"Why Does No One Take Us Seriously?" -- David/Addie 2008

[David is in hiding at La Boulaie -- he has no idea that Addie, now sane, is living there as well]
David: (on the phone to Jared) Sweat it out -- just like I had to when you left me tied up in nothing but a speedo. (he hangs up the phone)
Addie: Oh, I'd love to see that.
[David is surprised to see Addie outside of St. Anne's]
David: Is it a holiday or something?
Addie: Why? Feel like celebrating?
David: Why do you ask? You got any suggestions? Oh, my God, I just made a pass at a crazy lady.
Addie: I'm not crazy.
David: I must have been left out in that barn too long. Addie, when they take you back to the home for the bewildered, please don't tell the nuns I hit on you.


[Addie pulls David into a kiss]
David: What was that for, and can it get me arrested?
Addie: That was a welcome-home smacker. No, it can't get you arrested.
David: Addie, for someone who's a couple crayons short of an eight-pack, you're amazingly lucid.
Addie: That's because I'm coloring with all my crayons now.


Addie: You must be very stiff after all that time that you were locked up. A session of hot yoga would do wonders.
David: Baby, you ain't lived till you tried it naked.


[Addie keeps David hidden from Jared]
David: Thanks, Addie, baby.
Addie: You're welcome, honey. Now that it's nice and hot in here, I'd just love to try number 66 on my to-do list.
David: What's 66?
Addie: Have you ever tried a menage a trois?


[David and Addie are doing yoga together]
Addie: David, you're so good at this. Amazingly supple and limber.
David: You know what they say. Practice, practice, practice. To tell you the truth, I've always found the Eastern techniques very liberating.
Blair: Oh, my God. Mama?
Addie: Namaste, Blair.
Blair: Okay, David, David, David. Get your hands off of my mother.
David: Technically, it’s the other way around.


[The yoga instructor leaves after complimenting David and Addie's "chi"]
Blair: Mama, have you completely stopped taking your medication?
Addie: Didn't you hear what she just said about my chi?
David: Our chi. It’s collective.


[Addie finds David lurking outside Dorian's bedroom]
Addie: Lost? Because I happen to know that's not your room.
David: You sure are on top of things, Addie. That -- is not my room.
Addie: It's Dori's room.
David: But you see, Dorian always steals my exfoliant. I can't get through the day without a good scrub. Now, does Dorian always lock that door?


[David is trying to jimmy the lock of Dorian's bedroom door]
Addie: That's not going to work. Try this. (she hands him a pin)
David: Addie. Good girl. So, uh, what other tools do you have squirreled away?
Addie: Wouldn't you like to know?
David: Addie, please, not while I'm breaking and entering. Never mix business with pleasure. (the pin doesn't work) Dorian must have upgraded the keyhole since I was last here.


[David and Addie have just kissed]
David: Now there's more where that came from. But only for women of a discreet nature.


[Addie comes by to see David -- fully dressed]
Addie: Sorry about all the clothes. They're just a formality.
David: Addie, clothes are good.
Addie: No clothes are better.
David: Ad-- Addie, Blair could be home any minute.
Addie: She's a big girl.
David: Yeah, but, you see, if Blair finds me making advances on her mother again, there goes my free room and board, and I actually like to eat and sleep more than I like to...


[Dorian is surprised to learn that David has gotten married]
Dorian: Your new wife?
David: Yep, she's as new as they come.
Dorian: Robbing the cradle?
David: Oh, she's very mature.
Dorian: For her age -- whatever that may be. David, really, she must be crazy, I mean, certifiably nuts to marry you.
[Addie comes into the room in her wedding dress]
Dorian: Addie?
Addie: Mrs. Vickers, to you.
Dorian: What in the name of heaven is this?
David: The happiest day of our lives, right, Addie baby?
Addie: You bet that beautiful bottom of yours.


Dorian: Tell me that you have just come from a costume party.
Addie: Well, there was a lot of champagne.
David: The reverend was dressed as Elvis.


David: Dorian, do you have a kiss for your new brother-in-law?
Addie: I do.
[Addie and David kiss]
David: Mm, I could do that forever, Addie baby.
Addie: Who's stopping you?
Dorian: I am.


David: Oh, don't be such a buzz kill, Dorian. My angel and I, we're a match made in heaven.
Addie: I can't believe you let this hunka hunka burning love get away, Dori.
Dorian: It's a nightmare. That's what it is. I'm going to wake up in a second and it will all be over.
David: Oh, no, it's real. So, by the way, are these.
[David and Addie show off their wedding rings]
Dorian: You stole those.
David: How dare you. I paid retail with my new wife's money.


David: Now aren't you going to welcome me to the family? I'm a Cramer now.
Addie: No, I'm a Vickers.
David: Relax, we'll hyphenate.
Addie: David and Addie Cramer-Vickers, I like the sound of that.


David: You should congratulate us, Dorian. Addie and I had to kiss a lot of toads before we found true love.
Addie: (to Dorian) You're not jealous, are you?


David: We should discuss the living arrangements. I think we'll take the east wing.
Dorian: If you so much as step one little crooked toe into my house, I will have you skinned alive and will use you as a doormat.
Addie: Are you going to throw me out too, Dori?
David: Oh, Addie, baby, don't you worry about that. If Dorian throws us out, I know Viki will take us in. Now, Llanfair is much larger than La Boulaie anyway.
Addie: And you're a good friend of Viki’s.
David: Oh, Viki and I -- we're very tight.
Dorian: You'll be lucky to have a dry park bench by the time I'm through with you.


[Blair is upset to hear that David and Addie are married]
Blair: (to David) You took her to Vegas?
David: Where else do you go for a classy wedding?


Addie: (about David) He's gorgeous, and he makes me laugh.
Blair: He makes me sick. Mama, he does not love you.
Addie: That's okay. I don't love him, either.


Addie: Don't worry about me, sweetheart. I'm just checking off items on my list.
Blair: Mama -- now, I've seen your list. David Vickers was not on it, and neither was marriage.
Addie: I added him later.


[The morning after their wedding, Addie and David greet each other in the kitchen at La Boulaie]
Addie: Good morning, Mr. Cramer-Vickers.
David: Good morning, Mrs. Cramer-Vickers. Now, I know it's traditional for the happy couple to have their wedding dance on their wedding night, but...
Addie: We're not even close to traditional. (they begin to dance)


Dorian: Put your clothes on, David.
Addie: I've seen David in a lot less than this.
David: Wedding night and all.
Dorian: You mean, you two have actually --
David: Addie, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry from all that sex.
Dorian: Oh. Dear heaven, if you're looking for a way to punish me, you've found it.


Dorian: (to David) So help me, if you have laid a finger on my sister --
David: (to Addie) I told you. I told you she'd be jealous.
Addie: Oh, back up, Dori. You have a whole company now. But I guess you can't go to bed with that, can you?
David: Oh, I'm sure she snuggled up to a nice, warm balance sheet.


David: Come on, sweetheart. You and I should go get dressed. We have to go see our friend, Buddy, about those his and hers sports cars that we looked at yesterday.
Addie: It's so romantic. I don't even drive yet, but I'll put it at the top of my list.
David: Oh, you're going to sit on my lap. Your hand will be on top of my hand on top of the gear shift. I'll teach you.
Addie: Reverse sounds like the most fun.


David: (to Addie) Why does no one take us seriously?


Dorian: David, admit it. You only married Addie to get back at me. You don't care about her at all.
David: No. Addie is fun. She sees life as an adventure.
[In the background, Addie identifies one of Dr. Bonner's ink-blots as "Georgia O'Keeffe"]
David: See? She appreciates music. And that thing that turns people into selfish, craven monsters, she doesn't have an ounce of that. In other words, she's the exact opposite of you.


David: Dorian, I would love to stay and gloat if we had time, but we have to go out and buy expensive sports cars now.
Addie: I want a red one.
David: No. The red one's mine.


[Dorian says she has a wedding gift for David and Addie]
David: Hmm. This smells a little funny. I think I smell a gift horse in the offing.
Addie: Knowing Dorian, it could be very large and wooden.
David: Maybe full of Trojans.


Addie: There is a God, and you are the eighth wonder of the world.
David: Eighth wonder at your service. Just say the word.
Addie: The word, but not right now.


[Viki is surprised that David married Addie]
Viki: Addie? Why?
David: Why, can you think of a better way to get back at Dorian? Okay, I admit she's not MENSA material, but she is a shrewd woman. She knows exactly what she's doing, and I actually think I make her happy.
Viki: Really? And what are you getting out of this?
David: Well, suffice it to say I'm living large in Llanview, but Addie wanted this marriage just as much as I did.
Viki: So you and Addie are --
David: Are taking mutual advantage of one another.


Clint: (to David and Addie) I heard that the two of you tied the knot.
David: Yes, we did. We're registered at Logan’s and the yacht club. We haven't received anything from you yet.
Clint: Oh. How does Dorian feel about all this?
Addie: Poor thing, she's about to blow her brains out. She'd do anything to break up our marriage.
[Addie laughs]
David: Stop laughing, buy me something to eat.


[Viki is near death following a car accident; David begs Dorian to save her]
David: Save Viki's life, and I'll -- I'll divorce Addie.
Dorian: Whoa, I'm really sorry. I -- I may have punctured an eardrum in the crash because I could swear I heard you say that you would leave my sister.
David: Dorian, stop it. Save Viki's life. I will divorce Addie.
Dorian: You must love her very much.
David: Addie? She's got a big heart.
Dorian: Viki!


[Dorian gives David the papers to end his marriage to Addie]
Dorian: David, sign right here, and it will be as if your marriage to my sister never existed.
David: Addie's going to be really disappointed.
Dorian: She'll get over it.
David: I don't think divorce was on her to-do list.


David: (to Nora and Clint) My main concern here is Addie. My heart really goes out to her. Nora, surely you can empathize with the fact that she's completely infatuated with me.


David: What did Addie say she was going to cross off her list today? Where can I find asopao in this town?


Addie: (to David) Is this a stick up? I know, you're the misunderstood criminal and I'm the unsuspecting but sympathetic victim. (to Dorian) We like to play roles sometimes, like I'm the stern meter maid and David has parked his car --
Dorian: Enough!


[Addie foils Dorian's plot by ripping up the annulment papers]
David: Ripping up the papers never would have even crossed my mind. Good job, Addie, baby.
Addie: I ripped up a lot of things at St. Anne’s.
David: Well, that's that, I suppose.


David: Why don't you and I go home and play a nice round of irate customer and dishwasher repair man?
Addie: Yeah.
David: I'll let you be the repair man this time.
Addie: I like that one.


David: Do you have any idea how much joy I've gotten out of being with you?
Addie: Do I ever.
David: When I look back at my life, the childhood that I had, and the man I've become --
Dorian: (interrupting) Oh, just say it.
David: I'm leaving you. Say something.
Addie: It's raining.


[Addie wonders why David wants to annul their marriage]
Addie: David, I don't understand. I saw you not three hours ago and you were happy. We were going to schedule our swimming with the sharks expedition.
Dorian: Oh, why bother? You were married to a shark.
David: Addie, baby, there is nothing that I would enjoy more than being on a boat with you off the great barrier reef, chumming the waters with Dorian's blood, but...
Addie: But what? Why did you divorce me?
Dorian: Annul, Addie, annul!


Dorian: (to Addie) David is using you. Don't you see? You were never anything more than a means to an end.
Addie: Yes, I see that.
Dorian: You know that David's been using you?
Addie: Of course. Just like I've been using him. That's what marriage is all about, Dorian. Two people using each other -- for love, for friendship, for -- for -- for just plain fun.
David: That's beautiful.


Addie: (to Dorian) I've married a charming, good-looking, younger man who genuinely cares about me and who makes me laugh. You let him get away. I think we all know who the fool is.
David: That is so insightful.


Dorian: (to David) As if I would ever consider for a moment getting involved with you again.
David: Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Dorian: Shut up.
Addie: Don't you tell him to shut up. (to David) I love it when you talk Shakespeare.


[David wants to re-marry Addie in a quick ceremony at La Boulaie]
Dorian: There is going to be no wedding here today.
David: I believe that's for Addie to decide.
Dorian: It's already been decided, David. Your marriage to my sister never existed. Why do you refuse to accept that?
David: It's been a whirlwind. Neither of us truly knew what we had until it was gone, baby, gone.
Dorian: Yes, you knew what you had. You had access to my bank account.
David: "We've only just begun. So many roads to cross. We'll start out walking and learn to run."
Addie: Oh, David, that's so beautiful.
Dorian: That's the lyrics to a Carpenters' song.
[The violinist David hired plays "We've Only Just Begun"]
Dorian: Stop it!


David: So what do you say, Addie, baby? Marry me -- a little?
Addie: David, you did everything right. The music, the speech, getting down on one knee. It was all so empty.
David: What? No, it's not. It's not empty. It's full. It's very full.
Addie: But not of love.
David: What -- come here a second. What happened to us? You were totally into me. Snagging me was on your list.
Addie: So was dumping you. I just never got the chance till now.
David: What?
Addie: See?
[Addie shows David her list]
David: "One, try asopao. Two, memorize the constitution. Three, count to one million out loud. Four, divorce David. Five --" You were going to leave me just before taking a nudist cruise around the world?
Addie: Well, I couldn't very well meet men on the cruise with my husband in tow, could I?
David: Yeah, but when Dorian made me sign those papers last night, you were so upset. And I want to go on the cruise.
Addie: Being upset is part of the divorce experience. David, you're loads of fun, and that body --
David: Would look great on the cruise.
Addie: Oh, it sure would. You'll make a wonderful husband for someone one day. But you don't love me. And I don't love you. And the last thing on my list is love.


[David is about to leave Llanview again]
Addie: Wait, you can't leave without David Vickers. Delphina told me to make sure you end up together.
David: No, that can't be right.
Addie: She swore it would make David Vickers happy.
David: Him or me?


[David is saying goodbye to Addie]
David: So, this is it, huh?
Addie: All good things come to an end.
David: And that's the biggest bunch of malarkey I ever heard.


Viki: What happened to Addie?
David: Lesson learned. Love lost.
Viki: Love?
David: All right, she dumped me.