"Why Does No One Take Us Seriously?" -- David & Addie (2003-2011)

[David and Addie are playing Scrabble]
David: Here we go. (spelling out a word) So that's four, six, 19 -- why don't I go ahead and give myself a triple-word score. So 57 -- 57-3.
Addie: (looks at board) That says "crazy." You're not supposed to say "crazy." You're supposed to say "mentally disturbed person."
David: You're right, Addie, but I didn't have enough letters.


Addie: The sisters say all good things come to those who wait.
David: Yes, but didn't they also say that St. Theresa grew hair all over her body so no one could look at her naked?
Addie: That was St. Agnes.
David: Why didn't she just wear clothes instead?
Addie: Didn't the nuns teach you anything?


Addie: Dori, did I tell you I saw a monster today and that he looked just like Asa?
Dorian: Oh.
David: While I've had the good fortune of hearing this story several times, I don't think that you've told that story to Dorian yet, Addie.


Addie: The nuns say being vain is a sin.
David: Really? I thought the nuns also said that you should only eat fish on Fridays, and didn't I see you eating a hamburger last week? Hmm? Hmm?


Addie: I don't understand. What -- what happened to the wedding?
David: Well, Addie, the justice of the peace came down with just a little touch of the Ebola virus. They had to cart him off to quarantine, so -- you know, you and I are actually pretty lucky. We could be breaking out in boils right now.


David: (to Blair) "Mama said" what, that Todd said that he was the big hero? Blair, you know how much I love Addie, but she still sends her Christmas list to the North Pole.


David: So, Addie, are you hungry? You want something to eat? I make great toast.


[Blair is missing/presumed dead and no one wants to break the news to Addie]
Dorian: Blair is --
David: Is -- at Disney World.
Addie: Disney World?
David: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's right. (turning to everyone else) Isn't that right?
Adriana: Uh-huh, that's right. Yes.
Kelly: Right. That's -- don't you remember, Dorian?
Addie: No, she's not. Blair promised me she would take me to Disney World for my birthday, and she would never go there by herself without me.
David: Did I say "Disney World"? I mean, Disneyland. She's at Disneyland.


[Dorian and David are going to have dinner with Addie at St. Anne's]
David: (to Dorian) I'll go up and change. I want to make sure that I wear exactly the right thing to the Home for the Terminally Bewildered.


[David is dressed for dinner with Addie]
David: I'm afraid this is too casual for a cafeteria with plastic utensils.
Dorian: News flash -- we're allowed to take Addie out tonight.
David: Ah.


Dorian: (about Addie) You know how long she's been looking forward to this dinner.
David: Yeah, I love chipped beef with gravy.


[David is in hiding at La Boulaie -- he has no idea that Addie, now sane, is living there as well]
David: (on the phone to Jared) Sweat it out -- just like I had to when you left me tied up in nothing but a speedo. (he hangs up the phone)
Addie: Oh, I'd love to see that.
[David is surprised to see Addie outside of St. Anne's]
David: Is it a holiday or something?
Addie: Why? Feel like celebrating?
David: Why do you ask? You got any suggestions? Oh, my God, I just made a pass at a crazy lady.
Addie: I'm not crazy.
David: I must have been left out in that barn too long. Addie, when they take you back to the home for the bewildered, please don't tell the nuns I hit on you.


[Addie pulls David into a kiss]
David: What was that for, and can it get me arrested?
Addie: That was a welcome-home smacker. No, it can't get you arrested.
David: Addie, for someone who's a couple crayons short of an eight-pack, you're amazingly lucid.
Addie: That's because I'm coloring with all my crayons now.


Addie: You must be very stiff after all that time that you were locked up. A session of hot yoga would do wonders.
David: Baby, you ain't lived till you tried it naked.


[The yoga instructor leaves after complimenting David and Addie's "chi"]
Blair: Mama, have you completely stopped taking your medication?
Addie: Didn't you hear what she just said about my chi?
David: Our chi. It's collective.


[David is trying to jimmy the lock of Dorian's bedroom door]
Addie: That's not going to work. Try this. (she hands him a pin)
David: Addie. Good girl. So, uh, what other tools do you have squirreled away?
Addie: Wouldn't you like to know?
David: Addie, please, not while I'm breaking and entering. Never mix business with pleasure. (the pin doesn't work) Dorian must have upgraded the keyhole since I was last here.


[David and Addie have just kissed]
David: Now there's more where that came from. But only for women of a discreet nature.


[Addie tries to seduce David]
David: Addie, Blair could be home any minute.
Addie: She's a big girl.
David: Yeah, but, you see, if Blair finds me making advances on her mother again, there goes my free room and board, and I actually like to eat and sleep more than I like to...


[David has married Addie to stick it to Dorian]
Dorian: Tell me that you have just come from a costume party.
Addie: Well, there was a lot of champagne.
David: The reverend was dressed as Elvis.


[David and Addie show off their wedding rings]
Dorian: You stole those.
David: How dare you. I paid retail with my new wife's money.


David: You should congratulate us, Dorian. Addie and I had to kiss a lot of toads before we found true love.


[Blair is upset to hear that David and Addie are married]
Blair: (to David) You took her to Vegas?
David: Where else do you go for a classy wedding?


[Dorian is fed-up with David and Addie the morning after their wedding]
Dorian: Put your clothes on, David.
Addie: I've seen David in a lot less than this.
David: Wedding night and all.
Dorian: You mean, you two have actually --
David: Addie, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry from all that sex.
Dorian: Oh. Dear heaven, if you're looking for a way to punish me, you've found it.


David: (to Addie) Why does no one take us seriously?


Dorian: David, admit it. You only married Addie to get back at me. You don't care about her at all.
David: No. Addie is fun. She sees life as an adventure.
[In the background, Addie identifies one of Dr. Bonner's ink-blots as "Georgia O'Keeffe"]
David: See? She appreciates music. And that thing that turns people into selfish, craven monsters, she doesn't have an ounce of that. In other words, she's the exact opposite of you.


David: Dorian, I would love to stay and gloat if we had time, but we have to go out and buy expensive sports cars now.
Addie: I want a red one.
David: No. The red one's mine.


[Dorian says she has a wedding gift for David and Addie]
David: Hmm. This smells a little funny. I think I smell a gift horse in the offing.
Addie: Knowing Dorian, it could be very large and wooden.
David: Maybe full of Trojans.


[Viki is surprised that David married Addie]
Viki: Addie? Why?
David: Why, can you think of a better way to get back at Dorian? Okay, I admit she's not MENSA material, but she is a shrewd woman. She knows exactly what she's doing, and I actually think I make her happy.
Viki: Really? And what are you getting out of this?
David: Well, suffice it to say I'm living large in Llanview, but Addie wanted this marriage just as much as I did.
Viki: So you and Addie are --
David: Are taking mutual advantage of one another.


[Viki is near death following a car accident; David begs Dorian to save her]
David: Save Viki's life, and I'll -- I'll divorce Addie.
Dorian: Whoa, I'm really sorry. I -- I may have punctured an eardrum in the crash because I could swear I heard you say that you would leave my sister.
David: Dorian, stop it. Save Viki's life. I will divorce Addie.
Dorian: You must love her very much.
David: Addie? She's got a big heart.
Dorian: Viki!


[Dorian gives David the papers to end his marriage to Addie]
David: Addie's going to be really disappointed.
Dorian: She'll get over it.
David: I don't think divorce was on her to-do list.


David: (to Nora and Clint) My main concern here is Addie. My heart really goes out to her. Nora, surely you can empathize with the fact that she's completely infatuated with me.


David: What did Addie say she was going to cross off her list today? Where can I find asopao in this town?


Addie: (to David) Is this a stick up? I know, you're the misunderstood criminal and I'm the unsuspecting but sympathetic victim. (to Dorian) We like to play roles sometimes, like I'm the stern meter maid and David has parked his car --
Dorian: Enough!


[Addie foils Dorian's plot by ripping up the annulment papers]
David: Ripping up the papers never would have even crossed my mind. Good job, Addie, baby.
Addie: I ripped up a lot of things at St. Anne's.
David: Well, that's that, I suppose.


David: Do you have any idea how much joy I've gotten out of being with you?
Addie: Do I ever.
David: When I look back at my life, the childhood that I had, and the man I've become --
Dorian: Oh, just say it.
David: I'm leaving you. Say something.
Addie: It's raining.


Addie: (to Dorian) I've married a charming, good-looking, younger man who genuinely cares about me and who makes me laugh. You let him get away. I think we all know who the fool is.
David: That is so insightful.


[David wants to re-marry Addie in a quick ceremony at La Boulaie]
David: It's been a whirlwind. Neither of us truly knew what we had until it was gone, baby, gone.
Dorian: Yes, you knew what you had. You had access to my bank account.
David: "We've only just begun. So many roads to cross. We'll start out walking and learn to run."
Addie: Oh, David, that's so beautiful.
Dorian: That's the lyrics to a Carpenters' song.
[The violinist David hired plays "We've Only Just Begun"]
Dorian: Stop it!


[Addie turns down David's marriage proposal]
David: What happened to us? You were totally into me. Snagging me was on your list.
Addie: So was dumping you. I just never got the chance till now.
David: What?
Addie: See?
[Addie shows David her list]
David: "One, try asopao. Two, memorize the constitution. Three, count to one million out loud. Four, divorce David. Five --" You were going to leave me just before taking a nudist cruise around the world?
Addie: Well, I couldn't very well meet men on the cruise with my husband in tow, could I?
David: Yeah, but when Dorian made me sign those papers last night, you were so upset. And I want to go on the cruise.
Addie: Being upset is part of the divorce experience. David, you're loads of fun, and that body --
David: Would look great on the cruise.
Addie: Oh, it sure would. You'll make a wonderful husband for someone one day. But you don't love me. And I don't love you. And the last thing on my list is love.


[The next time David and Addie see each other, he's converted to Buddhism]
Addie: Let me get you a drink. I still have your favorite vodka.
David: Addie, vice is a barrier created between the worldly self and the pure self.
Addie: Oh.

Addie: What brought you back?
David: La Boulaie is part of my journey.
Addie: Don't you think you might be better off in an ashram?


[Addie visits David and Dorian after they've taken over the Buchanan Mansion]
David: I'm cementing over the koi pond and putting in a yoga studio. What do you say?
Addie: Is that all you care about, David?
David: No. I care about Dorian.
Addie: Is that a good enough reason to give spiritual enlightenment?
David: The yoga studio is going to be clothing optional.