & Blair (2003-2006)

[Blair has just punched David]
David: Though I may need to take out a restraining order against you, Blair, you look radiant nonetheless.


Blair: And what the hell are you doing here, Vickers? Playing checkers?
David: (frowns at checkers board) Not very well.


Blair: Didn't your mother ever tell you that it was rude to listen in on other people's conversations, David?
David: Not that I recall. But then again, I don't recall my mother.


Blair: First of all, I want to know why you're hanging out with my aunt Dorian.
David: I don't know, Blair. We just -- we have a certain chemistry.
Blair: Oh, bull-arkey. You're up to something. You two are up to something, and it has something to do with that diamond, doesn't it, the one that was stolen, maybe?
David: I think you know why Dorian wants me hanging around.
Blair: I don't think so. I think you're blackmailing her.
David: Look, we just have a connection, okay?
Blair: Hm.
David: Neither one of us even knows why we have this connection, but it's bigger than us. I don't know, it -- we're drawn to each other in ways that just go beyond the rational, all right?
Blair: Really?
David: The only two people that I could compare us to are you and Todd. No matter how terrible things got, you guys kept -- listen to me -- you kept getting back together because of that connection.


David: (to Blair) I still say that there's only one man in your universe, and that's Todd Manning.


Blair: David Vickers is a snake, and he is sliming his way through the Cramer family yet again.


[Blair and "Walker"/Todd are engaged]
David: Is that diamond real? May I? It is real! You two -- you two are engaged! Well, my interest is certainly piqued.
Blair: Yes, I said yes to Walker last night.
David: Oh, I'm sure you did...over and over and over again.


Blair: So what's up, Big Dave? Dorian owe you money?
David: Blair, Dorian always owes me money.


Blair: After everything that Dorian has done for you in your little, pathetic life -- I mean, she actually married you, and I guess at some point of weakness in her life, she actually felt something for you.
David: Blair, that's really sweet, but stop trying to make me feel better, okay?


Blair: I guess somewhere not so deep inside you, there's a shiny little coin where your heart is supposed to be.
David: Yeah, that's me -- the tin man.


[Blair is annoyed to see David at Dorian's house]
Blair: David, do you live here now?
David: Blair, enough is enough, all right? I will not date you while you're married.


Blair: (to Dorian) Look, I just came to ask you a favor. Hedy is not working tonight, and Walker and I have plans.
David: Oh. Newlyweds. (gives Dorian a knowing look) Isn't that sweet, baby? Huh? (to Blair) A word of advice -- treasure the moment because Dorian and I barely even remember the first blush of wedded bliss. But the fireworks that followed soon after -- huh, huh? Huh?
Dorian: (to Blair) You can bring the children here.
Blair: (giving David a weird look) Thank you -- I think.
David: Stop checking me out. It's getting embarrassing.


[Blair sees David rooting around under the Christmas tree at Dorian's]
Blair: So, it's come to this, huh? Stealing presents from under a Christmas tree?
David: Oh, Mrs. Grinch. Shouldn't you and Mr. Grinch be in a cave on top of a mountain, tying antlers to a little dog's head?


[David stumbles upon Blair at Viki's Christmas party]
David: (eating a slice of pie) There is some great minced pie in the fridge. What, were they saving this for tomorrow?
Blair: Not now, David.
David: All right, look -- I'm sorry for what I said over at Dorian's, okay? If you consider your marriage sacred -- what can I say but ho-ho-ho-kay.


David: Hey, I'll tell you what -- I'll go make you some coffee. It'll sober you up, ok?
Blair: (snaps) I am not drunk!
David: Really? Because you look horrible.


David: Adriana is going to be staying with us for as long as she wants.
Blair: Us? Huh. What, you live here, David? I don't think so.


[Blair is curious about the engagement ring Dorian is wearing]
David: I'll tell you about the ring.
Blair: You -- you -- you stole that didn't you?
David: I did not steal that ring. We're talking about love and marriage here, Blair.
Blair: Oh, love and marriage? You actually expect me to believe that you'd love anyone other than yourself?
David: Dorian accepted my ring.
Blair: Dorian loves diamonds.
David: Look, I understand that you're all down on love and marriage this week, etc, etc. --
Blair: Oh, shut up, David.
David: But I think you ought to know something.
Blair: What?
David: Dorian actually got under my skin all those years ago. It's -- it's kind of like malaria, the fever just keeps coming back --
Blair: Oh --
David: And you, of all people, ought to know...


[Dorian tells Blair that she and David are getting married]
Blair: (to Dorian) Yeah, as long as it's not the same fiasco like with Mitch, your last wedding. Good lord.
David: Is this any time to bring up ex-husbands? You are so insensitive at a time like this, Blair.


Blair: My, my, my -- is David Vickers actually looking for a job?
David: Careful. Sarcasm will give you crow's feet.


David: Hey, I know that Buchanan Enterprises bought The Sun out from under Todd, but when did it merge with The Banner?
Blair: Oh, like you care?
David: Oh, wow, you're right. I don't.


Blair: If you actually think that Dorian is going to marry you, you're a bigger idiot than I thought you were.
David: You know, you really ought to consider pulling back on the negativity. It gives you a squishy apple face.


Blair: What do you want?
David: Oh, I'm glad your recovery's going well. You're back to you cranky self.


David: Well, after Dorian and I are married, I'll be the patriarch of the Cramer family.
Blair: Ugh!
David: I got to look after my girls.
Blair: Oh, get out of -- you couldn't be a patriarch to a small box of puppies.


Blair: What did Todd say?
David: I told him he'd better stay away from you or he'd have me to deal with.
Blair: Now, that's funny. I bet he peed in his pants, right?


Blair: David, stay out of my life and get out of my room.
David: Look, Blair, I know you're still upset that I chose Dorian over you...


David: You Cramer women -- you're all alike, so independent. It just lights my fire.
Blair: Go someplace else and put it out.


Blair: David, this whole wedding -- it's a joke. Cassie called today begging her mother just not to go through with it.
David: She just has to warm up to the idea, and when does Dorian ever listen to Cassie anyway?


[David is trying to talk Blair into hiring him for Craze magazine]
David: If you're thinking about hiring staff, I'll let you look at my resume.
Blair: Oh, really? And what would that be, "con artist, 1989 to present"?
David: Blair, if I were to be a con artist -- which I'm not -- I would have to have my finger on the cultural pulse -- which I do: Generations X through Z.


David: Why don't you think of it this way? Not only will you be paving the road for true love and wedded bliss, you'll be getting your hands on a dedicated, talented employee with impeccable references.
Blair: It's not going to happen.
David: Excellent! I will put together a packet of my ideas.


David: I will organize the office secret Santa.
Blair: No -- okay, okay, just shut up!
David: All right, I accept the job. We should probably talk about my vacation time.


David: Incidentally, I got a job.
Dorian: You did?
David: Yeah, Blair begged me to work on her new magazine.


David: Where's Dorian?
Blair: She's at your wedding.
David: Yeah. That did not happen.
Blair: Well, good. She came to her senses.
David: When they removed your brain tumor, did they leave anything inside your head?


Blair: You know the monster that Starr's really scared of is Todd. She just doesn't know it.
David: No, Blair, that's your monster.


Blair: For the first time in your life, you made a little sense.
David: Hey, I'm not all good posture and charm, you know.


Blair: So, you going to the baby's christening?
David: Yeah why not? Babies love me.


David: Blair, if Dorian has cold feet, then I'll just warm them up when I find her. I got somebody tracking her down, and in the meantime, I might as well pay my respects to Asa Buchanan II. He's going to be really rich one day, don't you think?


David: You know, Kelly finally has the family that she's always wanted. She's happy now.
Blair: I'm happy for her, and I'm happy for Kevin.
David: Perhaps. You tend to forget that when you're looking for a shoulder to cry on, so, for Kelly's sake, do her a favor. Don't go to Kevin.


[David sees Todd going up the stairs at Dorian's and promptly freaks out on Blair]
David: Hey -- hey, what the hell?? Do you want me to call the police?
Blair: No, I don't. I told him he could go.
David: Well, I think I speak for Dorian when I say, have you absolutely lost your mind?!


David: Todd and Kelly are trying to make you jealous.
Blair: Why?
David: Because of Kevin.
Blair: To pay us back?
David: To get you back. Look, Todd thinks that he can make you realize that you're still in love with him and you'll come crawling back on your hands and knees -- or whatever you crawl back to him on.


[Blair doesn't understand why Kelly would help Todd]
David: What, are you kidding me? Kelly wants you back with him just as much as he does. She's not convinced that the curtain's down on "The Kevin and Blair Show."


Blair: Kelly and Todd are trying to make me jealous, huh?
David: From the looks of it, it's working. Oh. (looking at Blair in sympathy) Oh, poor Blair. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop loving Todd Manning, can you?


David: Hi, I really need your help. I have absolutely no idea what kind of jewelry teenage girls want to wear.
Blair: David, I don't work for Craze anymore, and I'm not going to lift one finger to help Kevin until he backs away from Todd.
David: Well, would it help if I grovel? I'd be happy to grovel. Please? Please?


David: (giving a toast) To Todd and Blair being out of town. I do miss Blair at Craze, although most of the good ideas are mine.


[Blair is dressed as a witch for Halloween]
David: Blair, there are so many jokes there, I don't even know where to begin.


Blair: I don't trust you.
David: Why not? After you and I became the king and queen of Craze? Doesn't that count for something?


[No one believes Addie's claim that Todd helped spring Dorian and David from jail]
Blair: Yeah, but Mama said that Todd --
David: "Mama said" what, that Todd said that he was the big hero? Blair, you know how much I love Addie, but she still sends her Christmas list to the North Pole.


[Blair needs David's help in figuring out whether Todd wrote a letter breaking up with her]
Blair: So, David, can you help us? Please?
David: Yes. I spoke to a very dear friend of mine who's a forger -- a handwriting expert -- from Holland.


[David comes back with the results from the test done on the letter Todd left Blair]
Blair: So, what'd you find out?
David: Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The bad news is Todd wrote the letter.
Dorian: What's the good news?
David: I wasn't wrong for a moment.


[David and Dorian think that Todd has run out on Blair again]
Blair: Mrs. Bigelow checked his credit card records and said he hasn't used them since before the wedding, and, well, she thinks that means he's dead.
David: Well, wouldn't be the first time for that, either.


[Blair asks David for assistance finding Todd -- for whom a one million dollar reward has just been posted]
David: For you, I'd do anything.
Blair: Good.
David: Will what I'm doing entitle me to the million dollars?


[Dorian is worried after hearing a police report about Blair hanging off of a ledge of a mental institution]
David: Blair is a Cramer woman. As a matter of fact, she could swan-dive off of the Empire State Building, she could land in a thimble, no problem. So what's a lousy 20-story ledge?


[Blair returns home after weeks of being missing]
David: Blair, you all right?
Blair: Yeah, I'm fine.
David: Because you look --
Blair: I know, David. I look horrible, but you know what? You can stop worrying about me now because I know you worried about me.


[Blair and David are at the hospital]
Blair: I was actually hunting for an aspirin. You'd think they'd have one in this establishment somewhere.
David: Yeah, for 50 bucks.


[David is annoyed to find out that Spencer treated Blair for her headache]
David: Psst. Blair.
Blair: What?
David: Just out of curiosity, did he put water and herbs on your forehead and tell you to breathe? That's his oldest trick.


Blair: (to Dorian) I don't care whether Dr. Spencer Truman is attracted to me or not. I just wish Kelly weren't, that's all.
David: I'll drink to that!


[Dorian and Blair are arguing over Dorian's wedding guest list]
David: I wish we'd just elope and go to a Caribbean hideaway and spend all the money on ourselves instead of people we'd rather feed broken glass to. (to Blair) How is Todd, anyway?


David: Blair, what is going on? You look horrible.
Blair: Thank you, David.


[Blair and David at Capricorn]
Blair: I wasn't really in the mood to go out. But after last night, I was so panicky, I was afraid I was going to scare the children, so --
David: So you came to panic among strangers?
Blair: Yeah, I did. I hope you don't mind.
David: Absolutely not, since you're buying.


David: (about Spencer) What if Todd finds out that Dr. Smooth over here is moving in on his wife?
Blair: Oh, you know what, just stop. I'd actually like to talk to your brother alone, please. Do you mind?
David: No. Just pretend I'm not here.


Blair: (to Spencer) I want to talk to you about Todd's stab wound. You were there at the hospital when we was explaining how he was holding up the trunk of the car with the shears and he was accidentally stabbed.
David: Oh, that sounds perfectly credible.


Spencer: (to Blair) Bo Buchanan is sowing seeds of doubt between you and your husband?
David: Seeds that will later turn into a beanstalk.
[Blair and Spencer don't say anything]
David: Seeds? Beanstalk? It's a metaphor.


[Blair informs David and Dorian that she has fired Ginger]
David: There's always Chinese water torture. I know how to administer that.


[the doorbell rings and goes unanswered at the Manning penthouse]
David: (to Blair) Did your doorman die?


David: You look horrible.
Blair: Well, thank you. That is so nice of you to say. I wouldn't know why. You know, maybe it's the fact that the police have evidence from a very well-known criminal, Jackie McNaughton, that Todd tried to hire him to kill Margaret Cochran, and then the cherry on the little sundae is that I actually saw McNaughton and Todd together at the Palace and now I'm going to have to testify against him. But you know what, I understand that you wouldn't understand why I don't give a flip what I look like.
David: Long-winded.


David: (referring to Todd) They can't make you testify against your husband.
Blair: We're not married, you idiot.
David: Join the club.


Blair: (about Spencer) Well, he's your brother, David, you talk to him. Don't talk to me about it.
David: I can't talk to him because he's not human.


David: (about Spencer) He wants you. You know it. That gives you power.
Blair: I'm not going to have this conversation with you. I don't like it on a bunch of different levels.


David: I know you don't want me here. I know you probably think that I'm only here for my own interests.
Blair: Oh, really? Because that would be so out of character for you.


David: How could you think that I would dump Dorian at the altar?
Blair: Hmm, because I saw you do it?


David: Spencer doesn't like to see other people happy, so he puts a stop to it.
Blair: Oh, right. Well, yeah, that would -- that would explain his medical career and all the times he wants to help all those -- that is an excellent cover. Gosh, why didn't I think of that?
David: You know what, maybe you're absolutely right, Blair. Maybe I should re-evaluate my own thinking on this, considering you're such a good judge of a man's character.


David: (to Spencer) You know, you left out a few things about Blair -- about how she likes to punch holes in men who wrong her, pushes their girlfriends out windows.


[Blair tries to fire David for the anti-Todd article that ran in Craze]
David: You know what? You can't fire me, Blair, because I quit. And I want you to know something. I really didn't write that article. I didn't even know anything about it. But I'll tell you something, I stand behind it. I stand behind every word because every word is true. Todd Manning is a psychopath. He's done nothing but harm you and harm your kids, and you know what the worst part is, Blair? You keep letting him do it.


[Blair has just punched Spencer]
Spencer: You have a fairly mean right hook.
Blair: David, could I have a word alone with Spencer, please?
David: Blair, you don't know what you just walked --
Blair: Get out, David.
David: Well, since it appears that you hit harder than any woman in Llanview, I will take my leave. (to Spencer) And as for you -- that was more of a roundhouse than a right hook.


Blair: I don't want Spencer to leave, David.
David: Fine, I guess I'll say this in front of an audience because it needs to be said. I realize that I haven't always been the paragon of virtue.
Blair: Are you talking about the little expose that you wrote about Todd in the last issue of Craze?
David: I admit, we've had our ups and downs. But if you think about it, I've basically always been on your side, Blair.
Blair: I guess.


David: Blair, you need to know who Todd Manning really is. He told you that your baby was dead. He sold your other child.
Blair: To you, David. Do you think that escaped me?


Spencer: Blair's distraught, you know?
David: Oh, really? Maybe because her life is falling apart. She's such a whiner, isn't she?


David: Since when do you have a key to my brother's hotel room?
Blair: Since Spencer and I are friends.
David: Friends with benefits, it would appear.


Blair: Do you think that I would believe a black-market baby smuggler like you, David?
David: I didn't do that.
Blair: You did, too!
David: You're right, I did, but it was a long time ago, and I've changed since then.


Blair: Okay, David. See the door? See my hand? I'm going to count to three. Can you count to three? One, two, three. If you aren't out the door, I am going to call security. Ready? One --
David: And then what are you going to do? What are you going to do then, Blair?
Blair: Two --
David: Are you going to wait here --
Blair: Three.
David: For Spencer to show up so he can charm you into his bed? (quickly correcting himself) Dinner.
Blair: Yeah, dinner. Jerk.


David: I've been waiting for my brother the barnacle to detach himself from you.
Blair: I have nothing to say to you, David.
David: Are you two getting serious?
Blair: Oh -- you are such a jerk!
David: You mean that as a compliment, right?


David: (about Blair) I just wish she knew that her new boyfriend was trying to frame half the town for murder.


David: You know, Spencer, I thought you and I had a deal. I should've known better. Apparently, I was just a pawn in the Blair Cramer bidding war.


David: (to Blair) I know for a fact that Spencer framed Todd. Spencer masterminded the entire thing. He worked his svengali on Margaret, he faked her death. And then he sent her off to Thailand. After that, he painted Todd a deadly shade of guilty. He tried to send the father of your children to his death, so my question to you is, what are you going to do about it?


David: Score one for me -- I outsmarted my older brother. I found out that Spencer had gone to Bangkok, so I went to Thailand to figure out what he'd been doing there.
Blair: He works for the world medical alliance. He goes there because he works for tsunami relief.
David: And Margaret Cochran just happened to wash up on shore?


Blair: Well, is there anything that makes Spencer look guilty? I mean, do you have anything?
David: Yes, I do -- the formerly dead woman, Margaret.


David: Blair? Listen to me. Spencer is sick. He is psychotic. He makes Margaret look sane.


Blair: All you ever do, David, is lie. You've lied ever since you arrived in Llanview. You lie to get women, you lie about money, you lie to cover up a 25-year-old murder.
David: Yes. But I'm telling the truth now.
Blair: Why now all of a sudden, huh?
David: To save you, Blair.


Blair: Spencer would never hurt me, David.
David: He'd pull the wings off of Tinkerbell.
Blair: That's a good one.


David: Don't underestimate Spencer. He took Todd away from you and he will take so much more. Blair, you are a beautiful, strong woman, and I moderately respect you, but you don't know what you're doing.
Blair: I know exactly what I'm doing.


[David sees Blair and Spencer out together]
David: What a happy little gathering. Are we celebrating something? You know, Blair, when you got engaged to Todd -- again -- I thought to myself "That's the biggest mistake she's ever made." Apparently, I was mistaken.


Blair: What are you doing here, David?
David: Doesn't everybody go clubbing after they've been arraigned on a murder charge?
Blair: Oh -- how did you get out?
David: Are you aware of the concept of bail?
Blair: Yes. They set bail for you?
David: Otherwise, I'd be drinking tap water from a tin cup instead of double vodka on the rocks with a twist of lime.


David: Come on Blair, shouldn't you and Todd and the rug rats be at home having a celebration of life or something?


David: So now that I've been helpful yet again, what do you say -- give me 1 million, we'll call it even.
Todd: Forget it.
David: Blair really picked a winner.


[Spencer, Blair, David, Natalie and John are gathered at Capricorn]
Natalie: David's gun couldn't have killed John's father.
Spencer: Well, of course not. It was loaded with blanks.
David: Oh, yeah, Blair, did you hear I was shooting blanks, just like Kevin Buchanan?


David: Oh, Spencer, it was inevitable. Don't you know? Blair hates a liar. With the exception of Todd. And Dorian lies a lot. Kelly's not exactly honest, either. Never mind.


David: (to Spencer) So that technicolor proposal you gave Blair last night -- that's all going to be for naught, isn't it? Because as soon as she finds out that you convinced her that Todd was a murderer, she will never forgive you. And then once that's out in the open, it's just a matter of time until Todd and Blair go running into each other's arms, just like they always do.