"We Don't Really Do Duels" -- David/Clint 2007

Dorian: David told me that somebody offered him $10 million to kill Spencer. It didn't take me long to figure out that it was Asa.
Clint: Your source is David? David, who lies more than roadkill on a country highway?


Clint: Vickers is lazy and spineless.
Nigel: And here.
Clint: What?
[Clint turns and sees that David is in the room with them]
David: And since "handsome, witty, and charming" go without saying, the only thing you forgot to say about me is that I'm soon-to-be filthy rich.
Clint: Next time you walk into my house without knocking, I'm going to shoot you.


[Clint refuses to pay David the $10 million Asa owes him]
David: Come on, you're philanthrop-- you're philanthropo-- you're people who give other people money. Consider me a charity. You can write me off next April.


David: Forget about the money. I'm willing to make a deal. My silence for one of your many rooms. It can be one of the ones near the service entrance. You'll never even know that I'm here.
Clint: Get out.
David: I never liked this place, anyway. Too horse-y.


[David finds Dorian, Viki and Clint looking gloomy at Llanfair]
David: I'm guessing you three aren't having a laughing gas party.


David: Viki Lord Davidson Buchanan and whatever other last names I don't remember -- you are one sexy mother --
Clint: (interrupting) Ahem.


[David and Viki face off against Dorian and Clint]
Viki: Well, well, well. What can I do for you today?
Clint: (to Dorian) All right, now focus on what we came here to do.
David: We don't really do duels.


Clint: (to David and Viki) It is our opinion that the four of us should be able to co-exist in Llanview without coming to blows every time we happen to run into each other.
David: Sounds like another empty promise to me, Viki.


Dorian: All of us here have done something to hurt one of the others. I mean, no one here is innocent.
Viki: Well -- ahem -- I suppose I could've been a little more welcoming to you and Clint.
Clint: And I have had my moments, too.
Dorian: And I could be more -- I could be more gracious in the future.
David: I could wear more clothes?


[David is preparing drinks for July 4th]
Clint: What the hell's this -- soda pop?
David: Called a Cosmo, Clint -- vodka, triple sec, cranberry, and a twist.
Clint: I don't drink liquor that's pink.
David: Afraid of getting in touch with your feminine side there, cowboy?


[Clint is grilling]
David: Fire's looking a little low there, Clint. Should I pour on a couple of bottles of lighter fluid?


[David is worried about the idea of giving part of his liver to Jessica]
David: Surgery?
Paige: Mm-hmm.
David: Scar? Above or below the waistline?
Clint: David, this is not the time for jokes.
Dorian: Clint, I can assure you he isn't joking.
David: I don't want people to laugh at me when I wear my Speedo.


[David is surprised that Paige already wants to get him prepped for the liver transplant]
David: I thought we were talking about the near to distant future.
Viki: No. No, Jessica's body is rejecting the first transplant. This has to be done immediately.
Paige: Or by tomorrow at the latest.
David: Why not right now? I'm sure Clint has a buck knife in his boot.


Clint: David, we've had our share of differences, I know. I'm grateful that you're able to put them aside so that you can help Jessie. And if there's anything that I can do for you, you just let me know.
David: Actually, Clint, there is something. You can give me the $10 million your father promised me.


David: Asa owes me $10 million, and unless I get it, the right lobe of my liver stays exactly where it is.
Clint: You're a heartless bastard.
David: Correction -- a greedy bastard. There is a difference.


Clint: I thought lately, you were a great friend of Viki. That's going to be over once she hears about this.
David: Viki's not going to hear about this. No one is going to hear about this, or the deal is off. Once you pay me and I'm gone, tell anyone you like.


[Clint drops by David's hospital room after the liver transplant]
David: Hear you got me my own room.
Clint: You're lucky your ass isn't out in the parking lot.


David: I saved Jessica's life. Why can't I feel like I did something good?
Clint: You want it both ways, don't you? You want to take the money and play the hero.
David: I told Jessica -- I'm nobody's hero.
Clint: And this new self-awareness -- does that somehow absolve you?
David: Money, Clint, is what I live for. Money doesn't lie, money doesn't betray you, so yeah, I did it for the money. And you got your daughter back. We both win. So, why don't you consider the $10 million that's resting comfortably in an offshore account just a token of your undying appreciation?


[Viki is outraged to learn from Clint that David demanded money in return for his liver for Jessica]
Viki: I will always be grateful to you for saving Jessica's life. Always, and I mean that. But we'll never be friends again. That makes me really sad.
[Viki leaves and David turns to Clint]
David: Oh, you are going to regret this.


[Dorian can't believe David gave the money back to Clint]
Dorian: Though, truthfully, it made me very unhappy to see Clint suffer that way.
David: "Suffer"? The guy barely felt it leave his bank account.


[David tries to get Dorian to calm down after seeing Clint and Nora kiss]
David: Just come in here and relax. There are a lot of guns on display in this house, and a few too many trophy heads. I don't want Nora's head to end up on a wall -- or Clint's -- well, Clint's I'm okay with, actually.


Dorian: (about Clint and Nora) How long have they been carrying on behind my back?
David: Too long, as far as I'm concerned! (he goes to leave the room)
Dorian: Where are you going?
David: To kick Clint Buchanan's butt -- or hire someone who can.


[Clint finds Dorian and David in bed together]
Dorian: Oh --
Clint: My --
David: God.


Clint: (to Dorian) You slept with David in my father's house?
David: (to Clint) Nice bed, by the way. Is this one of those memory-foam things?
Dorian: Shut up, David!


[Dorian tells Clint that she slept with David because she saw Clint and Nora kissing]
Clint: Yeah, I kissed her. But I didn't jump into bed with her like this. And if you were there watching us kiss, why didn't you come forward and say something?
Dorian: Because I was so shocked and hurt.
David: Um -- anybody mind if I put on some shorts? My wife could walk in at any moment.
Clint: Your what?


David: Yes, Clint, got married about a week ago. But don't worry; you have a full year to send a gift. Oh, no, I've already been caught in an adulterous act. Hey, do you think it counts if it's with an ex?
Clint: David, you're just so weird, I don't even want to know what you're talking about.


David: Clint, we need to talk, man-to-man.
Clint: Yeah, that's a good idea. That's a very good idea. You want man-to-man? I'll give you man-to-man.
[Clint takes a gun off the wall and points it at David]


Clint: Why are you still here?
David: My wife left me. I have no way to get back to Llanview.
Clint: Well, then you're still going to be staying somewhere in Texas, but it sure as hell won't be here.
David: Not to worry -- I never stay where I'm not wanted -- for long.
Clint: Tell you what -- Dorian's on her way out of town. Why don't you try and catch her? Who knows -- maybe you'll get lucky again.
David: Great idea.


David: (to Nora and Clint) You two are out in the open about your affair, then?
Nora: David, this is not an affair.
David: Oh, come on. It was an accident, then? His clumsy lips just happened to bump into yours -- just an accident, right? I'm glad you didn't break anything, except maybe someone's trust.
Nora: Oh, well, that's rich -- you talking about trust.
David: So you two uptight types are going to stand here and tell me that kiss didn't mean anything? You guys don't blow your nose without thinking it through first, making sure it's the right decision. So, in my book, that kiss that you were having was private and it was passionate and it was one hell of a big deal!