"Horrible Liar" -- David & Adriana (2004-2011)



[River is trying to hide Adriana's identity from David]
River: This is Chelsea. She's a friend from school.
Adriana: Hi.
David: Chelsea. How do you do, Chelsea? By any chance do the rest of the people who know you call you Adriana?


David: Let's go in and sit down, get comfortable. I'll make us a cocktail. Do you like vodka? (pause) Are you 21?
Adriana: No.
David: So then it's gin for you.


David: (to Aunt Betsy) Adriana is exactly the kind of girl that you seem to be looking for. She's -- she's sweet, she's pure, and of course she's never been married. And frankly, if you ask me -- and even though I know that you didn't -- she makes Paul Cramer look like Charles Manson.


[Adriana has asked about her birth-father]
Dorian: I can't say, dear, for your own protection. Believe me, if he knew that I had had his child -- I mean, he would come after both of us, and he would force you to live a life that would be abysmal.
David: He's actually killed people, including his own relatives...and some babies.


[Dorian tells Adriana that she's going to get a great deal of money]
Adriana: All I want is River.
David: She's thrifty. I like that.


David: (to Dorian) Just tell me the truth about Adriana. You know what? Don't even bother answering that question. You know why? Because I have spent time with that girl. She is a knockout, she's got a brain, and she does whatever she wants. She has to be a Cramer woman.


[David finds Adriana and River making out in Dorian's living room]
David: Hey, hey, hey! Break it up. Nobody christens "La Boulaie" before Dorian and I get our shot at it.


[Dorian has just told Adriana that her father died]
Adriana: What happened?
David: For him? (referring to the fact that Santi was gunned down by his fellow mobsters) It was natural causes.


[Adriana has just broken up with River...David gives her some ice cream]
David: Here. It's not a replacement for love, but every woman I've ever met says it's a close second.


[David is with Starr, Travis, Adriana and River at the country club]
David: Okay, kids, hit the pool, share the toys, don't fight, stay out of my sun.


[David gets a call on his phone while he's sunning by the pool]
David: This better be important. I'm exceptionally busy. (answers phone) Dorian! Hi. We're at the club. We're at the pool. I'm with the kids. Hm? Yeah, of course I'm keeping my eye on them.


David: Hey, Marcie, have you seen Adriana?
Marcie: No, but I just got here. Everything okay?
David: Yeah, peachy. Running my own daycare center would be even more fun.


Marcie: Did you find her [Adriana]?
David: No, I have not. And if I lose one of those kids while Dorian's out of town, she'll have my head -- or some lower extremity.


[David has just found Adriana and River post-sex]
David: Dorian is going to kill me.
Adriana: It's not what it looks like.
David: Well, I am glad to hear that!


David: (to River and Adriana) I thought maybe I could leave you two alone in the pool -- rub some lotion on each other, play Marco Polo, maybe sharks and minnows. But this?? Do you know what Dorian's going to do when she finds out? And Carlotta?? Oh, my God, I'm going to be history! Why are you trying to ruin my life??


David: (to Adriana) I am shocked at you. All those years with the nuns? Do they not do their job anymore? You know, you promised your mother that you would stay a -- a --
River: A "virgin." You can't even say it.
David: You pipe down!


Adriana: (to River) Hey, I'll call you later. I don't regret anything.
David: You two are giving me a migraine, all right?


[Adriana is in David and Dorian's room]
River: (entering the house) Adriana, are you here?
Adriana: Yeah, River, I'm up here.
David: Oh, heck, bring some chips and dip. We'll call it a party.


[Adriana's eating a scant meal]
David: Milk and toast, huh? Are you on the all-dairy, high-carbs diet?


[Adriana thinks that she is pregnant]
Adriana: I think -- I'm really scared, David.
David: Hey, don't be scared. Everything's going to be okay.
Adriana: You can't tell my mother. You can't tell anybody.
David: Look, I know very little about mothers, okay, but I do know that this is the exact kind of situation that they were made for. You know, just now when I said everything would be okay?
Adriana: Yeah?
David: Yeah, I don't really know what I was talking about. I was just trying to say something nice to fill the silence.


Adriana: I'm going to get something to eat. Anybody want anything?
David: Sure. Some sliced kiwi, cantaloupe, maybe layered with whipped cream?


[Adriana is going to the library to get books on Sandra Day O'Connor]
David: They wrote books about Sandra Day O'Connor? Did she do anything besides all those "Gidget" movies?


Adriana: Guns really freak me out, especially after everything I know about my father.
David: Yeah, they freak me out, too, especially when your mother's holding one.


David: Adriana, you are a horrible liar. But I will be happy to coach you on that.


[David needs Adriana's help]
Adriana: Sure, I'll do anything.
David: Good, I'm glad to hear you say that, because all hell's about to break loose, and you and I are the only ones who can save this family.


Adriana: David, are you asking me to lie?
David: Absolutely. Now, don't think of this as telling a lie, okay? Think of it as telling the truth with a few extra facts thrown in.


[Adriana comes to visit David and Dorian in jail]
David: Adriana -- did you happen to bring a cake with a file in it?
Adriana: No. How are you two holding up?
David: The food's lousy. The mattresses are bumpy. And all the lighting's from above.


[Adriana tells Dorian how much she loves her]
David: Turn around and say some of that nice stuff my direction.


Adriana: I am my mother's daughter, right?
David: (to Dorian) She is, you know.


Dorian: I'm sorry, Adriana, but my problems with Viki Davidson really are not your concern.
Adriana: I think they are.
David: (to Adriana) I'd leave this one alone if I were you.


Dorian: Viki Davidson is responsible for hurting me and my entire family in more ways than you can possibly fathom.
Adriana: For example?
Dorian: Would you like me to begin with a list of the most recent occurrences?
David: (to Adriana) Don't ask for the list.
Adriana: No, no, I'm listening. Please.
David: (seeing that Dorian is gearing up for a rant) Here's the list....


David: Adriana, a word to wise -- never issue a man an either/or because he will just take the low road to spite you.
Adriana: Is that what you did? You turned my mother down to spite her?
David: Did you bring any food? Hmm? Because I always eat when I'm happy. Caviar for everyone! Kelly, hop to it.


David: When the going gets tough, the tough get eating. (finding the ice cream hard to scoop) Ah! Damn! Even comfort food has an opinion.
[Adriana comes into the kitchen]
David: I got to warn you -- if you're going to have some of this, it's got an agenda all its own.


[The Killing Club Killer, who once kidnapped Natalie and Evangeline, dressed them up as cheerleaders and tried to burn them at the stake, has kidnapped Rex now, too]
David: Bad day?
Adriana: The Killing Club Killer has Rex.
David: Oh, that's terrible. Who's Rex?
Adriana: Rex Balsom? Roxy's son, Natalie's brother?
David: Oh. Well, I certainly hope he looks good in a cheerleader's outfit.


David: (to Adriana) I'm sorry. Offensiveness is just my natural way.


Adriana: I'm really not hungry, David.
David: Come on, I can't eat by myself. It leads to disorders.


[Adriana is excited to learn that Ginger was a spy for psycho Margaret]
Adriana: Oh, just wait till Duke hears. Now he's really going to hate her.
David: Well, I'll be sure to pass that on over at the Buchanan Texas hold 'em pig roast.


Adriana: David?
David: If you're going to read me the riot act, get in line.
Adriana: I don't see any line.
David: Didn't they teach you irony at that nun school you ran away from?


Adriana: You love the holidays.
David: No, that was the old David -- David Lite.


Adriana: Look, I don't know the real reason why you and Mom didn't get married, but I know she still cares about you.
David: Is that why I'm sitting in the dirty diner on the wrong side of the tracks on Christmas Eve?
Adriana: You know, instead of wallowing in your misery, you might want to take advantage of the season.
David: Ho, ho, ho. How's that?
Adriana: Fine. Be pathetic. It's up to you. If you want to sit alone in an empty diner eating Christmas cookies, be my guest.
David: There's Christmas cookies?


[Adriana and Dorian are trying to run "Craze" magazine since David has been fired and Blair is taking a vacation]
Adriana: (about David and Blair) Okay, the difference between us and them is they know what they're doing. We're clueless, okay? We need help and we need it fast.
David: You rang?


[After Adriana has launched her first issue of "Craze"]
David: You did a great job with the issue. I was looking for flaws. I'm very proud of you.
Adriana: Thank you. And thank you for taking all my calls at all hours of the night. Seriously, I could not have done this job without you.
David: Don't tell Dorian.


Adriana: You must think I'm totally out of my mind.
David: Why would you think that?
Adriana: Rex Balsom, my getting involved with him?
David: I saw the way your face looked when he threw that party for you. It was a-glowin'.
Adriana: The party got a lot better after you left.
David: You know, I keep hearing that from time to time.
Adriana: I didn't mean that way, David.
David: I know you didn't.


Adriana: (about Rex) He's really trying to change -- Rex -- trying to become a better person, help people who need it.
David: Are we talking about the same Rex Balsom?
Adriana: Huh. I always dismissed Rex as someone to sort of dream about, you know? But he isn't a dream. He's a reality and the reality is so much better.
David: Yeah, well, some people think reality bites, but if you're happy --
Adriana: I am.


David: (about Paige) Wow. She's a worse liar than Adriana.


[Adriana comes to visit David in jail]
David: Well, what are you doing in a dump like this? I'm a loser, kid. Why even bother?
Adriana: Well, that's what I came to ask you. Should I care about you, David? Are you worth it?
David: Adriana, there's something that you ought to know about me. People say that I'm egocentric and vainglorious, but I have bad qualities, too.
Adriana: Huh.
David: Underneath this seemingly perfect exterior, I'm just a con man.
Adriana: Because that's the way you let people see you.
David: Adriana, that is me.
Adriana: No, it's not.
David: You see the good in everybody.
Adriana: You're my friend, and there's plenty of good in you. I wouldn't be here otherwise.
David: You could almost convince me, but I know the truth.


David: Your mother was here.
Adriana: Yeah, I know. She's pretty upset.
David: "Breaking dishes" upset or just "buying new shoes" upset?


David: What do you think about me -- now?
Adriana: I love you. I love you very much, and I always will.
David: Why?
Adriana: So many reasons. And I want to believe the best in you, David. But a man died, and I know if you were responsible, you didn't mean it. It just happened, but he was a father and a husband, people loved him, too. And if it is your fault that he died, you need to face it. If you did that, I could still be proud of you again -- if that matters.
David: It does.


David: What's going on? Is Dorian still giving you a hard time about Rex?
Adriana: Mom is the least of my problems right now.
David: So talk to me. You can trust me. As a matter of fact, as your former stepfather-to-be, I demand to know. Maybe I'm pushing the envelope a little bit, but I love you, you know. I want you to be happy.


[David is surprised to learn that Adriana ran away from Rex]
David: Doesn't sound like Adriana at all.
Rex: I know. She'd just ignore me, pretend I fell off the face of the earth.
David: No. If she didn't want to see you again, she'd tell you to your face, make you squirm.
Rex: You might be right.
David: Oh, I am. I know the Cramer M.O. better than any man on the planet. If she wanted to break your heart -- or any other part of your body -- she'd do it to your face.


David: (to Dorian and Blair) Well, good evening, Cramer ladies. If you're looking for a quorum, you can find Adriana at the police station.


Dorian: What did Adriana say?
David: I suggested to her that she try to forgive you.
Dorian: And?
David: She sort of rolled her eyes.


Adriana: I still can't believe my mother showed her face here.
David: I still can't believe that you haven't forgiven her.
Adriana: For almost getting me killed.
David: She does regret that.
Rex: She doesn't regret wanting to break Adriana and I up.
David: And that was bad form.
Adriana: What, did she send you over here as her messenger boy?
David: Bite your tongue. I am no one's messenger boy, unless I'm being appropriately compensated, which I'm currently not.


David: (to Adriana about Dorian) I know that you're mad at her and I do not blame you for being so upset. But you've got to admit as misguided as she was, she only had your best interests at heart.
Rex: What heart?
Adriana: What's best for me is Rex, not Dorian. I don't want anything to have to do with her ever again.
David: I hope you change your mind. If Dorian can forgive me after everything I did to her, she's a good person. And she's your mother. You only get one. I hope you don't pass up the opportunity to get to know her because when she's gone -- and one day, she will be -- that's it. No second chances.


[Viki tells David that Adriana and Rex are getting married]
David: I better go see a man about a toaster. I'll, uh, catch you kids at the church.


[David tells Jared he doesn't plan to go to Adriana's wedding to Rex]
Jared: But isn't Adriana --
David: Important to me?
Jared: So don't you want to --
David: Show her my support and be there for her? You would think, but to quote another Llanview lady, "not at all." You see, I have a very particular take on the marital knot. To me, love is a disease curable by marriage. And from what I know about Rex and Adriana, they're well on their way to being cured.


David: This plan of yours sounds awfully similar to something you pulled on Adriana. Look where that got you.
Dorian: Success. Adriana is not with that awful Rex Balsom anymore.
David: And when is the last time you spoke to your daughter?


Kelly: David, Adriana is missing.
David: Define "missing."


David: We have to find Adriana on our own.
Kelly: How?
David: How, Kelly? How? Do you ask a bird how it flies, a fish how it swims, or a star how it twinkles? I was the star of the Supermodel Crime Club. I know how to find a missing person. I have to sneak into the mind of this maniac. I have to ask myself, what kind of man pushes himself on a woman and then tricks her into sneaking off with him? Don't answer that question. Answer this question: What kind of cousin pushes her cousin on a foreigner in a completely strange land?
Kelly: Adriana lives here. It's not foreign to her.
David: You just keep telling yourself that.


David: (about Adriana) You really think she needed to get over Rex?
Kelly: Why does that matter right now?
David: You know what? I don't understand why my dad always thought that guy was so great when he left me out in the cold. It's bringing up all sorts of memories about how my family shut me out.
Kelly: Let's go, David.
David: Kelly, you know how I love Adriana like family, but it's bringing up bad feelings for me, so I don't think I want to find her anymore.


[David and Kelly find Adriana tied to a bed in a room with a handsome Frenchman]
Adriana: What are you guys doing?
Kelly: Did he hurt you?
David: This is actually kind of hot.


[Adriana tries to explain why she's tied to a bed]
Adriana: It was this game, a sex game.
David: Wow, you really can take the convent out of the girl.


Dorian: Where are you? What happened?
Adriana: Nothing. My phone was turned off.
David: While she was turned on.


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